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June 4, 2012

Movie Review: The Dead Want Women (2012)

Directed by Charles Band

Starring Jessica Morris, Ariana Madix and Eric Roberts

Granted, I haven’t watched every Full Moon Features movie thats come out in the last decade or so, but the ones I have seen seem to follow the same basic recipe. Goofy story-line, bad acting, low-end effects and just enough tits and ass to keep you from walking out. Its not a gourmet recipe by any stretch of the imagination, but it seems to pay the bills for Charles Band & company, so who am I to argue with their culinary success? I’d call these films the grilled-cheese sandwiches of the horror movie world....easy to make, a bit bland and geared mainly towards the palates of horny 12 year old adolescents (like me).

A fading silent film star of the roaring 20‘s is holding a party at her posh home to celebrate her latest movie. While partaking in a lust-filled orgy in a secret chamber behind a waterfall in the back yard, she is given the bad news that her latest film has flopped and her movie contract has been cancelled. Not surprisingly, she reacts in the fashion we wish all washed up actress’s would, she kills everyone in sight and then slits her own throat. (You hear that Rosie O'Donnell?)

The house sits desolate for the next 80 years, until two ultra-hot realtors think they have found a would-be buyer for the place. Not long after arriving to do some clean-up they are greeted by the ghosts of the past who are looking for fresh poontang, afterall it has been 80 years since the last love-fest. What we are treated to then is a Scooby-Doo-like chase sequence through the house which ends in the orgy chamber of coarse, and the hotties are forced to use what little wits they were born with to try and escape.

Its not going to challenge you mentally or emotionally in any way shape or form. It just is what it is, a below average straight-to-video cheesy horror movie. Not much in the way of humor, originality or spirit. But it does have some luscious babes who are more then willing to get naked and ham it up for your viewing pleasure. And in this particular instance it also has an over-the-hill Eric Roberts in an orgy-scene and hokey rubber monster mask, so that alone scores it 2 points right there. I found it interesting how Roberts seemed to “dumb it down” to match the acting chops of the rest of the cast. He’s actually a descent actor and I would hate to think this is a movie he would want to be remembered for.

In all honesty, it truly pains me to diss anything that director Charles Band does. I have been a huge fan of his work for decades. Anybody that has their hand in on the production of movies like Laserblast, Re-Animator, Rawhead Rex, Parasite, Ghoulies and Puppet Master is a total badass in my book, and Iam still holding out hope that he’s got some more of that magic left up his sleeve. Iam afraid this particular magic trick (The Dead Want Women) isnt going to fool anyone but the most gullable and nieve of horror fans though.

4 out of 10 Reviewed by KennyB

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