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October 2, 2010

Hollywood Roadkill: SNL Movies That Never Happened

Saturday Night Live has produced many movies from their wealth of characters. Some, like The Blues Brothers and Wayne's World, were big hits. Other characters did not fare so well. Pat, Stuart Smalley and the Ladies Man come to mind. We have been threatened with movies from a few other characters, but a handful have been overlooked. Here are a few characters and sketches from the SNL lineup that I think could carry a movie, good or bad.

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Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein

Imagine our three heores in a fish out of water tale. They work in cubicles together in an office building. Mayhem ensues as the complications of the coffee maker, fax machine and Internet make Frankenstein mad. While Phil Hartman is no longer with us, Darrell Hammond might be able to slide right into the role. Grunts and grumbles would be too hard to type out in the screenplay, so this might never get off the ground.

The Lounge Singer

Bill Murray stars as the crazy lounge singer that inserts pop culture into common songs. This wacky not-so-great singer would work different lounges throughout the seventies while working through his personal issues, eventually finding love and happiness. Sounds good to some degree, but since Adam Sandler already made this movie and set it in the 1980s, we probably won't see this any time soon.

I'm Chillin'

Just think about two hip hop buddies hanging in their L.A. apartment dressed head to toe in Raiders gear. They embark on all kinds of topical adventures that I'm sure would have a lightwieght thug-esque feel to them. In the end we'd wrap it up tight like a newscast and even include the mother joke of the day. I feel like Jamie Kennedy already did this, plus, even though Kevin James is apparently the defacto Chris Farley, it wouldn't work too well without the big man in the co-starring role.


Even thought Chris Kattan tends to annoy the shit out of me, he has had a good run on The Middle, and I will admit to laughing at two of his original SNL characters. Consider a man who is so famous that everyone wants him. Men, other men, and even more men are unable to resist his feminine wiles. As Hollywood comes calling for Mango, he must fight his urges for marathon shoe shopping and going out on man dates with all of the celebrity elite. All the while he must maintain his heterosexuality and refuse the loving caress of Christopher Walken. Might work to some degree, but seeing Chris Kattan without his shirt for more than five minutes at a time might induce nausea.

Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute

I can think of no better SNL character to bring to the big screen than Fred Garvin. His charm, his wit, his horn-rimmed glasses. He has the good looks of a playground pedophile and the sexual appeal of a dying turtle. Imagine the type of lady that would go for Fred. She'd have to be enormous, have Tourette's or maybe have a dick for a nose. Imagine that! Oh, but sadly Rob Schneider already mined this well twice, so Fred Garvin will probably never be. Add to it that Dan Akroyd is too busy chasing aliens and distilling his own vodka to even bother with such things. Too bad he wasn't that busy when he came back for The Coneheads.

So much for those long lost characters making a comebak. I guess we'll just have to cross our fingers and wait for them in reruns.

1 comment:

  1. I would so watch either a Fred Garvin or a Mango movie. Especially if Christopher Walken is involved. Fun work Kevin!