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August 16, 2013

Movie Review: Battle Earth (2012, DVD)

Review By: Rob Sibley

Have you ever sat through a movie that's so boring that it makes you want to self harm? Well if you're suicidal then Battle Earth is your ticket to paradise. Just take a look at that cover art... looks fun right? Soldiers, a destroyed city, a helicopter and look an Independence Day style space ship! Oh yeah... besides the soldiers you don't get any space ships or burning city's. What you get is a group of Canadian's playing soldiers in the woods for an hour and a half. It sounds like I'm being harsh but seriously this film is fucking boring. If you looked up boring in the dictionary you'd find this film. Nothing happens until the final ten minutes and when the shit hits the fan... well it's disappointing... much like a Thai massage with no happy ending. No me love you long time here folks. Just blue balls and disappointment all around. Pardon the sexual puns, I had to entertain myself somehow.

Let's get the "Plot" out of the way first right? Sorry I faded away for a bit just thinking how this film felt longer then a fucking Leonard Cohen song.  Confirmation of extraterrestrial life appears on television screens across the world as a massive spacecraft breaks through the atmosphere on a crash course into the Atlantic Ocean. A young paramedic, Greg Baker, signs up to fight for his planet against the invaders. Baker joins Special Forces members as the squad medic as they escort a classified package by chopper over enemy territory. When their chopper is shot down they find themselves surrounded and outnumbered. Desperate to return to his wife's side and haunted by nightmares, Baker find that his role in the war has quickly become much larger than he could have ever imagined. The mysterious package may be the key to turning the tide of the war, and possibly to saving all of humanity, but Baker must decide whether to protect it or sacrifice it to ensure his own survival.

That's a nice title font eh? It tells you the film means business and gives it that hardened "army vibe". Well stylish font choices aside the film doesn't get that much more exciting. I should say the film was originally shot under the title "The Medic". Which fits the film better because well the film is about 98% talking and 2% action. That would be fine if the characters were interesting but what we get is a group a guys who as dull as wood and as intimidating as Amanda Bynes on a bender... sorry she's much more threatening. What about the aliens you ask? Well it's more like "Alien" singular. That's right, apparently the earth is being taken over by a single alien, their are supposed to be more but we only see one.

See the problem with the alien is well it looks like a cheap Cthulhu mask that Lovecraft would spit at. Alright so the filmmakers had their hearts in the right place. The premise pretty much is Platoon meets Battle: L.A. problem is the film isn't nowhere near as entertaining as those two pictures. Basically a CGI chopper full of of soldiers gets shot down. They are carrying a very cheap looking "Package"... what is the package? Well you'll have to watch the film to find out. But let's say you won't care, it's not like the briefcase from Pulp Fiction folks.

I enjoy bad movies but this film has zero redeeming value. Everything from the bad CGI, to the dodgy camera work, to the highschool drama club acting and the laughable script make this a cringe worthy experience. The film wears it's influences on it's sleeves. It wants to be Predator so badly that it hurts, hurts like taking it behind from Ron Jeremy. Also don't you love it when a film starts out with an 8 minute dream sequence, then what about a 10 minute sequence of are "hero" having discussions with his lame girlfriend. Are we supposed to care for this chump? He has the personality and charisma of a sea cucumber.

The DVD is equally tragic, it's presented in what looks like to be a 1.85:1 aspect ratio. The film looks terrible, mainly because a lot of post production color timing has gone on. The pictures contrast is way to high and riddled with compression artifacts.

The 5.1 audio is a joke, the dialog was... well the boom man should be shot let's put it that way. For extra's we get natta.

Well you should skip this film, contracting Ebola would be more fun then this craptastic piece of "cinema". SKIP IT.

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