Day 8 of the David Hayes 12 Days of Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza is here! Betcha thought I would quit before now, didn’t you? You don’t know me! Nobody knows me!
Oh, sorry. I think this project is getting under my skin. Not as much as that damn Little Drummer Boy song, but close.
On the eighth day of Christmas, the Head Cheese gave to me… four more days of crap, uugh.
I love ridiculous, slapstick comedy. Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin and Fatty Arbuckle are silent film geniuses. The best part of Mad Magazine was always Spy vs. Spy and Tom & Jerry holds a special place in my heart. Slapstick can be done well, it really can. Just not by Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito. Although I can still feel the intense pain of watching the Americanized version of Godzilla starring Broderick, his turn as Ferris Bueller always had me, no matter what piece of crap I had just watched, feeling as though I liked the guy. Not anymore. Prior to this holiday travesty I felt that Danny DeVito could, quite possibly, do no wrong. He made the best choices as an actor and any project would benefit from his performance. Again, not anymore. There is only one film that could cause me to turn my back on two iconic American actors. One film that rips off, quite possibly, every other holiday film ever made in one fell swoop. Come with me, then, into the cozy little cabin. We’ll sit by the fire and I’ll tell you all about Deck the Halls… before we burn the DVD.
on DVD!
This film is so freaking lame. Imagine Danny DeVito is playing the part of the little kid in Home Alone and Matthew Broderick is playing the bad guys (in all honesty, the heights are still the same… weird). Now reverse the roles. Danny DeVito is a short, industrious, nasty guy and Matthew Broderick is a tall, noble, concerned father and neighbor. Danny’s whole goal in life (seriously, in life) is have enough Christmas lights on his house so that it is visible from space. Matthew, the ‘Christmas Guy’ in the neighborhood before Danny moved in, takes offense to this. Cue Tom & Jerry-like escapades with Home Alone-like traps featuring a Christmas Vacation-like gimmick. All of these are then mixed together with every Christmas movie side character in the world (corporate shill, wise-cracking neighbor kids, bumbling Santas, etc.). The battle reaches a fever pitch and… you want to know the ending? It is so sickly sweet, rushed, forced and ridiculous that I’m surprised it didn’t win a People’s Choice Award at a Sarah Palin fundraiser. So, when Danny’s lights don’t work, all of the people he’s abused, insulted, and marginalized take out their cell phones and light up the house for him. Awww. That’s the Christmas Spirit!
Deck the Halls, people. Maybe Deck the Actors, Deck the Writers, Deck the Directors and Deck the People That Liked This Crap would be wonderful sequels. Lots of decking to be done, Cheesers, I’ll see you tomorrow.
David, your dedication to this theme is wowing me. I think even a hardy film writer like myself would be screaming at the thought of covering this turd. Good work mon ami!
ReplyDeleteThanks. I don't think I'll ever do this again.
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