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May 4, 2016

Movie Review: Betrothed (2016)

Who wants to watch a movie with fresh ideas, great acting, superb execution, and that overall goosebumps inducing emotion that leaves you physically drained, but in a good way, after watching it?

Not this bitch. Originality is for suckers.

Betrothed is a useless slice of celluloid brought to us by Red Cardinal Films. It’s like a used mattress - functionally, it might still be useable but not really worth the risk of bed bugs, possible mold, and the touch of hidden stains that only show up in black light.

Mamma and her two boys, Nate and Adam, kidnap young pretty gals to be the brides of the sons. Because what doesn’t scream romance and marriage longevity like a chloroform soaked rag to the face? As they live out in the desert, about 100 miles from town, they can get away with this for as long as they want. Which works out because the ladies they choose end up dead sooner rather than later (for various reasons - don’t bear kids, are dirty whores, too flippant, etc.) 

Adam decides to kidnap Audra, a 19 year old smart-mouthed teenager home on break from college. Even though she’s kind of annoying, at least she’s smart and can play along in order to survive. While the local police don’t do shit about it, mom and a visiting detective take charge to find the young girl before it’s too late and Adam discovers she ain’t gonna be a compliant little housewife after all.

Maybe if I rolled my eyes louder you'd finally understand me, Mom!

I feel like this movie has been done a bazillion times. Kidnapping psychotic families; murdering psychotic families; bible thumping hypocrite Mamma; the small town trap; get away car running out of gas; a glossed over plot twist; the not-end ending; and on and on and on. I basically just watched this film for my last review except instead of the woods, we’re in the desert here. More Hills Have Eyes with just a skosh of Wrong Turn and a titch of TCM but without the cannibalism. Oh and a totally ripped off Leia vs. Jabba fight scene between Audra and Mamma.

Many scenes felt gratuitous. I mean, I get this is a close knit family but do we need to watch Mamma gut one of the brides WHILE Adam is fucking her? No, no we don’t. Does Nate REALLY need to chainsaw a woman while she’s still alive? No, no he doesn’t. It just seems the writers couldn’t come up with original material so they went with shock value instead.

You know, maybe I'd just like to cuddle every now and again. You ever think of that, Janet?

The sound is not great. Some of the dialogue was way too quiet but there weren’t a lot of loud effects so it was okay to have the volume cranked. The music is very generic rock that’s in every other independent B-horror film. The acting is less than stellar and the characters were cliche and over done. Though I have to admit, Adam (played by Jamie Cline), was actually very sweet, probably because he’s dumber than a bag of peat moss.

The whole film is trite, stale, and just ri-ding-dang-donculous. 

1 Middle Finger to the Eye (out of 5)

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