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June 23, 2010

Movie Review: Abe's Tomb (2006)

Review by David Hayes

89 min. - Horror (2006)

From the onset we're in a world of hurt. A serious, micro-budget world of hurt. From the very first frame, reading Abe's Tomb: The Movie (seriously, the viewer has to physically put the DVD in the player and sit down and still they felt the need to add 'The Movie'). Apparently, from the voice over in the beginning, the world has been overrun by vampires and it started in Moore 's Lake (the desolate, post-apocalyptic town consists of only a semi-empty alley). I'm not quite sure what state Moore's Lake is in, but wherever it is, they don't have anyone that can work a camera there... at least without kicking the tripod from time to time, or stop pointing the camera directly into the sun or keep it in focus.

So, before the vampire plague got out of control, the town cop convinces the town reporter to ask the town ghoul, Abe, to help them with their vampire problem. Of course, we don't see the vampire problem, it is told to us, in voice over, by the owner of the ice cream shop. There is also a team of vampire hunters in town with cool names like Sabre, Raven and Creeper. We still aren't sure why they've arrived in town since the ice cream guys voiceover made no mention of them. Back to Abe. He lives in a cave, is about seven feet tall and consists of a dude in a skeleton mask and a hood.

What is really cool about Abe, is that whenever he speaks, multicolored "cave lights" shine on the skeleton mask. Inexplicably, Abe can do anything and is immortal. He hates the town, for some reason, and refuses to help them fight the vampires. With that said, there is a vampire queen called Vampra that is causing the plague or something like that. Now, in the world of Abe's Tomb, the vampires can function in the daytime. Some filmmakers would consider the change in the vampire mythos an artistic choice. For this particular picture, though, it is the belief of the Schlock 365 staff that these filmmakers just couldn't afford lights (and probably wouldn't know how to use them even if they could). With great cinematic moments like two characters bobbing up and down as if they're walking and throwing a rock at the vampire queen in order to stop her, Abe's Tomb delivers on so many levels. Of course, none of these levels are anything that anyone wants to see. There is, essentially, no blood. Seriously. A vampire film with no blood? We expected there to be no logic as well and were healthily rewarded. How many young, female small town deputies, after slaying a vampire, insist on going swimming in a creek? And she's surprised when other vampires attack? By attack we mean, of course, slowly walk toward the young deputy until she falls down in her bikini. So, the Sheriff's bounty hunter/vampire slayer daughter is taken out and the super cougar, Lt. Marsha, takes up the good fight. Which isn't much of a fight at all. Jeez, the town of Moore 's Lake would have been safe if there was an English language plague since the "stars" of this flick butchered the poor language effectively. Oh, the beauty of Abe's Tomb! From the bizarre video game punch sounds to the fight scenes that look like a Self Defense for Epileptics class, Abe's Tomb is an unheralded disasterpiece!

Best Line: "I'm gonna serve you a wood stake sundae, with a double scoop of whoop ass!" - Ice Cream Guy
Cinema Head Cheese Alternate Title: "Abe's Turd"
Breast-o-meter: 0 Pairs
Gore Score: 1/10