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February 1, 2017

Movie Review: Paranormal Sexperiments (2016)

Week after week, I see reviews from our wonderful writers. Sometimes they love the movies they're sent for review, and sometimes they struggle through some of the worst pieces of garbage a human being can lay eyes on. That's the nature of this movie review business. Some great, some good, and so much bad. Most of the movies land on my doorstep, and I'll admit to fishing through for titles I may want to watch before passing them along for Jeff to dole out. I don't keep all of the good ones. That would be selfish, and I don't have enough time to get through them all. It would also be selfish to avoid all of the bad ones, so occasionally, I bite the bullet. This time, I choked down a big pile of shrapnel.

I have to say that I'm baffled to see movies like this still being made. I don't know who still watches softcore porn. Don't be fooled. That's exactly what this is. I didn't realize that when I decided to watch it. I truly didn't know this stuff still existed. I just thought it was some kind of stupid parody. Does everyone know about the internet? I assume so, if you're reading this. They have real adult films on real easy to find websites. In fact, two days after I watched this, I saw the lead actress on the front page of one of those sites. Don't worry, my wife approves. We're a progressive couple, and I frankly prefer her to anyone I see in any video. Anyway, when you can see the actors you want to see on the adult sites... forget it. Someone is obviously buying this stuff.

The story is pretty basic. A young woman (Blair Williams) inherits a haunted house. The ghost running the show is played by Erika Jordan. She's the reason I watched this. I don't fish through the app often, but I occasionally scroll through, and her pictures make me laugh. Even in a still shot, her acting is terrible. I had to see how bad it was in real life. I got what I expected. Anyway, her ghost character makes people horny, and sex happens, and it's just bad. It's all bad. At one point, one woman is grinding on another woman's stomach, and somehow they're both getting off on this. It makes Tommy Wiseau's belly button scene look amazing.

This movie was made for the guys that go on Facebook and comment, "Beautiful" or "Very sexy ;)" on a woman's photo while somehow expecting that their comment will make the woman leap vagina first into their laps while declaring their love for the internet creeper who stalks them daily. It's for the kind of guy who actively comments on Pornhub videos. It's for the guy who knows every porn star by name. He ranks them, knows the movie titles they're in, and so on. This is just junk, start to finish. It's not good for anything. It's a bad movie, it's bad porn, and I wouldn't use it for a coaster. It's just junk.

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