Movie Review: Zombie Lake (1980)

You know, the French love to act and think they’re above the rest of us. With their snooty cuisine and upscale museums and nudie ‘art’. Well I’m here to tell you they’re just a bunch of big pervs, like the rest of us, because 50% of this film could have been used in my Jr. High sex ed classes. My evidence? I submit to you: Le Lac de Zombie.

Zombie Lake is about a quaint little town in France. I don’t remember the name and honestly, do you really care? A young woman stands in a gazebo, possibly waiting for her lover. More likely just standing in weird postures so the camera can get a great angle of her tits and ass. She decides to go skinny dipping in a lake where a sign is posted with a giant skull and cross bones as a warning of some kind. But what does she care for rules? She eez franch. When she is killed by a one-eyed zombie that rises from the lake, we all point and laugh.

Movie Review: Battle Earth (2012, DVD)

Review By: Rob Sibley

Have you ever sat through a movie that's so boring that it makes you want to self harm? Well if you're suicidal then Battle Earth is your ticket to paradise. Just take a look at that cover art... looks fun right? Soldiers, a destroyed city, a helicopter and look an Independence Day style space ship! Oh yeah... besides the soldiers you don't get any space ships or burning city's. What you get is a group of Canadian's playing soldiers in the woods for an hour and a half. It sounds like I'm being harsh but seriously this film is fucking boring. If you looked up boring in the dictionary you'd find this film. Nothing happens until the final ten minutes and when the shit hits the fan... well it's disappointing... much like a Thai massage with no happy ending. No me love you long time here folks. Just blue balls and disappointment all around. Pardon the sexual puns, I had to entertain myself somehow.

Let's get the "Plot" out of the way first right? Sorry I faded away for a bit just thinking how this film felt longer then a fucking Leonard Cohen song.  Confirmation of extraterrestrial life appears on television screens across the world as a massive spacecraft breaks through the atmosphere on a crash course into the Atlantic Ocean. A young paramedic, Greg Baker, signs up to fight for his planet against the invaders. Baker joins Special Forces members as the squad medic as they escort a classified package by chopper over enemy territory. When their chopper is shot down they find themselves surrounded and outnumbered. Desperate to return to his wife's side and haunted by nightmares, Baker find that his role in the war has quickly become much larger than he could have ever imagined. The mysterious package may be the key to turning the tide of the war, and possibly to saving all of humanity, but Baker must decide whether to protect it or sacrifice it to ensure his own survival.

Movie Review: The Vineyard (1989, New World/Arrow)

...as might be the same to some of you fine genre-loving film freaks out there, this viewer has a good number of movies in his varied andf accumulated collection of films (...mine numbers in the 13,000's, as far as titles; how about yours, eh??), which on a whole, are not particularly great, and yet strangely still keepable in the sense that, in happenstance stumbling upon the odd, misfit of a film, when parousing for something else, one cannot help but irresistibly pull out and blow the dust off the oddball...dimly recalling how unremarkable it was, upon last viewing...and giving it another chance (...I mean, really...it couldn't have been THAT bad, right??)...perhaps even, in watching it in a different light, or a different mood, to find something sorely missed, on previous viewings. In the end, upon final credits roll, self-exclaiming, "...ah, now THAT'S why I found it so unremarkable..", putting it back in it's original, carefully preserved slot on the shelf...and yet, performing this whole ritual again, some months...even years later. Come on, you KNOW you do this, right?? Well, this viewer finds himself many a-time, doing this very thing...and in fact, in being afforded an opportunity to re-examine the rather odd, uneven and waywardly all-over-the-place 1986 horror flick, "The Vineyard", I was prepared and determined to find something in the film, this time around, to relish and embrace...to find that elusive sheen in the turd, so to speak. Uh, what was it, that someone once said about 'famous last words"??...

Movie Review: Things (1989)

Severin Films’ even more eclectic label Intervision has shown some consistency on the unpredictability of their title choices. Case in point, Barry J. Gillis’ and Andrew Jordan's mind-numbingly ridiculuous Things. If you have yet to see Things, it really is kind of crazy and shockingly amusing in a Tommy Wiseau's The Room kind of way. Ironically Severin’s release  of Birdemic has been labeled The Room for the horror crowd. As a big fan of The Room, this little Canadian number feels a lot closer, and just as inept.

Don Drake (Barry J. Gillis) and Fred Horton (Bruce Roach) are a couple of beer chugging hosers hanging out in a house that’s infested with mutated ants that look sort of like the spawn creatures from The Deadly Spawn.  Sounds like a fun creature? Well, after what seems to be an hour of beer drinking, watching TV and putting bugs in each others sandwiches we eventually get to see them. Yes, it's a slow burn, much like the clap. Things can be incredibly tedious at times with so much lame padding, after a while though it grows on you.

Movie Review: Lady of the Dark: Genesis of the Serpent Vampire (2011)

Directed by Phillip Gardiner

Starring Melanie Denholm

Eve is an ordinary married woman. A happy, spiritual woman who lives an idyllic life. But events take a turn for the worse when she is apparently bitten by a snake while meditating in her yard one night. And its not just a snake, its a vampire snake that bites her.

Its really hard for me to put into words how bad this movie was. The only thing I could compare it to would be getting water-boarded for an hour and fifteen minutes. In fact, I would happily eat a live centipede rather then watch this movie a second time.

Apparently, it is some type of concept film, and who knows, maybe Iam just not hip enough to get what the makers of this movie were trying to get across to the audience. In a nut-shell, here's how it went down through the first 45 minutes: Girl stares into her telephone, “Dear diary, Iam not feeling well.” Cut to a scene of the girl walking around the house ( insert horrible synthesizer music accompanied by a base cello). Girl staring into her laptop, “Dear diary, Iam having horrible nightmares.” Cut to a scene of the girl undressing (insert rock ballad song). Girl staring into the camera, “Iam not sleeping well at all, I wonder whats wrong with me?” Cut to a scene of the girl slowly walking up the stairs ( insert Celtic folk music). Girl is thrashing around in bed having a nightmare, (insert hard rock song). Now simply repeat that sequence, over.....and over.....and over, until you want to shoot yourself in the face with a cannon ball.

Movie Review: Peeping Blog (2011)

I have to do this. I know, it's going to be tough, but I have to. I'm officially breaking up with Creep Creepersin movies. We had our fun. Well, we tried to have some fun. I really wanted to root for the guy after I saw He, but I just can't anymore. This will be my final Creep Creepersin review. It's time for me to leave this abusive relationship.

I've seen lazy filmmaking many times, but this is just awful. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING happened in this entire movie. Creep, please stop it. I don't need to watch you drive for twenty minutes. I don't need to watch you cook and eat a Hot Pocket. I don't need to listen to you breathing. You took what movies like Skew do so well and you crapped on it.

I didn't get a full movie, so it doesn't get a full review from me. I even refuse to post an Amazon link, if it even exists. I don't want to be responsible for the sale of even one of these DVDs.

Movie Review: In the Name of the King, A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

Uwe Boll is generally considered the worst mainstream director alive today. From horror movies based on video games (House of the Dead) to ... other horror-type films based on video games (Bloodraine, Postal), Boll shows his ineptitude with not just the camera but with dialog, actors, scripts, and pretty much every other aspect of film. Watching a Boll movie is a gut check for even the most die hard bad film seeker like myself. There is just nothing good this man does to the movie screen, and one wonders why anyone helps him finance his projects.


Buy In the Name of the King - A Dungeon Siege Tale on DVD

However, one has to respect Dr. Boll, for he manages to keep cranking out product year after year with no money from Hollywood and a steady stream of Big Name Actors (although, to be fair, most of them are no longer A-list by the time he gets them - kind of like Ed Wood and Bela Lugosi without the heroin). Which brings us to his 2007 overblown fantasy project "In The Name of the King, a Dungeon Siege Tale", which was based on, you guessed it, a video game.

Movie Review: Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (2006)

This is, by leaps and bounds, the worst movie I have ever seen. I really have no idea how this ended up being streamed on Netflix. In a way, it can give anyone hope of having their movie seen, and that's about all of the positivity I can attach to this shit pile. This movie is porn for the sexually retarded. This is simply a vomit fetish snuff film that true basement dwellers can masturbate to.

Buy Slaughtered Vomit Dolls on DVD



There is a plot synopsis for this thing that I really don't want to call a movie. It says something about a girl selling her soul, or something like that. I don't even care. This is garbage, from start to finish. It has no narrative whatsoever, and it's edited in a way that can cause more nausea than The Blair Witch Project in 3D. I have a feeling that's the point. See, this movie is filled with actual vomiting. There are uncut takes of naked girls ramming their hands down their throats and puking. There is a dopey hillbilly that pukes into a mug, drinks it, and pukes again. All of this is set to a soundtrack of obnoxious pulsating noise.

I don't give a shit if you think I'm giving spoilers away. If you actually care, you're probably already masturbating to the description of this enormous waste of time. The worst part of the entire seventy minutes is the cutting in of segments of home video footage of a girl who is approximately six years old. She should be taken away from her parents for allowing her to be interjected throughout this disgusting mess.