Movie Review: Beyond the Gates (2016; Destroy All Entertainment; Shout/Scream Factory)

…OK, then. This next beauty on the lot…just know will appeal to one’s embraced nostalgic fervor…yes indeed, my fine folks, we have this finely restored ‘80’s model…very unconventional looking, though absolutely perfect, for one who appreciates that which suggests a measure of weathered, low-brow independent sylye…as opposed to slick, polished and princely…and not-totally-abandoned-nor-forgotten obscurity, once having meandered in a bygone age of excess. Why, just look at that wildly imaginative, albeit random array of curves, corners and points…that varied and eclectic pallet of bleached, though still madly vibrant and contrasting colors, shades & hues. There’s no mistaking it…absolutely screams ‘80’s, doesn’t it?? Hell, yes…feel free to kick the tires…really, aren’t they oh-so uncompromising…so unyielding, and yet, measurably restrictive and reserved, in the sense that they know very well what they are and aren’t capable of. Oh, and by all means, please…feel free to step inside, and take a seat. Yes, take a deep and elating whiff of that interior…that distinctly familiar and provocative air of a time when opportune and spontaneous chances taken…were daring, unconventional, and oh-so imaginatively pretentious…

…it may not be an actual 80’s original, but in pulling out all of our trump cards,…dammit to all hell...uh, quite literally, that is...we’re gonna convince you that it is…

…and so, considering all that…uh, do we have a deal…Hmmmmm!!! (…with widened fiery eyes, and gnarled hands wringing…over, and over, and over again…); oh yes, please think about it…

…and yes, folks...we are going someplace with this, be rest assured...heh, heh, heh...

Movie Review: The Black Waters of Echo's Pond (2009, Project 8 Films/Anchor Bay Entertainment)

...oh, that ol' rascally demi-god, Pan...yes, folks, we're talkin' the impish, clove-footed one with the pipe flute, of legendary Greek folklore...often consorting with them pesky, mischievously demonic entities and dark ones, residing in his abysmal lair, Pandemonium (...in learning something new, every day...and now, privy of that word's origin). Tortuously preying upon the eternally damned ones...gleefully partaking of a most sadistic level of entertainment...cruelly exploiting the weaknesses, insecurities, vulnerabilities, jealousies and deceptions of mortal men...if need be, even turning them against one another, for the mere purpose of insidiously voyeuristic pleasures. Wouldn't it be interesting, and wrought with a twisted sense of intrigue, if modern man...who has long since abandoned the classical gods of lore...stumbled upon a venue, whereby the horrors of Pan and his diabolical minions could carry on, in their eternal gameplay of elating torture, pain-infliction...and death. Step right up, folks...gather around the circle...find your token in the game...a game where one is drawn to peer ever so deeply into a watery abyss, in an effort to see one's fate...one's desires...one's true self. Except, such unveiled truths...they aren't always what one expects, and sometimes…well, they ain't too pretty, either...as the following story's hapless and unwary 'players' find out, in the cleverly contrived, chilling and oh-so horrific thriller from 2009, "The Black Waters of Echo's Pond"...