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October 26, 2016

TV Review: Haters Back Off! (Netflix, 2016)

I will generally give any show a few episodes before I quit watching it. Sometimes, I'll sit through whole seasons, just to be agitated and disappointed. Take seasons 5-7 of Mad Men, for example. I sat around waiting hour after hour for something interesting or entertaining to happen, and it never did. John Hamm, who I don't blame at all for the disastrous nose dive of that series, actually got an Emmy for the last season. I suppose anyone should be rewarded for gracefully choking their way through the demise of something that was once brilliant. I was smarter with shows like Dexter and Game of Thrones. These shows that people inexplicably love play out in such a flat and dull manner that I dove off the ship after a very short stint. Hate me for saying it all you want. They're terrible shows. I'm sure I'll get the same level of hate for this mess based on a popular YouTube star.

Sure, the title expects people like me to chime in. I get it. When you share hundreds of videos on YouTube, you're bound to get some horrible reactions. Miranda Sings is the creation of Colleen Ballinger, and she is everything a delusional YouTuber should be. She believes she has talent, which she doesn't. Her friends and family tell her how good she is, which she isn't. People online tell her to keep going, which she shouldn't. She's bad. She's Chocolate Rain bad. Her singing is blocked up and nasal. Thanks to her uncle, she starts a YouTube channel, and her videos start to get hits, mostly from a boy who likes her.

October 17, 2016

Movie Review: Paranormal Sexperiments (2016)

Week after week, I see reviews from our wonderful writers. Sometimes they love the movies they're sent for review, and sometimes they struggle through some of the worst pieces of garbage a human being can lay eyes on. That's the nature of this movie review business. Some great, some good, and so much bad. Most of the movies land on my doorstep, and I'll admit to fishing through for titles I may want to watch before passing them along for Jeff to dole out. I don't keep all of the good ones. That would be selfish, and I don't have enough time to get through them all. It would also be selfish to avoid all of the bad ones, so occasionally, I bite the bullet. This time, I choked down a big pile of shrapnel.

I have to say that I'm baffled to see movies like this still being made. I don't know who still watches softcore porn. Don't be fooled. That's exactly what this is. I didn't realize that when I decided to watch it. I truly didn't know this stuff still existed. I just thought it was some kind of stupid parody. Does everyone know about the internet? I assume so, if you're reading this. They have real adult films on real easy to find websites. In fact, two days after I watched this, I saw the lead actress on the front page of one of those sites. Don't worry, my wife approves. We're a progressive couple, and I frankly prefer her to anyone I see in any video. Anyway, when you can see the actors you want to see on the adult sites... forget it. Someone is obviously buying this stuff.

Movie Review: Mascots (Netflix, 2016)

Netflix has grabbed some big names since starting to produce their own movies and television shows. While series seems to be what most of us focus on, they've been quietly ramping up their movie production. Adam Sandler is a third of the way through his six movie deal, Ricky Gervais recently shared both a series and movie on the platform, documentaries are flowing like water, and now Christopher Guest has added a film to the service. His latest mockumentary focuses on a competition between the top twenty team mascots from around the world. It's basically Best in Show with a different setting, but it's still worth watching.

We start with Mike and Mindy Murray (Zach Woods and Sarah Baker) as a couple who performs as an octopus and turtle, respectively, for their local baseball team. The two are clearly in a difficult marriage, partly because of infidelity. Their on screen awkwardness is perfectly uncomfortable, because we've all known or been this couple. In contrast, we see a lovely English couple, the Gollys (pronounced Jolly). Owen Jr. is a third generation soccer mascot trying to prove himself to his father. Chris O'Down is an aggressive hockey mascot known as The Fist. He's a Scottish man living in Alberta because of a cult his parents started. We follow a few other interesting mascots including a worm, a plumber and an armadillo. They are all unique in strange ways.

Blue Underground presents 99 WOMEN (3-Disc Limited Edition)

Director:    Jess Franco
Star(s):    Maria Schell, Herbert Lom, Mercedes McCambridge, Luciana Paluzzi, Maria Rohm, Rosalba Neri, Elisa Montes, Valentina Godoy

The Demented Mother Of All Women-In-Prison Movies!

For his epic shocker of caged women gone wild, legendary director Jess Franco (MARQUIS DE SADE’S JUSTINE) brought together a once-in-a-lifetime cast of International beauties including Maria Schell (THE ODESSA FILE), Luciana Paluzzi (THUNDERBALL), Rosalba Neri (LADY FRANKENSTEIN) and Maria Rohm (VENUS IN FURS). Oscar® winner Mercedes McCambridge (JOHNNY GUITAR) and Herbert Lom (THE DEAD ZONE) co-star as the sadistic wardens of an island prison where abused yet luscious young lovelies surrender to their own depraved desires. Behind bars… without men… experience the unchained passion of 99 WOMEN!

Long censored around the world, Blue Underground is proud to present the Unrated Director’s Cut of 99 WOMEN in a brand new 4K restoration, along with startling Extras including an eye-popping interview with Jess Franco himself! This Limited Edition also includes a new 4K scan of the notorious French Version (LES BRULANTES) on a bonus Blu-ray Disc!

October 6, 2016

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - Yoga Hosers (2016)

Kevin, Dalyn and Gio discuss the second film in Kevin Smith's Great North Trilogy.

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October 5, 2016

Movie Review: Meat (2010)

I swear to the gods, Dolniak, you ever send me an arthouse style film again, I will hunt you down, prop your eye lids open with toothpicks, and force you to watch Twilight on repeat for seven straight days. And then when you’re begging for mercy, I’ll put in From Justin to Kelly and leave you there for another seven.

Artspolitation Films (*eye roll*) brings us Meat, an independent award winning film (which means absolutely NOTHING to me if it’s rife with bullshit) about…I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. It’s basically an art film that’s trying to be exploitation and fails SPECTACULARLY. Though I suppose it succeeded as an art film in which case IT JUST SUCKS MAJOR DONKEY BALLS.

Here’s the film description on IMDB:  “A girl is awakened to a world of cruelty, shadowy passions and sensuality.” They forget to mention it’s via a fat, sweaty, lusty butcher while she films everything and all imagery is some kind of fucking metaphor for humanity or something. I get no sensuality off this film. I suppose the cruelty is the slaughter of animals and not getting love from some guy she hardly knows. I guess peeing on someone could be considered a shadowy passion - it’s not for everyone.

September 30, 2016

Cinematic Hell: The Giant Gila Monster (1959)

by Hal Astell

Director: Ray Kellogg

Stars: Don Sullivan, Fred Graham and Lisa Simone

One of two features produced back to back in 1959 by an independent production company in Texas called Hollywood Pictures Corporation, such a generic name that it was the second such company, this was the half that didn't even get the title right. At least The Killer Shrews starred a bunch of killer shrews, along with James Best from The Dukes of Hazzard, but this one just has a Mexican beaded lizard. Perhaps the filmmakers felt that The Giant Gila Monster made for a better title, even though most of the people watching couldn't pronounce it properly. It has two selling points today, beyond being a bad but fun film. Firstly, the font used on the promotional posters, though not on the title card, is the one memorably borrowed by Glenn Danzig for his bands The Misfits, Samhain and Danzig. Secondly, this is a monster movie with a real monster, because instead of putting a fake monster into real sets they put a real monster into fake sets.

September 27, 2016


Infamous Horror Movie Classic Now Back In Theaters!

For Immediate Release

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. - Grindhouse Releasing, the award-winning "Criterion of cult movie labels", has set a Nov. 8 street date for the new deluxe Blu-ray edition of David E. Durston's gruesome and graphically violent 1971 horror favorite I DRINK YOUR BLOOD. It's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD meets the Manson Family in this gore-drenched tale of LSD-crazed hippies who go on a murderous rampage through a small town after consuming rabies-injected meat pies!

Grindhouse Releasing's deluxe 2-disc Blu-ray set not only presents the ultra-violent, uncensored director's cut of I DRINK YOUR BLOOD in a new hi-def transfer but also includes two more vintage exploitation films in their HD debut: Del Tenney's I EAT YOUR SKIN (1964) and Durston's long-unseen, X-rated psychedelic shocker BLUE SEXTET (1969). Packed with new bonus features not seen on Grindhouse Releasing's 2002 DVD release, the I DRINK YOUR BLOOD Blu-ray is the ultimate edition of a notorious "Blood Horror" classic.

The first film to be rated X for violence, I DRINK YOUR BLOOD was a huge-grossing hit at drive-ins and "grindhouse" theaters but was severely censored during its original release.

Trailer: v=2utB1RDV4gc

September 22, 2016

Movie Review: Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (Blu-ray, Twilight Time)

More often than not, when the late Sam Peckinpah casted actors for his films their personas emulated the tough and rebellious attitude that the director was known for. These guys (and gals) had some grit! Whether it’s Steve McQueen in The Getaway, L.Q Jones, Ernest Borgnine and William Holden in The Wild Bunch or Dustin Hoffman in Straw Dogs, machismo was never in doubt for any characters. Okay, I was kidding about Hoffman.

Bring Me the Head of Afredo Garcia star, Warren Oates, is definitely towards the top of the Peckinpah tough guy regulars. Here’s a man who probably ate nail sandwiches, slathered in dirt and would wash them down with motor oil -- all with a smile on his face. Even with a very slight stature Oates is so believably bad-ass. His portrayal of the lead character of “Bennie”, a hard-on-his-luck bartender looking to cash in on the bounty of the head of a dead john is truly one of the finer performances in the actor’s career (until he passed away at at 52 in 1982). Twilight Time has taken the Peckinpah classic and given a very deserving Blu-ray release with all the fixins'.

September 15, 2016

Movie Review: La Notte (1961)

Over the course of a day and through the night, an unfaithful couple go through the city of Milan; together and separate.  It is very apparent that the two have grown distant and now must figure out what is next in their lives.

I like that this film doesn't quite have a direction other than where the world takes each of the characters.  The visuals throughout Milan, Italy are amazing.  from walking the streets to the elitist house party(which boasts one of the most awesome pools I've seen).  Michelangelo Antonioni, the director of the film, has a fantastic eye for bringing the audience into a day in the life of this couple.

The husband, played brilliantly by , is a novelist who is quite well known.  He does have an eye for other women but does not seem to want to disrupt his home life.  The wife, played by , can see the two have become distant and seems encouraging of her husband being with another woman() who can give him what she cannot provide.

I was surprised how much I enjoyed this film.  While not conventional in how it is filmed, the audience is treated with getting a great visual of the psyche of the characters.  All of this film takes place within a day and concludes the next morning.  This film is definitely worth a viewing and I'm glad I received it in the Boxwalla subscription box.  You can read my reviews of Boxwalla's movie subscription boxes at HelloSubscription.

Movie Review: Hiroshima Mon Amour (1959)

"Hiroshima Mon Amour" is a French film directed by Alain Resnais based on the screenplay by Marguerite Duras.  The film follows the one night stand of a French actress() and a Japanese architect() that blossoms in what appears to the characters as love.  The film follows the two characters in their final day together as the actress must leave for Paris in the morning.

I will start off this review with what I enjoyed from the film.  The visuals were stunning.  The beginning alone had some of the most haunting imagery as we were brought back to Hiroshima just after the atomic bomb was dropped.  You are able to look back and see the destruction that was caused and really see why nuclear war should never be a thing.  The director did a superb job of showing the deformities, hair loss, damage to food supply and death.  The actress is recounts the events while the architect constantly reminding her, "You saw nothing in Hiroshima."

This movie will never let you forget that it takes place in Hiroshima.  You are repeatedly beat over the head with the fact that this is where the movie takes place.  Well, other than Nevers, France.  The two characters constantly remind each other where the other is from.

And what of these characters?  You get to hear plenty of backstory from where they want to tell the other.  We hear very little about their spouses.  We are just reminded that one night together was so wonderful, that it's painful to be apart from each other.  We spend ninety minutes of the architect attempting to convince the actress to stay with him in Hiroshima(even though his wife will be there in 3 days).  The actress spends ninety minutes trying to push him away despite the fact he'll listen to her stories from her youth.  Well, he listens until she gets too emotional and then slaps her a couple times.  The bartender and patrons raise their eyebrows to see what was going on but the actress seemed very approving of the smacks across her face and everyone went about their business.

I received this movie in the Boxwalla subscription box and you can read my reviews for the boxes themselves at HelloSubscription.  This wasn't my favorite film that I've received but at ninety minutes, it was worth checking out.

September 10, 2016

Island of the Cannibal Death Gods (2011) Movie Review

Apparently someone at CHC wanted me to be surprised and delighted with the next film in the DVD stack as it had no writing on it. Kind of like one of those grab bags you get at the Dollar store - could be toys, could be housewares, could be a pile of dog shit for all you know.

Guess which one I got?

Island of the Cannibal Death Gods (are you FUCKING kidding me right now? Gods damn you, Hayes) is the story of David, Steve, and Derek (celebrity, his agent, and brother-in-law respectively) who decide to charter a fishing boat for a nice weekend away. Seems Dave fucked up (literally - he cheated on his wife) and the press are getting all up in his business 24/7. 

So they hook up with Captain Robin Murphy (a female captain who’s tough and independent? How unique and unexpected.) and tootle around some tiny islands while the Captain entices the men with local pirate legends, hidden treasures, and stories of cannibals! Before they can decide whether they want to go hunting for buried treasure, they come across an abandoned boat. While searching for survivors they’re picked off one by one. Could it be the cannibals Captain Murphy was talking about? Will they stop bickering long enough to survive this threat? Do any of us fucking care?

All together now. One…two…three….NO!

Let’s cover everything wrong with this film.
  1. Sound: very uneven; mismatched vocals; the generic ‘realistic punch’ sound effect made the fight scenes even more pathetic.
  2. Visuals: I’m guessing it was the low budget but it basically looked like someone grabbed a camcorder and started filming; lots of shaking and unsteady work - I actually got a little motion sick from it; the ridiculous ‘cannibal cam’.
  3. Characters: dear lord there was no one to get behind; cliche bad guys; douchebag and extremely WHINY main characters.
  4. Acting: lackluster and awkward; the cannibals themselves were utterly ridiculous (especially considering their zebra loin cloths - pretty sure there are no wild zebras in Florida - and their awkward tribal dancing).
  5. Story: unoriginal; predictable; pacing was very slow; death right out of the gate but then it took FOREVER for the next one; lots of exposition dumps.

Okay now the few things right with this movie:
  1. Florence LeMerle as Robin Murphy. She was the best actor in the bunch. I enjoyed her screen time immensely and the scene where she’s telling a story to the guys and screams at them, like a jump scare while telling a ghost story around a campfire, was awesome. I got a good laugh at that.
  2. The ‘twist’ ending: while the actual plot twist has been done dozens of times, the reveal of it was HILARIOUS!
  3. Effects: you don’t really see much in the way of kills (most are done off screen), the few we see include awesome practical effects. I’m so glad they didn’t do any of that CGI bullshit. The dangling eye was my particular favorite.
So as you can see, the good does not outweigh the bad in this flick. While there are parts that were enjoyable, the overall quality is just awful and really not worth your time.

1 hatchet (out of 5)

September 7, 2016

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - Super Mansion (Crackle, 2015)

Kevin digs into a Crackle original superhero series from the people behind Robot Chicken.

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September 4, 2016

Movie Review: Der Bunker

Reviewed by: James D.
Der Bunker is one of those films that once you watch it, you will have something to digest well after the credits. If “ Serbian Film” was about a typical family in the underground of Serbia. This film can be seen as a typical family in a very odd part of Germany. The story revolves around a young man who is renting a bunker. This room could be seen as a rubber room for the mentally damaged. It has no windows, and is pretty depressing looking. On the surface, this could work because he can throw himself into his passion and work. Also, in this house is a mom and dad and their son Klaus. 

August 30, 2016

Movie Review: Don't Look in the Basement 2 (2015, Horror/Terror; RDM Pictures/Legless Corpse Films)

...for most avid cult film fans, public domain movies...the amassed number of which tends to rise and fall, like some unstable stock market entity, based upon...on one end of the spectrum, occasional, flavor-of-the-moment interest in the film's, a whole lotta stale, albeit tasty cheese...and on the other end, total lack of interest, whatsoever...are, for lack of a better term, 'embraceably negligible' classics. Recognized classics, to be sure...but negligible, in the sense of the now-invariable ho-hum standard that they once set...many of them set on the path to obscurity, once relegated to mere truncated late-night TV viewing, and now, generically found on countless multi-movie collections (...these days, a la 'Echo Bridge' and 'Mill Creek', just to name a couple of the 'majors', in the venue)...

...Alas...Forlorn. Abandoned. Forgotten (, nudge, nudge)...

...and yet, some...given an attentive study of a numerous select few...seem hardly worthy of the misfit, nary-hand-waving, matter-of-fact abandonment and ignorance, which coins a large number of those films...with certain and resignated finality, relegated to the 'public domain' category, and as such, have been underliningly rallied and championed by their equally eclectically select fan bases; and let's face it: knowing that certain films are, in fact, public domain...well, is genuinely jaw-dropping, upon close examination ( a revelating 'for instance', it's probably no secret that the grand pooh-bah 'holy grail' of all flesh-gnashing zombie flicks...yes, director George Romero's immortal 1968 horror classic, "Night of of the Living Dead" is indeed one of them...sliding in and out of the public domain realm, all the time...Go figure, right??)...

August 26, 2016

Movie Review: Anna: Scream Queen Killer (2013)

Chemical Burn Entertainment. When that popped up on the screen I couldn’t help rolling my eyes and shuddering in disgust at the same time. My last experience with this production/distribution company brought me Piranha-Man vs. Werewolf Man. I still have nightmares... But once this flick got rolling, I was pleasantly surprised at its quality. Well, maybe ‘pleasantly’ is too strong a word. I didn’t vomit, let’s put it that way.

Anna: Scream Queen Killer is about Anna (duh), a well known horror actress who’s been called to audition for some upcoming work. It starts out normal enough - she works through several scenes calling for her to be infected by an alien virus, to become a vampire, be trapped and afraid, etc. But each scenario the director asks for becomes more and more twisted and sexual. She’s also required to remove more clothing each time. Though obviously uncomfortable, Anna continues to comply in hopes of getting the job.

As the audition process drags on (and on and on…), it seems the director just wants to get his rocks off but for Anna, the lines between reality and make-believe begin to blur.

August 24, 2016

The Ultimate Blu-ray Release of "Blue Sunshine" is Now Available From FilmCentrix!

Unexplained acts of violence and murder are occurring in Los Angeles, all with a couple of strange similarities: the killers have suddenly gone bald and are somehow connected to a drug known only as ‘Blue Sunshine.’

When Jerry Zipkin (Zalman King) is wrongfully accused of murdering 3 women whose real killer was his best friend, Frannie (Richard Crystal), another victim of Blue Sunshine, he sets out to clear his name and discover the secret behind the mysterious substance. With the cops hot on his trail, Zipkin carefully elludes capture, while he unravels the mystery, leading him into the secret world of political coverups and deadly scientific studies, where death and mayhem lurk around every corner.

FilmCentrix and legendary director, Jeff Lieberman (Squirm, Just Before Dawn), proudly present this 1977 horror classic in a brand new, director approved 4K restoration, made from the original 35mm camera negative. The ultimate trip!

August 18, 2016

Movie Review: "The Bandit" (2016, Documentary; Miles End Films/CMT)

...hey, no doubt about was a little '70's drive-in-flavored flick, with some rather big, rather big ambitions. Pretty much snubbed as mere exploitative dreck by just about every studio who laid eyes upon the script...yes, even by A.I.P., of all places...hell, even by the very studio that eventually, albeit reluctantly picked it up for production...and surprisingly (...considering his previous few films of similar ilk, playing the likes of 'Gator' McKlusky, W.W. Bright, or simply Lewis, from "Deliverance"), it was even resigned and relegated as virtually unreleasable by the film's proposed star, who called the script 'ridiculous', suggesting that no one, absolutely no one would buy into it (...though, with the added 'what-the-hell' notion of 'well, OK...if you can get the money and the studio, I'll do it'). Clearly, a gamble for the film's untried director...this pretty much unknown,  recklessly seasoned, albeit capable stuntman, albeit with 20 years of experience, having executed some of the most dynamic falls, crashes and fist-fights set to film, and still managing to walk away from it all, relatively unscathed. Indeed, a gamble for even the film's aforementioned 'star' who put his own reputation and superstardom on the line...nay, not for the money, not for the fame, not even for the experience...but for his dearest and most devoted friend, who's abilities, though not necessarily the project, he had the utmost faith in, even as everyone else was, outright insinuating that he couldn't do it...

August 17, 2016

Movie Review: The Hawaiians (1970)

Movie Review by Greg Goodsell

Directed by Tom Gries

The first film adaptation of the sprawling James Michener novel, Hawaii was the epic of the same name in 1966 (see my previous review here). That entry concentrated on the influence of American Christian missionaries on native islanders in the early 19th Century. The Hawaiians, which followed in 1970, would concentrate on the impact of Chinese and Japanese migrants arriving in the tropical paradise at the turn of the century. Presenting a wide diorama of various cultures struggling for dominance in an enchanting land, The Hawaiians maintains an intimate narrative while thoroughly entertaining its audience.

Preeminent American screen star Charlton Heston stars as Whip Hoxworth, an irascible seaman eager to leave his business of transporting Chinese immigrants – who are essentially “indentured servants,” or “slaves” to keep the bustling island's capital of Honolulu running. Among whip's latest batch is the shrewd Mun Ki (Mako) who plans to make the at-first slovenly and unappealing “mountain girl” Nyuk Tsin (Tina Chen, the film's true star) into a first-class prostitute. But as history proves, there are lots of variables, and in short order Nyuk Tsin becomes Mun Ki's “wife.” The Hawaiians then focuses on Nyuk's journey from a hapless victim to a strong-willed, industrious woman who galvanizes the large family she starts with Mun Ki into prosperity – in spite, or perhaps because of the limitations placed upon her as a low-caste Chinese woman.