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April 28, 2011

Versus: The Golden Girls vs. Sex and the City

Versus is designed to compare two or more similar movies or characters in order to determine who or what is the best version. I break it down by category and score each one on a scale of 1 - 5. The highest total score in the end wins. Even I don't know who will win until it's over. This is my game played by my rules. If you don't like it, tough noogies.

Okay, this might seem like the weirdest edition of this column I'll ever do. It's not my fault. When The Golden Girls was on TV in the mid-eighties, I would watch anything. I really would. Full House, Small Wonder, What's Happening Now. Yes, the version of that show where they were all grown up and Rerun sold used cars. That should prove that I would watch anything. Sex and the City came along many years later, and I heard there were boobies. That was enough for me. Either way, it seems like the latter was a reworked version of the former. It's almost the same show. However you look at it, it's up to me to figure out which was better, so go put on your best pearl necklace and get ready for what might shape up to be my finest moment.

Buy The Golden Girls and Sex and the City on DVD

Longevity and Cult Status

Sex and the City lasted six seasons on HBO. The Golden Girls lasted only one season longer on NBC, but they filmed almost twice as many episodes. It also spawned a spinoff that followed it every week called Empty Nest. Sex and the City successfully went theatrical twice. Fans of both shows are extremely loyal. Women (and I assume gay men) have viewing parties where they dress like Carrie Bradshaw and crew while drinking cosmos. I'd bet most gay guys dress as Samantha, even though they look more like Miranda. Speaking of gay guys... hi, my name is Kevin. Jesus Christ. Okay, well, The Golden Girls has found new generations of fans thanks to heavy rerun rotations, and the fans were so crazy that they made the last surviving cast member, Betty White, the first ever write-in host of Saturday Night Live. That led White to star on a new sitcom. Either way you look at it, these are shows that will both live in cult infamy.

The Golden Girls: 5
Sex and the City: 5

The Fashionable Everywoman
Dorothy Zbornak vs. Carrie Bradshaw

The de facto leaders of their respective groups are both known for a few things: being forever romantically challenged, not letting go of an ex, attention to fashion and stunning good looks. Haha, okay, I was kidding about that last one. I would be disappointed to hear, "Sir, your hooker is here," and have either of these two show up. Looks aside, Carrie was drawn to expensive fashion, while Dorothy could wrap some Goodwill curtains around her Sasquatch-like frame and rock with the best of them. Carrie was a dating columnist who had no idea what she was talking about, but Dorothy was a teacher, and someone might actually learn something from her. Dorothy was also tough, and wasn't going to be messed with, while Carrie was usually a pushover.

Dorothy: 4
Carrie: 3.25

The Know-It-All Mother Type
Sophia Petrillo vs. Miranda Hobbes

These two were the confidants of the groups. I guess that Golden Girls theme song could be taken literally. In the long run, neither got laid very much. Sophia got some here and there and would often reminisce about old lovers. Miranda nailed Blair Underwood and some dorky bartender, which just proves that black guys and nerds will fuck almost anything. I kid, sort of. You know I'm right. Miranda was just plain annoying, and nobody likes a redhead. Sophia had a sense of humor and spun a good nonsensical yarn. Picture it, Sicily, 1937...

Sophia: 4.5
Miranda: 2.5

The Naive Dumbass
Rose Nylund vs. Charlotte York

These two carried on in such a dopey manner that you'd think their characters were actually written for Don Knotts. Rose was from a stupid little Nordic town in Minnesota called St. Olaf, and you would think she was raised without electricity or common sense. She had a deep rage that often popped out and the rest of her time was spent as a vacuous punching bag for the rest of the crew. Charlotte was a hopeless romantic who insisted on seeing the good in people. She was the first place I heard the term "see you next Tuesday" to represent the word cunt. That was funny at first, but now it's obnoxious. Not her fault, but still.

Rose: 4
Charlotte: 4

The Aging Whore
Blanche Devereaux vs. Samantha Jones

What can I say about these two? Between the two of them, they've seen more cock than a fleet of chicken farmers. They both had new men at every turn, and they weren't afraid to talk about it. While Samantha never married, Blanche was a widow making up for lost time. There's really one clear advantage here. Samantha was constantly naked. Not that you wanted to, but you never really even saw Blanche kiss someone. Samantha did it all, and she did it frequently. In this case, the cougar outdoes the sabretooth.

Blanche: 4
Samantha: 5

The Ex That Won't Go Away
Stanley vs. Big

Stanley was a dufus, but he was well meaning. He still tried to do his best for Dorothy at times, especially when it came to their kids. Big was in and out of Carrie's life, and he really didn't ever seem like a good guy.

Stanley: 3.75
Big: 3.5


The Golden Girls is the original girl group show. They fought, they stuck together, they ate cheesecake. They all lived together and took care of each other. They also busted each others' chops constantly. I guess they were like a group of guys in that way. The characters were uniquely defined and had their own personalities.

Total Score: 25.25 out of 30

Sex and the City did plenty to define the consumerist selfish modern woman. Labels matter more than price, and appearance is everything. There was humor, drama and some absurdity in almost every episode. The average person doesn't live like these ladies, but it serves as an escape for many who don't get to live a frivolous lifestyle.

Total Score: 23.25 out of 30

The Winner:
The Golden Girls

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