Movie Review: Meat (2010)

I swear to the gods, Dolniak, you ever send me an arthouse style film again, I will hunt you down, prop your eye lids open with toothpicks, and force you to watch Twilight on repeat for seven straight days. And then when you’re begging for mercy, I’ll put in From Justin to Kelly and leave you there for another seven.

Artspolitation Films (*eye roll*) brings us Meat, an independent award winning film (which means absolutely NOTHING to me if it’s rife with bullshit) about…I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. It’s basically an art film that’s trying to be exploitation and fails SPECTACULARLY. Though I suppose it succeeded as an art film in which case IT JUST SUCKS MAJOR DONKEY BALLS.

Here’s the film description on IMDB:  “A girl is awakened to a world of cruelty, shadowy passions and sensuality.” They forget to mention it’s via a fat, sweaty, lusty butcher while she films everything and all imagery is some kind of fucking metaphor for humanity or something. I get no sensuality off this film. I suppose the cruelty is the slaughter of animals and not getting love from some guy she hardly knows. I guess peeing on someone could be considered a shadowy passion - it’s not for everyone.

Island of the Cannibal Death Gods (2011) Movie Review

Apparently someone at CHC wanted me to be surprised and delighted with the next film in the DVD stack as it had no writing on it. Kind of like one of those grab bags you get at the Dollar store - could be toys, could be housewares, could be a pile of dog shit for all you know.

Guess which one I got?

Island of the Cannibal Death Gods (are you FUCKING kidding me right now? Gods damn you, Hayes) is the story of David, Steve, and Derek (celebrity, his agent, and brother-in-law respectively) who decide to charter a fishing boat for a nice weekend away. Seems Dave fucked up (literally - he cheated on his wife) and the press are getting all up in his business 24/7. 

So they hook up with Captain Robin Murphy (a female captain who’s tough and independent? How unique and unexpected.) and tootle around some tiny islands while the Captain entices the men with local pirate legends, hidden treasures, and stories of cannibals! Before they can decide whether they want to go hunting for buried treasure, they come across an abandoned boat. While searching for survivors they’re picked off one by one. Could it be the cannibals Captain Murphy was talking about? Will they stop bickering long enough to survive this threat? Do any of us fucking care?

All together now. One…two…three….NO!

Let’s cover everything wrong with this film.

1. Sound: very uneven; mismatched vocals; the generic ‘realistic punch’ sound effect made the fight scenes even more pathetic.
2. Visuals: I’m guessing it was the low budget but it basically looked like someone grabbed a camcorder and started filming; lots of shaking and unsteady work - I actually got a little motion sick from it; the ridiculous ‘cannibal cam’.
3. Characters: dear lord there was no one to get behind; cliche bad guys; douchebag and extremely WHINY main characters.
4. Acting: lackluster and awkward; the cannibals themselves were utterly ridiculous (especially considering their zebra loin cloths - pretty sure there are no wild zebras in Florida - and their awkward tribal dancing).
5. Story: unoriginal; predictable; pacing was very slow; death right out of the gate but then it took FOREVER for the next one; lots of exposition dumps.

Okay now the few things right with this movie:

1. Florence LeMerle as Robin Murphy. She was the best actor in the bunch. I enjoyed her screen time immensely and the scene where she’s telling a story to the guys and screams at them, like a jump scare while telling a ghost story around a campfire, was awesome. I got a good laugh at that.
2. The ‘twist’ ending: while the actual plot twist has been done dozens of times, the reveal of it was HILARIOUS!
3. Effects: you don’t really see much in the way of kills (most are done off screen), the few we see include awesome practical effects. I’m so glad they didn’t do any of that CGI bullshit. The dangling eye was my particular favorite.

So as you can see, the good does not outweigh the bad in this flick. While there are parts that were enjoyable, the overall quality is just awful and really not worth your time.

1 hatchet (out of 5)

Movie Review: Puppet Show (2008)

Puppet movies can be scary (Puppet Master). Clown movies can be terrifying (IT). Put these two together and you’ve got the biggest disappointment since Ray Finkle missed the winning field goal for the Dolphins.

Puppet Show is about a homicidal psychopathic killer clown puppet, Charlie Chowderhead. That in itself is just all kinds of layers of creepy. We discover through a series of flashbacks that old man Rick Springer used to be the famous ventriloquist, Ringmaster Rick, on an old television show called Circus Town. He and his puppet, Charlie, were a huge success on the children’s TV circuit despite the fact that Charlie looks like he’d slit any random 8 year old from crotch to skullcap in three seconds and enjoy every moment of it.

Michael, RR’s number one fan and journalist, is finally granted an audience with the retired ventriloquist for an exclusive interview. Even though he never does interviews and keeps Charlie padlocked in a closet in the back of the house, Rick deems now an appropriate time to talk about his past. But before he can tell the whole truth, his heart starts to give him fits and he sends Michael on his way.

Movie Review: Bring Me the Head of the Machine Gun Woman (2012)

A video game loving DJ named Santiago(Matias Oviedo) overhears a conversation he should not have involving mob boss Che Longana(Jorege Alis).  In order to get out of being killed, Santiago says he is able to bring them the Machine Gun Woman(Fernanda Urrejola) - dead or alive.

I'm sure you can guess by the name, that this movie does not take itself too seriously.  Director Ernesto Diaz Espinoza puts this film together in a really fun and creative way.  The movie looks like you're playing the video game Grand Theft Auto in the country of Chile.  Characters are introduced with a video game look and once Santiago gets started on his "mission," you will feel like you're watching the game. The shots of the car on the way to missions and the final battle scene shows that this was the exact look they were going for.

The flow of the film works for what it is going for and the run time is only 73 minutes.   If you're in the mood for something artsy and Oscar-worthy, you will want to look elsewhere.  If you're looking for late night laughs, insane violence and fun cheese then give it a shot.

"Bring Me the Head of the Machine Gun Woman" is subtitled as it was shot in Spanish.  The original title is, "Traiganme la Cabeza de la Mujer Metralleta."

On the scale of up to 5 Pile Drivers, "Bring Me the Head of the Machine Gun Woman" receives 3.

Please let us know your thoughts in the comments below.

You can read more of my reviews here on Cinema Head Cheese and also please check out my blogs, reviews and podcasts on http://maskerpiecetheatre.blogspot.com/

Movie Review: Surreal Sicko/Metalheads (2012, Bill Zebub Productions)

...stepping outside the box for a moment, so to speak, this viewer cannot help but express appreciation for the occasional 'curve ball', thrown my way, with regards to the eclectic variety of films, which are laid out before me, to review; proving an exercise in literary prowess, time and time again, it has taken a respectable amount of objectivity and open-mindedness, in critiquing such films...with a good measure of dedication towards...for good, or for bad, no matter what the subject matter is, or how it is presented...conceiving of what the filmmaker possibly wanted to do or say, with regards to the film, or films in question. With that deftly said, let's move on to yet another one of those 'curve balls', shall we?? And from the looks of things, this one ain't gonna be pretty...

...considering the minimal premise associated with "Surreal Sicko", this ready-steady viewer feels inclined to unconventionally portion, or ration out the threadbare storyline, get right to the heart...or rather, 'meat' of the matter, and pick up the pieces, with regards to premise, as things progress. Of course, taking into account, the exploitatively striking and lurid title of these proceedings, the harrowing synopsis of these affairs (...i.e.,  'a landlord takes advantage of a tenant who is haunted by visions and suffers from mental illness and goes on a rape spree and makes him his scapegoat'), the DVD cover photo shots...even the initially numbing effect of the film, itself, post-viewing...this viewer admittedly had initially resigned this material, in much the same light as the similarly lurid, subversive and disturbing fetish-flavored fare, once offered by now-defunct underground video distributor Astaroth Entertainment, who amidst their smattering of genre fare, which this viewer more readily favored, in his collection (...'The Necro Files", the 'Faces of Gore' shockumentary series, etc.), they also handled the release of sexually sleazy and disturbing (...and that's putting it mildly) micro-budgeted flickage, depicting (...emphasizing the word 'depicting', mind you) scenes of no-holds-barred, extreme rape, forced asphyxiation, inhalants, mutilation, and anything else with similar shock value...

Movie Review: Jesus, The Total Douchebag (2012)

This is a first for me, folks. I know I haven’t been reviewing movies for Cinema Head Cheese for all that long (just over a year) so there are still going to be a lot of flicks out there that will disgust me, bore me, make me die a little inside. But as of June 19, 2014, one day before my 45th birthday, I quit on a movie only 45 minutes in (hmmm...45 years, 45 minutes, interesting coinkeedink). I’m ashamed that I wasn’t stronger, ashamed that I didn’t have the mental fortitude to tough it out. Perhaps, though, I will be able to save one of you from a future of darkness and despair that will be sure to follow anyone who watches this brain-sucking project.

Director and star, Bill Zebub (I shit you not), brings us Jesus, The Total Douchebag. It’s an overreaching, try-too-hard-because-I-want-people-to-think-I’m-edgy satire about Jesus, God, and all religion in general. I hate to break it to you, Bill, but you are neither original nor interesting with this theme. Atheism and agnosticism is what all the cool kids are playing at and you come off as the hipster wanna-be at the tail end of the skinny jeans and beard trend.

MOVIE REVIEW: Argento's Dracula (2013, DVD)

Review By: Rob Sibley

Argento... Argento... how the mighty have fallen. I'm kidding, I know Drac 3D has become a running joke ever since the "praying mantis" scene from the first teaser trailer leaked, people joke about this film. Is it a cheese fest? Yes, you bet your ass it but it's also a lot fun. Sure this is pure "cinema head cheese" pardon the plug but you're already reading this, so good for you.

Now we'll get to what the film does right and what it does wrong, this will be a shorter review because it's an easy film to spoil, it really is. Before you watch this film, think of the worst Hammer Horror vampire film, then add buckets of "Mother of tears" style gore and plenty of T&A. Yes Asia Argento is naked a lot in this film. Within the first 10 minutes you see torture, nudity, sex, and major carnage.

Movie Review: House On Straw Hill (1976, Blu-ray/DVD combo, Severin)

Review By: Rob Sibley

Let me start off by saying I've been trying to track this film down since I was thirteen years old. I was twelve when I first saw "Blood for Dracula" which started my love for all things Udo Kier. I searched and searched for this film with no luck. Thirteen years later, finally the film sees the light of day in the U.S. on glorius Blu-ray no less from Severin. Which is a company run by fans for fans of cult cinema.

This release was easily the most anticipated release of 2013 for me. I mean waiting and searching 13 years for a film and then finally to see it announced I was nothing short of amazed. Now thirteen years is a lot of time to build up hype and expectations. Did the film live up to it's name, was it deserving the video nasty label and being banned? No, it should have been banned. Despite some violence and an abundance of excellent nudity, the film is directed with pure class by James Kenelm Clarke. Who's only film I was familiar with was "Let's get laid" starring sex kitten Fiona Richmond.

Movie Review: Night Of The Tentacles (2012, DVD)

Review By: Rob Sibley

 

This is the first film of Dustin Mills I've ever seen. I've heard of his work before with flicks like Zombie A-Hole & Bath Salt Zombies. I must say I'm really impressed with what he was able to achieve, working no less with a budget of only fifteen-hundred bucks.

The film deals with a fellow by the name of David (Brandon Salkil). A man who's life really isn't going the way he plans. He's a struggling graphic artist who specializes in erotic horror artwork. He lives next door to some neighbors who are constantly causing a ruckus having sex non-stop. Things are looking to good for our dear David. Who's sole pleasure in life in waiting for his down stares pregnant neighbor Esther (Nicole Gerity) to get home. Why? So he listen in, ear to the floor and masturbate to the sounds of her moaning, doing the deed herself. Not much of a silver lining in his life eh? 

Movie Review: Climb It, Tarzan! (2011, Independent Entertainment)

Directed by Jared Masters
Starring Jennicka Andersson, Jamie Devitt and Zrinka Dozic
Run Time: 75 minutes
Unrated

The time is the sixties, its the dawn of the sexploitation era and aspiring model Ginger (Jamie Devitt) learns the only available photo assignments are for naughty men’s magazines, and that she must risk eviction or succumb to the sadistic perversions of dominating lesbian photographer Paula (Jennicka Andersson). As naive Ginger discovers first-hand that there is no chance of becoming a wholesome pin-up queen, her secretive sister Janet (Jessica Hichborn) takes a job as a go-go dancer, baring her flesh by night and living out of a Venice Beach sailboat by night.

Billed as a tribute to sexploitation cinema, Climb It, Tarzan! consists of an all-female cast of over fifty young budding starlets, most of which are more then willing to “drop the top” for the camera of the creepy but hot Scandinavian photographer Paula. In all honesty this movie started out quite nicely, with a nude photo-shoot followed by the hapless model getting chloroformed and molested by the photographer. Five minutes in I’m thinking to myself, “Gentlemen, we have a winner!” Unfortunately it was all pretty much a free-fall into the lamest, most yawn-inducing recesses of bad-cinema imaginable from that point forward.

TV on DVD Review: Femme Fatales: The Complete First Season (2012, DVD)

Review By: Rob Sibley

Cinemax... oh don't we all have fond memories of that from are childhood and teens? Coined “Skinamax” back in the day it was always the go to channel for the more risque entertainment when the clock struck midnight.

Over the years Cinemax has evolved, they've moved from just airing straight up soft core films to actually airing their own original content. The results were nothing short of fantastic with shows like “Strike Back” that featured just the right ratio of hardcore action/violence to sex. They followed up the success of Strike Back with “The Hunted” a spy show co-produced by the BBC and starring the hottie Mellisa George. This was a classier show for Cinemax which I am sure is due to the BBC's involvement.

Next up was “Banshee” which is another winning combo of a Twin Peaks-esqe small town but littered with action and sex. Cinemax's latest show “Femme Fatales” is their latest venture into original programming. What makes this one different you may ask? Well it airs during “Max after dark” which is the prime time for softcore porn. So I didn't have the highest hopes for this 14 episode TV show. I expected plenty of skin and hot ladies but expect muggy soft and all around poor direction and production values.

Movie Review: The Blue Lagoon (1980, Blu-ray, Twilight Time)

Review By: Rob Sibley

Twilight Time has brought “The Blue Lagoon” to Blu-ray for the first time and it's a sight to behold. The release is limited to 3000 copies so if your a fan of this picture be sure to obtain a copy ASAP.

Let me start off by saying I am a huge fan of this film. As much as I love a good ultra violent action or horror film I have a soft spot for the lighter side of cinema. I remember staying up till 1 in the morning when I was a kid to see “The Blue Lagoon”. All my friends at school were talking about it. Take in mind when I was 5 years old the film was already 15 years old. But boy o boy was it an event. Everyone in my class was staying up to catch this film.

Movie Review: Babysitter Massacre (2013, Alternative Cinema)

...having engaged and embraced the 'slasher' horror sub-genre at a relatively young age...remembering a time when just about every weekend, during the early-to-mid '80's, there were new, blood-drenched offerings in this sub-genre...this ardent viewer can't help but appreciate the recent wave of horror cinema, which pays a lovingly devoted homage to that bygone era. The best of the lot, not only borrowing straight from the prerequisite 'rulebook', associated with the genre...the masked killer, who's identity is suggested and hinted at, in the course of the film, given a plethora of distracting 'red herrings', but an identity not revealed, until the last...beautiful, buxomous and scantly-clad (...if that) young women, who are dimly aware of 'what happened before', but remain bravely naive and unaware enough, to haplessly provide themselves as helpless 'slasher' fodder for the killer...the one 'surviving' gal at the end...innocent, virtuous, and yet less naive...a fighter, clothed in something next to nothing, and reduced panic-stricken flight...the false scare jolts, followed by a moment of relaxing 'whew', before the real scare jolts kick in...and of course, a generous balance of lingering nudity, and righteous arterial spray...and more boobies...and more blood...and more boob...well, you get the point...but also affords the viewer a measurable caveat of...something not necessarily original, but at least an element...a twist on the genre, unique and individual enough, to make the film it's own creature. Does our newest offering, "Babysitter Massacre", have all that...and a ham sandwich?? Let's find out, shall we??...

The Movie Burrito: Uncle Farts' Dirty Movie Theater, Savage Island, Bigfoot, Pound of Flesh & The Prophecy

In this edition of Cinema Head Cheese’s The Movie Burrito we’ve packed in a high quantity of goodness that's sure tickle your fancy. We take a look at five very different titles that range from soft-core filth with Uncle Farts’ Dirty Movie Theater, the Linda Blair revenge picture Savage Island, John Carradine hamming it up in the sasquatch flick Bigfoot, Malcolm McDowell as a professor/pimp in Pound of Flesh and finally the criminally underrated The Prophecy starring (a pimp in his own sense) Christopher Walken.

Independent Entertainment is doing a similar compilation route that sister label After Hours Cinema (All under Alternative Cinema) has found useful in packaging adult titles, only the compilation that I’m speaking of,  Uncle Farts Dirty Movie Theater is primarily soft-core adult fare. It's not a bad thing though, as this marathon collection of sleaze does have its growl towel soaking moments. Four films are included on this third edition of the series: Adultery for Fun and Profit, Involuntary Bird, She'll Do Alright and First Time.

Movie Review: Lady of the Dark: Genesis of the Serpent Vampire (2011)

Directed by Phillip Gardiner

Starring Melanie Denholm

Eve is an ordinary married woman. A happy, spiritual woman who lives an idyllic life. But events take a turn for the worse when she is apparently bitten by a snake while meditating in her yard one night. And its not just a snake, its a vampire snake that bites her.

Its really hard for me to put into words how bad this movie was. The only thing I could compare it to would be getting water-boarded for an hour and fifteen minutes. In fact, I would happily eat a live centipede rather then watch this movie a second time.

Apparently, it is some type of concept film, and who knows, maybe Iam just not hip enough to get what the makers of this movie were trying to get across to the audience. In a nut-shell, here's how it went down through the first 45 minutes: Girl stares into her telephone, “Dear diary, Iam not feeling well.” Cut to a scene of the girl walking around the house ( insert horrible synthesizer music accompanied by a base cello). Girl staring into her laptop, “Dear diary, Iam having horrible nightmares.” Cut to a scene of the girl undressing (insert rock ballad song). Girl staring into the camera, “Iam not sleeping well at all, I wonder whats wrong with me?” Cut to a scene of the girl slowly walking up the stairs ( insert Celtic folk music). Girl is thrashing around in bed having a nightmare, (insert hard rock song). Now simply repeat that sequence, over.....and over.....and over, until you want to shoot yourself in the face with a cannon ball.

Movie Review: Monamour/ Kick The Cock (Blu-ray, 2005, 2010)

Before I start my review of Cult Epics' Blu-ray release of Tinto Brass' Monamour and Kick The Cock I'd like to open with a quote from a very famous musical artist : "I like big butts and I cannot lie" ~ Sir Mix-A-Lot. Yes, it's true, I do, and that's why the Picasso of the Posterior, Tinto Brass ( Salon Kitty, Cheeky, Caligula) is one of my heroes. Cult Epics has taken the time and effort to put some of Tinto's finer more recent efforts in Hi-Definition. Here's a look at their two-disc Blu-ray release of Monamour and Kick The Cock.

Get Monamour and Kick the Cock 2-Disc Blu-ray

Movie Review: Erotic Escape (1985, One 7 Movies)

Reviewed By Travis G.

Wow, when I saw this DVD cover I was like "Hot Damn". ONE 7 Movies a new DVD company which is always a good thing especially these days. And even more so when they are releasing some fun and different titles.  It has a nice bold cover  (Censored though but I guess it’s easier to get it in stores and such) then on the back of the DVD cover it reads..“Erotic Escape is a long lost guilty pleasure available for the first time in DVD. Directed by Nello Rossati of the Sensuous Nurse fame, the film features lots of nudity and over the top violence. Drenched with in mud with nothing to cover her breathtaking body, Eleonora Vallone runs for her life and gets laid to to kill!” HOT DAMN!!! I’m ready to get my perv on….

Buy Erotic Escape on DVD

Movie Review: Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2011)

Growing up Catholic and being enrolled in Catholic School until the ninth grade, I naturally had many experiences both positive and negative with nuns. Most of which were unfortunately the latter. These sisters weren’t the easiest on the eyes, as most resembled Robbie Coltrane's drag portrayal from Nuns on the Run. Joseph Guzman's Nude Nuns with Big Guns doesn't have the fugly nuns that I grew up with on display, but it does offer more than enough gratuitous skin and gun-toting, revenge-seeking nuns.

Buy Nude Nuns With Big Guns on Blu-ray and DVD