“Based on facts.” Those three words (along with based on a true story) fill me with dread. These days Hollywood takes a lot of liberties with "the truth" in order to sell a film and though the movie I'm reviewing did take place over 30 years ago, I have a feeling La-La- Land was just as guilty then of embellishments as it is now.
That
said, however, the truth of slavery still existing in Africa in the 20th
century was very real. Hell, it exists in the 21st century in many countries
across the globe. What surprised me is that people thought it all went away
after the US Civil War.
Luckily
for him, a fellow Englishman named Brian Walker has all the connections David
will need to find his wife and, hopefully, get her back safely. The first is a
mercenary, an arrogant and slightly racist American who tries to help but only
seems good at grumbling and bitching about the Brits. The second is a man named
Malik. Years earlier his wife and children were kidnapped and sold into slavery
by the same man, Suleiman, who has taken Anansa. He will help David but mainly
just to exact revenge on this slaver who ruined his life.
These two
strangers embark on a journey across the Dark Continent, each with their own
motivations driving them forward. After a stumbling start, and then missing the
slave caravan with Anansa several times, the two men finally catch up with
Suleiman and exact their justice.
Yay! I
mean, yawn. Yawn is what I meant.
I don't
think I can remember watching a more low key revenge film. Ever. The cast was
packed with acting greats: Michael Caine, Rex Harrison, Peter Ustinov, William
Holden, Omar Sharif. But aside from Holden playing the angry American, which
came off more as constipation crankiness, the entire cast could have been doing
an instructional read-through for hanging wallpaper. And despite Beverly
Johnson bragging in the "extras" about Ustinov telling her she had
real talent, she sucked ass as far as I'm concerned. Even the scene where she's
supposed to be drugged was just awful. Don't models have real world experience
with drugs? Or am I being a bitch?
*shrug*
Michael
Caine played David Linderby and a less passionate response to a spouse's
kidnapping would only be possible if he died while filming. Even when his
character FINALLY accepts that slavers were responsible, he strolls about with
that British attitude of, "oh, dear, my poor wife has been kidnapped and
isn't this all such a bother with us being in the desert and all?"
I think
the character of Malik, played by Kebir Bedi, was the most interesting of
everyone. Malik had years to stew over the death of his wife and disappearance
of his children at the hands of Suleiman. So whenever he and Linderby
encountered other slave caravans or slavers, the rage he mostly manages to keep
in check bursts out. I truly pitied the man (and yeah, I cried a little for him,
too).
Another
problem I had with the film was the insertion of what I can only compare to a
Laurel and Hardy routine involving Michael Caine and a camel. Completely
inappropriate and pretty much the only comedic scene in what was supposed to be
a heavy flick. The music didn't fit either. If I'd closed my eyes (and I should
have done that in the first place) I could have sworn I was watching a Bond
film.
So many
other details irked me. Caine, Harrison, and Holden all had the same clothes in
one scene. Was the wardrobe budget blown on flying these people to Israel to
film? Peter Ustinov played Suleiman, the Arab slaver. Um, what? I don't
remember folks from the Middle East having pale skin and blue eyes and shitty
accents. Hiring Beverly Johnson. According to her, she didn't get the role
originally. But her husband at the time did what powerful men do and she got
the job. What the fuck does that mean? Did he pay someone to hire her?
Blackmail them? Have the original chosen actress thrown down a flight of stairs,
what?
People,
there are so many better revenge films out there that will have you sitting on
the edge of your seats, ottomans, Barco loungers, settees, milk crates, and
sitz bones that you can completely skip this one.
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