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May 3, 2011

Movie Review: Glass Trap (2005)

Once upon a time there was a building made of glass in Los Angeles. This building ordered some potted plants for their lobby. These plants were delivered from a nursery… a special nursery. That, my friends, is the premise of Glass Trap, directed by Fred Olen Ray under one of his many pseudonyms, and “written” by Brett Thompson. Needless to say the operative word in the title is ‘trap.’ As in, I was trapped by the stupidity of this movie or I felt like gnawing my arm off like it was in a trap to escape the flick. Good golly, it is absolutely amazing what a few dedicated people can do with a horrible premise, no money and less time. So, without further adieu, may I present the film that set back independent movie street cred thirty years… Glass Trap.

Buy Glass Trap on DVD!

Building from our unique, if not complex, premise, the plants delivered to the lobby of the glass building were filled with ants. These ants, radioactive in nature, grew to the size of a stripper’s handbag dog and infested the building. I’m stopping for a moment, though. I’m no horticulturist, but even the most style-challenged eye can see that the plants are silk. I would be afraid of anything that could feed off of fake plants and survive, but I digress. The ants attack the poor saps in the building, including C. Thomas Howell (The Outsiders, Gettysburg, a bunch of horrible crap from the 2000s) and Stella Stevens (The Poseidon Adventure). Howell, the man that took Bruce Campbell’s spot in every bad movie ever after Brucie went legit, plays the ex-con janitor with a heart of gold that, eventually, gets everyone out the building. Stella is the sexy cougar… strike that, sexy sabretooth that would throw a hump on anything that vaguely resembled a loaf of French bread. Some other actors round out the cast. An agent from a secret (according to her, so secret the President doesn’t even know about it) section of the USDA is there to help and so is Martin Kove, the Cobra Kahn sensei from the original Karate Kid, as a SWAT team leader. The ants get the upper hand, of course, until Howell gets everyone out of the building and the ants are killed.

Wow. I would apologize for the spoiler above, but you aren’t going to make it that far anyway, right? I’m really not sure how things like this get made. I mean, I’ve made some atrocious stuff (anyone see Blown?), but I’ve never, ever insulted the audience’s intelligence on purpose like this. The ants themselves are a combo bad rubber/bad CGI, there is no gore and, for the sake of b-movie nerds everywhere, when will these people figure out that lingerie is NEVER as good as nudity? Come on! 

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