A Binge too Far #48: The epic Conan duo (1982 – 1984)

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Despite his limited skills as an actor and mostly with dialogue, Arnold Schwarzenegger was undeniably star material, and with very few lines to deliver he employed his otherworldly posture in order to become Conan, in a couple of films that were successful enough to guarantee the second coming of the ‘sword and sandal’ genre.

 

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

 

Upon seeing his people suffering genocide and the beheading of his own mother, a kid is growing up to become Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and fight for revenge, using his god-like strength and his skills with the sword.

 

Based on Robert E. Howard’s same-titled ‘down and dirty’ comic book character that was devoured by fans of pulp fiction, and turned into screenplay format by none other than Oliver Stone (of all people) and John Milius (who also directed, mostly competently enough and often with loads of inspiration), this may not be as risky as its source material, but you still get enough nudity and beheadings to justify its R rating. Produced by Rafaela De Laurentiis on a $20 million budget, it became a phenomenon as it grossed a stunning $79.1 million, singlehandedly spawning the second wave of the ‘sword and sandal’ genre. It greatly benefits from a cast that includes James Earl Jones and Max Von Sydow, but its true power is the game-changing soundtrack by Basil Poledouris.

 

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

 

Evil Queen Taramis of Shadizar [Sarah Douglas from Superman (1978)] is testing the strength of Conan (returning Arnold Schwarzenegger) and his (comic relief) sidekick Malak [Tracey Walter, later in Batman (1989)] and once that is proven they are assigned to aid her niece, Princess Jehnna [Olivia d’Abo, later in Point of No Return (1993)] to a journey gain back a precious horn jewel.

 

Based on Robert E. Howard’s comic book, this time the story was turned into a screenplay by Stanley Mann, while directorial duties went to Richard Fleischer, who is handling the material with the same gusto dictated by the original outing. Its sensibilities however are approached in different manner, and while there are a few beheadings on display, the nudity is notably absent and a ‘safe for all’ PG rating resulted. This sequel is not as lively, but it is also not entirely soulless, mainly due to the excellent work of composer Basil Poledouris. It was once again produced by Rafaela De Laurentiis on an $18 million budget, but it grossed a mere $31 million and the sequel promised on the end credits never materialized.

 

Afterword

 

Robert E. Howard’s works were also the inspiration behind the similar Red Sonja (1985), also featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Conan was the subject of several 1990s animated series, as well as an ill-fated live action series that lasted a mere one season. In the 2000s Conan fans were treated to a few video games featuring their favourite barbarian, but it was in 2011 that we saw him returning to the big screen in live action form with Conan the Barbarian featuring Jason Momoa in the title role.

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Movie Review: Maggie (2015, Blu-ray)

Reviewed by: James D.

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes to the art-house in a zombie drama called Maggie. Directed by first time film director Henry Hobson, we explore a scaled back Arnold who is stripped away of his action persona and those campy one liner’s. In this film he portrays everyday man Wade Vogel. Wade has a problem though, his 16 year old daughter Maggie was infected by a zombie.

As the film opens he goes to the hospital to pick her up where the nurse informs him that she is going to go into the quarantine. Wade will have none of that as he takes her home. It seems that when people are infected with this virus, they are automatically stuck in quarantine to contain the virus and not infect anyone else. While we do get some zombies here and there, Maggie is more of a drama with a horror film backdrop. As this film explores a father in the last weeks with his daughter before she fully turns into a zombie. The first time director really steers clear of the horror film clichés and zombie clichés as well. As he gives us a character study on a father coming to terms with losing his daughter and if he can truly let go of her.

Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! #132 - Old School

Kevin gets into some old stuff this week with some things that harken back to his past. He reviews the Showtime series Dave's Old Porn, the documentary Bronies, Expendables 2 and The Last Stand.

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Movie Review: The Expendables 2 (2012)

Directed by Simon West
Starring Sylvester Stallone, Liam Hemsworth and Randy Couture
Run Time: 103 minutes

The team from The Expendables is back in action once again and this time they sign on for a mission that looks like an easy paycheck for Barney and his band of old-school mercenaries. But things go sour, and one of their own is killed by a psychotic terrorist-for-hire. Hell bent for payback, they cut a swath of destruction through enemy territory and mow down everything in their path. In the midst of the mayhem, they must also shut down an unexpected threat in the nick of time- preventing five tons of weapons grade plutonium from falling into the wrong hands, as well as save a village that is being tortured and used as slave labor by the mercenaries.

Movie Review: Total Recall (1990, Blu-ray)

Arguably one of the best early 90's sci-fi/action films, Total Recall, is seeing a release to the Blu-ray format thanks to the folks at Lionsgate films. This classic Arnie vehicle is also seeing a remake starring Colin Ferrell and Jessica Biel. Next to Terminator and Terminator II: Judgment Day it's my personal favorite movie starring the "Governator" himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger. To put it mildly, I'm very pleased to see this film in High Definition.

Based on Philip K. Dick's short story We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, Paul Verhoeven's Total Recal has Arnie as our titular charachter Douglas Quaid. A hard-working construction worker and loyal husband to his wife (Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct) just looking for a little escape.

Movie Review: Christmas in Connecticut (1992)

Oh my. My oh my. I think I’ve actually crossed over into an alternate reality… oh, wait. It’s just another remake. Alas, Day 7 of the David Hayes 12 Days of Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza is now boarding. Where we headed, Cap’n? To Connecticut!

On the seventh day of Christmas, the Head Cheese gave to me… seven has-been talents.

In 1945 Barbra Stanwyck and Dennis Morgan starred in a charming little holiday film about a deceitful television cook, a bona fide hero and how love is a powerful thing. Jump ahead 47 years and that charming little story is tacked out like a frog meant for dissecting. We’re in remake land and in remake land the rules of common sense just don’t apply. That satirical and romantic tale from 1945 is now directed by the Austrian Weed Machine himself, the slayer of all things nasty and soon-to-be former Governator of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. See what I mean about remake land? It’s like physics just don’t apply. When Ah-nold is joined by, quite possibly, the recipient of the first facelift and Blade’s assistant not even the tenuous hold that remake land has on reality is enough to protect us from Christmas in Connecticut.

Buy Christmas in Connecticut on DVD!