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December 9, 2016

Movie Review: The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Day three of the David Hayes Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza and we’re cooking with gas! Hopefully someone leaves the burner on and lights a smoke so I can blow the hell up and not watch anymore of this garbage.

On the third day of Christmas the Head Cheese gave to me three ghostly visits that caused me, within my pants, to pee.

Last night I was visited by three ghosts. The first was the Ghost of Jedi Past and he showed me the glory of the original Star Wars trilogy and I marveled, like in my youth, to the adventures of Luke and Leia and that weird incestuous thing they had going on. Then, merely an hour later, I was visited by the Ghost of Jedi Present and he showed me the horrible, computer-generated filth that passed for films as George Lucas perverted his legacy, ably aided by Jake Lloyd, with the ‘new’ trilogy. As I lay awake in bed, shuddering from fright with the voice of Jar Jar shrilly echoing in my head, another ghost entered my bed chamber. Hunkering below the covers, only peeking out of cat-killing curiosity, I noticed that this ghost was smaller than the rest. And it limped. This ghost also had a hunchback and a wheezing cough that punctuated each step. Unafraid of this new ghost, I threw off my blanket and confronted it. This… thing announced itself to be The Ghost of Jedi A Little After Past. I laughed, mocking it and calling it Quasi-Ghosto. As the retarded little thing grabbed my hand, though, my laughter turned into a scream. You see, gentle reader, this malformed, raised in a basement, step-child of a ghost was taking me on the scariest adventure yet. It took me to The Star Wars Holiday Special.

If you are not familiar with The Star Wars Holiday Special you should feel lucky. When people talk about not being able to take their eyes off of a horrendous car wreck, they are talking about this film. Originally broadcast once in 1978, and never again, TSWHS is a case study on why drugs should never, ever be allowed on a film set. It is also a case study on why Bea Arthur should never sing, why English is so very important to the American television viewer and why Wookie porn never caught on.

At this point I suppose I should tell you what the film was about. I’ll do my best, because I’m not really sure. This is 1978, remember, so everything on television was a variety show. Here goes: On the Wookie home planet of Kashyyk, Chewbacca’s wife, Mala, is making food for the big Wookie holiday known as Life Day. Chewie’s kid, Numbnuts (at least that’s what I’m calling him) is introduced as well as Chewie’s Dad, Grumpnuts (again, my name). All of them speak in Wook-ese to each other and we don’t have the first bits of English until Harvey Korman is on a cooking show. If you don’t know who Harvey Korman is, then you are young and happy. Back to our story. The Empire is on the planet and Darth Vader (using clips from A New Hope) orders Stormtroopers to check every home and find Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the ‘droids. Well, Mala calls Luke and R2-D2 to ask about Han’s whereabouts. He doesn’t know, but said they left a little while ago. Ok, Harvey Korman, in a dual role, gives up Chewie’s location, but he is out, so the Stormtroopers confront his family. Numbnuts runs upstairs, Mala is in a panic and Grumpnuts does something weird. Han and Chewie arrive and throw the Stormtrooper to the ground, killing him. Han leaves. So far, we are four members of the original cast in and they all look stoned out of their gourds! Grumpnuts watches disco legend Diahann Caroll sing in some sort of fetish, Wookie porno. We cut to the cantina in Tatooine that is being run by Bea Arthur (of Golden Girls fame). She sings a tune to the Cantina Music, I retch, and we’re back with the furry Brady Bunch.

Now, if you’ve suffered this long through the film you will be rewarded with… the first appearance of Boba Fett (before the re-issue debacle in 1997)! Numbnuts watches a pretty cool animated film with Luke and Han and Boba. End cool stuff interlude.

I don’t think I can get through the rest of this. In summation, Jefferson Starship and a mini-holographic acrobat troop perform, the Wookies get their Life Day celebration featuring all of our main cast (the aforementioned Luke, Han, Chewie and Leia, now). Best of all… BEST OF ALL… Carrie Fisher takes the main theme music of A New Hope and sings to it. Some douchetard wrote lyrics to the music about the Wookie Life Day and Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia, sings it to close the show. She warbles away like she is on the tail end of a three-day coke bender and it ends. Thankfully, it ends.

Rumor has it that George Lucas is pretty upset, still, about this little fiasco. Good, he deserves it. I’m still pretty upset about Phantom Menace, but you don’t see me throwing a hissy fit. May The Star Wars Holiday Special be with you, Georgie, like herpes.

1 comment:

  1. Bea Arthur should have sung in everything. Lest we forget the incredible "Do the Urkel."