Since one of the films I’m covering today is a short, let’s make this a double review, shall we? You’re welcome. Though after reading the second review, you may die a little inside.
The Retirement of Joe Corduroy (2012)
This short film is a nice little slice of revenge exploitation. I’m not saying it’s superior to most that are already out there but only using up 25 minutes AND still getting me to care about the characters is a pretty neat trick.
Joe is a retiring dentist. He’s not all that thrilled at the reality but seems he can’t do much about it. He and his nephew, Spencer, are really close and share a love of guns. I think it’s implied that they share a lot more and have a great relationship but the guns are the main focus here. One night, Spencer is jumped, mugged, beaten, and left for dead. As he lies in a hospital bed, comatose, Joe whispers a promise to him - “They’re all gonna pay.”
And so Joe starts a new job of taking down criminals, vigilante style!
"From Dusk Till Dawn” so far has been an up and down ride. I
think the ambition of the first season was a little questionable. You are
asking people to take a hour and forty minute film, and give them the same
story in 10 hours. The depth and interaction was what kept the first season
from being a miss. Where the first half of the season was pretty much a copy of
the film, the second half of the season went in new directions. Season two was
able to stray from what people knew of “ From Dusk Till Dawn” and started to
carve its own identity. Season Three is by far the best season for this show so
far. Where the first season was a retelling of a film, and the second was a
clear turn from that. This season is a different beast altogether.
I saw this years ago. And if memory serves, it’s just terrible. I don’t know if it was the directing or the writing or some amalgamation of all aspects of putting a film together but the resources (aka actors) were completely wasted.
Let’s see if it still sucks, no pun intended.
Based on the novel by John Steakly, John Carpenter’s Vampires is the story about Jack Crow, a very angry man whose parents were killed by vampires when he was but a wee lad. The Catholic church took him in and raised him to be a vampire slayer, which is a win win for both parties - Jack gets to channel his angsty teenage years into productive use and the church gets someone to help rid the world of evil.
After Jack’s crew is slaughtered by a Master vampire, Cardinal Alba sends Jack on a new mission: to find the Black Cross, an ancient religious relic that was, technically, responsible for the creation of vampires (oops, our bad). Valek, this latest Master, was the subject of a reverse exorcism back in the 1300s that went horribly wrong. Though the ritual was never completed, Valek became the first vampire. If he gets his hands on this Black Cross, he’ll be able to complete the ritual that will allow him and all vampires to walk in the light.
And that would just be awful because only sunlight and a steak through the heart can kill them.
Complicating things, or perhaps helping them out, is a freshly bitten hooker, Katrina. Her short lived telepathic link to the Master will help Jack and his Number Two, Anthony, track Valek down and hopefully stop him before he can get his hands on the cross. Unfortunately, Valek KNEW Jack would track his movements this way because he actually needs Jack for a very specific purpose.
Here we see a drove of Douche Bags in their natural habitat.
You’ll just have to watch and find out what that purpose is, if Jack succeeds in stopping Valek, and the oh so shocking turn of events that puts all their lives in jeopardy.
Yeah, this is just as bad as I remember.
I haven’t read the original novel so I can’t compare it to the film. I like the idea of the band of slayers going around ridding the world of vampires. It’s a bit trite that they’re lead by Jack, whose parents were killed by vampires so he has the whole revenge motive going on. And the group originally starts off like they're special forces or something but it becomes glaringly obvious early on that they aren’t as organized or tough or smart as we’re made to believe.
I mean, they know a Master wouldn’t leave a nest all alone (of which these guys just decimated) but hey, let’s celebrate anyway with a night of drinking and debauchery that would make Nero blush. What could go wrong?
There are a few times where we get the old ‘info dump’. Instead of showing us what’s going on, one or more characters just talk it out: the telepathic link, Jack’s upbringing, the Black Cross, Valek’s beginnings, etc. Very lazy.
I don't always act in crappy films. But when I do, John Carpenter directs them.
A few eye rolling moments: the slayers stay at the Sun God Motel. Really? Jack walks around in sunglasses most of the time, even indoors, and that is supposed to make him look like a hard ass or something. Even when the Master bites the hooker, he goes for her inner thigh so it looks like he’s sucking on a few other things. I know vampirism is basically a metaphor for sexuality but that’s a little bit TOO on the nose, you know what I mean?
Actually, I kinda liked that part.
I did like the idea that the slayers keep a priest in the group at all times. And, anyone who knows me will see this as no surprise, I loved Valek. He was a great vampire. The scene were he and seven other master vamps rise up out of the ground one night is the best part in the movie.
That’s kind of pathetic, now that I’m thinking about it.
Otherwise, this is just a terrible film. Don’t get me wrong. I loved most of the actors in this. James Woods is brilliant in everything else I’ve seen him in. But for some reason, Carpenter just couldn’t direct the actors in any way that made their characters believable or even likable (except Valek - but that has a lot to do with me being in love with vampires).
I can only assume John Carpenter’s name precedes the title because the author didn’t want anyone to think his novel was this shitty.
I’ve actually heard quite a bit about this film, mostly from my male friends. So when it arrived I was rather excited to be able to view it myself! Imagine my disappointment, though, when it turned out to be a bootleg copy that had been edited to all hell so none of the tasty bits were left in. The only way I know that for sure is when I went to find stills to include in this review, there were a SHIT TON of pics of scenes with the same actresses (Soledad Miranda and Ewa Stromberg *rowr*) all naked and awesome but were NOT in the movie I just watched.
*all the pouting*
Vampyros Lesbos begins with a banal voice over about Princess Nadia being locked up by her husband, Prince Oskudar, centuries earlier. When her attendants all begin to die off, and she gets stronger after each one, we realize something is amiss with our beautiful royalty. Then one day she disappears.
Next thing we know, we are in modern times and hear Alice explaining to her therapist about the strange dream she keeps having every night. A woman’s voice calls to her over and over while a strange amalgamation of images flash by: a scorpion, a trapped butterfly, a soaring kite. Though the dream terrifies her, she feels compelled by the voice and longs to find the source.
I’ve been told that Kevin has already reviewed this film. Though I didn’t see if on the archive list, I’ll still assume it’s true. From what was described to me, this movie left quite the sad and sour taste in Kev’s mouth. I, however, enjoyed it more than I anticipated. I mean, come on. The title alone screams steaming pile of shit but I was pleasantly, if only slightly, surprised.
My Stepdad’s a Freakin’ Vampire is about a young lad, Rusty Funkhouse (yeah...), and the typical set up of a shitty relationship between him and his step-dad, Richard, aka Dick. Rusty’s BFF, Travis, also has a dick for a dad so it all works out. Brad, the Frosh, simply wants to be a part of Rusty’s inner circle. I’m not sure why because Rusty is kind of a jack ass.
But it turns out Richard really is a dick. Well, a vampire dick anyway. He kills and turns the local mailman, Chuck, and uses him as ‘muscle’ while Richard searches for an ancient artifact. Naturally, no one believes Rusty’s story about his monster step-dad (despite the blood smears on the attic door - how did the cops miss that?) so it’s up to him, Travis, Brad, and the grizzled janitor, Gert, to find out what the hell Richard is up to and why.
Long story short (too late), we discover Richard is the dethroned king of the vampires and a prop that Rusty’s dad used in his old magic show is the key (literally) to the success of his takeover of the world. He releases a bunch of ancient vampires, Chuck raises some zombie vampires (wha...?), and Rusty’s mom is in big trouble because Richard needs to take a human bride.
I bought this film a few years back at a horror convention because it was from Brain Damage Films. They don’t always deliver great B-movie fare but I was willing to risk $5 on it because I enjoyed Hell’s Highway so much. Little did I know that our own David Hayes was one of the screenwriters. That’s the only good thing about this flick.
Shower of Blood opens with a quick scene of some poor woman being attacked in the woods. Apparently, there has been a series murders in a local forest and she is the latest victim. Cue the opening credits scrolling over a naked woman rubbing blood all over her tithes.
Next we see a group of friends on their way to visit the one girl’s uncle’s house. I don’t know why and I certainly don’t care. But here’s the character breakdown: Lisa (ball-buster) and Kurt (douche nozzle), Heather (virgin) and Terry (moron), and Megan (drunken slut). Lisa’s Uncle Marty, whose house they are traveling to, isn’t home when they arrive but since she’s family she can let them all in to crash and raid the fridge.
Argento... Argento... how the mighty have fallen. I'm kidding, I know Drac 3D has become a running joke ever since the "praying mantis" scene from the first teaser trailer leaked, people joke about this film. Is it a cheese fest? Yes, you bet your ass it but it's also a lot fun. Sure this is pure "cinema head cheese" pardon the plug but you're already reading this, so good for you.
Now we'll get to what the film does right and what it does wrong, this will be a shorter review because it's an easy film to spoil, it really is. Before you watch this film, think of the worst Hammer Horror vampire film, then add buckets of "Mother of tears" style gore and plenty of T&A. Yes Asia Argento is naked a lot in this film. Within the first 10 minutes you see torture, nudity, sex, and major carnage.
"She'll suck more then your blood!" reads the tagline in this little seen Canadian produced porn flick. Let me state up front I'm a sucker for these genre mash-up vintage porno's. The cover promises a lot, does it live up to it? Yeah... it kind of does. But the actual back story to the making of the film is much more interesting.
See this film has always been a sort of myth, not because of it's over the top sexual content (It's tame for retro porn). But it was a rare little title that nobody ever really saw. Sure they knew the name but few ever saw the flick.
The film was financed by a very slick producers basically took advantage of a little tax loophole were after investing in a picture they'd get back anywhere from 40-100% of their investment.
Oh, boy. You know, there's always something suspect about a movie when a list of talented people is attached, yet you never hear of it until the screener shows up on a straight-to DVD/Blu-ray release. Okay, when Val Kilmer is the lead in 2013, you can be suspect, no matter where it shows up. Don't get me wrong, I like the guy in spite of his being the worst Batman that will ever be. (Sorry, Affleck haters, he'll be one of the better choices for the role.) Seeing that Bruce Dern and David Paymer are in the movie is encouraging, though they're hard working actors, and I don't think they turn down much. Not to mention that Dern can be a bit hammy and over the top at times. Elle Fanning is still getting her sea legs behind her sister's fame. The one odd duck on this list is Francis Ford Coppola, who wrote, produced and directed Twixt. He's made some legendary and brilliant films, including The Rainmaker, which I think is one of Matt Damon's best. I'll be honest, I didn't even realize it was his movie until the end credits rolled. This looks like a horror geek's first movie. I'll explain why.
...taking the relatively clever and creative 'good', with the deliciously outrageous 'bad', there's a certain irresistible and alluringly exotic appeal to the eclectic roster of genre films, produced by domestic filmmakers, having chosen the Philippine Islands as their filming locale. Given the sense of mystery, danger and intrigue, which this sometimes unstable location has to offer, it is understandable why, during a certain window of opportunity, spanning a period of time, say from about the early 60's, to the mid '70's, the Philippines seemed perfectly ideal, from an exploitation point of view, for staging and producing some of the most eclectically bizarre cult and genre films, ever set to celluloid, during this time (...a kind understatement, to be sure; for an alternate take on this observation, that's outrageously beyond the fringe, this viewer most assuredly recommends the wildly out-of-control 2010 documentary, "Machete Maidens Unleashed"). Sex-starved prison bound babes. Mighty midget secret agents. Kick-ass kung fu cavaliers. Vivacious vampire vixens. A veritable onslaught of beasts, breasts and blood, as one Joe Bob Briggs once coined. And those monsters...oh yes, those drippy-drip, pasted-on, rubber faced monsters. Even from the very beginning, there was a certain level of outrageousness in these films, which was progressively built upon, eventually culminating in repeated, hapless viewer wide-eyed looks of '...sheesh!! You gotta be friggin' kidding!!' To a degree, such is the case with the first of these films, one of which the fine folks of Vinegar Syndrome have kindly paired up, in their most recent 'Drive-In Double Feature' selection...the exotically film-nourish, albeit tongue-in-cheek horror flick, 1971's "Blood Thirst"...
You know how much I love anthology movies? In case you haven't been paying attention, I adore them. I think it's an MTV short-attention span generational thing. And thanks to David Hayes, I got to watch one to wile away two hours as the subarctic temperatures raged across the Midwest. I'm not saying the flick kept me warm with its awesomeness but it did keep me distracted at least.
Slices is about a man who can't sleep and decides to spend the wee hours of the night watching a Creepshow-esque show on television, Theater of the Macabre, replete with giggling something-wrong-with-that-guy host, Lucius Phibes (sorry, had to do an eye roll at that). And Lucius brings us 5 horrifying tales to help pass the time.
Mario Bava is the king of Italian
horror, plain and simple. Don't get me wrong I am obsessed with
Italian masters of horror. Dario Argento, Lucio Fulchi, Umberto
Lenzi, Sergio Martino, Luigi Cozzi and Pupi Avati all are brilliant
filmmakers. But Bava was special... some may call his films old
fashioned. If by old fashioned you meant classy I'd agree. Bava
single handily created the Giallo genre and at the same time (to me)
did the first true slasher film with Bay of Blood. A film which was
ripped off more times then I can count. Let's just say you wouldn't
have Friday the 13th 1 or 2 without Bay. You wouldn't have
all the great early Giallo's from Argento if it wasn't for The Girl
who knew too much and Blood and Black Lace.
Bava was ahead of his time, other
filmmakers were just playing catch up. He was a man of many talents,
not only an excellent director but a phenomenal cinematographer and
writer. Look at “Hatchet For the Honeymoon” and tell me Brett
Easton Ellis wasn't inspired by it for American Psycho. Bava didn't
always just make horror films. He directed the criminally underrated epic “Hercules: In The Haunted World” and the
Viking epic Erik The Conqueror. He also wasn't afraid to add humor to
his films. His films often were filled with irony and pitch black
humor.
I don’t know exactly when this movie was made. I’m going to say it was about 15 years ago but it was re-released in 2010. Not because it was such a fantastic film but because the audio was completely lost and it was recorded at a live event where an improvcomedy troupe performed voice overs as the film rolled. As I have not seen the original film with its original audio, I can’t honestly say whether or not the MST3K style set up I viewed makes this better or worse. All I know is I did LOL at a lot of the jokes. Also, I can’t say for sure what the original plot was so I’m making some assumptions based on the troupe humor. BUY IT HERE!
Blood Orgy of the Damned starts off sometime in the past, possibly the 1700-1800s. Vampire hunter kills a vampire, who adjusts his wig before he bites it. No pun intended. Bad edit later and another vampire appears before the hunter but he looks like he’s from our time (21st century). He dies, too. So much for time travel.
100 years later (though the opening scene looked more like it was 200-300 years ago) a young girl is leafing through an ancient book. She falls asleep, like you do, and dreams about a vampire staring at her, a la Edward Cullen (I only read the first book, I swear), and then a bunch of hands are feeling up her naked body. For a long time. Seriously, there was an inordinate amount of groping in this scene.
This must have given our gal Friday a great idea because the next thing you know, she and a handful of her friends are lighting candles, getting drunk, and then reading from the book to resurrect an ancient vampire (YOU MUST NOT READ FROM THE BOOK!). They all fall asleep and the women dream about being wrapped in gauzy curtains and more groping.
Autonomy Pictures is proud to announce the multi-territory release of
Chris Alexanders' BLOOD FOR IRINA. This is a first for the
genre-driven company to release a film in the same time frame for North
America, the United Kingdom, France and Poland.
Below is a sneak
peek of the Blu-ray/DVD art which will street May 28, 2013 in North
America. The film will be release on DVD in United Kingdom and France,
May 27, 2013 and will hit digital streaming in Poland on that date as
well. Disc extras will be announced very soon!
2012, USA, RT: 70 min. 1080P HD (Bluray) Anamorphic Widescreen 1.78
Color, English HD 2.0 Stereo, Region ABC (Bluray),
Optional Spanish, French subtitles on Feature only
I've always appreciated Aussie cinema.
Back in the seventies and the eighties they were cranking killer
flicks. Everything from crazy biker flicks like 1974's “Stone” to
more art house classics like “Wake In Fright”. Not to mention the
dozens of great exploitation flicks from Brian Trenchard Smith. They
even tackled the killer beast genre with the stellar “Razorback”.
Of coarse Mad Max is the film that put Aussie cinema on the map.
Sadly by the 90's it seemed like all hope was gone, the big Aussie
cinema boom was over with.
That all changed when Greg Mclean burst
onto the scene with his modern day stalk/slash classic “Wolf
Creek”. It gave Aussie cinema that much needed shot of adrenalin
and since then they've been turning out some fine films. Mclean would
return to the Aussie horror scene in 2007 with the superior killer
croc flick “Rogue”. That same year we were treated to the Aussie
backwoods delight “Storm Warning” directed by Jamie Blanks. In
2009 we got a gory taste at romance gone wrong with “The Loved
Ones” and 2010 we were given a nice double dose of Aussie flicks
with the some man turned beast splatter in Josh Reed's “Primal”.
Not to mention the fantastic western/thriller “Red Hill”. Now we
have the Australian vampire flick “The Caretaker”.
The vampire genre has become tired and boring to me. I just can't get excited about it anymore. I refuse to watch Twilight. I don't like True Blood. Even the original Dracula isn't interesting to me anymore. Within the first ten minutes of Midnight Son, I was happy. This was not the same old vampire story. A young man named Jacob seems to be dealing with medical issues. He has liver issues, can't stop eating and eventually faints at work. We steadily build through his journey in dealing with a change that he can't stop.
Starring Liesel Hanson, Jawara Duncan and Stephanie Hyden
Okay, so what do you get when you combine liberal doses of hokey green-screen effects, smokin-hot, tittie-bouncing vampires, low-budget sets, make-up effects straight out of your average Halloween costume shop and monsters that look like they're straight out of a 70's kids tv show? You get Planet of the Vampire Women, a movie so bad, so cheesy and so utterly ridiculous that it's actually pretty damn fun.
The story begins with a group of female space-pirates storming an outer-space casino/whorehouse and making off with some loot. They steal a beat up spaceship and find themselves pursued by a space-cop who's hot on their trail. With the cops closing in, they decide to take shelter on an apparently lifeless moon, and soon after crash landing, the female captain is struck by a mysterious lightening bold, which turns her into a blood-sucking hottie. With their captain on the loose, the girl-pirates are forced to make an alliance with the space-cop in order to hunt her down. Setting off onto the weird and inhospitable moon they soon run into giant insects (suspended by blatantly obvious strings) and monsters that look like a cross between Barney and H.R. Puffinstuff.
The House of the Devil (Le Manoir de Diable) is considered to be the first horror film ever made. Until the existence of others are verified, though, George Melies' reigns supreme as the very beginning of horror cinema. Melies is a name that film buffs may recognize. He was the pioneering writer/director that tried his hand at all types of films but is most widely known for the first filmed foray into science fiction, A Trip to the Moon. We've all seen the iconic rocket in the eye of the moon-face as representative of early genre film, but, with a little careful investigation, it is Melies' contributions to the art of horror that are truly significant.
Eve is an ordinary married woman. A happy, spiritual woman who lives an idyllic life. But events take a turn for the worse when she is apparently bitten by a snake while meditating in her yard one night. And its not just a snake, its a vampire snake that bites her.
Its really hard for me to put into words how bad this movie was. The only thing I could compare it to would be getting water-boarded for an hour and fifteen minutes. In fact, I would happily eat a live centipede rather then watch this movie a second time.
Apparently, it is some type of concept film, and who knows, maybe Iam just not hip enough to get what the makers of this movie were trying to get across to the audience. In a nut-shell, here's how it went down through the first 45 minutes: Girl stares into her telephone, “Dear diary, Iam not feeling well.” Cut to a scene of the girl walking around the house ( insert horrible synthesizer music accompanied by a base cello). Girl staring into her laptop, “Dear diary, Iam having horrible nightmares.” Cut to a scene of the girl undressing (insert rock ballad song). Girl staring into the camera, “Iam not sleeping well at all, I wonder whats wrong with me?” Cut to a scene of the girl slowly walking up the stairs ( insert Celtic folk music). Girl is thrashing around in bed having a nightmare, (insert hard rock song). Now simply repeat that sequence, over.....and over.....and over, until you want to shoot yourself in the face with a cannon ball.
