Cinema Head Cheese - Movie Reviews, News, a Podcast and more!

January 31, 2025

A Binge too Far #48: The epic Conan duo (1982 – 1984)

Posted by Christos Mouroukis

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Despite his limited skills as an actor and mostly with dialogue, Arnold Schwarzenegger was undeniably star material, and with very few lines to deliver he employed his otherworldly posture in order to become Conan, in a couple of films that were successful enough to guarantee the second coming of the ‘sword and sandal’ genre.

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Upon seeing his people suffering genocide and the beheading of his own mother, a kid is growing up to become Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and fight for revenge, using his god-like strength and his skills with the sword.

Based on Robert E. Howard’s same-titled ‘down and dirty’ comic book character that was devoured by fans of pulp fiction, and turned into screenplay format by none other than Oliver Stone (of all people) and John Milius (who also directed, mostly competently enough and often with loads of inspiration), this may not be as risky as its source material, but you still get enough nudity and beheadings to justify its R rating. Produced by Rafaela De Laurentiis on a $20 million budget, it became a phenomenon as it grossed a stunning $79.1 million, singlehandedly spawning the second wave of the ‘sword and sandal’ genre. It greatly benefits from a cast that includes James Earl Jones and Max Von Sydow, but its true power is the game-changing soundtrack by Basil Poledouris.

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Evil Queen Taramis of Shadizar [Sarah Douglas from Superman (1978)] is testing the strength of Conan (returning Arnold Schwarzenegger) and his (comic relief) sidekick Malak [Tracey Walter, later in Batman (1989)] and once that is proven they are assigned to aid her niece, Princess Jehnna [Olivia d’Abo, later in Point of No Return (1993)] to a journey gain back a precious horn jewel.

Based on Robert E. Howard’s comic book, this time the story was turned into a screenplay by Stanley Mann, while directorial duties went to Richard Fleischer, who is handling the material with the same gusto dictated by the original outing. Its sensibilities however are approached in different manner, and while there are a few beheadings on display, the nudity is notably absent and a ‘safe for all’ PG rating resulted. This sequel is not as lively, but it is also not entirely soulless, mainly due to the excellent work of composer Basil Poledouris. It was once again produced by Rafaela De Laurentiis on an $18 million budget, but it grossed a mere $31 million and the sequel promised on the end credits never materialized.

Afterword

Robert E. Howard’s works were also the inspiration behind the similar Red Sonja (1985), also featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Conan was the subject of several 1990s animated series, as well as an ill-fated live action series that lasted a mere one season. In the 2000s Conan fans were treated to a few video games featuring their favourite barbarian, but it was in 2011 that we saw him returning to the big screen in live action form with Conan the Barbarian featuring Jason Momoa in the title role.

Get books, comics, graphic novels and more at bunny17media.com. Use the code CHC at checkout for 15% off your purchase!

Follow Cinema Head Cheese:
Website: cinemaheadcheese.com
Facebook: /cinemaheadcheese
Twitter: @CinHeadCheese
Email: cinemaheadcheese@yahoo.com
Instagram: abnormalpodcast
Pinterest: /abnormalpodcast/cinema-head-cheese/
RSS Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/CinemaHeadCheese
iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cinema-head-cheese-movie-reviews-news-a-podcast-and-more/id393261942?mt=2
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=18843&refid=stpr

You can support Cinema Head Cheese and Abnormal Entertainment on our Support Us page.

January 22, 2025

PSYCHO APE MOVIE REVIEW

Posted by PeggyC

Despite the vitriol I spew in many of my reviews here at CHC, I do actually enjoy watching indie horror films. Sure, there are a lot of shit piles to dig through to find that one perfect undigested kernel of corn. And though that can be exhausting, it makes it worthwhile if I can find a film that’s entertaining and done well, despite budgetary and talent pool limitations.

This is not one of those films.

Psycho Ape is a ridiculous story about an ape wearing tennis shoes that, 25 years ago, escaped from the Detroit Zoo and went on a murderous rampage. For some reason, he homes in on a slumber party of a half a dozen young women and he kills all of them except for Nancy, the ape enthusiast, who faints with delight at the sight of the beast.

The zookeeper/animal psychologist, Dr. Zoomis, who is trying to track down the ape, loses its trail, thus beginning his decades-long obsession with the animal.

25 years later, the ape has been continuing its murderous ways. Even though it has a house and built a good life for itself, it just keeps killing. Eventually, the ape finds the long-disappeared Nancy, and they get along great. In fact, she even encourages the brutal beast to slay people who annoy her.

But don’t worry. Dr. Zoomis catches up to them and captures the ape. After ANOTHER 25 years, the creature escapes AGAIN, hooks up with Nancy, and a final fight up the Empire State Building (a la King Kong) ensues. Dr. Zoomis is thrown off; the ape is thrown off. Nancy survives only to be joined by a somehow no longer dead Dr. Zoomis, and they walk off into the sunset, holding hands.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

FOR.

REAL.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Now, to clarify, this is a comedy/horror. It is meant to be farce, silly, ridiculous, over the top, absurd. I know that because the inconsistencies in story and editing and sound and continuity and quality cannot convince me otherwise. Even one of the beginning title cards says this movie is, “the dumbest, cheapest one of them all.”

And I can appreciate that honesty.

I have to admit that I really did enjoy the kills. Death by banana was a fun gag, though not the only way the psycho ape killed people. The f/x was a mix of absolute shite CGI and practical stuff. They were…meh.

I did chuckle a couple of times but most of the humor was a big miss. Nearly every scene had elements or was in its entirety some kind of parody of a larger, more well-known franchise. After a while, that loses its impact and becomes quite tiresome. And don’t get me started on the ten-minute filler scene of two trick-or-treaters arguing about what the best animated film is, or whatever the FUCK they were talking about, while the crew decides to stop filming and join the conversation.

Like, what the hell was that? I actually tuned out and stopped watching the movie until the scene changed and someone either died or started yelling. I honestly don’t remember.

Open wide for my beautiful banana...

And perhaps the explanation of what characters were doing after the events of the film was meant to be funny, considering most of them died at some point. But it honestly just felt like a cheap cop-out and lazy writing. Though it did open it up for Psycho Ape 2.

WHYYYYY though? Who asked for that??

Anyway, though there was obviously passion and fun built into this movie, I cannot recommend it for any sane person to watch. Even someone like me, who is secretly a twelve-year old boy, can only tolerate so much in one sitting.

.5 hatchet out of 5

January 1, 2025

A Binge too Far #47: The Twister duo (1996 - 2024)

Posted by Christos Mouroukis

Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton in Twister (1996)

Happy New Year! For me New Year’s Eve is always about changes and setting new goals. Well, for starters, I thought I’d change the way my posts work in Cinema Head Cheese. You’ll still be getting one post per month by yours truly but for 2025 you’ll have only one Static Age installment (that will essentially make the television column annual and will be published in December, in order to wrap things up on the small screen front), and for all other months (January to November) you’ll have A Binge too Far installments (most of them covering a duo of films, or even a trilogy). In other words, every eleven A Binge too Far posts, will be followed by one Static Age post. I decided upon this new arrangement in order for Static Age to grow even bigger and include more content each time (I’m thinking more than 3,000 words and more than twenty series or forty subjects overall tackled per post), while of course A Binge too Far will remain pretty much the same, featuring a special each time that’ll included a couple reviews of a duo of films or a trilogy. Got it?

Twister (1996) poster

Twister (1996)

A couple on the verge of divorce (a tornado expert meteorologist played by Helen Hunt and television weather forecaster played by Bill Paxton) has to overcome its differences and tensions in order to work against a combination of tornados by employing a recently-invented device.

Backed by Warner Bros, Universal Pictures, and Amblin Entertainment, with a lavish $92 million budget, this studio project ensured that director Jan de Bont [Speed (1994)] would have everything at his disposal in order to create a bombastic blockbuster; which is exactly what he did, as a perfect combination of surprisingly believable CGI and practical havoc is blended perfectly and results into a fascinating picture, much more enjoyable than its subject matter would have you expect. It made $495.7 million at the box-office and it became the second highest grossing film of 1996.

Twisters (2024) poster

Twisters (2024)

Traumatized by the death of her colleagues many years ago, meteorologist Kate Carter (the gorgeous Daisy Edgar-Jones) moves to New York in order to approach science in more conventional manner, but when the chance arises she returns to Oklahoma to chase tornados, where she meets local twister wrangler superstar Tyler (Glen Powell), only to create a completion between their two teams.

Directed by Lee Isaac Chung, this belated standalone sequel to the mid-1990s blockbuster is a sensation in itself, featuring bombastic tornado scenes – mostly rendered with surprisingly believable CGI – and a country rocking soundtrack, as well as a great cast. It is very enjoyable and an overall better film than the original. It was budgeted at $155 million and it grossed $369.7 million.

December 21, 2024

Christmas Capsule Reviews 2024 - Part III

Posted by PeggyC

Well, hot damn, I did it. I set out to write up three lists of capsule reviews of the Christmas horror flicks streaming on the services I can access and here we are on list 3. Now, I didn’t watch EVERY available flick on each platform because, let’s be honest. I don’t have the patience for that shit. Plus I’ve already seen a bunch and didn’t want to revisit them here.

This list includes the movies you can watch on SHUDDER.

Carnage for Christmas 2024 (A transgender holiday film - that was specifically noted on the opening title card so I figured I’d mention it)
A true crime podcaster returns home for Christmas and gets wrapped up in the tale of a historic murderer who may have returned.

Kind of a standard trope of a story line. Nothing innovative. The acting is less than stellar except for the actress playing the podcaster, Lola. A lot of the murders and some flashback scenes are edited with artsy lighting and flashing/color changing lights. Which just infuriates me to no end (if you’re not new here, you should not be surprised but this.) And while the practical blood/gore effects are appreciated, they are terribly cheap and cheesy looking. You’re not missing much if you skip this one.

Christmas Bloody Christmas 2022
A local toy store’s robotic Santa goes haywire and starts killing everyone.

So apparently these Mall Santas are being replaced with robots built with military grade technology. But…why though? That makes no sense. The acting is better than most indie films for sure. And the kills are pretty freaking epic, practical effects and everything. But it does take a while to get there. About 30 minutes before the first kill. Some of the banter between the two main characters drags on too long and then the final boss fight is basically a rip off of The Terminator. This really could have been better as a short film.

It’s a Wonderful Knife 2023
After saving her town from a psycho killer a year earlier, Winnie finds herself in a parallel universe where, without her, things are much worse.

Kind of interesting spin on “It’s a Wonderful Life” story but much darker. High production and better acting in this. A few more recognizable name actors in this, too. I didn’t realize that going in. Justin Long was excellent! Not sure they fully explained how this alternate reality was possible because the whole implied control or something but whatevs, I guess. Or how a character from the alternate reality could remember the alternate reality once back in the regular timeline…again, whatevs. Still pretty enjoyable.

The Christmas Spirit 2023
A man has a the Spirit of Christmas trapped in his head ever since his sister’s death 20 years prior. He must kidnap a teen girl and sacrifice her in order to save Christmas.

I liked the idea of the story even though the execution kinda missed the mark. I fast-forwarded through a lot of this to just get it moving. And the climax was taking WAY to long (amirite, ladies?) But the acting is decent, the practical effects are fun, and it did get me crying at one point. So it must have plucked at least one good heart string.

The other flicks available on Shudder are:

A Creature was Stirring
Rare Exports
“A Ghost Story for Christmas”Looks like a series but not sure if they’re all Christmas related or not
Body
Day of the Beast
The Gingerdead Man
I Trapped the Devil
The Sacrifice Game
Black Christmas (OG)
SNDN 2
Holidays
Apology
A Christmas Horror Story
The Advent Calendar
All The Creatures Were Stirring
Creepshow Holiday Special
Bunch of JoeBob stuff
Deadly Games
Christmas Presence

So there you have it. 2024’s Christmas Horror offerings (on just a few of the streaming services available.) Maybe next year I’ll just pick one service and watch everything there, or just keep doing reviews this way. I guess we’ll find out in 2025.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and happy new year!

December 15, 2024

Christmas Capsule Reviews 2024 - Part II

Posted by PeggyC

Well, holy shit, I’m actually getting to the second installment of my Christmas Horror movie capsule reviews just a week after my first post. Who fucking knew I could get it together and actually be productive?

Part Two will cover the offerings of Amazon Prime.

Secret Santa 2018
A tense family get together for the Christmas holiday gets ugly. Someone has taken revenge on all the attendees and someone has to figure out what the hell is going on and stop it before they’re all taken down.

While Robert Kurtzman did the practical f/x for this flick (and they were pretty glorious), the blood spray was CGI and awful. The acting was what you might expect (aka not good) and the humor missed more often than hit. Interesting premise but the execution fell short, mostly because every character was a douchebag and we don’t give a shit what happens to them.

The Christmas Carol (narrated by V. Price) 1949
It’s a live action short film of the tale but Price narrates it. FUCKING GENIUS. It’s only 25 minutes, and that include the opening exposition from Price! Nice introduction to the tale if you or someone you know has never heard it or watched any film adaptation of it.

Did I mention Vincent Price? ‘Nuf said.

Christmassacre (2015) (AKA Secret Santa)
College kids throw a Secret Santa holiday party during finals at school. They don’t know a killer is on the loose with a very special list and murderous presents to dole out.

The longer this movie went on, the more I thought that I had already seen it. Possibly at a party a couple years earlier. But that’s ok. I already took notes, so I’ll just tell you what I think.

The practical effects are fun (the eye ball on the drill bit was a particular favorite). I think they put a filter on the film itself because it looked like a dirty print, giving it that 80s feel. The only character I really enjoyed was Dwayne - just a goofy awkward guy. But fun. The kills are good and the killers (SPOILER ALERT) ended up making me laugh. So I was pretty entertained.

Werewolf Santa 2023
Santa is bitten by a werewolf on Christmas Eve. And now internet blogger, Lucy, and her family set out to save Christmas

I mean…I only watched this for an update to a werewolf encyclopedia I’m helping with so do NOT at me.
The best thing about this movie was that JoeBob Briggs does the introduction, in cartoon form no less. But the rest of it feels pretty lackluster. Acting is awful but the British accents are a little difficult for me to understand, mostly because the audio is a bit muffled, and the actress who played Lucy mumbles A LOT. The characters are neither special nor very likable. And the film kept utilizing title cards to tell us what was happening. Not sure if that was a budgetary issues or lack of imagination to show it. Oh well. The practical effects are fun, though.

Santa Jaws 2018
Cody has a special pen that, whatever he draws, becomes real. He draws a Santa Shark that comes to life and starts killing his family and friends.

I really enjoyed the story on this one. Cody is a good character to get behind (you know, for a teenager). All the acting is actually decent, and really just the Mom character is awful enough to hate. The CGI effects are so bad they’re entertaining, and the deaths by Santa Jaws are funny as hell. Overall not a terrible little indie horror.

Let’s Kill Grandpa This Christmas 2017
A down on his luck pushover is lured into a plot to kill his wife’s grandfather on Christmas.

Average indie horror comedy. Lots of tropes and characters. While Gramp’s family wants him dead, I’m not sure why. He’s a hoot. Overall the film was fine, but it was a slog to get through to the end.

ALSO AVAILABLE (probably not a complete list but I got tired of looking):

All Through the House
Jack Frost (not THAT one) (or THAT one)
Holiday Hell
Krampus Origins
Deathcemeber
Mother Krampus
Jack Frost (THAT one)
Secret Santa
Rare Exports
13 Slay til Christmas

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2

Stay tuned for the final installment next week!

December 8, 2024

Christmas Capsule Reviews 2024 – PART I

Posted by PeggyC

I’m trying to get an earlier start on some holiday horror flicks this year. The idea is to flog myself for three solid weeks instead of binging a bunch of crap over a couple days, like I did for 2023. I’m aiming for three separate posts - one for each streaming service I have (Tubi, Prime, and Shudder.) I’m sure there are more services I can access but let’s be real. Three is too much anyway!

Caveat: I won’t review anything I’ve already seen or reviewed before. I’m trying to hit the flicks that are new, or new to me. I’ll most likely leave a handful out because they were murder mysteries (crime spree/detective/thriller) shoehorned into the Christmas holiday.

This is my article. I do what I want.

TUBI

Killer Raccoons! 2! Dark Christmas in the Dark! (2020)

Newly released from prison, Casey plans to take a train out of his hometown to get a fresh start. Unfortunately, there is a group of criminals, and their killer raccoons, on the train with other ideas.

Apparently this is a parody of Dark Siege and Speed 2. If you say so…

As is expected from an indie horror/comedy, the acting is less than stellar; special effects belong on the short bus; the humor is juvenile. Now I’m the first to admit I’m secretly a 12-year-old boy. But when every line of dialogue (AND I MEAN EVERY LINE) has some kind of joke or double entendre or nudgenudgewinkwink in it, the “humor” dissipates very quickly – like a fart in the wind.

I did like the actor who played Casey, though – Yang Miller. And if you like cameos from one of the porn industry’s highly prolific sexual predators, then you’ll love this.

I did discover that this movie has similar or the same characters from 2005’s Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night! So I guess it’s kind of a sequel, however unnecessary.

Santastein (2023)

One Christmas, little Max Causey accidentally kills Santa. Twelve years later, he perfects a method that will raise him from the dead!

Like the name implies, he’s taking parts from a bunch of bodies and Frankensteining a new Santa. And to guarantee it IS Santa, Max kept Santa’s brain. From twelve years prior. In a jar. Uh, okay…

While the sound is unbalanced, the cinematography is a thousand times better than the last flick. There are some great kills, honestly chilling moments, and gory goopy practical effects. Lots of fun.

The Christmas Tapes (2022)

A stranger, Geoff, shows up to a family’s home under the guise of a disabled car. But it turns out he wants to make the next great Christmas classic movie. It’s a found footage/SOV type of anthology film. And the stranger shows a handful of tapes to the family, hoping to inspire the aspiring daughter filmmaker-to-be.

Geoff is played by none other than Greg Sestero (oh, HAI Mark.) His acting is a little stilted but not bad. He plays four tapes for the family:

1. A travel vlogging couple summons a German scarecrow (very Blair Witch vibes.)

2. Dad making a vlog about being boxed up like a gift to be delivered to his kids by “Santa” and “Mrs. Claus.” Unfortunately, Santa originally worked for the Dad and got fired. As you might imagine, he’s not too happy about it.

3. Guy applies to a dating app then wakes up a prisoner to an unknown captor who’s put a chip in his head to get him to do what he wants. Very VR game visuals. And it’s SOOOPER SHORT.

4. Couple filming themselves as they move into their new home. But they’re not alone – a haunted Santa figurine wreaks havoc and they hire a paranormal investigator, who is an absolute HOOT (played by Dave Sheridan, he of Special Officer Doofy from Scary Movie fame.)

Geoff ends his terrorizing evening by giving the Santa figurine to the captive family.

(*clapboard smack* FIN)

A Christmas Slay (2015)

Santa obsessed psycho killer escapes from a local hospital and attacks a group of young people in a remote lodge.

Loved the practical effects. The film is filled with standard tropes, and it does drag quite a bit from time to time. I adored the psycho Santa, played by Frank Jakeman, who is a little cutie patootie IMHO. Not so original twist ending, though.

Once upon a Time at Christmas (2017)

A psychotic couple, dressed as Mr. and Mrs. Claus, go on a murder spree.

Acting is a mixed bag. The crazy couple look pretty good but someone wanted to emulate Harley Quinn in Mrs. Claus’s hairstyle. Kinda pulled me out of the movie a bit.

Again, the cinematography is surprisingly good for an indie film, though it mostly consists of a ton of overhead shots. The blood CGI was total crap but the practical effects weren’t so bad.

The best thing, though, was the motivation or reasoning behind the killing spree. Hilarious and kinda clever. I won’t spoil it, though!

Nights Before Christmas (2019)

A four-years-later sequel to OUaTaC, the same murderous holiday couple run around killing people. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Basically the same critique as the first movie. They didn’t change a lot of the formula/tropes, except for the motivation. If you see the first movie, you don’t really need to watch this one.

If those little nuggets intrigue you enough to head over to Tubi (what is WRONG with you?) here’s a list of a bunch of other flicks you can watch there, too. Again, I’ve either reviewed these, seen them, or just overwhelmed myself with too much crap for one week and couldn’t bring myself to watch any more.

Nightmare on 34^th Street

The Killing Tree

All Through the House

Down the Chimney with a Shotgun*

Nutcracker Massacre

Christmas Blood (Juleblod)

ALL the indie Krampus crap (like Mother Krampus 1 and 2, Krampus:Origins, blah blah blah)