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April 24, 2012

Movie Review: Lady of the Dark: Genesis of the Serpent Vampire (2011)

Directed by Phillip Gardiner
Starring Melanie Denholm

Eve is an ordinary married woman. A happy, spiritual woman who lives an idyllic life. But events take a turn for the worse when she is apparently bitten by a snake while meditating in her yard one night. And its not just a snake, its a vampire snake that bites her.

Its really hard for me to put into words how bad this movie was. The only thing I could compare it to would be getting water-boarded for an hour and fifteen minutes. In fact, I would happily eat a live centipede rather then watch this movie a second time.

Apparently, it is some type of concept film, and who knows, maybe Iam just not hip enough to get what the makers of this movie were trying to get across to the audience. In a nut-shell, here's how it went down through the first 45 minutes: Girl stares into her telephone, “Dear diary, Iam not feeling well.” Cut to a scene of the girl walking around the house ( insert horrible synthesizer music accompanied by a base cello). Girl staring into her laptop, “Dear diary, Iam having horrible nightmares.” Cut to a scene of the girl undressing (insert rock ballad song). Girl staring into the camera, “Iam not sleeping well at all, I wonder whats wrong with me?” Cut to a scene of the girl slowly walking up the stairs ( insert Celtic folk music). Girl is thrashing around in bed having a nightmare, (insert hard rock song). Now simply repeat that sequence, over.....and over.....and over, until you want to shoot yourself in the face with a cannon ball.

The last 25 minutes are not much better. Girl stares into the camera, “I am changing, I am getting hungry.” Cut to a scene of girl sitting in the bathtub, spitting up blood, (insert rock ballad song). Girl has given up talking and simply stares into the camera, blood on her face and now sporting sharp teeth, (gyrating to a hard rock song). Cut to a couple more scenes where the girl had tied up a couple of guys with black hoods over their heads, spewing a monologue on how evil men are and how they have ruined everything they touch (insert more horrible synthesizer music). The End.

98% of the movie is nothing more then the camera following Melanie Denholm around the inside of an unoccupied house, you get to see her sitting in a chair, sitting on a couch, undressing, taking a bath, sleeping in bed, sitting at the table and of coarse staring at the camera. And its all set to the most obnoxious and randomly horrible soundtrack imaginable. The other 2% consists of Denholm in a dominatrix dress standing over some poor bloke in a hood. It was just one of those films that tests your endurance as a movie fan, can you make it to the end without slitting your wrists? My advice is, dont even risk it.

1 out of 10 Reviewed by KennyB

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