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October 5, 2010

Hollywood Roadkill: Star Wars: The Lost Episodes

by David Hayes and Kevin Moyers

Long before we were punished with the world's worst prequel trilogy, rumors led us to believe that George Lucas was planning on making nine Star Wars films. Many assumed that since the first six episodes were made that numbers seven through nine would close out the series. We were all wrong. What follows are the three sequels that will never be filmed.

Episode VII: A Wookie Home Companion

After the downtime that Chewbacca suffered through post-Return of the Jedi, he sought out future reality show guru, Mark Burnett, and put together a pilot for a Do It Yourself-type of show. Way ahead of his time, Chewbacca patterned his show, A Wookie Home Companion, after the highly-successful PBS outing, Old Yankee Workshop, fronted by the perennially flannel-clad, Jewish cobbler Norm Abrams. Although Chewbacca was very skilled, mostly from impromptu repairs on the Millenium Falcon, test audiences reacted poorly to his on-air persona. Each of the audience members felt that the information and handyman knowledge they received from Chewbacca was priceless, his constant howling and poor sportsmanship with guests. Court cases began to pile up as dismembered specialty workers, like Leon the Spanish Tile guy, sued for punitive damages after having his arms ripped off by the Home Companion's host. Apparently, he did not let the Wookie win. Rumor has it that Chewbacca only took the role in the disastrous third Star Wars prequel in order to pay the legal fees.

Episode VIII: Obi GYN

After the rise of the Empire, Jedis were hunted down and killed. One of the few survivors, Obi-Wan Kenobi, fled to Tatooine to make a new life for himself. Using his Jedi mind tricks, Obi-Wan, now known as Ben, breezed through medical school with a specialty in obstetrics. For many years, Ben served the community and delivered babies from various species. After barely surviving a brutal Rancor birth, Ben was severely injured and developed a Vicodin habit. Kenobi was soon outed as both a Jedi and a junkie and was forced to leave his medical practice behind.

Episode IX: Space Pimp

Billy Dee Williams, together with Richard Roundtree, bring you the only blaxploitation team up in history! Hold on to your Colt 45 'cause Lando Calrissian and Shaft team up in Space Pimp! When Shaft's lady friend, Glory Ho, is anted up and lost in a card game, he had no idea she was being taken by an advanced alien race. Hijacking the Space Shuttle, Shaft can only pursue the evil aliens so far. While stranded in space, Shaft activates his mystical Star Brother alarm signal and is rescued by Lando Calrissian, fellow bad ass. Lando has a bone to pick with the aliens as well since he's been losing a ton of money in Cloud City because they've been snatching his hoes, too! What could any alien race do when faced with the combined sexual magnetism of Shaft and Lando? Nothin', turkey!

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