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November 1, 2021

A Binge too Far #19: Horror Reservoir

Frame from Critters Attack! (2019)


 

Becoming a successful actor is a trap! Whereas when you start your career on small independent films you shoot a protagonist role in 2-3 weeks and the critics love your performance, while when you become part of the system and employed in big-budget films it takes that amount of times to shoot a merely bit-part and the critics will hate your guts. Not that this advice to aspiring young actors has anything to do with the present article, but I couldn’t come up with any more relevant introduction.

 

Critters Attack! (2019)

Critters Attack!
(2019)

 

Unable to entertain Trissy (TV actress Ava Preston), Jake (TV actor Jack Fulton), and Phillip (TV actor Jaeden Noel), their babysitter Drea (Tashiana Washington) takes them to the nearby park, where they discover a good (and white) Critter which they take back home with them. The problem however is that myriad of bad (and black) Critters have also landed in the area, and they are causing mayhem with their three rows of teeth and arrow-throwing backs. Dee (franchise favorite and overall horror icon Dee Wallace) will come to the rescue.

 

On the wake of the box-office success of the Gremlins duo (1984 – 1990), the Critters franchise (1986 – ongoing) proved to be the best competitor of sorts and its cult following is huge up to this day. However, the last we heard of from Crites (as the monsters are called in the film by many of the main characters) was back in 1992. That is until Critters: A New Binge (2019) was released to not too much acclaim (I haven’t seen it, but from what I heard it’s pretty bad). This was quickly followed by the feature under review, which although it did not cause a stir either, it is quite enjoyable.

 

For a film called Critters Attack, a few words about the attacks should be written, and be assured that those are well-staged, in a ‘don’t show too much’ kind of thriller way, an approach that was most likely taken due to budgetary reasons, but it works aesthetically in spades (The attacks are also quite gory, resulting in the film’s R-rating, whereas all the previous installments were rated PG-13). A Critters film should also be about Small Town, America, and this is indeed the set-up here too, and although it delivers exactly what we wanted as fans, I couldn’t help but wonder how cool it would be to see our favorite monsters in a metropolis one day. Hein de Vos’ cinematography is dark and very appropriate with the film’s thriller tone. Plus, all your favorite gags are here and then some. A winner that is highly recommended.

 

The rebirth of the franchise was announced by the SyFy Channel (whom it sounds like that would be interested in making more installments, much to our pleasure) in October 2018 and this first film started principal photography (in secret, no less) on February 2019. A trailer was made available a couple of months later, and the film itself was made available online on July 2019.

 

Apostle (2018) poster

Apostle
(2018)

 

Set in 1905, this is about Thomas Richardson (Dan Stevens, mostly known for his TV work) who lands on a secluded Welsh village, the habitants of which have kidnapped his sister (Elen Rhys, also mostly known for her TV work) and demand money for her return. The male lead soon discovers that the village’s history is built upon superstition, religious dogmatism and fanaticism, violence, corruption, hypocrisy, and what’s more, the prevailing cult may be hiding some literal monsters as well.

 

Writer/director Gareth Evans (who also produced with Ed Talfan and Aram Tertzakian) invested in atmosphere and as a result he managed to deliver a slow burn masterpiece that becomes even greater when one considers the tricky aspect that it is in fact a period piece. Premiering at the Fantastic Fest in September 2018, it then quickly (approximately a month later) ended on Netflix, where it can now be appreciated by everybody, as indeed it does.

 

Afterword

 

My views on censorship and religion are very similar. If your religion does not allow you to do something, this is fine. If your religion does not allow me to do something, then you can both fuck off. Same applies to censorship of any kind. If you are offended by something you’re watching or you simply think that you shouldn’t be watching it because it is inappropriate, then this is fine. If you are offended because I watch something and you think that I shouldn’t be watching it, then you can fuck off.


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October 28, 2021

DEMIGOD (2021) Movie Review

I hate to admit that I’m leery of modern horror films. More often than not, they’re turds hiding in shitty CGI with no originality. But for some reason - maybe the slick trailer got me - I wanted to give this one a try. And I have to say, I’m not 100% disappointed. So, there’s that.

I will do my best not to reveal any spoilers as this movie just came out a couple of weeks ago. So this will probably be a short review!

The basic story of Demigod is this: After Robin’s grandfather dies, she and her husband, Leo, return to Germany, where she was born and lived as a small child. There they find a dark secret waiting for them.

 

It seems jumping on the pagan/witch bandwagon is a thing now. It was a huge trope in the sixties and seventies, where the witches worshipped Satan, killed babies, and put hexes on people. Then the nineties gave us movies like The Craft and Practical Magic which, at the very least, gave us some accurate basics of witchcraft and paganism. And then The VVitch came out and threw the witchcraft trial victims right under the horse cart and perpetuated the untruth of witches worshipping Satan and killing babies.

Fucking trolls.

At least the people of Demigod have returned to the more basic truths of paganism and witchcraft, and wrapped them in the folklore of Germany, specifically the Black Forest. Think deep dark woods, hunting, horned god, sacrifice, etc. You see where this is going?

That’s all I’m going to tell you because any more would really give away too much. So let me talk about the good aspects of the film.


Is there something on my face? Here? This side? Did I get it?
 


   The cinematography and location shoots are gorgeous. Atmosphere fits each scene and situation well. I never felt pulled out of the story because something was off in the surroundings.

   Pacing is just right. There is a good buildup with character introductions, backstory building, scene setting. Then at about the halfway mark, the shit hits the fan.

   Acting is excellent. I only recognized one actress (Rachel Nichols, who played Robin) but everyone else matched her skills. I was personally impressed with the child, Rachel Ryals, who played Amalia, and Miles Doleac who played Amalia’s father, Arthur. What really impressed me is that of the actors playing the German natives, only ONE was born there. Maybe she helped with dialect and accents but whatever the case, I really thought German actors were hired for this movie. Good job everyone!

   I did really like a few lines of dialogue: “The night has come to kill the day. Sleep well.” - Arthur (okay, thanks for creeping me out, dude). “I’m nobody’s servant.” - Robin. She ended up being pretty strong, not as bad ass as Amalia, but that line gave me goosebumps.


Da fuq did you just say to me?

And now for the bad.

   The actual demigod, Cernnous (I think that was the name - honestly, they called him a dozen different things) looked straight up like a guy running around in a bull mask. Bad CGI for his mouth movement, random use of glowing eyes, and a rambling speech near the end about ritual and servants and blah blah blah.

   Either too long establishing shots (walking up a path or whatever) and some long speeches about traditions and ritual and blah blah blah pulls the viewer out of the experience.

   Robin is a relatively smart character but it takes a lot of her asking “What?” “What do you mean?” “I don’t understand” before the story can progress, while the rest of us are waiting for her to catch up.

   Glomming onto the witch trend, making them evil and murdery (even if it’s explained as for a ‘higher’ purpose) still pisses me off to no end.

So aside from these few issues, overall the film is entertaining and interesting. I don’t think it was released in theaters but you can rent it on Amazon. Maybe you should check it out!

3 hatchets (out of 5)

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 


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October 1, 2021

Static Age #18: The Bourne Identity (1988)

The Bourne Identity (1988)


This Static Age’s spotlight goes to The Bourne Identity (1988), a two-part mini-series (both episodes are feature-length, typical for ABC at the time), based on the same-titled 1980 book by Robert Ludlum, adapted for the small screen by Carol Sobieski and directed by Robert Young. The now-famous story (catapulted to households the world around thanks to the 2000s theatrical films, that we will have a look at on a later post of this blog) follows Jason Bourne (Richard Chamberlain) who wakes up in a small French town, suffering from heavy memory loss. Trying to recover his memory, he realizes that people want him dead, and in order to solve the puzzle of his past he will have to fight secret agents and assassins. A captivating winner actioner that should not be missed.

 

And now, let’s switch our focus towards some recent series…

 

Penny Dreadful: City of Angels (2020)

Homicide detectives Tiago Vega (Daniel Zovatto) and Lewis Michener (Nathan Lane) investigate a series of murders in the 1st (and sole) season of creator John Logan’s Penny Dreadful: City of Angels (2020), which is set (as you might have already guessed) in Los Angeles, and in 1938 in particular, when a mixture of Nazi politics and influence will mix with evil tradition and witchcraft, to an astounding result. Some of it is very stage-like, but strangely the series manages to get away with it successfully.

 

The 1st season of Amazon Prime’s Carnival Row (2019 – present) is set in a 7th Century European Capital, in which the human ruling class co-exists unwillingly with the hordes of the migrating fae, a form of fairies, each with his/her own peculiarities. On this background a series of brutal murders of fae lead investigator Rycroft Philostrate (Orlando Bloom) on the trail of a serial killer in a uniform, but maybe there is more to the case than meets the eye. Featuring stunning production design and very intelligent commentary on migration and racism, this fantasy/horror series is ideal for binging and its mere 8 episodes leave us desiring more.

 

Doctor Who - Season 10 (2005 - present)

The 10th season of Doctor Who (2005 – present) brings us more adventures of the titular alien (returning Peter Capaldi with his rock star qualities). In ‘The Pilot’, the Doctor and Nardole (Matt Lucas) join forces with Bill Potts (Pearl Mackie) in order to fight against a watery alien life form. In ‘Smile’ our protagonists find themselves in a human colony in the future when emoji robots rule; they want you happy and if you don’t comply you might as well die. ‘Thin Ice’ takes the action to 1814 and in River Thames in particular, where people disappear in the frozen setting. ‘Knock Knock’ is an eerie episode about a mysterious house. ‘Oxygen’ is a weak episode about lethal spacesuits, that however proves that Peter Capaldi would be excellent in a David Cronenberg film. Possibly the season’s best episode, ‘Extremis’ finds the Doctor researching an ancient Vatican text that has the power to force who ever reads it to commit suicide. ‘The Pyramid at the End of the World’ may be featuring impressive monsters and – you guessed it! – a pyramid, but it is overall boring; the story continues in ‘The Lie of the Land’. ‘Empress of Mars’ is proving – once again – that a ‘man in a suit’ is better than CGI, but you still can’t do much with it if you haven’t got a decent script. ‘The Eaters of Light’ is mixing Scotland with the Roman Empire, revealing that this is indeed the weakest season of the series. ‘World Enough and Time’ and ‘The Doctor Falls’ feature some creepy imagery and at last some decent antagonists, but the series still feel very tired.

 

Mainstream films are not films at all, let alone auteur works of art, they are merely a committee-made products and deeply undemocratic at that. Whereas many filmmakers have the chance of making a $10 million horror show, pretty much nobody can direct a $200 million superhero crapper. Having said that, I do watch some of those mainstream films from time to time, and I will share with you my thoughts on some recent ones right now …

 

Black Widow (2021) poster

In Marvel’s Black Widow (2021) directed by Cate Shortland, the titular superhero (Scarlett Johansson) travels around the world and searches for her past; she’ll find that and much more, including a large-scale Russian conspiracy (unsurprisingly involving Cuba) and several super-villains. Full of high-end production values, stunts, and CG, this is very enjoyable and quite a bit feminist as well.

 

I don’t like origin stories. I mean, what’s the point in wasting a film’s worth of time for lame introductions and needless character development? All I want to see is maybe a 10-minute introduction on the hero and the villain, and then unleash them and have them kick each other’s butts. Another boring origin story in the seemingly endless array of them in recent Hollywood is Robert Schwentke’s Snake Eyes (2021) which is focusing on the birth of the titular character (Henry Golding) from the G.I. Joe toys. If you are like me – meaning having grown up in the 1980s and spent much of that decade playing with the aforementioned toys – you might find something to like here (as I did), but the film only takes off in the second half where all the action happens.

 

The Suicide Squad (2021)
On the other hand, DC’s The Suicide Squad (2021) featuring a team of misfits and cons turned mercenaries (led by Bloodsport played by Idris Elba, and featuring Harley Quinn played by Margot Robbie) with no other option but to complete a suicide mission – infiltrate the island of Corto Maltese and the ongoing struggle for the power of that country – is basically the best superhero/super-villain movie in history, mainly because it combines the freedom to go as wild as possible (its R-rating allowed that) and hero’s journeys so strong that if it wasn’t for the bloodletting and the beheadings it might as well run for Oscars. All of that thanks to the unparalleled talents of writer/director James Gunn, who is still making Troma movies, albeit for major studios and gazillion-dollar budgets; having Lloyd Kaufman providing a cameo proves that.

 

Presented by Fox Searchlight Pictures, Ready or Not (2019), directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett, is a fun horror/comedy about a gorgeous bride (Samara Weaving) about to join a rich and eccentric family. Since said family is on the board game business, on the wedding night she must play a game; it turns out to be ‘hide and seek’ but it is also revealed that the version they are about to play in the family mansion is quite deadly. Gothic, fun, and entertaining, this comes highly recommended.

 

Prisoners (2013) poster

Denis Villeneuve’s Prisoners (2013) is about two young girls that go missing and the struggles of their parents and the detective assigned to the case to find them, all of them finding themselves in a dark labyrinth that may make them as monstrous as the person/s who kidnapped the kids. Featuring an all-star cast (Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal), this is elevated from the standard police procedure tropes to a crime epic (it is longer than two and a half hours), reminiscent of 1990s genre hits. Bleak and depressing, it had me biting my nails throughout its running time.

 

And finally, I enriched my bookshelf with the following addition…

 

Bleeding Skull! A 1990s Trash-Horror Odyssey (2021, Fantagraphics) by Joseph A. Ziemba, Annie Choi, and Zack Carlson is focusing on SOV trash/horror that went mostly straight-to-VHS, and benefits from the unparalleled passion and talents of its writers, who offer a machine-gun-like approach to sharing their knowledge and views. The book wastes no time with introductions or historical context and goes straight into reviewing more than 200 of these films. Lavishly designed, but the real value here is the text, which is generally better than the movies it tackles.


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September 29, 2021

Lurking Terror (2002) Movie Review

I’ve been going back and forth on whether I wanted to review this movie as, you might guess, I didn’t enjoy it. I’m friends with people who worked on it; I’m familiar with those who wrote/directed it and the…less than stellar behavior they’ve exhibited toward their vendor friends and family in recent years. I, personally, have not been a victim of their, let’s be honest, unethical business practices. But I know quite a few who were.

I only say this because I don’t want anyone reading my review to think that I’ve taken up the flag of war and am ripping the movie because I think these folks are big poopy heads and I don’t like meanies. For any review, whether I know the creators or not, I always give my honest opinions. ABOUT THE MOVIE. If a movie is great, I’ll say so. If it’s a total train wreck, I’ll say that, too, regardless of the creators being total shitbags or Mother Theresa reincarnate.

We good? Good. Let’s get to the review. SPOILERS: More than likely I’ll let a few plot points and spoilers loose in the hopes that will keep anyone from watching the film themselves.

Lurking Terror is a 2002 indie horror about a backwoods family that must sacrifice total strangers to a centuries-old curse on their town of Bridelson and the family line. If they don’t, The Evil will come and destroy them all. And sometimes, when they’ve got more than one person to choose from, they’ll sacrifice one and BBQ the other.

The movie starts with three fugitives on the run from police. Honestly, I don’t remember their names but I want to say they are Reggie, Betty, and Kenny (and if I’m wrong, does it really matter?). Reggie has been shot and they need to find help. After pulling off the road, they stumble through the woods toward a house in the distance. After Kenny is killed by The Evil, the other two hide out in the house and receive help from its owner.

Only he ain’t helping them. He’s leading them into a trap - into the waiting arms, and cage, of the family. Betty will be sacrificed to The Evil and Reggie…well, he’s wounded and won’t make a proper offering. Plus, they haven’t eaten well in too long so he goes on the spit! Unfortunately, before they can enjoy him (blargh), Deputy Laura shows up in her search for the fugitives.

They get the jump on her and lock her up with Betty. But, because BEWBS, the two sons get suckered into her cage where she promptly knocks them out. She and Laura escape in a stolen truck, leaving the family to be taken by The Evil, or even just each other as tempers and fears arise.

But just as you think our two heroines are in the clear, The Evil hitches a ride on their getaway buggy. After Betty slams on the brakes in an attempt to shake it loose, The Evil pops up and snatches Laura from her tentative grasp on freedom and safety.

The closing shot is of “some woman” listening to a news broadcast in her car as the announcer talks about the missing deputy. Just then the car passes the sign to Bridelson where Deputy Laura’s head sits atop a pike.

HOW DOES NO ONE NOTICE THIS??

 

Oy, where to begin? Let me get all the bad out of the way first (believe it or not, there are a couple things I enjoyed while watching).

The acting is absolute trash. Not exactly unexpected though. The original music is amateur. It sounds like any indie horror movie soundtrack with its distortion effects and gruff voicing. Completely generic. Camera/photography is shoddy at best whether for regular shooting or shaking the camera for effect. Editing is terrible and the slo-mo effect was overused and unnecessary (except in one instance which I’ll touch on in a minute). The blood and guts practical effects are...okay.

The sound is uneven. It seemed they only had one or two mics so not every character’s lines could be heard well within the same scene. But at least there wasn’t a lot of disparity between the dialogue and the sound effects. I never felt the need to grab gauze because my ears started bleeding from decibel overload. 

The story is derivative, unoriginal, filled with cliche characters. Way too many exposition dumps, character ramblings, confusing actions, and things that just made no sense. Examples: After taking off her bra to seduce the brothers, does Betty really have time to put it back ON before escaping? I mean, is that a priority here? And how are members of the family confused that The Evil took their “livestock” after they chained it to a tree, like they do with their sacrifices?

By the way, using the word livestock as code for your human BBQ victims…*eye roll*

The Evil itself is confusing. Is it only supposed to attack those from the original bloodlines that incorporated Bridelson or literally anyone on the land, aside from the sacrifices? Because it seemed to do whatever the fuck it wanted. One family character spits out a quick factoid about The Evil not acting normal, which happened once before, but they never expand on that.

With all that said, though, I did find a few things about this flick enjoyable.

Jamie White, who played Deputy Laura, was actually fantastic. Her acting was top notch and she played the only character I gave a damn about. I’m surprised, and a little sad, she didn’t pursue an acting career. Her final scene was the only time the slo-mo effect worked really well as The Evil snatched her up. It’s a great shot.

The daughter of the family pretending to be a captive before her mother scolds her to help the others - I actually laughed out loud at that part.

The Evil creature itself was pretty cool. We never really get a long close look at it during the film but that may have added to its mystique. I have seen a few still images of it and the overall design is great - giant teeth, moss covered body, and long savage claws and teeth make for a creepy creature!

Unfortunately, those few bits are all that’s worthy in this 74-minute pile of hot, steaming garbage. I can’t honestly encourage anyone to watch this just for those few morsels. Avoid this like the clap, people.

1/4 hatchet (out of 5)





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September 16, 2021

Baby Oopsie (2021) Movie review


Okay, you all know how much I love Charles Band, right? I mean, I did watch AND review the entire Puppet Master franchise. Even most of his bad films are still kind of fun, whether he wrote, directed, or produced them. I’m just not sure this flick can be included on that list.

Baby Oopsie is the story of Sybil Pittman, an unfortunate, lonely woman. She lives with an overbearing, garbage of a human being stepmother, Mitzi; two local youths constantly harass her, basically robbing her every chance they get; and works for a boss who could give Bill Lumbergh from Office Space a run for his money.

Though there are a few people who do like her (Earl, the mailman, Ray Ray her best friend, and Kristy, who’s renting a room in Sybil’s home), Sybil really only has one joy in life - her dolls. She loves to restore and collect antique ones, and runs a dedicated video channel/series to her doll work. One day she receives a mysterious package that contains the trashed head of Baby Oopsie (the little bald, nightgown wearing baby doll from Demonic Toys). Immediately, Sybil falls in love and works diligently to restore it.

Unfortunately, she can’t get the mechanical elements to work. Until, one day, she receives ANOTHER mysterious package. This one contains some kind of pentacle charm. Once she puts that in Baby Oopsie’s new body, the doll springs to life.

The next thing we know, Baby Oopsie has taken it upon herself to get revenge for her ‘momma’, Sybil. Once she realizes what’s happening, Sybil tries to warn Ray Ray and Kristy, but they write it off as part of Sybil’s stress and depression. Eventually, Sybil warms up to the idea of getting revenge on the assholes in her life and helps Baby Oopsie out. Until the doll turns its attention to the innocent.

Sybil must do what she can to stop the doll’s murderous rampage. Can she defeat the satanic muppet in time?

 

Let me just say right off the bat, this is not a good film. Honestly, the original Demonic Toys wasn’t all that great, and I’ve never watched the sequels. Just that Puppet Master mashup from 2004. Baby Oopsie (the actual doll) looks awful, its voice is annoying, and all it spouts are bad jokes and ridiculous quips. Most of the characters are just cliche stereotypes, with bad dialogue and lackluster acting. It probably goes without saying all CGI effects are just crap, and it is very obvious we are watching someone running around with a puppet on his/her hand.

Wait, you're gonna put your hand where....HEYYO!


HOWEVER…

I loved the character of Sybil Pittman, played by Libbie Higgins. Sybil is a very sympathetic character, though it does seem her misfortune reaches hyperbolic levels. Even though dolls are not my jam, I can see how much joy Sybil derives from them and how they have become her whole world. She’s written to be the underdog who you want to end up the reigning champion. Libbie did a fantastic job of fully bringing this character to life.

The story itself is well done, despite the cliche dialogue and mostly stereotypical other characters. I won’t give away the big twist at the end but honestly, I didn’t see it coming. When I thought I knew what was what, they threw in another surprise. And the ending was much bleaker than I expected.

Keep an eagle eye out for little Easter eggs from other Charles Band productions throughout the film!

Overall, like I said, not a great movie. But it does have some entertaining elements that make it worth a watch. At least once, anyway.

1.75 hatchets (out of 5)

 




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September 4, 2021

Hollywood’s New Blood (1989) Movie Review

What seems to be happening to me more and more lately is that I’ll come across a flick that I think, at first, will just be a small fluffy piece of crappy entertainment. I’ll watch it; I’ll hate myself for watching; eventually, I’ll move on. Perhaps I might even turn it off because it’s boring beyond belief.

But sometimes these flicks make me pause. I hold my thumb over that “off” button for a long time before I realize I’ve put the remote down and have become fully immersed in the shit show unfolding before me. The only time I pick that fucker back up is to pause said garbage parade when I can’t stop laughing and I’m afraid I’ll miss more terribleness that might keep me entertained.

Hollywood’s New Blood is just such a movie.

(SPOILERS AHOY)

Picture it: 1989, a small troupe of up-and-coming thespians attending an acting seminar out in the woods. A woods that comes with its own tragic backstory – of the Glouster family clan (yes, the entire clan) that was accidentally blown to smithereens on a movie set. Legend says the locals can still see the figures of three Glouster brothers as they roam the woods, looking for the body parts of their clansmen.

Or something like that.

One of the young performers, Bret, grew up nearby. He heard all the stories; he spent his summers on this very lake. And he piecemeals these gory little tidbits over the course of the seminar to his fellow actor wanna-bes and their teacher. Too bad absolutely NO ONE cares because if they did, they might have been able to save themselves from terrible fates at the hands of the vengeful Glouster family ghosts as they exact their revenge.


Sounds good on paper, right? Maybe not that new or exciting but a reasonably entertaining dive into the ghost/revenge/horror trope, right?


If they’d stuck with the ghosts out for revenge idea, that would have been fine. But halfway through the film, Bret tells us oh yeah, three of the brothers – Jeb, Luke, and Neil -  were never found but let’s just count them as dead, okay? Even before that, when we see the three Glousters, they’re hobbled and scarred and still wrapped in bandages. Okay, yes, Jacob Marley looked like that, too, but Charles Dickens this is not.

Pretty much all of the characters are fodder. They aren’t developed enough for us to care about. The viewer wants them to die so they can just STOP BEING TERRIBLE ACTORS. I will give Joe Balogh, who plays Mitch, some props because he was the best actor in the bunch, and his character was the biggest smart ass. That doesn’t mean I was sad to see him die; he just did a decent job with his character before the Glouster boys got him.

The whole movie is filmed on two locations – the cabin and the woods. So there was a lot of repeated usage of the same stills, shadowy action shots, killer cam moving through the woods. I’m sure that was a budgetary choice but it also felt like padding the run time. And I’d wager they REALLY padded the film with the extended grappling scenes between killers and victims, stalking scenarios, and shambling though the woods to their intended destinations.


What if C-A-T really does spell dog?

The sound isn’t the worst I’ve come across. There’s not a huge range of decibels between dialogue and sound effects. But the sound effects themselves…any time we got the killer cam as he moved through the woods, the sound effects were jungle noises. And I’m talking howler monkeys and shit. That was the first time I paused the video. I thought I was hearing it wrong. Noooope. Honest to gods: howler monkeys.

The second time I paused the movie was during the scene where each actor had to find an object in the woods, bring it back to the cabin, and make up a story about it. And Mitch finds some bones and a skull. A mother fucking skull. Fortunately for us, Bret is there to tell us that it’s not an animal. It’s human!

Whoever didn’t already know that is probably too young to be watching this. But thanks for clearing up any confusion none of us were having.

The third time I paused the film was during the climactic fight scene between the last Glouster brother and Bret. At a point earlier in the film, Bret instructs Liz to break up the skull and bones and sharpen them so she can have a weapon. Later, as Bret wrestler with Neil Glouster for FAR TOO LONG, Bret grabs the skull and slams it into Neil’s face, whereby it sticks as Neil screams bloody murder.

I honestly hurt myself laughing so hard at the point, though I will admit that the jawless skull stuck on Neil’s face as he screamed looked pretty fucking creepy.


Resting Bitch Face a Deux

The last bits I’ll harp on come at the end. Once the story is done, we get cut scenes of each character that probably last about 15-20 seconds each. You’d think the filmmakers would use this as a chance to put up titles such as “Bobby Johnston as Bret” or “Lynn Pirtle as Joely”. Nope, just snippets of film while the most terrible, awful, no good, very bad, unbelievably dreadful theme song plays. FOR SEVEN MINUTES AND FIVE SECONDS before we get the ending credits.

Who was in charge here? I demand to see the manager!

Look, I try not to steer people toward unmitigated crap if I can help it. There’s nothing worse than spending 90 minutes watching something that makes you want to question all your life choices leading up to this point in time. However…Hollywood’s New Blood is 77 minutes of accidental hilarity. Yes, at times it’s painful. You may even feel personally attacked. But why not pour a hefty drink, maybe have a little edible (hey – it’s legal here, shut up), and tune into Hollywood’s New Blood? Chances are you’ll hate yourself in the morning but you’ll enjoy the ride before the sun comes up.

Extra: best line of the film come from the character, Donna. “How can I feel scared? There’s nothing dangerous around here.”

You got that right, sweet cheeks. You got that right.

1.5 hatchet (out of 5)


(SORRY - I could not find a trailer posted anywhere for this one) 

 


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September 2, 2021

A Binge too Far #18: Horror Garage


Haunting image from The Wretched (2020)


 

What exactly is ‘fan service’? In recent times I noticed that many film reviewers use the term ‘fan service’ quite liberally. They do so when they review new independent genre films that offer mutilated body parts (i.e. gore) and/or nudity. Usually those films have no budget, no intelligent script or talent to speak of, and they are shot on video in the director’s backyard. Here’s exactly where the term ‘fan service’ is inappropriately used. Is this really what horror movie fans want to see in 2021? Or is this simply an anachronism and a nostalgia tendency that wants to take us back to the video boom era when tits and splatter were good enough entertaining material? I believe that ‘fans’ have stirred away from such material, and now have found shelter in the works of people such as Jason Bloom and Jordan Peele, and to be honest, rightly so. The so called ‘independent’ SOV epics have become more uninteresting with the years and the majority of them quite unwatchable too, forcing ‘fans’ to more innovative ‘thinking man’s’ horror.

 

One thing that played a big role in helping me make this decision was the recent pogrom of Amazon Prime against those backyard horrors, when an infinite number of them was taken down from the website with no explanation given. Although this was unethical business-wise, especially considering that the people that made them were given no opportunity to make an appeal (the decision was final), one has to wonder what streaming service would want such material littering their catalog when they can offer so much quality material instead – and at the same price. For example, Netflix (currently the king of streaming services) rarely offers no-budget horrors and usually acquires hits. I am all about independent film – especially when it comes to my favorite filmic decades, i.e. the 1960s and 1970s – but there is a difference between independent film and amateur film, and the SOV horrors need to take their game to the next level if they desire to be taken seriously again.

 

Reviews

 

Relic

Relic (2020) poster

 

Director Natalie Erika James’ (who also co-penned the screenplay with Christian White) debut feature is about old lady Edna (Robyn Nevin, who works mostly in television), who disappears for a few days. Her daughter Kay (Emily Mortimer) and granddaughter Sam (Bella Heathcote), as well as the local police search for her. When the ‘gran’ (as they call her for short) finally comes back home she appears to slowly descent into dementia.

 

Treating the signs of early dementia and their inevitable progress to becoming lost, this film is treating the disease with the outmost respect as well as its main subject which is an aged human being that needs help. The hardest challenge in such situations is the decision that has to be made on whether the subject is better off in a home or your home; and fear not the main characters here face that as well. However, this is not their only problem, as it quickly becomes apparent that the female-centric family is cursed with personality elements that make for a dysfunctional living as well as many secrets, some of which are never revealed and even more should have been stayed buried.

 

When Edna becomes as needy as a kid, seemingly all she needs is a dance with her granddaughter. This is a very beautiful (and oftentimes cute) film, but it is also a haunting one. The plot structure is typical of the recent ghost story blockbusters, and it is the main reason that the film received favorable mentions from critics and audiences alike. It was nominated for the ‘Best Motion Picture’ Award at the 2020 Sitges – Catalonian International Film Festival. Although it premiered at the 2020 Sundance Film Festival, it went on to gross a mere $1.3 million, making it a case study of a neglected movie that needs to be discovered on V.O.D. Slow burn and atmospheric, the end result is genuinely creepy.

 

Considering that this is a film about three women of different generations grounded mostly in one old dark house and directed by a woman, it was easy to become an art house study of the mannerisms that such a situation would generate, and that is indeed the case mostly in the first and second acts, but in the third act and climax, RELIC becomes an all-out horror epic that will scare your pants off.

 

The Wretched

 

The Wretched (2020) poster

Ben (John-Paul Howard) temporarily moves with his father (television actor Jamison Jones) who goes through a messy divorce. If that’s not enough for their fragile ‘father and son’ relationship, the two of them also have to deal with an old witch (living next door, no less), which we first saw making an appearance in the 1980s.

 

Written and directed by the Pierce brothers this is modern edgy horror at its best and as such it should be cherished. Sure, you’ve seen it all before somewhere (the familiar grotesque imagery that makes horror hounds like us feel at home) but it’s all so well-done here that you won’t mind its lack of originality or some annoying teenage characters that do stupid things such as binge-drinking. As a matter of fact, it’s not what you film – yes, we all have seen a monster dragging someone under the bed – but how you film it, and in that department the film under review works in spades.

 

Premiering at the 2019 Fantasia International Film Festival, this is not exactly neglected in terms of box-office placement, as it topped it for six consequent weeks (something that hadn’t been achieved since a small film called Avatar [2009]), but this should be seen in context as it happened due to the worldwide Covid-19 pandemic and those were very few drive-in theaters, therefore it deserves a place here as it’s now available on V.O.D. and waiting for you to catch it.

 


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