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September 23, 2011

Movie Review: Children of the Corn V and VI (1998, 2001, Blu-ray)

I really, really dig the original The Children of the Corn film (and Stephen King’s story). The latter part of my growing up was in a rural-ish area with large, scary cornfields. Anything can happen in there and if you are unfortunate enough to meet some of the humans that tend these fields you would be scared, too. So, the idea that a vegetable god, at war with Christianity, using children to build a demonic army is cool. The coolness definitely wears thin for the first sequel. Number three is rough… four is rougher. I’m not liking things very much anymore. Suddenly we’re at number five and number six. I don’t even remember these things getting VHS release, but here they sit on Blu-ray. Two ‘movies’ on one disc. Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror from 1998 and Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return from 2001… I have gone to hell. There is actually a rumor that Stephen King was struck by a mini-van in 1999 because of these films. The world may never know.

I don’t know how many people can disappear before the National Guard blows up this stupid town, but a group of older, college-aged kids breakdown, shack up in an abandoned house and get molested by the worshippers of He Who Walks Behind the Rows… our Canola God. In all actuality, this wasn’t a bad little flick. It wasn’t a good little flick, either. For being the fifth sequel in a tired franchise, it held it’s own. The semi-precious gem is notable for an early Eva Mendes appearance. Meow. The truly horrible pile of steaming crap is next. He’s baaack!

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return… I just don’t know what to say. Issac (John Franklin) was that horribly creep kid from the original film. Not Malachi, the redhead (that was Courtney Gaines), but the leader. He looked like Kid Rock’s former sidekick Joe C. You remember! Good. Well, he’s back. Still a ‘little person,’ still creepy but something is off. What is it… I can’t quite place my finger on it. Hmmmm. Oh, yeah. He’s forty years old now and, by my math, he was twenty-five in the original.

Do you remember the first time you say an older Gary Coleman or Emmanuel Lewis and you were like, wow, what the hell happened? Get ready for that for 80 fun-filled minutes. Besides the fact that this entry into the franchise is as inane as can possibly be imagined, you might get some perverted joy watching Isaac act like he’s all grown up. Yeesh. I quit.

As you might expect, the video quality is pretty much at a DVD plus level. The transfer is well done and would look great if the source material weren’t such a pile. Or, it was the utter stupidity of the films that made my eyes blur. Either way, you’re in for a treat.

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