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June 4, 2016

Best MST3K Episodes to Fall Asleep To

by Andy Ladewski

Welcome o' Tims of the Internet! Many of you don't know this about me, but I have problems sleeping. Since the advent of the streaming TV service I have been experimenting with different television programs and movies to find the perfect ones to fall asleep to. First off let me introduce you to the sleep gradient.

Sleep GradientAs you can see the sleep gradient shows "Too interesting" on one side and "Too boring" on the other with the sweet spot just right of center. Here is my reasoning. If the program is too interesting you want to stay awake to watch it, completely defeating the purpose of watching to begin with. If the program is too boring you will tune it out and think about all the various things in the real world that keep you awake at night. So the sweet spot is just interesting enough to make you forget your problems, and just boring enough to slowly lull you into a comfortable sleep. Mystery Science Theater 3000 or MST3K was a show in the late 80s and most of the 90s where a guy (Joel or Mike) Watched bad movies with a couple of puppet robots making wiseass remarks all throughout. Because they got some of the worst films in cinema history, its a great program to probe for the perfect falling asleep program! One thing to note, I like the Mike Nelson episodes of MST3K better than the Joel episodes. I haven't watched all the Joel episodes yet and this will most likely be another list. I just watched "Manos: The Hands of Fate" yesterday, It will most likely make the top 5!  

#5: Prince of Space

PrinceofSpace Prince of space is a brainless space romp created in the land of the rising sun. The plot centers around two forgettable little kids and their older friend who is secretly Prince of Space. Oh shit, um uh Spoilers! Prince of space himself looks a bit likea turtle, his powers include being invulnerable to enemy weapons and owning a ship that is powered by a rotary nose hair trimmer. His enemy Krankor and his people look a bit like chickens with silly putty prosthetic noses. There is very little tension in this as Prince of Space continually reminds Krankor and his men that "Your weapons have no effect on me" This doesn't stop the Krankor from trying exceeding larger weapons on him including the Lemon Zester of death. All and all a strong candidate for a sleep show. Prince of Space can be seen here!


#4: Puma Man

THE-PUMA-MANPuma Man is a VERY cheap superman knock off from the very early 80s. It has all the things you want from a superhero origin story: Aliens, Legends, Magic, Bad bluescreen flying effects, and a Mayan guy who is a more fit hero than Pumaman Himself. To break it down really quickly, some evil asshole finds this mystical Mayan mask that gives him the power to hypnotize people. Legend tells that a Pumaman will arrive on the scene to defeat him as pre-told by a talking alien spaceball that looks like the torture droid from a new hope. The Mayan guy is on a quest to find the Pumaman his brilliant plan involves throwing motherfuckers out of tall buildings to see if they survive the fall. Surely there is a less murdery way to accomplish this feat? Anyhow, Pumaman is an average guy who wastes no time using his powers to pick up chicks. The characters are as memorable as the 15th episode of family guy you ever subjected yourself to. Its great for easing into a restorative sleep.

puma man


#3: The Final Sacrifice

vlcsnap-02225During the episode Pearl calls The Final Sacrifice the worst ever to come out of Canada. It is important to note that this episode aired nearly 2 decades before the existence of Justin Bieber. The movie centers around the adventures of a strangely toothed boy on a search for his father with the stupidly named Zap Rowsdower, who is a bit like a Canadian Bruce Willis. Assuming Bruce Willis picked up alcoholism and lived under a bridge for a decade. Rowsdower's powers include shitty car whispering (tm), Shit-Fu (tm), Strenuous movement, and of course setting down a gun when you should keep holding that shit. Rowsdower and Zipperteeth face off against a strange cult led by a weird guy in a trench coat, exploring ancient Canadian ruins in search of treasure. The Final Sacrifice can be seen here!


#2: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

Overdrawn1 This PBS produced abomination stars the late Raul Julia (Gomez Adams) as the computer programmer Aram Fingal is on punishment by the dystopian corpro-government for "Scrolling up Cinemas" AKA Streaming Casablanca over his work computer. I would say that this is a Cyber-Thriller but the computer terms are completely nonsensical and the word thriller would be very inaccurate description for the happenings of this picture. Now lemme say here, I know a few things about computers and the Internets and the series of tubes driven by a hamster running in a wheel that is located 50 miles below the ocean that runs the whole thing... And I have no idea what is going on in this movie. Here's what I have been able to figure out. Fingal has to spend time in a monkey simulator program as punishment for watching movies at work. Somehow while he is in the system he gains control and exits the simulation making his own based on the movie Casablanca. Meanwhile Fingal's body is lost and with the threat of being lost forever inspires him to further imbed himself into the system. There is a big fat guy who is out to stop Fingal and a woman on the outside who is trying to help him. Eventually Fingal becomes one with the system stating "I am Interfaced!" which I'm guessing means he am become death windows 3.1 as the special effects look like they were done in MsPaint. You will find yourself scratching your head more than anything else. Eventually this film will confuse you into a deep sleep. Overdrawn at the Memory Bank can be seen here!

#1: Time Chasers

Time chasers appears to be a Vermont based Passion project about time travel and Cessnas and Commodore 64s. There are no notable actors in this, as a matter of fact the best chance you have of seeing someone you recognize on the screen is to catch a glimpse of your own face on the screen after turning it off. Physics teacher and amateur pilot Nick Miller is our mullet clad, asschinned, planet friendly protagonist who has invented the lamest time machine in cinematic history. He lies to the local evil corporation and the local newspaper to get people to check out his "Time Transport" (I'm guessing someone has trademarked the term time machine and this movie didn't have the budget to lease it.)After showing off his Amiga driven creation he signs a contract with local evil corporation GenCorp.

hero Obvious bad guy is obvious as seen when Nick returns to the future to see it in a fuckmess of low budget car-less mad max future. Nick returns to the present to try and reason with the GenCorp CEO who doesn't seem to care. For some reason Nick is surprised by this and decides to return to the past to stop himself from notifying GenCorp. Things happen, (are you getting sleepy yet?) there's a revolutionary war re-enactment, and finally our hero triumphs. Nick is so bland he makes plain yogurt seem too spicy. The characters are as memorable as the first time you saw your left foot. That's Why this is number one on the list! Time Chasers can be seen here!

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