Search the Cinema Head Cheese Archives!

December 12, 2013

Movie Review: The Crippled Masters 2: Two Crippled Heroes (1980)

During my 34 year existence I've seen many films. There are a handful of movies that I like to call my "I'm going to hell" films. My friends, these are movies I love that are so morally reprehensible and just plain wrong to most viewers . They're that bad, and may just put me in Hades with a seat next to Michael Jackson. A few examples that come to mind are T.F Mou's Men Behind the Sun, Addio Zio Uncle Tom, Pasolini's Salo: 120 Days of Sodom and the recent atrocity, A Serbian Film. The film I'm reviewing for you today, Crippled Heroes, is in that dubious category. Apprehensive Films have not-so apprehensively unleashed the two sequels spawned from the cult hit, Crippled Masters - Fighting Life and Crippled Heroes.

Buy The Crippled Masters 2: Two Crippled Heroes on DVD!

Crippled Heroes spins the tale of an arm-less man (Jackie Conn) his loyal monkey and his leg-less pal (Frankie Shum). Actually, both do have appendages - there just not in working order. Our arm-less crippled master has what appear to be Buffalo wings where his arms should be. The leg-less crippled master has these slender flamingo-like legs that he hides "Indian style" under his ass. Imagine Every Which Way but Loose, just subtract Clint Eastwood and add...ok that's a horrible comparison. Yes, these guys have been dealt the shit card from God with these unfortunate deformities. Does this stop them from beating the crap out of gangsters who kidnap their blind girlfriend and terrorize the folks in their town? No way. These guys may not have arms and legs but they certainly have huge pendulus balls.

The actual kung fu ranges from remarkably choreographed fights to sloppy and listless. Some of the moves are just too slow. Watching the arm-less crippled master toss knives with his feet is a sight that I still can't scrub off my brain. I know, I shouldn't be laughing at these antics, but I did consistently throughout the duration of the film. It's just that ridiculous. Another area of fucking genius was the the awful dubbing. It truly takes this movie into cinema gold territory.

The movie is pretty light on the blood, though it has a few moments that include stabbings and some simian violence. Crippled Heroes doesn't contain any nudity or sex either but it's still every bit an exploitation film - and a unique one at that. Even when compared to the above mentioned "shock" films, the antics performed by Shum and Conn that are on display for the audience still is bound to bring an equal amount of uneasiness. Much like that of Tod Browning's Freaks.

The extra features on Apprehensive Films' release of Crippled Heroes are sparse. Included are some trailers for other Apprehensive Films' DVDs but none of which are for the Crippled Masters series. A short-ilm called Pagoda Hell is included. This consists of guys fighting with sound FX and voice-over from the Three Stooges. It’s mildly amusing and thankfully brief. The quality of the DVD is ok. It’s watchable and appears to be from a tape master. The sound fairs about as well. Don’t expect a fully re-mastered DVD of the film.

Crippled Heroes comes highly recommended to anyone who is jaded enough to watch what's essentially a martial-arts freakshow. I really wish it was from film materials, but with that said, it's not a bad release of this insane kung fu oddity.

No comments:

Post a Comment