by Heather Henshaw
Buy Machete on Blu-ray or DVD
This movie starts with Federale agent Machete (Danny Trejo) being betrayed and set-up by his boss, resulting in his wife and child being murdered by drug kingpin Torrez (Steven Seagal). This part takes place in Mexico. Three years later he ends up in Texas where he is hired to assassinate Senator McLaughlin (Robert De Niro). Senator McLaughlin is an extreme activist against illegal immigrants and he wants to build a fence to keep the "cockroaches" out. Then you get the vigilante Von Don's (Don Johnson) group of your average Texas hillbillies, with his head henchman Billy (Billy Blair) who can't seem to "man up" and pukes at everything. These boys are funded by the heads of the plots and they will kill anyone who tries to cross their border or get in the way of their goal. Machete seems to get set up through Don Johnson throughout this whole movie, and he aims to take all of them down.
Now, to the really good stuff. Within the first five minutes, you will be out of your seat cheering and yelling at the screen. What could be better than a triple decapitation in one swing? You also get a very sexy Jessica Alba in the shower. Hell, you even see Lindsay Lohan's nipples. No joke! This film is just a constant fun filled movie that never lets up. It is a racially based film but all done in good taste. This is how Grindhouse movies should be. It has your nudity, blood, guts; it's just a downright masterpiece. Did you know the human intestines are 60 feet long?
In the end you must see this film. It's truly my pick of the year. I could go on forever about this film, but I would rather you get up and go see it. So folks, get up, log off and go have some fun with Machete! I promise you will love this film. If you don't, then, well, you need to go see a doctor!