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July 17, 2012

Movie Review: Planet of the Vampire Women (2011)

Directed by Darin Wood

Starring Liesel Hanson, Jawara Duncan and Stephanie Hyden

Okay, so what do you get when you combine liberal doses of hokey green-screen effects, smokin-hot, tittie-bouncing vampires, low-budget sets, make-up effects straight out of your average Halloween costume shop and monsters that look like they're straight out of a 70's kids tv show? You get Planet of the Vampire Women, a movie so bad, so cheesy and so utterly ridiculous that it's actually pretty damn fun.

The story begins with a group of female space-pirates storming an outer-space casino/whorehouse and making off with some loot. They steal a beat up spaceship and find themselves pursued by a space-cop who's hot on their trail. With the cops closing in, they decide to take shelter on an apparently lifeless moon, and soon after crash landing, the female captain is struck by a mysterious lightening bold, which turns her into a blood-sucking hottie. With their captain on the loose, the girl-pirates are forced to make an alliance with the space-cop in order to hunt her down. Setting off onto the weird and inhospitable moon they soon run into giant insects (suspended by blatantly obvious strings) and monsters that look like a cross between Barney and H.R. Puffinstuff.

After barely escaping the moon being blown to pieces, all involved return to the space casino for a showdown with the vampire queen, Captain Richards (Paquita Estrada) and her growing horde of topless-blood suckers. Chaos ensues and the finale becomes a bloodbath of bouncing boobs and erotic carnage.

I think anyone who considers themselves a true connoisseur of really bad movies would have no choice but to admire this effort by director Darin Wood. With an obviously miniscule budget, he decides he's going to make a space-odyssey. He proves imagination and a sense of humor can turn the lowest of low-budget movies into a fun affair. He's not interested in trying to fool anyone, from the spaceship with the captains chair that is obviously from Ikea, to the pilots wheel which is suspiciously similar to that off of an old Volkswagen Bug. And lets not forget the hoover-bike which is obviously a beat-up old Vespa scooter. The moon sets look like they were stolen from the Land of the Lost TV show, and the monsters.....oh those adorably hilarious monsters.

No one will accuse this movie of skimping on nudity, no one escapes a vampire attack without first having their top ripped off, (pure genius in my humble opinion). Aside from the cop and a bionic sidekick fella, Planet of the Vampire Women is wall to wall babes, and everyone gets naked. Big, big ups on the sexy-fun scale. It makes no fucking sense whatsoever, but that didn't stop me from enjoying it for one second. Its obviously geared towards the male gender, sophomoric humor loving crowd, but I am going to throw my girlfriend under the bus and let you know, she loved the boobs and blood just as much as I did.

People looking for a serious contribution to film-making history will be sorely disappointed in this film, but you know what? Fuck 'em....I'd take this movie over The Hunger Games any day of the week.

7 out of 10

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