DON’T BE LATE and PEDIE THE CLOWN: VAMPIRE HUNTER (Shorts) REVIEWS

Last April, I picked up a handful of films from an independent movie maker out of Flint, MI. Tyler Zickafoose (if that’s not an awesome name, I don’t know what is) and his Atomic Swan Films company were set up next to me at the April Ghoul’s Day event, hosted by the Flint Horror Collective. Tyler was extremely personable and was obviously passionate about making movies. I decided to buy a couple, letting him know I write reviews for this website and to be warned that if I didn’t like something, I would shred it like an asshole.

Surprisingly, or maybe not, he was down for it. He also gave me one or two for free (it’s been a while – sorry, I can’t remember exactly) despite my potential assholery to come. Now, nearly a year later, I’m finally getting off my ass to review them.

 

So far I’ve only watched three short films. I thought these were all full-length features so I gave one to a friend, not thinking to review it because it must have been the exception in the pile. If I’d known, I would have included it for this post.

Oh well. Let’s just move on with our lives and talk about the two shorts, “Don’t Be Late” and “Pedie the Clown: Vampire Hunter”.

DON’T BE LATE (2018)

The DVD begins with a few trailers for upcoming projects – “Killer Raccoon Fish in 3D”, some kind of Wings Pizza thing, “Among Thieves”, which tells us nothing about the film, and “Rise of the Ninja”. I’m pretty sure I have the “Rise of the Ninja” film so look forward to THAT review later.

The main short is about a dad and his son heading to the video rental store to get that “dinosaur movie where the dinosaurs chase all the people”. Despite the video store not having a porn section (which this guy should know since he bitches later about being a loyal customer, but I digress), dad gets the movie. The rental store clerk, Mr. Friendly, instructs him to return it by tomorrow at 10:00pm and “don’t be late”.

Despite the gentle reminder, dad brings the movie back a day late and is charged a $2 fee. This is when he pitches an absolute fit, ranting about being a loyal customer and how shitty the place and he ain’t paying. But instead of storming out, he decides to use the bathroom first to take a dump.

When you gotta go, you gotta go, you know?

As you can imagine, Mr. Friendly isn’t too pleased with the turn of events and grabs a rusty hammer to solve the issue.

 

Umm….

Look, I like the idea of it. Short, straight to the point, no excessive padding (well, maybe a little with the additional scene with another customer), shows us everything we need without massive exposition dumps to explain character motivations or plot lines. Granted, the acting is pretty bad, the editing choppy as fuck, and the sound is completely uneven. But I have to say it was okay. Sort of.

3/4 hatchet (out of 5)

 

PEDIE THE CLOWN VAMPIRE HUNTER (2019)

The next short opens with a title screen describing the following footage as found at an unknown location and filmed at an unknown time. Anyone with heart issues should NOT watch it.

Pedie the Clown is teaching a group of kids how to build their own vampire hunting kit. The film focuses only on Pedie as he describes each item while he smokes, drinks, and drops a bunch of f-bombs. Eventually, one of the kids points to a vampire off screen and Pedie steps away to take care of it.

When he returns, disheveled, wig askew, and bible tucked into his pants, he wraps up the show reminding the kids they’ll be exploring yoga next week.

 

Um….

Look, I actually liked this one. The sound is better, the only editing needed was for the commercial breaks, and Tuan Edwards as Pedie was fucking hilarious.

Yes, he was the same guy who played the dad in the video rental short, but maybe since Pedie didn’t really interact with any other characters, it was easier to lose Tuan and only see the clown. Also, he spoke in a high squeaky voice while delivering zingers like “holier than thou water” in reference to booze that, “yes, tastes like Jesus’s piss”.

I mean, I actually had to pause the DVD because I was laughing pretty hard.

I wouldn’t call this a short film. If anything, it’s a great comedic skit – simplistic and funny as fuck – but not a film.

2 hatchets (out of 5)

 

NOTE: I wish I could link something but their YouTube channel hasn't uploaded anything for 8 years and the FaceBook page was last updated in 2020. So...not sure what's up with that. 

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Movie Review: "Circus of the Dead" (2014; Bloody Bill Productions)

...at a young age, nearly all of us are bombarded by sugar & spice fables...the things that jostled the imagination, to a world of wonder...a world of magic and fantasy...a world of laughter...the countless candy-coated 'happily ever after' fairy tales...the patron saints of magic, generosity, kindness and giddy mirth...the egg-hiding Easter bunnies, and the North Pole-dwelling Santa Claus...and of course, the clowns...oh yes, the clowns...those giggly, pasty-faced, horn-tooting, floppy shoed, wacky purveyors of mirth and laughter. And as youngsters, we buy into it all...lock, stock and barrel, without a smidgen of disbelief, or consideration that they just might be something diabolical, beneath the fabricated fantasy folds...

...and when we all grow up, that all abruptly changes; Santa becomes a clichéd symbol of generosity and yuletide spirit...the Easter Bunny, now representative of purity and fertility...the fairy tales, still fantasy tales to be told and read, but in truth, far, far darker in original inception, than the sugar-coated renditions, read to us as children, or gleefully animated onto the screen by Disney. And the clowns?? Oh yes, leave us not forget the clowns. Those so-called 'giggly, pasty-faced, horn-tooting, floppy shoed, wacky purveyors of mirth and laughter'...alas, a resigned deception,. at times...possibly hiding a sadness, beneath the painted smile and the wacky antics...maybe even something criminal, giving underlining and paranoiac cause for distrust, dislike and a slew of unspoken closet coulrophobics. And sometimes, harboring a much darker purpose...something sinister...diabolical...evil...even downright @#$%ing insane!!...

Movie Review: Puppet Show (2008)

Puppet movies can be scary (Puppet Master). Clown movies can be terrifying (IT). Put these two together and you’ve got the biggest disappointment since Ray Finkle missed the winning field goal for the Dolphins.

Puppet Show is about a homicidal psychopathic killer clown puppet, Charlie Chowderhead. That in itself is just all kinds of layers of creepy. We discover through a series of flashbacks that old man Rick Springer used to be the famous ventriloquist, Ringmaster Rick, on an old television show called Circus Town. He and his puppet, Charlie, were a huge success on the children’s TV circuit despite the fact that Charlie looks like he’d slit any random 8 year old from crotch to skullcap in three seconds and enjoy every moment of it.

Michael, RR’s number one fan and journalist, is finally granted an audience with the retired ventriloquist for an exclusive interview. Even though he never does interviews and keeps Charlie padlocked in a closet in the back of the house, Rick deems now an appropriate time to talk about his past. But before he can tell the whole truth, his heart starts to give him fits and he sends Michael on his way.

Check Out Full Moon Features' Indiegogo for "Killjoy's Psycho Circus" and "Evil Bong High-5"!

Movie Review: No Clowning Around (2012)

Reviewed By: Rob Sibley

Have you ever seen a balloon animal made out of human intestines? What about a down on his luck clown who's best friend is a talking puppet? Didn't think so. Well that's what makes Rob Dimensions 25 minute short film “No Clowning Around” so special.

Now I'm hard to impress with short films, usually they try to take a clever idea and run with it but even at short running times they rarely impress. This film is not one of those, it's a statement from Rob Dimension that if you give the man a camera and a little coin he can spin a tale with enough substance to warrant a feature film version.

I must admit, before watching this film I had no idea what to expect. The plot concerns a clown by the name of Mumbles... he's a drunk, his girlfriend is a junkie and well... he just doesn't give a shit about life much. Getting by on bottles of hootch and his one friend the talking puppet by the name of Mr. Peepers.

If Kevin Smith &William Lustig teamed up  I could see the final product looking something like this. Rob Dimension not only stars in the film but also is the co-director/writer alongside the equally talented Matthew Burd, who edited and did the cinematography.

Movie Review: Clown Hunt (2010)

Directed by Barry Tubb
Starring Tanner Beard, Eloise DeJoria and David Keith

Odd, silly and occasionally even quite funny is the best way I could sum up Seminal Films Clown Hunt. On a hunting ranch in Texas, grown men gather to hunt the rarest game of all: clowns.

Once plentiful and common, now one must pay a hefty sum for the privilege of hunting them, and for this particular group of hunters its become an annual tradition. However, this season the stakes are even higher as game trail cams have revealed the presence of the legendary one of a kind white clown, Albino Willy. Unlike Shitty Fred, the sad clown, Willy is dangerous, and doesn't play by the rules. And after raping a drunken hunter who's out taking a dump in the woods, the rest of the hunting party is left on edge. The first morning of clown season brings success to the hunters, they're bagging “sillies” left & right. But soon Albino Willy is striking back at the hunters and along with the rest of the clown herd they begin to exact revenge, “clown-style”. Will any of the clowns survive? Or will the hunters be able to utilize their secret weapon, the Atomic Clown Bomb?

Movie Review: The Clowns (1970, Blu-ray)

Clowns have always been a source of laughter and fear for children and adults visiting a circus. The fact that a character clad in colorful clothing and greasepaint can evoke these powerful emotions is pretty amazing. Director Federico Fellini (Armacord, Satyricon, La Dolce Vita) set one of his most personal works around these men (and women) who perform in "The Greatest Show on Earth". In a sense so much of what Fellini put on screen in his creations were a "circus-type" atmosphere just captured on film - it was only natural for the legendary director to do so. Raro Video US has chosen the Italian produced TV film, Fellini's The Clowns to debut as their first Blu-ray in America on the heels of a previous release on DVD.

Buy The Clowns Blu-ray, DVD or Watch It Instantly

Movie Review: The Last Circus (Blu-ray, 2011)

A little over a week ago I had the pleasure of reviewing a recent Blu-ray release of Fellini's The Clowns. As you can guess it's about Fellini's lifelong fascination with the colorful circus characters. Movies about clowns are a definite weakness for me - especially the ones that aren't family friendly. Alejandro Jodorowsky's Santa Sangre is a great example, as is Alex de la Iglesias' The Last Circus from Magnet Releasing.

Buy The Last Circus Blu-ray or DVD or Watch It Instantly

Javier (Carlos Areces) is a doughy, pathetic, son of a clown looking to fill the floppy-shoed footsteps of his successful father. Making people laugh while performing ridiculous antics would give the young Spaniard all the joy in the world - that is until dad tells him he should be a sad clown. After losing his father in a furious prison break during the 1930's, the film fast-forwards to the 1960's with Javier all grown and putting on his clown gear for his first day on the job.