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November 16, 2016

Movie Review: Blue Ice (1985)

Directed by Philip Marshak

Movie Review by Greg Goodsell

Since we’ve e been promised by a certain individual that America will be great again, this little porno chestnut unearthed by the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome reminds us once again what makes America great: Third-rate Humphrey Bogart world-weary detectives and their ponderous narration … reliable Nazi villains who can't seem to keep their swastika armbands on straight … purty girls that upon analysis aren't all that purty … sex scenes involving lots of shouting and yelling … dramatic scenes involving lots of shouting and yelling … beautiful locations of San Francisco rendered with ragged camera swish pans. Yes! We're in the kooky alternative universe that is Blue Ice, as helmed by the notorious director Philip Marshak (The Nightmare Never Ends, aka Cataclysm and Dracula Sucks!).

The story? You got us there, pal! Famed skin flick hunk and lunk Herschel Savage stars as the aforementioned gumshoe contracted by said Nazis to find a rare book of ultimate power. Savage wanders in and out fleshy situations that don't forward the plot. His hooker roommate services “Hedgehog” himself Ron Jeremy, there's lots of screaming and yelling, while reliable schlong Paul Thomas stumbles about in an alcoholic haze, winding up trussed up and tortured by said Nazis. The least eagle-eyed viewer will note that Thomas, kept bound in bed rests his arms in two hooks without any restraint whatsoever keeping them there! You suppose the doofus secretly likes it? Exotic “Helga Sven,” a Germanic platinum blonde by way of Tulsa, Oklahoma sings a passable version of “Deutschland Uber Alles,” and the sought-after book, an ungainly prop full of Bedazzler beads is opened, referencing 1955's Kiss Me Deadly long before Quentin Tarrantino did so in Pulp Fiction (1996). We haven't even mentioned the plain-Jane 300-year-old witch who concludes the film with a painfully dated laser light show. Longtime skull-faced screen villain Reggie Nalder (Salem’s Lot) appears as a guest Nazi poobah, and thankfully remains fully clothed ….

Vinegar Syndrome’s Blu-Ray/DVD combo hit it out of the park with this one. Vivid, colorful imagery, albeit rendered in a hack, pedestrian manner comes bursting from the screen. Blue Ice’s best feature is undoubtedly its bouncy synthesizer score, sure to bring a nostalgic tear to all who remember the Thompson Twins and dared to wear color combinations of shocking pink and aquamarine. So good, it deserves its own separate CD release!

The sole extra on the disc is a commentary track featuring the always loquacious William Margold. When Margold remarks on the irony of Jews playing Nazis, he chortles, “We sold them the ovens they put us in!” This astute observation harshed my buzz considerably, and so I opted to drop out five minutes into it …

In either case, Blue Ice is the perfect party wallpaper for the next casual gathering of vintage perverts. Dig in!

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