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January 29, 2014

Movie Review: Funeral Home Horror (2013)

I’m a little nervous about reviewing the movie of someone I know. Technically, I don’t think we’ve ever met but he is a member of the same writer’s group I’m in so there’s still that connection, even if it’s ethereal. I’m especially nervous because I did not enjoy the movie this chap made and though I told him that, I didn’t clarify that if/when I review it, I’d most likely shred it. It’s not the camp that bothers me, virtual friend. Camp is what makes low-budget independent films fun. It was ...everything else.

Funeral Home Horror is a short 40-minute (thank the gods) film hosted by some Crypt Keeper wanna be in a wheelchair with a cheap Halloween store mask. He tells us the tale of the Krummer funeral home. It begins 3 years earlier where the owner/operator is such a cheap fucking bastard that instead of burying the loved ones of people who pay him to do just that, he sells the parts of the deceased for cash. Or he’ll say he’ll take care of the burial but ends up dumping the corpses in the lake because it’s too expensive to do otherwise. Unfortunately one of the bodies he plans to dump is a Wight, or ghoul, and it attacks him before he can dispose of it.

Fast forward to 3 days ago and a real estate agent it checking out the now abandoned funeral home to see if it’s worth anything. It’s pretty much a rat infested shit hole but she really has to pee in what can’t possibly be a functioning toilet or any kind of sanitary...anything. But when you gotta go, you gotta go. Too bad for her the Wight is still around.

Now it’s present day. And while movers are hired to clean out the funeral home (and get murdered by the still resident Wight), a group of young folks complain about being bored and are trying to figure out what to do. One of them describes the funeral home that is rumored to be haunted by a ghoul, or Wight, or whatever the fuck it is (WHICH HE SAID THREE TIMES - those exact words, three times, I’m serious). Let’s go hang out there!

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Lots of bare breasts later, everyone is dead except one. But you wouldn’t believe me if I told you who it is because it’s completely implausible who he/she so I won’t bother.

Tacked on to the end of the flick are 3 mini vignettes (superfluous redundancy anyone?). I don’t remember a damn thing about any of them and I don’t know why they’re even included.

Tha end.

There was so much wrong with this movie I just don’t know where to begin. I understand the basic story line but it jumped all over the place so it was difficult to keep track of what the fuck was going on. The editing was awful. The jumps from potential victim to corpse were erratic. One minute a half naked chick covered with a hand towel answers the door and a split second later she’s dead.  

The sound was muffled at best or non existent at worst. It’s probable the two random chick victims explained their presence when they first appeared on screen but I’ll never know because someone forgot to turn on the microphone. And what’s with the “mysterious stranger” who keeps showing up to help out but whose character is never explained or given back story? And there’s a psycho killer running around PLUS the Wight? Way too much hubbub going on for so short a movie.

It almost goes without saying but the acting was terrible. I pretty sure the ladies were only hired for their boobs (and some of them did have some decent racks). Although I have to say I felt some real potential from the female mover, the only woman NOT to get naked. Coincidence? I think not.

Since IMDB and the DVD case show conflicting info (my ‘friend’ either wrote and produced or directed the film), I’m going to guess this is his first time at either helm. It’s great that he had the passion and drive to put his vision to celluloid and I’m sure if he continues, his movies can only get better. I hope you keep at it! But your maiden voyage left a lot to be desired.

0 hatchets (out of 5)

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