Christmas Horror Capsule Reviews

I realize there are more holiday movies to watch than I could fully analyze. So I thought it might be fun to do capsule reviews of holiday horrors that are available on streaming services. Obviously, I don’t have access to all of them so let’s hit up what’s on Tubi.

And if you don’t know what Tubi is, why are you even here? You’re obviously not one of us. Off you must fuck.

DISCLAIMER: I decided to just highlight Tubi because after watching nine films, I wanted to set myself on fire. Ain’t no way I can watch the twenty offerings remaining on Tubi, let alone manage everything else on Prime, Shudder, YouTube, and Netfl…well, maybe not Netflix.

Do. Better. Netflix. (But don’t get rid of your Korean dramas, I beg you.)

Annyeonghaseyo

Holiday Hell

A woman goes into a curio shop to find a Christmas gift for her sister. The shopkeeper regales her with the terrifying tales of different items.

Jeffrey Combs. That’s it. That’s the only reason you need to go watch this. Do it. NOW. Seriously, this is the best film on the list and has a nice, if not predictable, little twist at the end.

 

Hell on the Shelf

A movie of found footage from a paranormal investigative crew in a supposedly haunted house.

Nothing new here. The origin story is about a pair of twin boys who fought over an Andy Elf doll, a doll that possesses whoever touches it and brings a bad fate, and one boy ends up dead. Terrible acting. Cheap effects for camera footage. Don’t worry about blinking and missing something because there’s nothing subtle here. It’s like Ghost Adventures up in this bitch, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.

 

The Killing Tree

Years ago a psycho killed a bunch of people he thought didn’t celebrate Christmas the right way. After his execution, his grieving widow puts his soul into a Christmas tree. Now he can continue his murder spree and finally kill the one that got away.

Just terrible; goofy special f/x; incredibly thin plot. Everything is awful.

It really is

The 12 Slays of Christmas

Three titty women become stranded in a snowstorm and take shelter in a mansion owned by a creepy old dude. He shares a plethora of terrifying tales with them, twelve to be exact.

The creepy old man, Ignacio Harrington (great name), is a fun character and the actor is fantastic. The three women can’t act for shit and the one who plays Christine looks like she has pink eye. It’s very distracting. But this is a most egregious self-service “film.” The twelve tales are basically trailers or snippets from eleven different Full Moon features, and the twelfth slay was the three women turning into monsters and killing the old man. Ooops, spoiler alert. This was a trailer compilation disguised as an anthology. As much as I love Charles Band, I was kinda mad when I finished this up. Luckily, it’s only forty minutes.

 

Sister Krampus

Two sisters visiting Europe during Christmas time cross paths with Sister Krampus, bride to the horrifying anti-Claus.

The nun gets involved with Krampus after Mother Superior kicks her out of the convent for DARING to be raped by American Soldiers (during WW2). In the present day she binds herself to one of the sisters. Not really sure why but do I care? No. Should anyone? Also no. The only important part is that after destroying the nun, Krampus is so relieved to be rid of the bitch that he restores life to murdered loved ones of the women who helped him out.

I just…ugh.

 

He Knows

Masked killer Sammy the Elf kills all the naughty folks in a small town during the holidays.

Sammy the Elf is pretty damned creepy and I loved the practical effects for the kills. But the end…whaaaa?

Nutcracker Massacre

A novelist visiting her family at Christmas becomes reacquainted with a mysterious Nutcracker doll with a mind and agenda of its own.

Okay, the “doll” is actually a 6’ figure. Who the fuck has a 6-foot tall Nutcracker in their house? The characters are poorly written; the story is the most convoluted bullshit ever. However, points for practical effects and a literal nutcracker death. But Patrick Bergen…what the fuck happened to you that you’re involved with this pile of shit?

 

Psycho Santa

The husband half of a bickering couple, traveling to a family gathering, teases his wife with stories about the legend of a backwoods killer Santa.

While I can appreciate the tales about Santa’s murder spree being shown instead of told, the acting is awful, obligatory nudity tiresome, and the back and forth from the stories to the couple driving gets boring after a while. There is SO MUCH FUCKING FILLER in every scene. This could have been thirty minutes shorter. In fact, it should never have existed at all.

 

Psycho Santa 2

The still alive but burned Psycho Santa from part 1 returns to kill everyone. Or something. I JUST CAN’T. You’re on your own to watch this one.

Cocktails engaged…

Slayed

Five years after a Christmas Eve massacre destroyed a small community, the murderer returns. But someone is ready for him.

Not really ground breaking stuff going on here but the acting is better than most everything else on this list. I have to admit to really digging the characters of Crandle (who was on scene for the original massacre five years prior) and Jordan (the new security guard with a secret – or not really; it’s kind of obvious actually.)

 

All righty. That’s all I could handle this time around. Maybe I’ll try to do this every year but spread it out over a few weeks so I don’t need to get blackout drunk in order to survive with my sanity intact. But I’ve linked the trailers for the capsules and for each offering in the list below.

 

Happy Holidays!

 

Elves

Nights before Christmas

Chrismassacre (no trailer available)

All Through the House

Santa Claws (couldn't find a trailer for this - it's from 1996 if that helps!)

Once Upon a Time at Christmas

Good Tidings

*Jack Frost

Mother Krampus

Christmas Craft Fair Massacre

*A Christmas Horror Story

All the Creatures Were Stirring

The Christmas Tapes

Black Christmas (2006)

*Better Watch Out

Unholy Night

The Santa Suicides

Hogfather

Amityville Christmas Vacation

A Christmas Slay

Silent Night Bloody Night

*Christmas Evil

Slay Belles

*Rare Exports

Bunch of Riff Trax: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians; Magic ChristmasTree; Santa Claus; Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

 

*These are actually very well done films, or so bad they’re highly entertaining, so I do recommend you watch them.

Baby Oopsie (2021) Movie review

Okay, you all know how much I love Charles Band, right? I mean, I did watch AND review the entire Puppet Master franchise. Even most of his bad films are still kind of fun, whether he wrote, directed, or produced them. I’m just not sure this flick can be included on that list.

Baby Oopsie is the story of Sybil Pittman, an unfortunate, lonely woman. She lives with an overbearing, garbage of a human being stepmother, Mitzi; two local youths constantly harass her, basically robbing her every chance they get; and works for a boss who could give Bill Lumbergh from Office Space a run for his money.

Though there are a few people who do like her (Earl, the mailman, Ray Ray her best friend, and Kristy, who’s renting a room in Sybil’s home), Sybil really only has one joy in life - her dolls. She loves to restore and collect antique ones, and runs a dedicated video channel/series to her doll work. One day she receives a mysterious package that contains the trashed head of Baby Oopsie (the little bald, nightgown wearing baby doll from Demonic Toys). Immediately, Sybil falls in love and works diligently to restore it.

Unfortunately, she can’t get the mechanical elements to work. Until, one day, she receives ANOTHER mysterious package. This one contains some kind of pentacle charm. Once she puts that in Baby Oopsie’s new body, the doll springs to life.

The next thing we know, Baby Oopsie has taken it upon herself to get revenge for her ‘momma’, Sybil. Once she realizes what’s happening, Sybil tries to warn Ray Ray and Kristy, but they write it off as part of Sybil’s stress and depression. Eventually, Sybil warms up to the idea of getting revenge on the assholes in her life and helps Baby Oopsie out. Until the doll turns its attention to the innocent.

Sybil must do what she can to stop the doll’s murderous rampage. Can she defeat the satanic muppet in time?

 

Let me just say right off the bat, this is not a good film. Honestly, the original Demonic Toys wasn’t all that great, and I’ve never watched the sequels. Just that Puppet Master mashup from 2004. Baby Oopsie (the actual doll) looks awful, its voice is annoying, and all it spouts are bad jokes and ridiculous quips. Most of the characters are just cliche stereotypes, with bad dialogue and lackluster acting. It probably goes without saying all CGI effects are just crap, and it is very obvious we are watching someone running around with a puppet on his/her hand.

Wait, you're gonna put your hand where....HEYYO!

HOWEVER…

I loved the character of Sybil Pittman, played by Libbie Higgins. Sybil is a very sympathetic character, though it does seem her misfortune reaches hyperbolic levels. Even though dolls are not my jam, I can see how much joy Sybil derives from them and how they have become her whole world. She’s written to be the underdog who you want to end up the reigning champion. Libbie did a fantastic job of fully bringing this character to life.

The story itself is well done, despite the cliche dialogue and mostly stereotypical other characters. I won’t give away the big twist at the end but honestly, I didn’t see it coming. When I thought I knew what was what, they threw in another surprise. And the ending was much bleaker than I expected.

Keep an eagle eye out for little Easter eggs from other Charles Band productions throughout the film!

Overall, like I said, not a great movie. But it does have some entertaining elements that make it worth a watch. At least once, anyway.

1.75 hatchets (out of 5)

 

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Movie Review: Tourist Trap and Demonic Toys (Blu-ray)

Charles Band and his company Full Moon Features has had a history that that dates back into the 1970’s. While it wasn't until the late 80’s the actual Full Moon brand was conceived, the director, producer, writer had his stamp on genre films with movies like David Schmoeller’s thriller Tourist Trap. Tourist Trap has just made its debut in the High Def arena as well as his Child’s Play rip-off Demonic Toys and they certainly should garner some attention from horror fans both young and old. My first of Tourist Trap came at a very young age on video and it scared the shit out of me so it's nice to see this one again after so many years.

A jeep full of college-age vacationers breaks down in the middle of nowhere near an old wax museum run by a recluse named Slausen (Chuck Conner, The Rifleman). Here the kids get to know Slausen and even experience the interesting sites of the many dummies in costume at the museum. What they don’t know is that there is a danger among the shadows and the myriad of dummies occupying the whole residence. The group begins to shrink as each perishes at the hands of some large figure with telekinetic powers that has a striking resemblance to ol’ Slausen. Could it be Slausen or his twin brother? Or is the place just haunted. Schmoeller and his crew pile on an appropriate amount of brooding atmosphere to make Tourist Trap one of the creepiest and most underrated horror films to come out of the 1970’s.

Movie Review: Castle Freak (1995, Blu-ray)

Stuart Gordon's splash onto the horror genre scene in the mid 1980's with the superb film incarnations of H.P Lovecraft's short stories, Re-Animator and From Beyond was truly a thing of beauty. They had scares, heaping doses of splatter and surprisingly fun bits of humor throughout the films. Both movies literally made genre fans slip and slide on the ooey, gooey genius of the horror icon.

Both From Beyond and Re-Animator were produced through Charles Band's Empire Pictures, these critical successes paved way to a nice solid career that led to other, different projects. One such project, with Charles Band again and his Full Moon Features Company was Castle Freak. After hitting both VHS and DVD this uplifting story about a slobbering, grunting, flesh-eating cretin living in a castle basement is now on glorious Blu-ray.

Movie Review: Puppet Master: Axis of Evil (2010, Blu-ray)

Believe it or not, but this is the 10^th Puppet Master sequel. Yep, Charles Band’s little, err, band of ruthless, homicidal puppets have officially been in more feature films than their campy, goofy horror film brethren like Warwick Davis’ Leprechaun and those cheap little Ghoulies monsters. Like most sequels, though, the quantity is not directly proportionate to the quality. Even though Puppet Master: Axis of Evil is better than the a few of the more recent remakes, I still felt like some all-knowing, all-powerful force hooked my limbs up to piano wire to control my body and rammed it’s hand up my ass to make me talk as I watched yet another prequel in the Puppet Master mythos. Uugh.

Buy Puppet Master: Axis of Evil on Blu-ray or DVD!

Movie Review: The Dead Want Women (2012)

Directed by Charles Band

Starring Jessica Morris, Ariana Madix and Eric Roberts

Granted, I haven’t watched every Full Moon Features movie thats come out in the last decade or so, but the ones I have seen seem to follow the same basic recipe. Goofy story-line, bad acting, low-end effects and just enough tits and ass to keep you from walking out. Its not a gourmet recipe by any stretch of the imagination, but it seems to pay the bills for Charles Band & company, so who am I to argue with their culinary success? I’d call these films the grilled-cheese sandwiches of the horror movie world....easy to make, a bit bland and geared mainly towards the palates of horny 12 year old adolescents (like me).

Wanna Be A Part Of Puppet Master X: Axis Rising??

February 10, 2012, Los Angeles, CA – Since the series’ inception in 1989, the "Puppet Master" films have been produced by Charles Band. Now, for the very first time in Full Moon Features’ most enduring franchise, Band will take the director’s seat himself with "Puppet Master X: Axis Rising." With Band finally at the helm, the film is expected to be the most anticipated chapter yet in the Puppet Master saga. But he isn’t the only one taking a more active role this time.

Movie Review: Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt (2011, Full Moon)

Directed by Charles Band

Starring Erica Rhodes, Olivia Alexander and Chelsea Edmundson

Back in 1999, Full Moon Entertainment and director David DeCoteau produced a strange little horror flick about an extra-dimensional entity that enters our world by infesting the eye of a voyeuristic scientist. Naturally the infested eye grows to enormous size, detaches itself from the body of its victim and goes on a rampage. The film was called The Killer Eye. Now the Eyeball's back in Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt.

Buy Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt on DVD or Watch It Instantly

Movie Review: Full Moon's Grindhouse Collection - Dreamaniac, Mutant Hunt & Famous T&A

Full Moon Features are releasing several films from the old Wizard Video label onto the masses through their website at ten bucks a pop under the title Full Moon's Grindhouse Collection. Three of those releases I've gotten a chance to take a peek at - Dreamaniac, Famous T&A and Mutant Hunt.

One of those films is David DeCoteau's 1986 schlock-rich nugget Dreamaniac. DeCoteau has made a name for himself as being one of the more consistent B movie filmmakers to get behind a camera over the past 30 years. Most frequently he's been working with none other than Charles Band. I know what your thinking, "what's Clint Howard doing on the cover of this movie?". That isn't Clint folks, it's the knife-wielding psycho-bitch who slices and dices the majority of the cast. Not shockingly for a DeCoteau film, Dreamaniac opens with a dream sequence that comes complete with a fog machine, bright gels and some very gratuitous shots of shaved male buttocks. Ass is here in abundance, both clothed and unclothed are on display with lecherous close-ups.

Movie Review: Evil Bong 3: The Wrath of Bong (2011)

I haven't seen the first two Evil Bong movies, but I am a fan of silly slasher films. I like the crazy creatures, such as the GingerDead Man or the Leprechaun. I wasn't sure how a bong would kill people, but I thought I'd give it a try. It had a decent start that was somewhat similar to Stephen King's segment of Creepshow. It really turned into a whole lot of nothing with puppets. Eh, it could have been worse.

Buy Evil Bong 3: The Wrath of Bong on DVD or Watch It Instantly

Full Moon Features Celebrates Halloween with a Big Sale!

Starting tomorrow, Full Moon Gifts cards are 40% Off to celebrate Halloween!

$25 Gift Card = $15

$50 Gift Card = $30

$100 Gift Card = $60

$200 Gift Card = $120

PLUS......

The huge $500 Gift Card is only $250!

That's 50% off! Just go to http://www.fullmoondirect.com

Sale ends on Monday, October 31st at 11:59pm.

You can even enter this fun contest and WIN a $500 Gift card! TONS of film titles and synopses have been submitted. And there is still time to submit YOUR ideas, but you have to hurry. The contest ends on Halloween at midnight.

http://fullmoonhorror.com/2011/10/25/9-crazy-film-ideas-submitted-so-far-you-can-still-enter-win-500/

Check out all the other fun stuff at http://www.fullmoonhorror.com - we post new content all the time! You gotta See the video and photo gallery from the FullMoonHorror.com Launch Party with Gary Busey and Tommy Chong!

http://fullmoonhorror.com/2011/10/25/launch-party-preview-videos-huge-gallery-coming-soon/

Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! #16 - Vaginally Friendly

Jeff Dolniak and Kevin Moyers welcome their first female guest reviewer Brenel Anghel to the show.

Jeff starts out with a review of a short film called Slash.

The state of the modern grindhouse flick comes up, and they discuss the use and abuse of the term in modern movies. They get into the newer crop, including Shoot 'Em Up, Black Dynamite, Hobo With a Shotgun and Machete.

Jeff gets into the latest from Pink Eiga - The Japanese Wife Next Door.

They run through a slew of reviews including the blu-ray release of Basket Case, the original Conan series, GingerDead Man 3 and Funhouse.

Since Brenel has become a recent fan, Kevin asks for a woman's take on Mad Men.

Click here to listen or right click and choose "Save Link As..." to download.

Click on any of the links above to purchase at Amazon.com and support Cinema Head Cheese and Abnormal Entertainment!

Movie Review: The GingerDead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011)

While I don't always go for cheesy horror, I do like intentionally cheesy horror. I especially like when it goes to extremes. The original GingerDead Man was a riot. The title character, voiced by Gary Busey, was created from dough that was made with cursed flour. He was absolutely ridiculous, full of crazy one-liners and killed without remorse. Just what you want in a deadly pastry. In this edition, sans Busey, we see the killer cookie in a brand new setting.

Buy GingerDead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver on DVD

Movie Review: Subspecies (1991, Blu-ray)

Full Moon owner Charles Band has managed to produce and direct some unique genre flicks over the years. Interestingly, it seems that he tries to make a franchise out of every feature. Some of them work ok, and some don't. The Subspecies series has been one of the better ones atleast for my liking.  Now the original film, directed by one of Full Moons most prolific contributor ,Ted Nicolaou (Bad Channels, Puppetmaster Vs. Demonic Toys, Terrorvision), is seeing release on the Blu-ray format.

Buy Subspecies Blu-ray or DVD

The backdrop for this vampire film takes place in Dracula's favorite country, Romania. Three lovely young ladies are exploring the wonderfully scenic countryside only to cross paths with a super-pasty bloodsucker named Radu (Anders Hove). Radu's fresh off killing his father (Angus Scrimm, Phantasm series) so he could get his bloodstone - a powerful birthright which he hopes to use in his favor during his blood draining outings.

"Subspecies" Available July 25th on Blu-Ray and DVD!

SUBSPECIES RE-MASTERED IN 16:9 IS FINALLY HERE!!!

On both blu ray and DVD! First copies will "premiere" at
San Diego Comic Convention on July 20th and will then be available
only at www.FullmoonDirect.com starting Monday July 25th!

Movie Review: Haunted Casino (2009)

I don’t know where you live, but I live in Arizona (for the next few days). In Arizona there are a ton of casinos. Some of these casinos are pretty small and a little creepy. These are the kinds of places where you can see eighty year old women smoking out of a tracheotomy, drunken slobs going broke on the penny slot machine and a buffet that makes public school lunches look like five star meals. If you have any of these little places around you it is an interesting, and depressing, cross section of humanity that owes it’s soul to the dark gods of chance. Charles Band’s Haunted Casino reminded me of these hole in the wall establishments… except it sucked a whole lot worse.

Buy Haunted Casino or Dead Man's Hand - Casino of the Damned, they're the same damn movie.

Coming Soon: Evil Bong 3-D: The Wrath of Bong

Charles Band is proud to announce the Full Moon 3-D theatrical presentation of Evil Bong 3-D: The Wrath of Bong, the latest entry in his smash hit stoner “EVIL BONG” series. The theatrical release of Evil Bong 3-D: The Wrath of Bong will be presented in 3-D and “Sniff-O-Rama”.

Charles Band, the Chairman and Founder of Full Moon Features was a leading force in the 1980’s rebirth of 3-D. Charles knows what the audience wants out of 3-D, having directed the 3-D features “PARASITE” starring Demi Moore (1982) and “METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN” (1983).