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May 9, 2018

Movie Review: Terrifier (2016; Epic Pictures/Dread Central)

 …man, for the life of this reviewer…can’t understand what it is about clowns of late, that get the average folks out there, so damned riled up, unnerved and chilled to the bone. Really…just because a wayward, pasty-faced clown with crusty-stained dental work, bent into an evilly gleeful grimace, and carrying a loaded lawn-sized trash bag, loaded with gawd-knows-what, stands & stares intently and motionless on the corner…street light flicker, barely illuminating his ghastly visage…doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s about to get…er, naughty

…just because our hapless and merry fellow, decked out and dressed in oversized mud-crusted shoes, a saggy, jester-like & color-contrasting get-up, and a teeny-tiny black Oliver Hardy bowler hat, steps in, sits down across…speechlessly staring, and smiling with glistening, blackened lips…then without warning, reaches over, grabs your hand, and places a costume vending machine ring on your ring finger, as if to propose…doesn’t exactly make him an unnerving, smiley pervert…

May 4, 2018

Movie Review: Ramen Heads (2017; Netzgen Productions)

…yeah, I know what y’all are probably thinking. “Ramen?? Really!! A movie about ramen??” From a ‘domestic shores’ point of view…yeah, one might suppose that the subject of ramen…for most herein, an ‘instant’ vision of one’s grocery store isle, packed and stacked with ordinary ‘three, sometimes four for a dollar’ packaged instant soup noodles, each accompanied by a foil packet of heavily salted flavor powder, comes to mind (…and oh, how the respected nutritionist soothsayers just love to emote finger-shaking ‘shame-shame’ verbiage of dissuasion, as far as the gross dietary detriment of consuming this simple, albeit wholly processed food staple)…might seem merely that…'simple', by definition…

…OK, fair enough, right??

…with right hand raised in absolute swear-mode…left hand on the heart…yes, this reviewer shamelessly, yes proudly proclaims and admits…at least, from a urban ‘big city white boy’ perspective…”I am a Ramen Head!!” Been known to throw caution to the wind…boil up two, even three of those square-ish packages at a time…liberally seasoning those bad boys up, and slurping those puppies down like a human Hoover (…and ‘slurping’ is most assuredly the mindfully prerequisite and applicable term when eating ramen, as will be reiterated later). Given a little more creative motivation, present company even goes so far as deliciously supplementing the noodles with chicken, pork, egg, cabbage, cilantro, parsley, onion, bean sprouts, bamboo, or whatever might trip my (amateur culinary) tibia at the time…

May 3, 2018

Movie Review: Almost Invisible (2010)

I actually wanted to watch this instead of a mainstream, higher-produced, higher-budgeted film with A-list actors. What is wrong with me? CINEMA HEAD CHEESE HAS RUINED ME!!

Anyway… My next review is of yet another Chemical Burn film called Almost Invisible. It’s the deep and complex story of a group of young adults on a meaningful journey to find merriment. Also known as a bunch of dude-bros and their hos looking for someone’s house they can trash during a party.

Cue April, the not-important-enough Goth co-ed until she offers up her parent’s house for such a gathering. They’re out of town, you see, so you guys can party hearty there. Devin, the main douche bag, accepts, though no one else seemed too keen on the idea. But whatevs. We do whatever the King Douche says because, not-so-secretly, we are all douches, too.