App Reviews: Angry Birds & Angry Birds Seasons

I'm not sure why I even downloaded this app. I am a person who becomes obsessed with games. I have far too little time to deal with such tomfoolery, but yet, here I am writing about this thing that has become my crack cocaine. Angry Birds, ladies and gentlemen, is my new toilet game.

Find Angry Birds on Amazon.com

Toilet game? Yes, toilet game. The bathroom used to be a place for newspapers and magazines. It then became a place for little handheld games like solitaire or blackjack. Now it is the realm of the Android and the iPhone. Ladies, you may not understand this, but for a man the only true place of peace and serenity is his bathroom. That is where he may think, and that is where he may stink. That is where he cleans and dirties himself. That is the only remaining place that he can go in which no living soul will bother him. You can have your den or retardedly named man cave, but for me, I am always king when I am upon my throne.

When it comes to video games, I have always been interested in puzzles and strategies. Even Pac-Man or Q-bert involved strategy. Hell, Frogger was a strategy game of the simplest type. I can't even begin to fathom the amount of hours I spent with my grandmother trying to reach the highest levels of Tetris. Angry Birds is a brilliant strategy game like no other, and it is presented in a fantastically appealing package.

The story is basic. Some evil pigs who don't seem to have bodies have stolen eggs from a variety of birds, and they are hiding inside of sloppily built structures. Your task is to slingshot the different birds into the structures in order to bring them down and kill the pigs. The birds come in several varieties, and you obtain more as you go on. The basic red bird is just a projectile. You aim, shoot and smash. There is a large version of this bird that does far more damage. The yellow bird gets a jolt of speed with a swipe of your screen. He's harder to aim than the other birds, but can do some good damage if he hits the right spot. The white bird drops exploding eggs. He can also be used as a projectile if you choose not to drop his bomb. Next are my two favorites, the blue bird and the black bird. The blue bird is tiny, but when you swipe the screen, he splits into three, and if timed correctly, he can tear things up. The black bird is like a cartoon bomb. He does heavy damage on impact, and he explodes with a swipe. I'm always happy to see him.

The type and order of birds is predetermined on each level, so you have to figure out what to do with each. Each level begins by showing you the pigs' structure, then moving away to your birds. You have to remember where you are aiming. When you fire, a trail appears on the screen, and this can be used to guide your next bird. Usually, I get aggravated at games when I don't win, but as I play Angry Birds, I learn something from every loss. You can watch a structure crumble to the left or right, figure out where to adjust, and try again as many times as you need.

For the holidays, Angry Birds Seasons is an exciting play. The Halloween levels are fun and make the structures look haunted. The Christmas levels are set up like an old Advent calendar. You know, the kind that gave you a chocolate for every day of December. They have released one level per day this month. Seasons also added a new bird that adds to the difficulty. There is a toucan that has the power of a boomerang. You swipe when you want it to turn, and some levels require a hit from the backside of the structure.

All in all, I have to recommend both Angry Birds apps. I know, time passes quickly, but when you need to hide in the crapper for an extra twenty minutes or so, you should at least have something more fun to do than smell your own stink.