I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With (2006) Movie Review

I have no idea what’s in store for me with that title...

In I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With, our hero, James, is a fatty. Not only that, though. He’s also a fatty actor/comedian. But his life is just not going the way he wants. He’s 39 and living with his mother; his girlfriend just broke up with him; his main job is on a TV show called Smear Job where they prank people with the most NOT FUNNY set ups; his agent dumps him, and then he’s fired from his Second City job.

In between all of this, we meet the quirky cast of characters that make up his friends, the ice cream chick who decides to fuck him because she’s never been with a fat guy then cuts him loose, and actually a decent meet-cute with a woman who could end up being a good match for him. You know, when he’s not making a fool of himself by telling her 5-year old students that he needs to get laid.

Basically this film is one of those dramedy, human character studies about life, love, loss, and maneuvering through the world while finding your place in it.

Folks, there’s only one thing worse than watching crap horror films. And that’s watching Woody Allen wanna-be, pretentious, pseudo-intellectual, ‘look how deep and thought provoking and INTERESTING I am though really I’m trite as fuck’, absolute and total drivel.

Writer, director, and star, Jeff Garlin, has done a shit ton of work. I haven't seen the majority of it but he seems like he’d be funny in real life. The ensemble cast is filled with a ton of actors I recognize: Sarah Silverman, Bonnie Hunt (whom I ADORE), Dan Castellaneta, Tim Kazurinsky, Amy Sedaris, just to name of few. There are a LOT more. Not sure if they all crossed paths at Second City or what but whatever.

Don't you have some paste to eat? Go away now. 

I’m not debating the acting talent or comedic caliber available in this movie. I’m just not sure this ended up being a good vehicle to showcase it. The whole flick felt like the John Candy movie, "Only the Lonely", had a one night stand with Steve Martin’s "LA Story", while Woody Allen psychoanalyzed it all into quick anecdotes, stereotypes, and cliches.

I can’t even begin to tell you how bored I was while watching this. And I hate to admit it, but I would rather watch a Chemical Burn film than this utter bullshit (which is good because I have at least 2 more in my DVD stack to review).

Fuck this movie.

0 hatchets (out of 5)

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Movie Review: 95 Miles to Go (2012)

Take two things I love, comedians and documentaries, and put them together to make me a happy guy. While there are many documentaries about comedians out there with no end in sight, I never get tired of them. They have been about Jerry Seinfeld, Lewis Black, Joan Rivers and the entire Boston comedy scene from the 1980s. While the trend is fairly new, 95 Miles to Go isn't on the bandwagon. In fact, it's actually quite a few years old, and it was made not long after Comedian. It follows Ray Romano and his longtime opener and friend, Tom Caltabiano, on a short tour through the South on a break between seasons of Everybody Loves Raymond, where Caltabiano was also a writer. After a run on HBO and a short break, the doc is finally available on DVD with a ton of extras.

Movie Review: Ralphie May: Too Big to Ignore

I'm not always a fan of reviewing stand-up comedy. I love the medium so much, and it's hard for me to judge a comedian who is as successful as Ralphie May. Most people got to know him from Last Comic Standing, and his career has been growing ever since. While he's not on my list of stand-up favorites, I do always enjoy hearing him on podcasts or radio shows. Because of that, I've seen every one of his specials. Too Big to Ignore is definitely a little different from the others.

Buy Ralphie May: Too Big to Ignore at Amazon.com

Movie Review: I Ain't Scared of You: A Tribute to Bernie Mac (2012)

I am a huge stand-up comedy fan. Hell, I did it for years. 2008 was a tough year for comedy fans. First, we lost George Carlin, arguably the most prolific stand-up in history. Less than two months later, we lost Bernie Mac at the young age of fifty. Not only did we lose a great stand-up, but a great comedic actor. He was the shining light in a few films that would be otherwise unwatchable, and he stood out in great ensemble films such as Life or Ocean's Eleven. With some great stories and insight from family and friends, we get a great look at a great comedian in this touching documentary.

Buy I Ain't Scared of You: A Tribute to Bernie Mac on DVD

Movie Review: Heartbeeps (1981)

I've always had an interest in watching Andy Kaufman's only leading film role. I heard about Heartbeeps here and there, but I never came across it until good old Netflix put it up to stream. I just couldn't believe my luck, so it went right in my queue. On a day in which I already watched two good movies and two bad, it really stunk to tip the scales toward the negative.

Buy Heartbeeps on DVD or Watch it Instantly

Heartbeeps screams 80s comedy from the first moment. The music, the bright colors and the wacky characters are all there. I will say that the robot make-up on Kaufman and Bernadette Peters was well done by Stan Winston. The two are products of a society that relies on robots, which is funny considering our attachment to smartphones and the Internet. They fall in love and decide to explore the outside world with a comedian robot named Catskills. He's loaded with bad jokes, and those seem to be the only jokes in the movie.

Movie Review: American: The Bill Hicks Story (2009)

Few comedians leave their impression on the craft the way Bill Hicks did. He started out like many, sharing observations about his own life, but he ended up deconstructing everything from pop culture to politics with a sharp wit and a vicious tongue. His life was short, but his legacy continues to grow.

Buy American: The Bill Hicks Story [Blu-ray] or DVD

Like many people, I didn't discover Bill Hicks until years after his death. I've been fascinated with him since. I like learning about the lives of comedians. It helps me understand their material in different ways. Hicks started in his early teens as part of a duo. He was always funny, and he really didn't seem to have a fear about speaking his mind.

Movie Review: Lenny Bruce Without Tears (1972)

When you listen to Lenny Bruce today, most of his material doesn't make sense to the average person. It's not because the material is bad. Lenny was just topical, and daily life in the 1960s doesn't ring true to those of us born in the '70s or later. He mentions people in the news, films of the time and experiences that were common at that point in history. One thing that was always true about him was that even when he wasn't funny, he was interesting to listen to.

Buy Lenny Bruce Without Tears on DVD

Though this is billed as a documentary, Without Tears seems more like a compilation of performance clips and a long form interview with a few Behind the Music segments wedged in between. It's interesting to see the uncut segments from The Steve Allen Show, but it just seems like lazy filmmaking. The information about Lenny is interesting, but I could learn all of it in a ten minute conversation. It touches his legal troubles toward the end, but it relies again on a long segment from Lenny's performances. The bad part about it is that it's not in there to pad for time. The whole movie is just over an hour long.

Movie Review: Heavy Times (2010)

Directors: Ryan McKenna and Benjamin Mark
Stars: Jay Brunner, Brian D Evans, Adam Lauver, Keaton Farmer and Jeff Koen

The trailer for Heavy Times is about as blatant a trailer as I've ever seen. What it suggests the film will be is comedian Jeff Koen (I use the description as provided) abusing three professional victims for the entire length of a feature. He stamps his authority over it so emphatically that the rest of the cast appear to be nothing more than background art. I couldn't help but assume the film would be a ninety minute adaptation of a particularly unsubtle stand up routine, though the synopsis did promise an insightful ride for the lead characters through an 'outrageous series of events none of them were prepared for'. Fortunately the actual film transcends the trailer and comes pretty close to living up to the synopsis, partly because Rick, Koen's character, doesn't appear for twenty minutes, thus giving writer/directors Ryan McKenna and Benjamin Mark some time to develop character and direction before he coats their picture in bodily fluids.

Book Review: Last Words by George Carlin and Tony Hendra (2009)

To learn about the life of what many consider to be the greatest stand-up comedian of all time is something that any comedian or comedy fan would drool for. George Carlin was a comedian to some, a prophet to others and the truth to me.When he was presented to me at the age of twelve, my world changed. My thinking was forever altered. No other person has ever effected me so greatly without knowing me personally. I wasn't sure what I was about to read, but I knew some of it could be rough. Truth be told, every entertainer is damaged in some way. Addiction, abuse, absent parents and self-esteem issues are all things that create the "look at me" gene. Carlin had all of these things, and his posthumous memoir shares every detail.

Buy Last Words Hardcover, Paperback, Audiobook or for Kindle