Sleeper Hold!! Available from Splatter Theatre Press!

Professional wrestling can be dangerous. Broken bones, crushed dreams... murder. Twenty years ago, acclaimed writer, David Hayes, told author Jeff Dolniak about a project former professional wrestler Joe Broni wanted to do. This was his story of love, betrayal, and murder. It tells the sordid tale of how an independent wrestling promotion was menaced by a black-gloved killer, hellbent on destroying everyone... except for the popular Tanya the Tyrant. What connected her to the deranged fiend? Find out here, in Sleeper Hold! From the author: "Joe invited me out to his favorite greasy spoon for lunch. I paid. It was ok because it was Joe. We chatted for hours on how we would attack the project. It was surreal. I loved watching Joe as a kid. He lost every match but he still left an indelible mark on young Jeff. As time went on, I found out things about Joe. Things about the business that would forever change how I thought about the circus surrounding the squared circle. Horrors. A darkness that went beyond the sweaty athletes in spandex. Splatter Theatre Press has been brave enough to distribute this book." Featuring contributions by Paul Counelis , Kurt Belcher, Caleb Thusat, and Dalyn Viker. Buy your copy now! https://splattertheatre.com/products/sleeper-hold

Camp Blood Christmas - Movie Review

 

So, when I heard there was a movie that brought David C. Hayes out of (acting) retirement, you bet your SWEET ASS that I was going to see it no matter the cost. Luckily for me, David is my friend, and he obviously considers me the same because he brought me a copy of it, Blu Ray no less, when it became available.

And just in time for Christmas, here is my review of the 2025 film, Camp Blood Christmas.

NOTE: I won’t be spoiling any plot points as this film LITERALLY just came out. People need to experience this film on their own terms.

The basic idea is this: a group of misfits answers a job ad for a new Santa Snow Camp, a winter excursion place for kids to enjoy winter and Santa Clause and all that crap. Aside from the delay of the food and supplies guy, Carl, everything seems to be going swimmingly. But then, Gary, the hired Santa Clause, shares the bloody massacre-prone history of the location of the new camp.

Turns out it was a regular camp at one time until there were a bunch murders committed by the Clown Killer.

Fun fact: the opening credits consist of snippets from many of the previous fourteen Camp Blood movies.

You heard me. FOUR-FUCKING-TEEN. (Depending on who you talk to, it could only be fourteen total films which means snippets from THIR-FUCKING-TEEN films fill the opening credits.)

Anyway, as you might imagine, the reason Carl never showed? Seems the Clown Killer has returned. But what you might not have imagined, is the reason WHY. Whoa, PLOT TWIST! But then you probably didn’t image ANOTHER twist on top of that. It’s like the villain neck-cracking the hero right before he can save the day!

Will anyone survive this rampage? Maybe.

Will this family camp every get off the ground? Probably not.

Will we care?

Now, we all know how indie horror films usually go, don’t we? Low budget, lackluster acting, minimal continuity, terrible editing, bad sound, ridiculous plots and their giant holes, and so on and so forth. And, generally speaking, this is consistent with those issues – except sound. This is probably the first indie film I’ve watched where I didn’t need to keep adjusting the volume throughout the whole fucking thing because the dialogue was too quiet and the effects were too loud.

Good job, guys!

But yet, other than the great sound, this films lacks a lot. Character development is minimal because honestly, I really only cared about the hitch hiking, bearded, gummy dosing happy dude, Eddie (I think that’s him). Everyone else? Eh. A lot of the jokes fell flat; the dialogue felt stilted and unnatural; and way too much time was spent filming David’s butt crack.

HOWEVER…

Quite a few of the jokes landed perfectly. I personally loved the ditzy bombshell taking nudes of “down there” with her landline phone to send to her boyfriend. The story itself is pretty fun. While I will say some of the dialogue actually tells us what’s coming, the reveals and twists felt totally unexpected. The practical effects looked good (way to go, Emily Sammons, for the design on the severed penis). And it was easy to tell everyone who worked on the movie had good chemistry. They put in a lot of effort and while not perfect, it really shows their dedication.

Matt Dilts-Williams did a great job at writing a fun and entertaining story, as well as directing the cast and crew.

So if you’re interested in seeing what’s happening in the indie scene, and wouldn’t mind taking a chance on a humorous holiday horror – and David’s butt crack – get yourself a copy of Camp Blood Christmas. Don’t forget to hang around through the ending credits. That final song is pretty dang catchy.

And have a hell of a happy holiday season!

 

3 hatchets (out of 5) 

 

   

 

 

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Atomic Swan Web Series - RATS (Volume 1 and 2)

 

I think to this point, I’ve reviewed everything available from Atomic Swan. Lots of misses but with the ones that hit, they hit right. So I’m always happy to check out anything Tyler Zickafoose sends my way.

That said, I guess I’m a little confused by this one. It seems they were trying to make a web series but it also incorporated a lot of what felt like the Atomic Swan style for their movies - read: improvisation. I can’t say that it worked really well here.

 

The basic premise is a show about Merle and Wayne, best friends just trying to navigate the ups and downs of life. Losing jobs, absentee parents, toxic relationships, money problems, anger management, getting framed for crimes they didn’t commit, and even death.

That might seem like a lot but there are eight episodes, plus one set-up episode, to contain it all. I’m not going to break down the entire series but let’s cover some highlights, yes?

The first episode introduces us to the main characters, Merle and Wayne, and what’s going on in life for them at the time. Merle lives with his wife and baby boy but he’s out of work and the heat was just shut off at his house, letting us know Merle is struggling financially. Wayne is his best friend and we get more of his story in the 2nd episode, where he is fired from his job as a pizza delivery guy because the boss thinks Wayne is fucking the pizza.

I’m sorry, what?

So the first volume of “Rats” shows us Merle and Wayne and all the zany characters they know or meet along the way.

Volume 2 develops our two main characters more. Wayne meets his long absent father; Wayne also moves out of his mom’s house and in with Merle and his family; the identity of the REAL pizza fucker (spoiler - it wasn’t Wayne) is uncovered so eventually Wayne’s job/financial status improves. But Merle’s life starts to spiral when his wife leaves, taking their baby with her, and moves to Iowa (which is odd since in Volume 1 she said her family is in Calif).

MAJOR SPOILER: the whole series ends with Merle’s death.

 

What the actual fuck???????

While I do have quite a few issues with this series, the fact that I ACTUALLY CRIED twice while watching tells me that at least these guys know how to create characters the viewer can care about. My favorite ones were Merle, the Yoga/Anger Management guy, and Lee Li (played by my fav, Tuan Edwards, who always looks like he’s about to bust up laughing). The two times I cried were first when Merle worried he was turning into his father (i.e., not being a good dad) and second after his wife left him and he broke down. Charles Shaver did a fantastic job in the role.

I did get some honest amusement in this. The Anger Management character stole his scene with Wayne. And when Lee Li sets the alarm on his skateboard, I had to pause the DVD for a minute while I laughed.

That said…two of my biggest pet peeves were the length certain scenes or conversations lasted, and the dialogue improvisation. Every episode had a section, usually involving improvised dialogue, that went on for way too long. Did we really need half an episode taken up by who’s fucking who or how shitty someone is? Does the audience really need to know the deep details of how someone fucks a pizza? Shouldn’t the fighting commenced sooner between the group of guys at the pool hall instead of them talking about absolutely nothing or throwing barbs and insults at each other for fifteen minutes?

Fifteen minutes of nothing is the equivalent of a lifetime in movies and tv.

It’s hard to get invested in a movie or show when even the actors are just making shit up as they go. My instinct is telling me that there were story plot points to cover but how the actors arrived at each one involved so much meandering and repetitive, jungle-thick crap that Crocodile Dundee would have had a hard time finding the point. Please actually write 90% script and let the actors improv the remaining 10%, not the other way around.

EDIT: I just got confirmation from the director that 99% of the entire series was improvised. I feel so big brain right now…

AND WHAT WAS WITH ALL THE YELLING?? I understand sound being unbalanced, or not having access to high-tech microphones so one might need to project a little stronger to make sure the audio records. But gods dammit, folks. I think my neighbors three houses down could hear my tv. With the windows closed! Please stop projecting your dialogue as if you’re trying to talk over the mosh-pitting crowd at a GWAR concert.

All in all, it wasn’t totally bad. Rough around the edges? Yes. Amateur acting? Sure, mostly. Too much improvised dialogue that went on too long to say too little? Absofuckinglutely. Am I mad I watched it? No, not really. I do enjoy most projects that comes out of Atomic Swan. It’s clear the people working on these movies and shorts and everything in between love to make them, they love working with each other, and it shows. And there’s no way you can fault that.

1.5 hatchets (out of 5)

Here's a link to AS You Tube channel. Volume 1 episodes are uploaded there!

 

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PSYCHO APE MOVIE REVIEW

Despite the vitriol I spew in many of my reviews here at CHC, I do actually enjoy watching indie horror films. Sure, there are a lot of shit piles to dig through to find that one perfect undigested kernel of corn. And though that can be exhausting, it makes it worthwhile if I can find a film that’s entertaining and done well, despite budgetary and talent pool limitations.

This is not one of those films.

Psycho Ape is a ridiculous story about an ape wearing tennis shoes that, 25 years ago, escaped from the Detroit Zoo and went on a murderous rampage. For some reason, he homes in on a slumber party of a half a dozen young women and he kills all of them except for Nancy, the ape enthusiast, who faints with delight at the sight of the beast.

The zookeeper/animal psychologist, Dr. Zoomis, who is trying to track down the ape, loses its trail, thus beginning his decades-long obsession with the animal.

25 years later, the ape has been continuing its murderous ways. Even though it has a house and built a good life for itself, it just keeps killing. Eventually, the ape finds the long-disappeared Nancy, and they get along great. In fact, she even encourages the brutal beast to slay people who annoy her.

But don’t worry. Dr. Zoomis catches up to them and captures the ape. After ANOTHER 25 years, the creature escapes AGAIN, hooks up with Nancy, and a final fight up the Empire State Building (a la King Kong) ensues. Dr. Zoomis is thrown off; the ape is thrown off. Nancy survives only to be joined by a somehow no longer dead Dr. Zoomis, and they walk off into the sunset, holding hands.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

FOR.

REAL.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Now, to clarify, this is a comedy/horror. It is meant to be farce, silly, ridiculous, over the top, absurd. I know that because the inconsistencies in story and editing and sound and continuity and quality cannot convince me otherwise. Even one of the beginning title cards says this movie is, “the dumbest, cheapest one of them all.”

And I can appreciate that honesty.

I have to admit that I really did enjoy the kills. Death by banana was a fun gag, though not the only way the psycho ape killed people. The f/x was a mix of absolute shite CGI and practical stuff. They were…meh.

I did chuckle a couple of times but most of the humor was a big miss. Nearly every scene had elements or was in its entirety some kind of parody of a larger, more well-known franchise. After a while, that loses its impact and becomes quite tiresome. And don’t get me started on the ten-minute filler scene of two trick-or-treaters arguing about what the best animated film is, or whatever the FUCK they were talking about, while the crew decides to stop filming and join the conversation.

Like, what the hell was that? I actually tuned out and stopped watching the movie until the scene changed and someone either died or started yelling. I honestly don’t remember.

Open wide for my beautiful banana...

And perhaps the explanation of what characters were doing after the events of the film was meant to be funny, considering most of them died at some point. But it honestly just felt like a cheap cop-out and lazy writing. Though it did open it up for Psycho Ape 2.

WHYYYYY though? Who asked for that??

Anyway, though there was obviously passion and fun built into this movie, I cannot recommend it for any sane person to watch. Even someone like me, who is secretly a twelve-year old boy, can only tolerate so much in one sitting.

.5 hatchet out of 5

 

 

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Christmas Capsule Reviews 2024 - Part III

Well, hot damn, I did it. I set out to write up three lists of capsule reviews of the Christmas horror flicks streaming on the services I can access and here we are on list 3. Now, I didn’t watch EVERY available flick on each platform because, let’s be honest. I don’t have the patience for that shit. Plus I’ve already seen a bunch and didn’t want to revisit them here.

This list includes the movies you can watch on SHUDDER.

Carnage for Christmas 2024 (A transgender holiday film - that was specifically noted on the opening title card so I figured I’d mention it)
A true crime podcaster returns home for Christmas and gets wrapped up in the tale of a historic murderer who may have returned.

Kind of a standard trope of a story line. Nothing innovative. The acting is less than stellar except for the actress playing the podcaster, Lola. A lot of the murders and some flashback scenes are edited with artsy lighting and flashing/color changing lights. Which just infuriates me to no end (if you’re not new here, you should not be surprised but this.) And while the practical blood/gore effects are appreciated, they are terribly cheap and cheesy looking. You’re not missing much if you skip this one.

Christmas Bloody Christmas 2022
A local toy store’s robotic Santa goes haywire and starts killing everyone.

So apparently these Mall Santas are being replaced with robots built with military grade technology. But…why though? That makes no sense. The acting is better than most indie films for sure. And the kills are pretty freaking epic, practical effects and everything. But it does take a while to get there. About 30 minutes before the first kill. Some of the banter between the two main characters drags on too long and then the final boss fight is basically a rip off of The Terminator. This really could have been better as a short film.

It’s a Wonderful Knife 2023
After saving her town from a psycho killer a year earlier, Winnie finds herself in a parallel universe where, without her, things are much worse.

Kind of interesting spin on “It’s a Wonderful Life” story but much darker. High production and better acting in this. A few more recognizable name actors in this, too. I didn’t realize that going in. Justin Long was excellent! Not sure they fully explained how this alternate reality was possible because the whole implied control or something but whatevs, I guess. Or how a character from the alternate reality could remember the alternate reality once back in the regular timeline…again, whatevs. Still pretty enjoyable.

The Christmas Spirit 2023
A man has a the Spirit of Christmas trapped in his head ever since his sister’s death 20 years prior. He must kidnap a teen girl and sacrifice her in order to save Christmas.

I liked the idea of the story even though the execution kinda missed the mark. I fast-forwarded through a lot of this to just get it moving. And the climax was taking WAY to long (amirite, ladies?) But the acting is decent, the practical effects are fun, and it did get me crying at one point. So it must have plucked at least one good heart string.

The other flicks available on Shudder are:

A Creature was Stirring
Rare Exports
“A Ghost Story for Christmas”Looks like a series but not sure if they’re all Christmas related or not
Body
Day of the Beast
The Gingerdead Man
I Trapped the Devil
The Sacrifice Game
Black Christmas (OG)
SNDN 2
Holidays
Apology
A Christmas Horror Story
The Advent Calendar
All The Creatures Were Stirring
Creepshow Holiday Special
Bunch of JoeBob stuff
Deadly Games
Christmas Presence

So there you have it. 2024’s Christmas Horror offerings (on just a few of the streaming services available.) Maybe next year I’ll just pick one service and watch everything there, or just keep doing reviews this way. I guess we’ll find out in 2025.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and happy new year!

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Christmas Capsule Reviews 2024 - Part II

Well, holy shit, I’m actually getting to the second installment of my Christmas Horror movie capsule reviews just a week after my first post. Who fucking knew I could get it together and actually be productive?

Part Two will cover the offerings of Amazon Prime.

Secret Santa 2018
A tense family get together for the Christmas holiday gets ugly. Someone has taken revenge on all the attendees and someone has to figure out what the hell is going on and stop it before they’re all taken down.

While Robert Kurtzman did the practical f/x for this flick (and they were pretty glorious), the blood spray was CGI and awful. The acting was what you might expect (aka not good) and the humor missed more often than hit. Interesting premise but the execution fell short, mostly because every character was a douchebag and we don’t give a shit what happens to them.

The Christmas Carol (narrated by V. Price) 1949
It’s a live action short film of the tale but Price narrates it. FUCKING GENIUS. It’s only 25 minutes, and that include the opening exposition from Price! Nice introduction to the tale if you or someone you know has never heard it or watched any film adaptation of it.

Did I mention Vincent Price? ‘Nuf said.

Christmassacre (2015) (AKA Secret Santa)
College kids throw a Secret Santa holiday party during finals at school. They don’t know a killer is on the loose with a very special list and murderous presents to dole out.

The longer this movie went on, the more I thought that I had already seen it. Possibly at a party a couple years earlier. But that’s ok. I already took notes, so I’ll just tell you what I think.

The practical effects are fun (the eye ball on the drill bit was a particular favorite). I think they put a filter on the film itself because it looked like a dirty print, giving it that 80s feel. The only character I really enjoyed was Dwayne - just a goofy awkward guy. But fun. The kills are good and the killers (SPOILER ALERT) ended up making me laugh. So I was pretty entertained.

Werewolf Santa 2023
Santa is bitten by a werewolf on Christmas Eve. And now internet blogger, Lucy, and her family set out to save Christmas

I mean…I only watched this for an update to a werewolf encyclopedia I’m helping with so do NOT at me.
The best thing about this movie was that JoeBob Briggs does the introduction, in cartoon form no less. But the rest of it feels pretty lackluster. Acting is awful but the British accents are a little difficult for me to understand, mostly because the audio is a bit muffled, and the actress who played Lucy mumbles A LOT. The characters are neither special nor very likable. And the film kept utilizing title cards to tell us what was happening. Not sure if that was a budgetary issues or lack of imagination to show it. Oh well. The practical effects are fun, though.

Santa Jaws 2018
Cody has a special pen that, whatever he draws, becomes real. He draws a Santa Shark that comes to life and starts killing his family and friends.

I really enjoyed the story on this one. Cody is a good character to get behind (you know, for a teenager). All the acting is actually decent, and really just the Mom character is awful enough to hate. The CGI effects are so bad they’re entertaining, and the deaths by Santa Jaws are funny as hell. Overall not a terrible little indie horror.

Let’s Kill Grandpa This Christmas 2017
A down on his luck pushover is lured into a plot to kill his wife’s grandfather on Christmas.

Average indie horror comedy. Lots of tropes and characters. While Gramp’s family wants him dead, I’m not sure why. He’s a hoot. Overall the film was fine, but it was a slog to get through to the end.



ALSO AVAILABLE (probably not a complete list but I got tired of looking):

All Through the House
Jack Frost (not THAT one) (or THAT one)
Holiday Hell
Krampus Origins
Deathcemeber
Mother Krampus
Jack Frost (THAT one)
Secret Santa
Rare Exports
13 Slay til Christmas

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2

Stay tuned for the final installment next week!

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