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April 13, 2011

Six Degrees of Cheese: Worst Sequels Ever Made

Every so often, a movie comes along that catches my interest enough for me to think that it could use a follow-up.Some of these originals didn't need one, and some were expected, but I expected so much more.

American Psycho 2

I get the feeling that the people who wrote this never actually saw the original. The movie starts with Mila Kunis narrating about how she's studying the greatest serial killer of modern times, Patrick Bateman. Did anyone else get that all of his murdering never really happened? Didn't they figure out that it was all a crazy narcissistic dream? Maybe not. Mila Kunis is nice to look at for an hour and a half, and William Shatner is funny as her professor, so even though it's trash, it's watchable trash.

Buy American Psycho 2 on DVD

Clerks II

I, like many nerds of my generation, loved Clerks. I thought it odd that Kevin Smith would make a Clerks II. Didn't it already have a sequel called Mallrats? What about the next three movies that followed? Most of all, I thought Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was a perfect ending to a perfect quintilogy. That's right, I just made that up. Mad props to me. Anyway, I thought Clerks II was sort of a lackluster sort of dingleberry that was left behind. The virgin kid was severely annoying, and I just didn't laugh the whole time.

Buy Clerks II on DVD or Blu-ray

Men in Black II

This has to be the laziest sequel ever made. All you have to do is take the script from the first movie and switch Will Smith's and Tommy Lee Jones' lines and there you have it. So dumb, so lame and ultra lazy. It even involved a tiny universe trapped in a piece of jewelry, just like the first movie.

Buy Men in Black II on DVD

Superman III

Richard Pryor never seemed to have a great film career. He had some movies that I liked, but this was not one of them. This was a terrible follow-up to one of the greatest sequels ever made. The worst scene is at the end, when the villainessgets pulled into the evil computer by wires and is turned into a robot or cyborg or who cares. It sucked, and led to the horrible fourth turd.

Buy Superman III on DVD

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

I loved the first Boondock Saints. After watching Overnight, the documentary about director Troy Duffy, I'm amazed it ever got made. Either way, it became a huge cult hit, so it was no surprise when many of us were excited to hear about a sequel. This straight to video train wreck was one of the worst things I've ever seen. It was disjointed and sloppy, and the story made no sense. Killing off two of the best characters was also a bad idea, though I don't think it will matter. A third movie can't ever happen.

Buy The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day on DVD or Blu-ray

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

I went to a midnight showing of this debacle. I had some hope after The Phantom Menace. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great. I gave it the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to love Episode II, but all I could do was build my anger throughout the more than two hours of bullshit. I have never been more miserable at a movie theater, and I sat through Species 2, which almost made this list. If George Lucas ever thinks about the proposed Episodes VII-IX, we should arrange a Frankenstein-style lynch mob.

Buy Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones on DVD

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