Movie Review: Cleavagefield (2009)

I knew better. I knew better. I knew better. I knew that watching a movie called Cleavagefield would be a bad idea. I knew it would suck. I knew that there would be a lot of nudity and that, my dear friends, was the only reason I stuck around. Earlier in my film career I was dealt a horrific blow. Being young, broke and semi-retarded, I flew to the beautiful shores of California to be in a good friend of mine’s feature film. We were shooting a monster movie and, in my naivety, I thought this would be the greatest film ever made. It was not, in retrospect, but we did have fun and I made friends that have lasted in upwards of a decade. Nevertheless, during the production of this epic I learned a hard lesson. I had thought, due to my participation in boobie-filled masterpieces like Shower of Blood, that nudity of any kind was not only good, but necessary. I discovered, much to my own chagrin and completely by surprise, that there is such a thing as bad nudity. I know the twenty-somethings out there just sucked in a shocked breath and the sixty-somethings, bereft of mammaries of any kind for a long time, just shook their heads in shame. You thirties through the fifties, though, you know. The pair of ‘breasts’ that graced that film were not only horrible, but resembled two fly strips stapled to Alice Cooper’s chest. The title of the film will, of course, remain nameless, but the mental scars remain. These scars were re-opened by Cleavagefield and, not content to make me go fetal and sob like Jeff at a Chinese buffet, the bastards shot salty fluids into the wounds. Aargh.

Movie Review: Screwballs (Blu-ray, 1983)

During the mid-eighties, the nine year-old me occasionally had had access to the to the late-night cable that frequently showed fare that was not quite for the eyes and ears of my corruptable being. After seeing Porky’s (thanks to my older brother renting it) all I wanted was to see was more films like it – filled with boobs, bad jokes and even more boobs. Although it was the pre-chili peeling years, I still had an early admiration for the female form.  

The High School and college T&A flick seemed to pop up around the same time Joe D’Amato’s Emmanuelle entries where broadcasted on cable which made myself a happy youngster. In the wee hours one Friday night I saw Rafael Zielinski Screwballs, a film that would stick with me for years and now, amazingly, it is available on Blu-ray by the folks at Severin Films. Who woulda thunk it?

Movie Review: Camel Spiders (2012)

The thought of a movie produced by Roger Corman about killer spiders, directed by quite possibly one of the most prolific titty flick directors in Jim Wynorski (Not of this Earth - 1988, Hard To Die) had this murderous arachnid enthusiast very excited. Not since Arachnophobia, nearly 20 years or so ago, the killer spider film has been neglected. Anchor Bay has just released the superb documentary on Corman, titled Corman's World: Exploits of a Hollywood Rebel so maybe the creepy crawlers can duplicate the success and give us creature feature fans what we need.

The American military are immersed in an intense exchange of artillery with some Arab soldiers in the Middle-East. What both parties don't know is that they are about to be joined by a new foe that will make their little skirmish look like teenagers fighting with Supersoakers. There to crash the party are gigantic poisonous camel spiders.

Movie Review: Not Of This Earth (1988)

by James DePaolo

Plot - When a mysterious stranger arrives in town, he hires Nadine as his nurse. Although the pay is great, she becomes more and more suspicious of the stranger when his request for blood transfusions become more frequent. After some junior detective work, Nadine finds out that her new boss is not who he appears to be . . . and he is not even from our planet!

Buy Not Of This Earth on DVD