A Binge too Far #48: The epic Conan duo (1982 – 1984)

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Despite his limited skills as an actor and mostly with dialogue, Arnold Schwarzenegger was undeniably star material, and with very few lines to deliver he employed his otherworldly posture in order to become Conan, in a couple of films that were successful enough to guarantee the second coming of the ‘sword and sandal’ genre.

 

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

 

Upon seeing his people suffering genocide and the beheading of his own mother, a kid is growing up to become Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and fight for revenge, using his god-like strength and his skills with the sword.

 

Based on Robert E. Howard’s same-titled ‘down and dirty’ comic book character that was devoured by fans of pulp fiction, and turned into screenplay format by none other than Oliver Stone (of all people) and John Milius (who also directed, mostly competently enough and often with loads of inspiration), this may not be as risky as its source material, but you still get enough nudity and beheadings to justify its R rating. Produced by Rafaela De Laurentiis on a $20 million budget, it became a phenomenon as it grossed a stunning $79.1 million, singlehandedly spawning the second wave of the ‘sword and sandal’ genre. It greatly benefits from a cast that includes James Earl Jones and Max Von Sydow, but its true power is the game-changing soundtrack by Basil Poledouris.

 

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

 

Evil Queen Taramis of Shadizar [Sarah Douglas from Superman (1978)] is testing the strength of Conan (returning Arnold Schwarzenegger) and his (comic relief) sidekick Malak [Tracey Walter, later in Batman (1989)] and once that is proven they are assigned to aid her niece, Princess Jehnna [Olivia d’Abo, later in Point of No Return (1993)] to a journey gain back a precious horn jewel.

 

Based on Robert E. Howard’s comic book, this time the story was turned into a screenplay by Stanley Mann, while directorial duties went to Richard Fleischer, who is handling the material with the same gusto dictated by the original outing. Its sensibilities however are approached in different manner, and while there are a few beheadings on display, the nudity is notably absent and a ‘safe for all’ PG rating resulted. This sequel is not as lively, but it is also not entirely soulless, mainly due to the excellent work of composer Basil Poledouris. It was once again produced by Rafaela De Laurentiis on an $18 million budget, but it grossed a mere $31 million and the sequel promised on the end credits never materialized.

 

Afterword

 

Robert E. Howard’s works were also the inspiration behind the similar Red Sonja (1985), also featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Conan was the subject of several 1990s animated series, as well as an ill-fated live action series that lasted a mere one season. In the 2000s Conan fans were treated to a few video games featuring their favourite barbarian, but it was in 2011 that we saw him returning to the big screen in live action form with Conan the Barbarian featuring Jason Momoa in the title role.

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PSYCHO APE MOVIE REVIEW

Despite the vitriol I spew in many of my reviews here at CHC, I do actually enjoy watching indie horror films. Sure, there are a lot of shit piles to dig through to find that one perfect undigested kernel of corn. And though that can be exhausting, it makes it worthwhile if I can find a film that’s entertaining and done well, despite budgetary and talent pool limitations.

This is not one of those films.

Psycho Ape is a ridiculous story about an ape wearing tennis shoes that, 25 years ago, escaped from the Detroit Zoo and went on a murderous rampage. For some reason, he homes in on a slumber party of a half a dozen young women and he kills all of them except for Nancy, the ape enthusiast, who faints with delight at the sight of the beast.

The zookeeper/animal psychologist, Dr. Zoomis, who is trying to track down the ape, loses its trail, thus beginning his decades-long obsession with the animal.

25 years later, the ape has been continuing its murderous ways. Even though it has a house and built a good life for itself, it just keeps killing. Eventually, the ape finds the long-disappeared Nancy, and they get along great. In fact, she even encourages the brutal beast to slay people who annoy her.

But don’t worry. Dr. Zoomis catches up to them and captures the ape. After ANOTHER 25 years, the creature escapes AGAIN, hooks up with Nancy, and a final fight up the Empire State Building (a la King Kong) ensues. Dr. Zoomis is thrown off; the ape is thrown off. Nancy survives only to be joined by a somehow no longer dead Dr. Zoomis, and they walk off into the sunset, holding hands.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

FOR.

REAL.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Now, to clarify, this is a comedy/horror. It is meant to be farce, silly, ridiculous, over the top, absurd. I know that because the inconsistencies in story and editing and sound and continuity and quality cannot convince me otherwise. Even one of the beginning title cards says this movie is, “the dumbest, cheapest one of them all.”

And I can appreciate that honesty.

I have to admit that I really did enjoy the kills. Death by banana was a fun gag, though not the only way the psycho ape killed people. The f/x was a mix of absolute shite CGI and practical stuff. They were…meh.

I did chuckle a couple of times but most of the humor was a big miss. Nearly every scene had elements or was in its entirety some kind of parody of a larger, more well-known franchise. After a while, that loses its impact and becomes quite tiresome. And don’t get me started on the ten-minute filler scene of two trick-or-treaters arguing about what the best animated film is, or whatever the FUCK they were talking about, while the crew decides to stop filming and join the conversation.

Like, what the hell was that? I actually tuned out and stopped watching the movie until the scene changed and someone either died or started yelling. I honestly don’t remember.

Open wide for my beautiful banana...

And perhaps the explanation of what characters were doing after the events of the film was meant to be funny, considering most of them died at some point. But it honestly just felt like a cheap cop-out and lazy writing. Though it did open it up for Psycho Ape 2.

WHYYYYY though? Who asked for that??

Anyway, though there was obviously passion and fun built into this movie, I cannot recommend it for any sane person to watch. Even someone like me, who is secretly a twelve-year old boy, can only tolerate so much in one sitting.

.5 hatchet out of 5

 

 

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A Binge too Far #47: The Twister duo (1996 - 2024)

Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton in Twister (1996)

Happy New Year! For me New Year’s Eve is always about changes and setting new goals. Well, for starters, I thought I’d change the way my posts work in Cinema Head Cheese. You’ll still be getting one post per month by yours truly but for 2025 you’ll have only one Static Age installment (that will essentially make the television column annual and will be published in December, in order to wrap things up on the small screen front), and for all other months (January to November) you’ll have A Binge too Far installments (most of them covering a duo of films, or even a trilogy). In other words, every eleven A Binge too Far posts, will be followed by one Static Age post. I decided upon this new arrangement in order for Static Age to grow even bigger and include more content each time (I’m thinking more than 3,000 words and more than twenty series or forty subjects overall tackled per post), while of course A Binge too Far will remain pretty much the same, featuring a special each time that’ll included a couple reviews of a duo of films or a trilogy. Got it?

 

Twister (1996) poster

Twister (1996)

 

A couple on the verge of divorce (a tornado expert meteorologist played by Helen Hunt and television weather forecaster played by Bill Paxton) has to overcome its differences and tensions in order to work against a combination of tornados by employing a recently-invented device.

 

Backed by Warner Bros, Universal Pictures, and Amblin Entertainment, with a lavish $92 million budget, this studio project ensured that director Jan de Bont [Speed (1994)] would have everything at his disposal in order to create a bombastic blockbuster; which is exactly what he did, as a perfect combination of surprisingly believable CGI and practical havoc is blended perfectly and results into a fascinating picture, much more enjoyable than its subject matter would have you expect. It made $495.7 million at the box-office and it became the second highest grossing film of 1996.

 

Twisters (2024) poster

Twisters (2024)

 

Traumatized by the death of her colleagues many years ago, meteorologist Kate Carter (the gorgeous Daisy Edgar-Jones) moves to New York in order to approach science in more conventional manner, but when the chance arises she returns to Oklahoma to chase tornados, where she meets local twister wrangler superstar Tyler (Glen Powell), only to create a completion between their two teams.

 

Directed by Lee Isaac Chung, this belated standalone sequel to the mid-1990s blockbuster is a sensation in itself, featuring bombastic tornado scenes – mostly rendered with surprisingly believable CGI – and a country rocking soundtrack, as well as a great cast. It is very enjoyable and an overall better film than the original. It was budgeted at $155 million and it grossed $369.7 million.

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