Search the Cinema Head Cheese Archives!

July 15, 2015

Movie Review: Blown (2005)

While I’m working on a series of articles reviewing a certain doll centric movie franchise for another site (*coughcough* REVIEW WHORE *coughcough*), I needed a bit of a palate cleanser before I venture into the final phase. Not sure if this movie is a cleanser so much as a vehicle for alien mouth spores that become sentient, take over my consciousness, and make me kill everyone wearing the color blue.

Blown is a movie brought to us by Abnormal Entertainment. The unholy trinity of David Hayes, Kevin Moyers, and Jeff Dolniak concocted the most ridiculous film I’ve seen in a while. And I just slogged my way through Bride of Chucky.

Bobby (Dolniak) is getting married and celebrates with a loud party. His neighbor, a voodoo witch named Esmerelda (really guys?), has had enough with his merry making. She asks a severed head for advice in creating a curse to put upon Bobby and his buddies. Long story short - her soul ends up in a inflatable fuck doll in whose plastic form she exacts her revenge.

To aid us along in this wicked adventure, Professor Vonshtinkenschmockenheir or Vonschmegmahousermeir (Moyers) pops in every 15 minutes or so to explain to us what’s going on, particularly the parts of the film that were too expensive to shoot. When not doing that, he’s bitches about the quality of the film in general and looks increasingly disgusted at everything.

The rest of the film is basically this: Bobby’s friends (Hayes plays Sluggo) are killed off one by one by the blow up doll. Bobby is spared because Esmerelda wants to get out of the doll and take his body (why him and not his fiancé, Karen, I just don’t know) but Karen goes all WWF on the plastic wacko and ends her reign of terror. Or perhaps not.

I’m awash with so many conflicting emotions here. Right off the bat you understand how ludicrous the whole idea is, right? I mean, making a killer sex doll movie was just the excuse these guys needed to film in a porn store, watch porn in the movie, bring in a stripper with the most painfully massive fake tits I’ve ever seen, play with sex toys, make out with sex toys, and throw in random shots of topless women (and David).

Well, they probably didn’t really NEED an excuse.

The acting is pretty terrible. The Overacting 101 screen shot awards for Dolniak were well earned. And I’m not sure I’m totally on board with all of the writing either. Would some guy’s fiancé really bring her friends to bust in on the bachelor party or was that just a convenient victim set up?

As much wrong as there is going on in this film, I have to admit that I did laugh my ass off more often than I thought I would. It’s obvious these guys wanted to write a fun movie that didn’t take itself so damned seriously. And since there’s only about 45 minutes of actual film, how deep can you get?

See what I did there?

A lot of the Prof’s one-liners were hilarious (Did they give cameras to a bunch of 4-year olds? Just ROLL THE FUCKING FILM!). Sluggo’s shower scene was both unsettling and arousing at the same time - in the most hilarious way. Probably because he wore his hat the whole time. I love that he gasps out his last line, as he dies at the hands of the blow up doll: ‘oh, twist my nipples’. And Eine kleine Nachtmusik plays as the stripper is murdered? Genius.

There are a lot of little side jokes, silly cut scenes, goofy dialogue, and an abundance of parody and self deprecating humor throughout. Basically it’s a bunch of people having fun. While that’s not necessarily a shining endorsement from me, imploring you to go out and watch this movie immediately, at least it didn’t suck as bad as it could have.

1.5 Hatchets (out of 5)

No comments:

Post a Comment