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December 13, 2013

Movie Review: The Christmas Season Massacre (2001)

It's Day 11 in the David Hayes 12 Days of Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza and, thankfully, it is almost over. Almost like a Christmas miracle. Most definitely un-miraculous, though, is our entry for this Christmas Eve. Watching this film would turn Scrooge back into the awful miser he was before the ghostly visits. Watching this film would make George Bailey want to stay dead. Watching this film just sucks.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Head Cheese gave to me... hope, because there is only one day left.

Peer with me, folks, a scant ten years ago. Eric Stanze, he of the cutting edge independent horror (like Ice from the Sun and Scrapbook) decides to write and appear in a comedy. Right off the bat we know that this comedy will be irreverent, gory and, probably, a lot of fun. Two out of three is definitely bad. I nearly bought a bag of chestnuts to shove into my mouth and attempt suicide halfway through this film. Bear with me, true believers, as we delve into The Christmas Season Massacre.

Young Tommy McGroo is poor. In fact, his schoolmates call him 'One Shoe' McGroo, for obvious reasons. Tommy slogs his way to and from school with a shoe on one side and a crusty, mangled sock on the other. After Tommy receives a pirate eye patch for Christmas, he snaps and takes his vengeance out on his classmates, slicing and dicing his way to a satisfying holiday season. He kills all but a few of his school chums and we flash forward, years in the future. The remaining six school kids that picked on One Shoe McGroo have gathered together to see what they can do about their 'imminent death' problem. They have all put on quite a bit of weight at this point so some of our more naked moments (standard in horror films at this level) are a bit awkward... but I digress. Gathering together only makes it more convenient for the douchebags to die and then the movie ends.

The real problem is that this film, aside from being schlocky, poorly made, poorly acted and really having no reason for being, has nothing to do with Christmas. Sure, One Shoe gets a pirate patch from his parents, but that is it. Fini. The title of this movie is The Christmas Season Massacre. That must mean that they are literally taking the Season part of the title and running with it. We could call it The Fiscal Fourth Quarter Massacre and it would have the same meaning. Come on! How's this for some retitling: Instead of Die Hard, how about John McClain's Christmas Jihad? Or, here's a good one, John Carpenter's Mid-Term Exam Massacre starring Jamie Lee Curtis. Whatever. The marketing machine that force fed this onto unsuspecting consumers knew they were engaging in a snow job, pun intended.

In honor of One Shoe's crusty, filth-ridden sock, I vote that we all puke in our stockings this year. That would be the equivalent of getting a copy of The Christmas Season Massacre in them.

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