Despite the vitriol I spew in many of my reviews here at
CHC, I do actually enjoy watching indie horror films. Sure, there are a lot of
shit piles to dig through to find that one perfect undigested kernel of corn.
And though that can be exhausting, it makes it worthwhile if I can find a film
that’s entertaining and done well, despite budgetary and talent pool
limitations.
This is not one of those films.
Psycho Ape is a ridiculous story about an ape wearing
tennis shoes that, 25 years ago, escaped from the Detroit Zoo and went on a
murderous rampage. For some reason, he homes in on a slumber party of a half a
dozen young women and he kills all of them except for Nancy, the ape
enthusiast, who faints with delight at the sight of the beast.
The zookeeper/animal psychologist, Dr. Zoomis, who is trying
to track down the ape, loses its trail, thus beginning his decades-long obsession
with the animal.
25 years later, the ape has been continuing its murderous
ways. Even though it has a house and built a good life for itself, it just
keeps killing. Eventually, the ape finds the long-disappeared Nancy, and they
get along great. In fact, she even encourages the brutal beast to slay people who
annoy her.
But don’t worry. Dr. Zoomis catches up to them and
captures the ape. After ANOTHER 25 years, the creature escapes AGAIN, hooks up
with Nancy, and a final fight up the Empire State Building (a la King Kong)
ensues. Dr. Zoomis is thrown off; the ape is thrown off. Nancy survives only to
be joined by a somehow no longer dead Dr. Zoomis, and they walk off into the
sunset, holding hands.
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
FOR.
REAL.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Now, to clarify, this is a comedy/horror. It is meant to
be farce, silly, ridiculous, over the top, absurd. I know that because the
inconsistencies in story and editing and sound and continuity and quality
cannot convince me otherwise. Even one of the beginning title cards says this
movie is, “the dumbest, cheapest one of them all.”
And I can appreciate that honesty.
I have to admit that I really did enjoy the kills. Death
by banana was a fun gag, though not the only way the psycho ape killed people.
The f/x was a mix of absolute shite CGI and practical stuff. They were…meh.
I did chuckle a couple of times but most of the humor was
a big miss. Nearly every scene had elements or was in its entirety some kind of
parody of a larger, more well-known franchise. After a while, that loses its
impact and becomes quite tiresome. And don’t get me started on the ten-minute
filler scene of two trick-or-treaters arguing about what the best animated film
is, or whatever the FUCK they were talking about, while the crew decides to
stop filming and join the conversation.
Like, what the hell was that? I actually tuned out and
stopped watching the movie until the scene changed and someone either died or
started yelling. I honestly don’t remember.
Open wide for my beautiful banana...
And perhaps the explanation of what characters were doing
after the events of the film was meant to be funny, considering most of them
died at some point. But it honestly just felt like a cheap cop-out and lazy
writing. Though it did open it up for Psycho Ape 2.
WHYYYYY though? Who asked for that??
Anyway, though there was obviously passion and fun built
into this movie, I cannot recommend it for any sane person to watch. Even
someone like me, who is secretly a twelve-year old boy, can only tolerate so
much in one sitting.
.5 hatchet out of 5
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I can’t believe I’ve finally made it to the bottom of the
ginormous stack of DVDs that David Hayes brought me 17 years ago. Actually, it
was more like two, but it felt longer. (That’s what she said.)
ANYWAY....
I’ve got some horror/sci fi classics to review for you
today. The best thing about these genre films from the 50s and 60s? They’re
only about an hour long! The worst thing, aside from the low budget, crappy
effects, and terrible acting, is that with such a short window, most of the
action/storyline is told instead of shown. Oh well. I’m willing to overlook
that when you get monsters made out of yarn and cardboard boxes...
Our first film is Creature from the Haunted Sea, a 1961 beaut
from Roger Corman. In Cuba, Castro has just successfully led a revolution,
ousting dictator Batista. But just because they won, doesn’t mean the Revolution
has any money. So, an American casino owner, Renzo Capetto, is asked to smuggle
a giant box of gold out of Cuba for Castro (I’m not really clear on why, but
whatever.) Capetto agrees, but only because he plans to steal it for himself.
In on the job are his gal, Mary-Belle and her brother,
Happy, Jack (the guy who makes animal noises,) and Sparks (who’s actually an
undercover American Agent.) General Tostada, his aide, and a bunch of Cuban
soldiers are accompanying the gold so nothing happens to it on the way. Capetto
decides to kill as many of the Cubans as he can on the boat ride out of Dodge, so decides to use a local legend about a sea monster as cover.
I didn’t realize, until I started watching, that two of the shorts I received in my CHC tower of DVDs were written/produced/directed/etc., by the same folks - Cooney/Stephenson/DeQuattro as the various writers and T-Nasty Production. So I figured I might as well watch both and review them together.
I’m going into this with a sense of humor because how can these be anything but ridiculous? What I wasn’t expecting was the crazy short running time, particularly on the second one. I didn’t pull out a stop watch or anything but it couldn’t have been more than 15 minutes.
The Dirty Sanchez is about a masked psychopath running around killing random people with a pair of garden shears he stole from his first victim. When he’s not murdering folk, he’s eating canned dog food with his bare hands and raping women BEFORE shoving the shears up their hoo-hoos. The only call back on characters is an adorable couple planning a weekend of lovey dovey kissy bouncey times. At the end of the movie, they show back up in the killer’s sights.
*blank stare*
Seriously the best thing about this film is the cute bra and panty set worn by the pretty blonde. Otherwise it feels completely disjointed, a bunch of separate killings taped together with a common killer thrown in at the end because they forgot to include him in the original filming.
I just have three questions: Was the film quality total crap to make a grind house effect? Was the randomness of the victims supposed to make the killer scarier? Is it called Dirty Sanchez because the killer is a big fat slob who keeps yelling things in Spanish?
Well, I guess it’s only proper that I get back to finding total
crap to review for you all. But I’m not sure if I found it. I’m very conflicted
about this next movie.
The Playgirls and the Vampire is a smashing film about five
showgirls, their manager, and piano player who get stranded on the backroads
during a storm on their way to the next gig. They can’t turn around and go back
to their old hotel – not paying your bill can get you in suds with the owners, right?
So it’s only logical to ignore the sound advice of a local and take the road
that leads to the foreboding castle off in the hills, having to drive over a
rickety-ass bridge to get there, too. The people in the castle will just have
to let them stay the night, if not longer.
I guess uninvited guests make the rules for individual homeowners…
They arrive at a locked gate but one of the girls, Vera, instinctively
knows to try a little side gate that opens for them. Hmm. That’s curious. Oh
well. Good for us, right ladies? They force their way into the castle (not
literally, but they don’t allow the groundskeeper to turn them away and the
housekeeper begrudgingly lets them inside).
The Count Gabor Kernassy wants to kick them out but once he sees
Vera, he immediately changes his mind and gives them shelter for the night. BUT
DON’T WANDER THE HALLS OR SNOOP INTO ANYTHING, MMMKAY?
You can probably guess how that’s gonna go.
After the Count creepily spies on Vera through her bedroom
window, they have a nice heart to heart chat. He’s drawn to her, and she to
him, and he must know more about here. BUT MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE FIRST THING IN THE
AM ‘CAUSE YOU IN DANGER.
The best laid plans to do just that aside, one of the girls is
found dead the following morning. She must have gone wandering (like she was
warned NOT to do), lost her footing, and fallen to her death. While the gardener
and housekeeper have a weird argument about burying her ASAP, the Count informs
them they can’t leave or call the authorities about the accident because the
bridge washed out in the rising river waters.
Now that they’re stuck at the castle, much to their manager’s frugal
delight, might as well rehearse for the next show. Vera is too upset and takes
a rest instead. And by rest, I mean she wanders around the castle where she
eventually discovers a portrait of a Kernassy ancestor. And she looks nearly
identical to Vera!
She and the Count have another heart to heart – about the
Kernassy family curse, how it ruined that ancestor, Margherita, blahdeeblah.
And despite his fear for her safety, the Count and Vera make out. She’s now
refreshed for some dance rehearsal.
*l’amour*
Don't move. There's a spider on the ceiling...
That night, Vera hears another creeper around her window and when
she investigates, she comes across the burial site of the former showgirl. And
guess what? It’s empty! WTF? The Count stares at her and when she calls out to
him, he Homer Simpson’s his way into some bushes and disappears. The next
morning she seeks out the Count to demand an explanation and discovers his
secret laboratory. While he’s gob smacked that she actually saw him last night,
he explains that during the day things are cool. But at night, she must lock
herself in her room and never come out, even if he calls to her from the other
side. She can’t trust anything or anyone at night!
You’re all asking ‘why’ right now, aren’t you? Don’t worry. We’re
getting to the exposition dump now.
Apparently, this Kernassy curse is born of blood – it drives the
family line into darkness, into vampirism. Vera’s friend was murdered, so he
dug up her body. He’s been conducting experiments to rid his family of this
awful affliction so no one else will get hurt. BUT DON’T TELL ANYONE, MMMKAY?
It’s our little secret.
Finally, the river waters subside and another bridge is available
so the ladies and gentlemen can get the hell out of dodge in the morning. Which
is good because the murdered showgirl showed up in the manager’s room last
night and freaked him the fuck out. While everyone thinks he had a nightmare,
Vera experiences a little freaky-deaky evening herself.
Someone who looks exactly like the Count attacks her – as a
vampire! But she finds herself in bed, the housekeeper explaining she was
feverish all night. It was all just a nightmare. After you rest, you can leave.
Once packed, Vera runs into the count and, naturally, the nightmare resurfaces
and she runs away from him.
Only to run into him again on the other side of the castle. But
this count is pale, and has fangs, and IS A VAMPIRE! Ooooh, that’s not the
count. It’s his ancestor who is a vampire. He’s the one who attacked and killed
the other showgirl because he thought she was Vera (she was wearing Vera’s coat
at the time). Seems Vera looks like his long-dead wife, so he plans to make HER
a vampire and be with him forever.
Make sense?
The Count just can’t kill the guy. That’s why he’s been
working on finding a cure for the Kernassy Kurse ™. Unfortunately, the other
guy wants none of that and they fight to the death. The Count defeats his
ancestor, surprisingly, and now there’s nothing keeping him tied to the crumbly
old castle. He can tie up a few loose ends and meet up with Vera where they can
be together.
*aaand scene*
Mourning underwear is just that - UNDERwear, you trollop.
While I can’t say this is a good film, I can’t definitively say
it’s bad, either. It had a bit of both worlds going on so it came out somewhere
in the *shrug* category.
I have to admit, the opening shot of the film is gorgeous. It’s
simple – a slow pan from a small high window, where light is streaming through,
down through an underground crypt and settling on a tomb. Suddenly, the lid
slides back a bit, then a bit more, until a hand slowly reaches out and feels
its way over the stone. If the film were in color, that opening sequence would
have been more lackluster. I can’t explain why, but that’s just what I think.
The music is fantastic, but it strangely doesn’t fit the movie.
Where you’d think there should be more subtle tones, it blares out. Where it
should be sweeping and dramatic, the music seems more fitting for a Keystone
Cops chase scene. It’s very odd.
There is enough character development for the viewer to become
somewhat invested in what they do, or what happens to them. But mostly I didn’t
really care, because the majority of the characters are supposed to be shallow
or buffoonish. We understand the showgirl victim is vain and rather
superficial, but then we don’t care that she’s murdered. The manager is a cheap-ass
bumbling idiot, so when he’s in danger, we just yawn and wait for the conflict
to end.
Does that make sense?
It was also pretty obvious that the reason the characters are
showgirls is for, at some point, the women to dance around and strip – which is
exactly what happens a little before the halfway point. I’m not sure where they
got the girl to do the solo strip but she had to have been blackmailing someone
in the production. It was the most lackadaisical, boring, non-sexy strip tease
I’ve ever seen. Not that I have a ton of experience in that department, but I
appreciate the female figure and am not offended by nudity or titillation. I
just felt a bit awkward, and mostly bored, during this scene.
I did appreciate the chemistry between the Count and Vera, as
conflicted as it was (the Count kept warning Vera away because his family sucks
but they just can’t stop making out). Walter Brandi was the superior actor to
Lyla Rocco. I’m sure the English dubbing didn’t help her, but she kept looking
off screen as she spoke, like she was reading cue cards or something.
Quite a bit of predictability with the characters and the story –
EXCEPT for the twist at the end, with the vampire reveal. I honestly didn’t see
that coming and it was quite refreshing to be surprised. Again, Walter Brandi
played both parts well so you could feel the two different characters, not just
one guy switching suits. Unfortunately, when the vampire is killed, the ‘special
effects’ used for his decay and destruction are just awful. Very cartoonish,
and the transitions were choppy.
So overall, the film has ups and downs, good and bad. It’s not
great, but I ended up enjoying it more than I thought. I wouldn’t say it’s a
must-see film, but if you like vampires, Italians, and black and white movies
from the 60s, why not check it out?
2.5 hatchets (out of 5)
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Since one of the films I’m covering today is a short, let’s make this a double review, shall we? You’re welcome. Though after reading the second review, you may die a little inside.
The Retirement of Joe Corduroy (2012)
This short film is a nice little slice of revenge exploitation. I’m not saying it’s superior to most that are already out there but only using up 25 minutes AND still getting me to care about the characters is a pretty neat trick.
Joe is a retiring dentist. He’s not all that thrilled at the reality but seems he can’t do much about it. He and his nephew, Spencer, are really close and share a love of guns. I think it’s implied that they share a lot more and have a great relationship but the guns are the main focus here. One night, Spencer is jumped, mugged, beaten, and left for dead. As he lies in a hospital bed, comatose, Joe whispers a promise to him - “They’re all gonna pay.”
And so Joe starts a new job of taking down criminals, vigilante style!
...ya know?? One of the biggest problems with being a respectably seasoned, knowledgeable and well-rounded horror genre aficionado (...in truth, I can't admit to have seen everything...and I do relish the occasional surprise, in having finally gotten around in catching something, which I've either ignored, or something that has just merely gotten by me...both instances, for whatever reason...but eh, I feel that I've seen enough to justify respectable commentary)...exuding and giving proper credit to everything seen over the years, from the golden age of silent cinema, to today's big screen offerings, as well as the often-ignored and under-appreciated independent productions, produced nowadays...is that this viewer, often times, finds himself quite torn. Torn, with respects to genre filmmakers, who borrow and tinker with previously used, albeit proven sure-fire ideas, throw them into their own perspective pots, along with a smidgen of ideas of their own, stir vigorously, and proudly...perhaps even shamelessly serve up something 'uniquely homage', for lack of a better term. Hell, Quentin Tarantino's been doing that for years, and for the most part, has been quite successful at it, for those who's been keeping up...
...from a filmmaker's point of view, one might imagine that going into films that spotlight drug addiction (...or any type of addiction, for that matter), and stirring in a measure of comedy, in the midst of the film character's catering to, or dealing with the addiction, is a fairly tricky tightrope to transgress. The balance has to be amiable; indeed, one doesn't want to patronize the viewers, in exploiting the addiction facet, to the point where one is basically saying, in a 'politically incorrect' way (...damn, I hate that term), 'hey, lookie here...join the party; this is the in thing to do!' And yet, with too much comedy inter-spliced...in a slapstick sort of way, ironically enough, the same thing seems to happen. Fortunately, for the most part, the lead dudes behind the camera, as well as the hungry, scribbling writers, have for the most part, genuinely managed to assume that proper balance (...off hand, this viewer cannot recall any film, immediately to mind, that otherwise doesn't do this), making that tightrope seem as easy to trod upon, as if the rope itself is three feet wide, and flat. The window of range is so wide, in fact...well, for the indiscriminate, everyman 'tourists', there's the almost countless cinematic antics of Cheech & Chong, or Jay & Silent Bob. But,for the more eclectic tastes, the devoted naysayers reach for cult oddities, like Terry Gilliam's eccentric road pic "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", Gregg Araki's wacky and cartoonish "Smiley Face", David Cronenberg's macabre-flavored dark-humored & surreal "Naked Lunch", or even the recent toke of deliciousness from director Adam Mason...the wildly, albeit darkly comical "Junkie". And to that respectable lot...can we conceivably add tag-team director Sean Weathers' and Aswad Issa's newest production, "Scumbag Hustler"...a quirky and episodic, inner-city staged look at crazed desperation...and appetite never sated...and yes, addiction wildly out of control...to the point where our hapless protagonist, herein, is quite willing to...well, let's take a peek, shall we??...
I’ve been told that Kevin has already reviewed this film. Though I didn’t see if on the archive list, I’ll still assume it’s true. From what was described to me, this movie left quite the sad and sour taste in Kev’s mouth. I, however, enjoyed it more than I anticipated. I mean, come on. The title alone screams steaming pile of shit but I was pleasantly, if only slightly, surprised.
My Stepdad’s a Freakin’ Vampire is about a young lad, Rusty Funkhouse (yeah...), and the typical set up of a shitty relationship between him and his step-dad, Richard, aka Dick. Rusty’s BFF, Travis, also has a dick for a dad so it all works out. Brad, the Frosh, simply wants to be a part of Rusty’s inner circle. I’m not sure why because Rusty is kind of a jack ass.
But it turns out Richard really is a dick. Well, a vampire dick anyway. He kills and turns the local mailman, Chuck, and uses him as ‘muscle’ while Richard searches for an ancient artifact. Naturally, no one believes Rusty’s story about his monster step-dad (despite the blood smears on the attic door - how did the cops miss that?) so it’s up to him, Travis, Brad, and the grizzled janitor, Gert, to find out what the hell Richard is up to and why.
Long story short (too late), we discover Richard is the dethroned king of the vampires and a prop that Rusty’s dad used in his old magic show is the key (literally) to the success of his takeover of the world. He releases a bunch of ancient vampires, Chuck raises some zombie vampires (wha...?), and Rusty’s mom is in big trouble because Richard needs to take a human bride.
...from studio to studio...from distribution company to distribution company...they say that for every great film script, pull out from the endless sea of extensive literary meanderings & cinematic hopefuls, and given it's due, there are at least two dozen or so others...some good, most bad...left to languish, lost and unnoticed. Occasionally, the cinematic powers-that-be, do take a gamble on a forlorn concept...one of those thought lost and discarded scripts, which most have turned their discriminant nose up at...save for that rare and singular moment of unconvention, who keenly eyes a laid-aside script of potential...something which elicits a thought-provoking 'hmmm, that's interesting'. A story interesting enough to warrant engaging, even in the midst of what might be considered muddled thespian in performance, and untried in direction & editing. Such might well have been the case, with the respectably thrilling and intriguing 2010 old-westerner, "Sheriff of Contention", which sat collecting dust on a shelf...that is, until Liongate, of all surprising distributors, recently saw fit to shed an indiscriminate and opportunist spotlight on the little film...to the delight of us devotees of the type of period Wild West melodramas, which in this case, unconventionally assume contemporary conventions, albeit on a forgiveably less-than perfect level of presentation...
...Sheriff Peavy is in the throes of almost overwhelming pressure; the people, whom he serves in the dusty frontier town of Contention City, have expressed a growing loss of faith in his abilities, saying that he is 'used up and burnt out'. The sheriff's gun-happy right hand man, Deputy Conley, has made no secret of his ambitions, in possibly replacing the sheriff, in view of his seemingly diminished stature...and even the town's mayor himself has expressed and encouraged such a prospective changing of hands. And in the midst of such personal turmoil, the sheriff...as well as the townspeople...are horrified and perplexed at a ever-increasing series of heinous and ruthless killings, which have targeted the town's womenfolk...
Okay, people. I need to come up with a new movie rating system. I’ve given films negative scores before (or zeros) but this flick has reached an all time low on my soulcrushometer. My buddy, Tony, suggested a ‘middle finger in the eye’ system. Unlike the hatchet rating, however, the more middle fingers you get, the worse the film is. Thank you, Chemical Burn, for opening a window to a whole new world of suckage.
Freakshow Apocalypse is vomited upon us by Matthew Broomfield (Director, Editor, Executive Producer, Sound, Set Design/Construction, Costume Design, Videography, Lighting, Grip, and he’s in one of the bands that provided music). I assume he wrote it but no writing credit is listed on the DVD and who could blame him? Perhaps he wanted to avoid the angry mobs with pitchforks and burning torches.
Sick of all those well acted ape movies? Tired of seeing top of the line CGI? Fed up with fresh stories and writing? Then do I have the movie for you!
Empire of the Apes is basically THE biggest rip off of Planet of the Apes I’ve ever seen. Oh, excuse me. Homage. That’s code for “I couldn’t think of anything original so I just rewrote something I thought was bitchin”. What the fuck ever, dude.
The story, which is told in a flashback by a man about to be executed, is this. Space ship is transporting a cargo of female prisoners (read: three) to a distant plant where they have been sold to a species that only uses females for pleasure (is there any other use for them, besides making sandwiches?). But the women say, ‘oh, hell no’ and make their escape. Unfortunately, the short range pod they’ve stolen crashes on a nearby planet that is home to a species of talking apes. And by species I mean there are six of them.
The apes decide that the women will make great breeding stock to repopulate their species. Wait, what? But in order to determine which ape gets to breed with which girl, the ape leader, Korg, must bring back The Great Ape Games, i.e. really really bad fake WWE smack-downs. They will fight to determine who gets first pick.
And once they'd figured out the women were from off-planet, the apes must find a way to escape this world with them. Apparently, they’re stuck on this rock for reasons unknown (and who really cares) so when Zantor, the prisoner transport captain, tracks down the escapees, he and Korg strike a mutually beneficial deal. Unfortunately, they both plan to double cross each other.
Murder University is the latest film from Wild Eye releasing. A company that for the past couple of years has had a pretty good eye (no pun intended) for releasing quality genre films. They continue the success with releasing this gem. Within the first two minutes a gal already has her top removed and is ready to get down... what happens? Oh boy, she hears a noise and asks her boyfriend to investigate. He responds "Are you serious" "Yes or no sex", then he says "fine, but you better be ready when I get back". "Get back" oh boy I love this shit. I'm watching a modern day 80's horror film.
He is then killed within the next minute... yes this is pure 80's horror. Then a Lesbian kiss, a few more murders, a chase happens and the John Carpenter 80's style score kicks in. All within the 6 minute mark... then the theme song with the lyrics "Murder University" kicks in... I'm in horror heaven baby.
You know, I’ve seen a bunch of movie listings with some kind of creatures battling strippers in their titles. For some reason, there are a ton of film makers out there that seem to think strippers would make great defenders of the American Way in case of some kind of supernatural outbreak: zombies, vampires, werewolves, etc. For you folks out there that like to make films, what’s up with that?
And so I waded into the naked glittery world of (non-porn) stripper movies with Zombies Vs. Strippers. In the greater Los Angeles area sits the Tough Titty, a quaint little strip club with a tiki motif. It’s run down and starving for customers, so much so that it’s $5000 in the hole and the owner, Spider, is considering selling it to a local land developer. His girls are devastated. But not to worry. A young stud, Spike, has just entered the establishment with $16,000 to spend. So what if he got it from a robbery? This could be the miracle the Tough Titty needs to stay alive!
...ya know?? This viewer gets a fairly good kick out of eager and ambitious young filmmakers who, over the years, have attempted to inspirationally emulate the unconventional and amiably engaged quirkings, which have long set the standard...the alluring bar, as far as embraced genre and cult films. It's a filmmaker's exercise, not unlike that of trying to marry specific chemicals together in a science experiment, based solely on the success of what has been seen before, rather than adhering to a concise list of chemicals, and their concise measurements. Tip the scales on one or more of the elements, to the greater or to the lesser, and the whole outcome might well change...sometimes for the better, and unfortunately, at times, for the worse. Such is the case, as far as director Sam Raimi's unflinching and visceral 1981 horror classic, "The Evil Dead", and the resulting 'homages', alternate takes...and let's face it...knock-offs and copycats, over the ensuing years; after all, some very interesting...and well, at the very least, very peculiar things have been done with the old 'awakening an evil, while in a secluded cabin in the woods' scenario. Most can site the obvious...2012's "Cabin in the Woods", 2002's "Cabin Fever", and of course, the recent remake of the Raimi classic. However, who out there, has seen the emulative 2010 horror oddity, "Primal"?? Or how about the clever and surreal, albeit relatively gore-tame 1990 effort, "Demon Wind"?? And who genuinely remembers the insanely crazed, creepy and bizarre 1970 horror entry, "Equinox", which predates 'Evil Dead' by a decade?? Some, quite memorable...some, quite forgettable...and some, rather under-appreciated. And with the recent homage to "The Evil Dead"...a 2012 Swedish import, simply titled "Wither"?? Eh, Monty Hall...I'm afraid we're gonna have to take (...trap) door number two, on that one, please...
If the title of this movie refers to those responsible for its creation, then yes, I wholeheartedly concur (those people being mostly Steve Rudzinski and Derek Rothermund, co-writers, with Steve also directing, and both of them acting).
In EMD, a seemingly unkillable killer is hacking and slashing his (or her) way across the country. When he (or she) kills Kyle's sister, Kyle demands satisfaction. When the police prove less than helpful, and hardly intelligible, Kyle vows to catch this killer on his own. Even though his sister's boyfriend ran over the psycho’s face with a lawn mower, Kyle just knows the killing isn't over.
With a conveniently helpful exposition scene, the local news reporter explains that the high body count tallying up across the country is the dirty work of the same person who killed Kyle's sister. And this nut job will keep killing even if he (or she) has been chopped into hamburger.
It never occurred to me that B movies could be NOT horror. I mean, if you don't have rolling heads and gushing blood and chewy entrails then what's the point? Well, Dirt Productions has answered that question with Nacho Mountain.
Keefer is your average 9-5 working man. He gets to work, jerks off to a lot of porn websites, takes bets on who can eat how much at lunch, jerks off to some more porn, collects his pay check and goes home to his girlfriend. When the boss man founds out just how much porn Keefer has been surfing, his ass is fired. When he gets home to break the bad news to his girlfriend, he finds her bonking a transvestite. Her excuse? Well, she wasn't quite ready for a threesome with another girl (you know, for Keefer's benefit) so she thought screwing a guy dressed as a girl would be a good start. Yeah. She's blonde.
So now Keefer has no job, no girl, and no place to live. While visiting with his local weed dealer, Coopy (played with an appropriate amount of hilarious twitching and tweaking by Armando Merlo), he's issued a ticket by the local Dukes o' Hazard doucheknockers, Officers Slivjak and Biggsley. As he relates his sob story to his buddy, Meegosh (I shit you not), a dimly lit light bulb moment occurs: Keefer should organize and run an underground eating competition.
“What Really Frightens you” is the
latest film from cult movie director Richard W. Haines. If your a
fan of cult 80's movies you'll know him as the director of two Troma
feature films. Those flicks are 1984's Splatter University and the
classic cheese fest 1986's “Class of Nuke 'Em High”.
The film starts off with a mysterious
writer (Ian Tomaschik) who's currently working for a monster fanzine
“Ghastly Horror Magazine”. He pitches an idea to the head honcho
of the mag to do an article on what really frightens people. Head
honcho gives him the go a head and agrees to publish it if it turns
out decent. The writer heads out with a camcorder in one hand and a
clipboard in the other. He comes across three people in Times Square
willing to discuss their personal fears.
I got to start off by saying I really
wanted to love this movie. Low budget slasher films are a dime a
dozen these days but this one looked different. A return to old
school slasher films with plenty of brutal kills. It delivered what
the trailer promised but sadly the film got so wrapped up in sticking
to the formula of the old school hack & slash that it loses any
surprise and is strictly by the books. This is one of those films
where the DVD cover art is actually more interesting then the film
itself.
The film starts off with a little girl
playing hop-scotch in the center of the road. Not the side of the
road, not the curb but the very center of the road. Said little girl
is hit by a drunk driver and the father of this little girl isn't to
happy about it. The father disappears and a local legend begins to
form. The legend is the man stalks the woods, hunting down drunken
teenagers.
“Snow Shark”... were should I
begin? Let's start off by saying I love two things more then life
itself. Coffee & cigarettes... whoops I mean shark movies and no
budget films. Well Snow Shark is a shark movie and it definitely was
shot for no money.
For me the lower the budget of a film
is the more I like it. I can appreciate C-grade acting, shoddy
editing, dim photography, zero production design and low grade
digital cinema. Snow shark possesses all of those qualities and then
some.
