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May 13, 2012

The Movie Burrito: Volume 4 - Cultaminated

by David Hayes

Gigantis:The Fire Monster (1955)

This is the oft-ignored follow up to the original Godzilla! In this piece of foam rubber brilliance, Anguirus (a spiked turtle-type monster handily ripped off by Gamera) fights Godzilla. Tokyo is leveled again. Roll credits and get cracking building the next giant creature.

The Woman Eater (1957)

Follow me here. A mad scientist has a giant carnivorous tree. In order to keep it happy he feeds it slutty half-clothed women. The tree gets so happy it makes a serum that can raise the dead. I have a sin to admit. I really enjoy giant plant movies. That said, The Woman Eater needs help. It’s sad when Ed Wood’s Venus Flytrap does it better. It’s sad that I can say that anything Ed Wood did was better.

The Hideous Sun Demon (1959)

I know that people love this movie. The cautionary tale of a young scientist perverted by his work and transformed into the hideous title creature hits a nerve with many a film fan. There is one problem with it. One problem that wears many hats. That problem is Robert Clarke. Remember, only complete idiots have total control. For example: The Hideous Sun Demon was written, directed, produced and stars Robert Clarke. There has only been one man that has done it right and it nearly killed him. Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane vs. Robert Clarke’s Hideous Sun Demon is a knockout in round one.

The Monster of Piedras Blancas (1959)

The Creature from the Black Lagoon was a BIG hit for Universal in the fifties. So, what’s an aspiring b-movie maker to do? Why, develop a costume so similar to the Creature that people could mistake it for the real thing and go see your movie! Apparently it worked even though no one can pronounce Piedras Blancas.

Delinquent Schoolgirls (1975)

This is probably the greatest premise for a movie since the seminal cult hit Back Woods. Three escaped lunatics go on a molesting rampage and break into a girl’s school to continue their hunt for unwilling sex partners. Unluckily enough for them, they break into a delinquent girl’s school with kung fu and wrestling in the curriculum. Unsubstantiated reports suggest that John Hughes watched this before writing Home Alone.

Pick-Up (1975)

In what could only be called the film version of a bad Haight Ashbury poetry slam, this psychedelic stream of consciousness film doesn’t really tell a tale. Two hitchhikers are picked up and flash their boobies at people. Then they get naked in sacrificial dream sequences. Then a faceless clown appears. Then it ends.

Street Girls (1975)

Sleaze-O-Rama with this entry. Young Angel leaves her country home for the big city and gets hooked on heroin and starts working in a topless bar. Daddy comes looking for her. First he stops at the hippie commune she was living at and meets Sally, Angel’s friend, and her transvestite brother. Daddy gets to the club and reveals fondness for young poontang. Later films like Angel didn’t get nearly as gritty a peek into the underside of professional sex workers like Street Girls did. This is a hidden gem obscured by the glut of crap that was released on video in the 80s.

College Girls (1968)

Directed by the notorious A.C. Stephen (Stephen Apostolof) this is one of those poorly acted, nudity laden Stephen epics. He was the director of many of these films including Suburbia Confidential, The Cocktail Hostesses and more. Marsha Jordan, a Stephen regular, bares it all yet again for the camera. Oddly enough, the real claim to fame of this film is that the incomparable Ed Wood Jr. wrote the sequel, The Class Reunion.

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