Breeder (2020) Movie Review

Okay, this flick is even more recent than the last one I reviewed so I will definitely not spoil anything. Though, honestly, the further you get into the movie, the more predictable it becomes so you’d probably figure it out long before I could spoil it.

*shrug* It is what it is.

Breeder is about a mad scientist who’s trying to find a cure for the aging process. And yes, she sees aging as a disease, not a natural course of existence. That kinda gives you an idea of what we’re dealing with here. So she decides the best way to find just the right procedure is to kidnap young women and experiment on them via torture and…fertilization.

Interpret that anyway you want. All will be revealed by the end.

Thomas is the financial guy for this corporation and he’s keeping A LOT of secrets from his wife, Mia. Which, as any human will know, the more a mystery presents itself to us, THE MORE WE MUST SOLVE IT. This leads Mia to becoming part of the experimentations and discovering exactly what this corporation and mad doctor are up to in order to keep the human race young and beautiful.

Beauty is pain, so they say, but dayum…

 

That’s all I’m going to tell you.

The good things in this flick are the acting and the cinematography. Thomas, Mia, Dr. Ruben, and one of the doctor’s henchmen, The Dog (yes, that’s his character name) have the most screen time and are the more important players. I think Mia and The Dog are the most interesting and somewhat complementary. That may seem weird as The Dog is a misogynistic sadist and she’s a housewife/athlete with some unfulfilled kink desires. But they play off each other so well. I have to contribute that to the talents of Sara Hjort Ditlevsen and Morten Holst. Thomas and Dr. Ruben are a bit more cliché but it works for the storyline. Anders Heinrichsen and Signe Egholm Olsen play them beautifully, even when you want to punch them in the throat.

I would have to say that of all the captured women, the one who never speaks emotes more anguish and anger than any of the other victims. She’s pretty powerful, emotionally speaking. And the final shot of revenge against one of the henchmen is very satisfying to watch. No words, just animalistic brutality.

Does that make me a bit of a sadist, too? Maybe…

There is a scene at the end that absolutely made me weep but I can’t really tell you about it because that does give away a bit of the story. You’ll have to watch for yourself.

Every woman's POV at the OBGYN.

The cinematography is brilliant. While the suburb where most people live is pleasant and pretty, and the face of the corporation is enticing, the building where this experimentation is going on is appropriately disgusting. Dark, dank, filthy, claustrophobic, inescapable. It reflects Dr. Ruben’s mania, her henchmen’s brutality, and the victims’ hopelessness.

Once place where this movie fails is the pacing. It didn’t need to be an hour and forty-seven minutes. They could have cut out at least twenty minutes of scenery or running or meeting with investors for the project. I checked my watch twice during the viewing so that’s not a good sign. It’s almost expected for a movie to lose a viewer’s interest once (usually around the halfway mark) but consistently through every act? Less than optimal.

Another issue I had is the story. Some of the twists were predictable to a degree, others just made me scratch my head. The whole anti-aging procedure…I’m pretty sure there are easier and LEGAL ways to do what Dr. Ruben wanted. I don’t know if this was supposed to take place years before STEM cell research was even a thing or getting genetic material from women was taboo or illegal or what. I can’t remember for sure but I think people had smart phones so…that would mean present day.

That goes along with the “let’s just make this über extreme so people know how fucked up this is,” as if kidnapping women and hiring a sadist as their guard wasn’t enough to let us know. It screams of trying too hard, you know? Especially the garbage can reveal. Trust me on this one. *gag*

Overall, it’s a decent thriller with some horrific and gross elements. And just listening to the actors speak Danish is fun (I love listening to foreign languages which is why subtitles don’t bother me one bit). It’s nothing groundbreaking or spectacular, but it is a spectacle at times with great acting.

 

2 hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

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Lurking Terror (2002) Movie Review

I’ve been going back and forth on whether I wanted to review this movie as, you might guess, I didn’t enjoy it. I’m friends with people who worked on it; I’m familiar with those who wrote/directed it and the…less than stellar behavior they’ve exhibited toward their vendor friends and family in recent years. I, personally, have not been a victim of their, let’s be honest, unethical business practices. But I know quite a few who were.

I only say this because I don’t want anyone reading my review to think that I’ve taken up the flag of war and am ripping the movie because I think these folks are big poopy heads and I don’t like meanies. For any review, whether I know the creators or not, I always give my honest opinions. ABOUT THE MOVIE. If a movie is great, I’ll say so. If it’s a total train wreck, I’ll say that, too, regardless of the creators being total shitbags or Mother Theresa reincarnate.

We good? Good. Let’s get to the review. SPOILERS: More than likely I’ll let a few plot points and spoilers loose in the hopes that will keep anyone from watching the film themselves.

Lurking Terror is a 2002 indie horror about a backwoods family that must sacrifice total strangers to a centuries-old curse on their town of Bridelson and the family line. If they don’t, The Evil will come and destroy them all. And sometimes, when they’ve got more than one person to choose from, they’ll sacrifice one and BBQ the other.

The movie starts with three fugitives on the run from police. Honestly, I don’t remember their names but I want to say they are Reggie, Betty, and Kenny (and if I’m wrong, does it really matter?). Reggie has been shot and they need to find help. After pulling off the road, they stumble through the woods toward a house in the distance. After Kenny is killed by The Evil, the other two hide out in the house and receive help from its owner.

Only he ain’t helping them. He’s leading them into a trap - into the waiting arms, and cage, of the family. Betty will be sacrificed to The Evil and Reggie…well, he’s wounded and won’t make a proper offering. Plus, they haven’t eaten well in too long so he goes on the spit! Unfortunately, before they can enjoy him (blargh), Deputy Laura shows up in her search for the fugitives.

They get the jump on her and lock her up with Betty. But, because BEWBS, the two sons get suckered into her cage where she promptly knocks them out. She and Laura escape in a stolen truck, leaving the family to be taken by The Evil, or even just each other as tempers and fears arise.

But just as you think our two heroines are in the clear, The Evil hitches a ride on their getaway buggy. After Betty slams on the brakes in an attempt to shake it loose, The Evil pops up and snatches Laura from her tentative grasp on freedom and safety.

The closing shot is of “some woman” listening to a news broadcast in her car as the announcer talks about the missing deputy. Just then the car passes the sign to Bridelson where Deputy Laura’s head sits atop a pike.

HOW DOES NO ONE NOTICE THIS??

 

Oy, where to begin? Let me get all the bad out of the way first (believe it or not, there are a couple things I enjoyed while watching).

The acting is absolute trash. Not exactly unexpected though. The original music is amateur. It sounds like any indie horror movie soundtrack with its distortion effects and gruff voicing. Completely generic. Camera/photography is shoddy at best whether for regular shooting or shaking the camera for effect. Editing is terrible and the slo-mo effect was overused and unnecessary (except in one instance which I’ll touch on in a minute). The blood and guts practical effects are...okay.

The sound is uneven. It seemed they only had one or two mics so not every character’s lines could be heard well within the same scene. But at least there wasn’t a lot of disparity between the dialogue and the sound effects. I never felt the need to grab gauze because my ears started bleeding from decibel overload. 

The story is derivative, unoriginal, filled with cliche characters. Way too many exposition dumps, character ramblings, confusing actions, and things that just made no sense. Examples: After taking off her bra to seduce the brothers, does Betty really have time to put it back ON before escaping? I mean, is that a priority here? And how are members of the family confused that The Evil took their “livestock” after they chained it to a tree, like they do with their sacrifices?

By the way, using the word livestock as code for your human BBQ victims…*eye roll*

The Evil itself is confusing. Is it only supposed to attack those from the original bloodlines that incorporated Bridelson or literally anyone on the land, aside from the sacrifices? Because it seemed to do whatever the fuck it wanted. One family character spits out a quick factoid about The Evil not acting normal, which happened once before, but they never expand on that.

With all that said, though, I did find a few things about this flick enjoyable.

Jamie White, who played Deputy Laura, was actually fantastic. Her acting was top notch and she played the only character I gave a damn about. I’m surprised, and a little sad, she didn’t pursue an acting career. Her final scene was the only time the slo-mo effect worked really well as The Evil snatched her up. It’s a great shot.

The daughter of the family pretending to be a captive before her mother scolds her to help the others - I actually laughed out loud at that part.

The Evil creature itself was pretty cool. We never really get a long close look at it during the film but that may have added to its mystique. I have seen a few still images of it and the overall design is great - giant teeth, moss covered body, and long savage claws and teeth make for a creepy creature!

Unfortunately, those few bits are all that’s worthy in this 74-minute pile of hot, steaming garbage. I can’t honestly encourage anyone to watch this just for those few morsels. Avoid this like the clap, people.

1/4 hatchet (out of 5)

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The Dark (2018) Movie Review

I’m kinda getting tired of taking a chance on an unknown movie and then liking it. I mean, this is Cinema Headcheese. I take pride in holding myself to a certain standard of crap and bitching about it.

Geez.

As I wasn’t planning to review this particular film, I didn’t take copious notes. That will help this to be a more spoiler-free review. The film is also from 2018, so it’s still relatively new and probably not on a lot of people’s radars.

The Dark is about two teenagers who bond and heal in the wake of traumatic experiences. Mina, after being killed by her mother’s molesting boyfriend, wakes as a zombie in the woods near her home. She must kill and eat humans to “survive”. Several years later, she crosses paths with a wanted criminal who trespasses into her territory, and promptly kills him. While searching the man’s car for goods, she discovers Alex, a teenage boy the man had kidnapped then blinded through torture.

As Mina takes Alex in tow, trying to find him food, shelter, and help, the two create a strong bond of friendship, each a healing force for the other. Though in order to keep Alex safe, blood’s gonna get spilled.

I actually don’t want to say more than that. I don’t want to break down the film scene by scene, like I usually do. I will comment on a few aspects, of course. Despite there being a lot of division among reviewers across the internet, I don’t think anyone can deny this film throws an emotional punch. And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since I watched it.

About 80% of the film is carried by two people: Nadia Alexander and Toby Nichols, who play Mina and Alex respectively. The subject matter, zombie aspect aside, is very heavy and these two bore the brunt of it well. Using the zombie trope to explore and discuss issues like molestation, rape, kidnapping, torture, brain washing, and murder through the eyes of the teens that experienced these horrors is something I haven’t seen before. At least, not with this strong emotional connection. Even Mina’s zombie isn’t typical. She’s not a brainless, shambling, cloudy-eyed automaton. Aside from the killing and eating people, she could be a “normal” teenage girl.

Toby did a fantastic job of playing a teen who’d obviously been so traumatized, he was reluctant to go with Mina even after she told him his kidnapper was dead. He lived in fear that the man would come back for him or find his family and kill them. When we first encounter Alex, he’s in soiled clothes with burn scars over his eyes. But we didn’t need to see him go through that hell. Toby showed us plenty through his acting in the film. Same for Mina. We do get some flashbacks to give us an idea how she got to this zombified state, but Nadia shows us plenty without us having to witness her personal trauma.

There is no soundtrack. There is one simplistic song, “Mina’s Theme”, that plays a couple times. Or the kids hum a soft tune once or twice. But I think the lack of music made this a much more powerful film. That in conjunction with the cinematography created such a bleak and unforgiving world these kids had to live in.

Most of the film is dark, lighting-wise, I mean. I don’t know if that was a director’s choice to show that we each have darkness to contend with inside and out, or that the world is a dark place, hence the title of the film. Darkness can be different for everyone, and from some of the character development in this movie, I’d say the teens weren’t the only ones who had suffered at the hands of something dark and terrible.

The one main thing I didn’t like was the pacing. It did drag a bit, and some scenes went on a little too long. But only checking my watch once or twice during a 90-minute film is fairly good, so it wasn’t as bad as others I’ve watched in the past.

I did try to read up on a bunch of reviews because the ending is a little…huh? And after discovering NO ONE had any answers or theories out there, I realized that the writer may have left the ending a little vague so each viewer could interpret in their own way. I can’t really say what I think the ending means because it would give too much away. But it did give me hope for Alex’s recovery, and for Mina’s, too.

Is this a supernatural tale? Sure. Is it a human story? Absolutely. What it means for you will be different than what it means for me. And stories that keep me thinking, long after they’re over, are some of the most beautiful stories out there.

It’s on Amazon Prime if you’d like to check it out for yourself.

4 hatchets (out of 5)

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Movie Review: Betrothed (2016)

Who wants to watch a movie with fresh ideas, great acting, superb execution, and that overall goosebumps inducing emotion that leaves you physically drained, but in a good way, after watching it?

Not this bitch. Originality is for suckers.

Betrothed is a useless slice of celluloid brought to us by Red Cardinal Films. It’s like a used mattress - functionally, it might still be useable but not really worth the risk of bed bugs, possible mold, and the touch of hidden stains that only show up in black light.

Mamma and her two boys, Nate and Adam, kidnap young pretty gals to be the brides of the sons. Because what doesn’t scream romance and marriage longevity like a chloroform soaked rag to the face? As they live out in the desert, about 100 miles from town, they can get away with this for as long as they want. Which works out because the ladies they choose end up dead sooner rather than later (for various reasons - don’t bear kids, are dirty whores, too flippant, etc.)