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October 31, 2010

Hollywood Roadkill: Monster Mashups

In recent years, the horror movie industry has run out of ideas. We're seeing remakes of classic franchises, endless sequels and possibly the worst atrocity of all: the crossover. Alien vs. Predator was shot poorly and made a good guy out of the Predator. Jason vs. Freddy was long awaited and extremely disappointing. The Wolfman met Frankenstein's monster, King Kong faced Godzilla and Mel Brooks met Dracula. All hard to swallow.

These are a few crossovers that thankfully never made it to the big screen.

Problem Child's Play

On Christmas morning, little Junior gets a brand new Good Guy doll named Chucky, and it isn't quite what he was expecting. When Chucky starts into his usual mayhem and attempts to possess Junior's body, he realizes that he's up against something inhuman. In a near fight to the death, Chucky teams up with Junior's foster parents in order to send the demon child to the hell from whence he came. Sorry, I just wanted to say whence.

The Shining Time Station

When Jack is hired to be the custodian of the Shining Time Station, it seems like a dream job. After a few short days, Jack starts hearing voices, and he thinks the trains are talking to him. Jack begins to communicate with a little blue tank engine named Thomas, who convinces him to kill his family. Jack obeys, and the horror finally ends when Percy, another small engine, mashes Jack to death with his cow catcher.

The Toxic Avengers

When Captain America, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, Antman and Nick Fury have to battle a renegade band of porn stars zombified by a new venereal disease and led by Ron Jeremy, they realize that they are no match for the loads of toxic bile and jizz that comes flying their way. In a search for a hero that can face the lethal waste, Nick Fury comes across our old pal Toxie and asks him to join the legendary super group. Armed with his mop and his tutu, Toxie and friends defeat the spooge-crazy undead.

Blacula Meets the Blue Collar Comedy Tour

In the tradition of the old Three Stooges and Abbott and Costello movie crossovers, hilarity ensues as our favorite hillbilly comedians match wits with our favorite black Drac. Larry the Cable Guy accidentally farts on a mummy's tomb, releasing the evil spirits inside and awakening the baddest vampire of all time. Wacky chases and silly situations come one after another. Thankfully, Bill Engvall is tragically killed, giving us the funniest moment both in the film and in his career.

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