Christmas Horror Capsule Reviews

I realize there are more holiday movies to watch than I could fully analyze. So I thought it might be fun to do capsule reviews of holiday horrors that are available on streaming services. Obviously, I don’t have access to all of them so let’s hit up what’s on Tubi.

And if you don’t know what Tubi is, why are you even here? You’re obviously not one of us. Off you must fuck.

DISCLAIMER: I decided to just highlight Tubi because after watching nine films, I wanted to set myself on fire. Ain’t no way I can watch the twenty offerings remaining on Tubi, let alone manage everything else on Prime, Shudder, YouTube, and Netfl…well, maybe not Netflix.

Do. Better. Netflix. (But don’t get rid of your Korean dramas, I beg you.)

Annyeonghaseyo

Holiday Hell

A woman goes into a curio shop to find a Christmas gift for her sister. The shopkeeper regales her with the terrifying tales of different items.

Jeffrey Combs. That’s it. That’s the only reason you need to go watch this. Do it. NOW. Seriously, this is the best film on the list and has a nice, if not predictable, little twist at the end.

 

Hell on the Shelf

A movie of found footage from a paranormal investigative crew in a supposedly haunted house.

Nothing new here. The origin story is about a pair of twin boys who fought over an Andy Elf doll, a doll that possesses whoever touches it and brings a bad fate, and one boy ends up dead. Terrible acting. Cheap effects for camera footage. Don’t worry about blinking and missing something because there’s nothing subtle here. It’s like Ghost Adventures up in this bitch, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.

 

The Killing Tree

Years ago a psycho killed a bunch of people he thought didn’t celebrate Christmas the right way. After his execution, his grieving widow puts his soul into a Christmas tree. Now he can continue his murder spree and finally kill the one that got away.

Just terrible; goofy special f/x; incredibly thin plot. Everything is awful.

It really is

The 12 Slays of Christmas

Three titty women become stranded in a snowstorm and take shelter in a mansion owned by a creepy old dude. He shares a plethora of terrifying tales with them, twelve to be exact.

The creepy old man, Ignacio Harrington (great name), is a fun character and the actor is fantastic. The three women can’t act for shit and the one who plays Christine looks like she has pink eye. It’s very distracting. But this is a most egregious self-service “film.” The twelve tales are basically trailers or snippets from eleven different Full Moon features, and the twelfth slay was the three women turning into monsters and killing the old man. Ooops, spoiler alert. This was a trailer compilation disguised as an anthology. As much as I love Charles Band, I was kinda mad when I finished this up. Luckily, it’s only forty minutes.

 

Sister Krampus

Two sisters visiting Europe during Christmas time cross paths with Sister Krampus, bride to the horrifying anti-Claus.

The nun gets involved with Krampus after Mother Superior kicks her out of the convent for DARING to be raped by American Soldiers (during WW2). In the present day she binds herself to one of the sisters. Not really sure why but do I care? No. Should anyone? Also no. The only important part is that after destroying the nun, Krampus is so relieved to be rid of the bitch that he restores life to murdered loved ones of the women who helped him out.

I just…ugh.

 

He Knows

Masked killer Sammy the Elf kills all the naughty folks in a small town during the holidays.

Sammy the Elf is pretty damned creepy and I loved the practical effects for the kills. But the end…whaaaa?

Nutcracker Massacre

A novelist visiting her family at Christmas becomes reacquainted with a mysterious Nutcracker doll with a mind and agenda of its own.

Okay, the “doll” is actually a 6’ figure. Who the fuck has a 6-foot tall Nutcracker in their house? The characters are poorly written; the story is the most convoluted bullshit ever. However, points for practical effects and a literal nutcracker death. But Patrick Bergen…what the fuck happened to you that you’re involved with this pile of shit?

 

Psycho Santa

The husband half of a bickering couple, traveling to a family gathering, teases his wife with stories about the legend of a backwoods killer Santa.

While I can appreciate the tales about Santa’s murder spree being shown instead of told, the acting is awful, obligatory nudity tiresome, and the back and forth from the stories to the couple driving gets boring after a while. There is SO MUCH FUCKING FILLER in every scene. This could have been thirty minutes shorter. In fact, it should never have existed at all.

 

Psycho Santa 2

The still alive but burned Psycho Santa from part 1 returns to kill everyone. Or something. I JUST CAN’T. You’re on your own to watch this one.

Cocktails engaged…

Slayed

Five years after a Christmas Eve massacre destroyed a small community, the murderer returns. But someone is ready for him.

Not really ground breaking stuff going on here but the acting is better than most everything else on this list. I have to admit to really digging the characters of Crandle (who was on scene for the original massacre five years prior) and Jordan (the new security guard with a secret – or not really; it’s kind of obvious actually.)

 

All righty. That’s all I could handle this time around. Maybe I’ll try to do this every year but spread it out over a few weeks so I don’t need to get blackout drunk in order to survive with my sanity intact. But I’ve linked the trailers for the capsules and for each offering in the list below.

 

Happy Holidays!

 

Elves

Nights before Christmas

Chrismassacre (no trailer available)

All Through the House

Santa Claws (couldn't find a trailer for this - it's from 1996 if that helps!)

Once Upon a Time at Christmas

Good Tidings

*Jack Frost

Mother Krampus

Christmas Craft Fair Massacre

*A Christmas Horror Story

All the Creatures Were Stirring

The Christmas Tapes

Black Christmas (2006)

*Better Watch Out

Unholy Night

The Santa Suicides

Hogfather

Amityville Christmas Vacation

A Christmas Slay

Silent Night Bloody Night

*Christmas Evil

Slay Belles

*Rare Exports

Bunch of Riff Trax: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians; Magic ChristmasTree; Santa Claus; Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

 

*These are actually very well done films, or so bad they’re highly entertaining, so I do recommend you watch them.

Lurking Terror (2002) Movie Review

I’ve been going back and forth on whether I wanted to review this movie as, you might guess, I didn’t enjoy it. I’m friends with people who worked on it; I’m familiar with those who wrote/directed it and the…less than stellar behavior they’ve exhibited toward their vendor friends and family in recent years. I, personally, have not been a victim of their, let’s be honest, unethical business practices. But I know quite a few who were.

I only say this because I don’t want anyone reading my review to think that I’ve taken up the flag of war and am ripping the movie because I think these folks are big poopy heads and I don’t like meanies. For any review, whether I know the creators or not, I always give my honest opinions. ABOUT THE MOVIE. If a movie is great, I’ll say so. If it’s a total train wreck, I’ll say that, too, regardless of the creators being total shitbags or Mother Theresa reincarnate.

We good? Good. Let’s get to the review. SPOILERS: More than likely I’ll let a few plot points and spoilers loose in the hopes that will keep anyone from watching the film themselves.

Lurking Terror is a 2002 indie horror about a backwoods family that must sacrifice total strangers to a centuries-old curse on their town of Bridelson and the family line. If they don’t, The Evil will come and destroy them all. And sometimes, when they’ve got more than one person to choose from, they’ll sacrifice one and BBQ the other.

The movie starts with three fugitives on the run from police. Honestly, I don’t remember their names but I want to say they are Reggie, Betty, and Kenny (and if I’m wrong, does it really matter?). Reggie has been shot and they need to find help. After pulling off the road, they stumble through the woods toward a house in the distance. After Kenny is killed by The Evil, the other two hide out in the house and receive help from its owner.

Only he ain’t helping them. He’s leading them into a trap - into the waiting arms, and cage, of the family. Betty will be sacrificed to The Evil and Reggie…well, he’s wounded and won’t make a proper offering. Plus, they haven’t eaten well in too long so he goes on the spit! Unfortunately, before they can enjoy him (blargh), Deputy Laura shows up in her search for the fugitives.

They get the jump on her and lock her up with Betty. But, because BEWBS, the two sons get suckered into her cage where she promptly knocks them out. She and Laura escape in a stolen truck, leaving the family to be taken by The Evil, or even just each other as tempers and fears arise.

But just as you think our two heroines are in the clear, The Evil hitches a ride on their getaway buggy. After Betty slams on the brakes in an attempt to shake it loose, The Evil pops up and snatches Laura from her tentative grasp on freedom and safety.

The closing shot is of “some woman” listening to a news broadcast in her car as the announcer talks about the missing deputy. Just then the car passes the sign to Bridelson where Deputy Laura’s head sits atop a pike.

HOW DOES NO ONE NOTICE THIS??

 

Oy, where to begin? Let me get all the bad out of the way first (believe it or not, there are a couple things I enjoyed while watching).

The acting is absolute trash. Not exactly unexpected though. The original music is amateur. It sounds like any indie horror movie soundtrack with its distortion effects and gruff voicing. Completely generic. Camera/photography is shoddy at best whether for regular shooting or shaking the camera for effect. Editing is terrible and the slo-mo effect was overused and unnecessary (except in one instance which I’ll touch on in a minute). The blood and guts practical effects are...okay.

The sound is uneven. It seemed they only had one or two mics so not every character’s lines could be heard well within the same scene. But at least there wasn’t a lot of disparity between the dialogue and the sound effects. I never felt the need to grab gauze because my ears started bleeding from decibel overload. 

The story is derivative, unoriginal, filled with cliche characters. Way too many exposition dumps, character ramblings, confusing actions, and things that just made no sense. Examples: After taking off her bra to seduce the brothers, does Betty really have time to put it back ON before escaping? I mean, is that a priority here? And how are members of the family confused that The Evil took their “livestock” after they chained it to a tree, like they do with their sacrifices?

By the way, using the word livestock as code for your human BBQ victims…*eye roll*

The Evil itself is confusing. Is it only supposed to attack those from the original bloodlines that incorporated Bridelson or literally anyone on the land, aside from the sacrifices? Because it seemed to do whatever the fuck it wanted. One family character spits out a quick factoid about The Evil not acting normal, which happened once before, but they never expand on that.

With all that said, though, I did find a few things about this flick enjoyable.

Jamie White, who played Deputy Laura, was actually fantastic. Her acting was top notch and she played the only character I gave a damn about. I’m surprised, and a little sad, she didn’t pursue an acting career. Her final scene was the only time the slo-mo effect worked really well as The Evil snatched her up. It’s a great shot.

The daughter of the family pretending to be a captive before her mother scolds her to help the others - I actually laughed out loud at that part.

The Evil creature itself was pretty cool. We never really get a long close look at it during the film but that may have added to its mystique. I have seen a few still images of it and the overall design is great - giant teeth, moss covered body, and long savage claws and teeth make for a creepy creature!

Unfortunately, those few bits are all that’s worthy in this 74-minute pile of hot, steaming garbage. I can’t honestly encourage anyone to watch this just for those few morsels. Avoid this like the clap, people.

1/4 hatchet (out of 5)

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Clownado (2019) Movie Review

I’m not exactly sure when the tipping point came in the horror/comedy genre, where filmmakers felt the need to incorporate weather phenomena into EVERY FUCKING STORYLINE that involved some kind of predatory animal, usually sharks. Well, not to be outdone, the carnival circuit wants in on the fun, too, and so we have...

CLOWNADO.

I. Shit. You. Not.

Writer, director, and editor, Todd Sheets, brings us the tale of a traveling circus and its troupe of murderous clowns. Head clown, and circus owner, Big Ronnie, finds his darling wife, Savanna,  having an affair with Cash (a guy, not a pile of currency). The two are planning to rob the circus, then run away to start a new life together with their unborn baby. As you might imagine, Ronnie has a problem with that plan. He murders Cash, but keeps Savanna around to humiliate and abuse her.

Well, Savanna ain’t having that shit, so she asks her friend to perform a spell to trap Ronnie and his clown crew in a giant tornado. Might have been more generic, as in ‘get rid of that asshole for me’ but that’s how the magic interpreted it. Either way...it’s a weird way to go. However, it works. The group is swept up into Mother Nature’s vacuum cleaner, and Savanna hits the road, hoping to never see Ronnie again.

Unfortunately, she can’t run far enough. The clownado rips across the country, wreaking havoc and killing everyone, as the clowns seek revenge against the woman who cursed them.

*wipes hand across face*  Where do I begin...

The problem with films that have a multitasking crew member (writer, director, and editor comes to mind...) is that one, or all, of those jobs are weaker for it. To me, the editing and writing have suffered here. The film looks and feels choppy, particularly during the kills. Editing is a great way to save funds on special effects and whatnot, but maybe a separately dedicated editor could have done a better job, and made me feel less seasick.

What the hell are we watching, dude?

The general story itself is clear, but Todd adds in way too many moving parts. Character  development is rushed and incomplete; plot holes abound, or aspects to the cursed clowns are brought up once then never explored; and the whole idea that the heroes need to stop the tornado itself to end the killer clowns’ destructive spree, but once the clowns are killed off by good old-fashioned guns or some stabby-stabby with a knife, then the absolutely ridiculous “scientific” method of ending the tornado becomes a moot point, doesn’t it?

The dialogue is so cringe worthy. A lot of similes and metaphors are thrown around, and the cadence is more in line with the noir gangster films of the 1940s (or Rocky from Bugs Bunny). In line with that, the acting is (wait for it....) less than stellar. It’s not the most horrible I’ve seen; I never felt the need to turn off the film because the performances were so terrible, except perhaps during Big Ronnie’s scenes. I don’t know if he was trying to channel The Joker (whichever incarnation you want to imagine, or maybe all of them) but he chewed up his scenes with more gusto than a rabid hyena.

And, unfortunately, the ninety seconds of screen time Linnea Quigley brought to the bar owner character was not enough to save...anything. Neither did the gratuitous naked titties, nor the lesbian make-out sesh.

Now, all that said, there are a few things I did enjoy. The kills are about 95% practical effects. There are a few blood splatters that are CGI, along with the storm footage and the final kill, but the rest is a good mixture of rubber, silicone, fake blood, and gooshy stuff to entertain, even in their “that’s not how the human body is built or works but whatevs” extremity.

The Gacy Fan Club Board of Directors

And there were two points in the film where I laughed out loud. This is a comedy, so it was planned that way, I’m sure, though most of the humor was more dad than pro comedian. One joke: “This storm is nastier than a $2 hooker on $1 Thursdays.” And just near the end, as the survivors each pop out from behind a wall, in time with an accent in the music, felt very Three Stooges - and I mean that in the best way possible.

Overall, this is a pretty shit film. Maybe if the clowns had been left on the ground and just traveled around being nefarious, it would have been better. I feel like the tornado aspect put a damper on something that could have been more interesting and less trend-whoring. The dissonance between the subject matter and dialogue was too jarring to work well. And the underdeveloped characters floundered in an over complicated and unbelievable story (and that’s leaving out the clowns-traveling-in-a-tornado thing).

I say skip it.

1/2 hatchet (out of 5)

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Movie Review: Almost Invisible (2010)

I actually wanted to watch this instead of a mainstream, higher-produced, higher-budgeted film with A-list actors. What is wrong with me? CINEMA HEAD CHEESE HAS RUINED ME!!

Anyway… My next review is of yet another Chemical Burn film called Almost Invisible. It’s the deep and complex story of a group of young adults on a meaningful journey to find merriment. Also known as a bunch of dude-bros and their hos looking for someone’s house they can trash during a party.

Cue April, the not-important-enough Goth co-ed until she offers up her parent’s house for such a gathering. They’re out of town, you see, so you guys can party hearty there. Devin, the main douche bag, accepts, though no one else seemed too keen on the idea. But whatevs. We do whatever the King Douche says because, not-so-secretly, we are all douches, too.

Movie Review: Hold Your Breath (2012)

Someone needs to improve this Invisalign design that allows the wearer to drink alcohol while they’re in…

Hold Your Breath opens with a flashback in 1956 where the preacher-turned-serial killer (huh?) is about to be executed. Dietrich Van Klaus (evil German…how original) blathers on with some bullshit exposition from the Bible, gouges out his own eye, kills a guard, then they finally strap him down and throw the switch. 

*yawn* Edward DeLacroix’s death was much worse. Just saying.

We move on to the present day where a group of twenty-somethings are getting together for a camping weekend. (and OMG the girls are like soooo annoying. Like HIIIIIII!!) On the way to the campsite they pass a graveyard and Jerry (the blonde annoying girl) freaks the fuck out trying to get everyone to hold their breaths as the car passes because OMG THAT’S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET POSSESSED. GAAAAWD!

Movie Review: Muckman (2009)

While I’m not entirely convinced I’ve not incurred the wrath of someone over at Cinema Head Cheese, I have to say this latest film was not all that shitty. So that gives me hope.

Muckman is the story of a disgraced reality show host, Mick. While trying to prove the existence of a mythical monster, he was exposed as a fraud. Now he’s got a new idea, though not really because it’s just the same shit as before. But the station producer wants proof of a REAL monster, not some crap legend. 

His new crew, and the hot reporter chick from his original show who is a raging diva beeyotch, road trip out to Pennsylvania to find proof of The Muckman, a local legend. After meeting their contact, Hobbs, they go in search of the elusive creature.

Unbeknownst to the new crew, everyone else is in on yet another hoax. They set up ‘proof’ around the forest of Muckman’s existence. Though one member of the crew, Billie, is a hell of a lot smarter than the rest of these bozos and can see through the set-up, it turns out the Muckman might not be such a hoax after all.

You’re shocked, I know. But it’s not just the Muckman these yahoos have to worry about. Something else is lurking in the marshes of Muckman territory.

Nope, not joking.

DOUBLE FEATURE MOVIE REVIEW: Dead & Rotting (2002) and Stitches (2001)

The Powers That Be over at CHC must be slipping because this double feature DVD offered movies that actually weren’t that bad. I mean, I kind of liked them. I don’t think I know how to live right now…

The first film is Dead & Rotting. Three prankster buddies (read: douche nozzles) get a little hex put on them when they beat up the son, Pox, of a local witch, Abigail, after he eggs one of their trucks. Since they have the combined mentality of one 12 year old boy, they feel the need to retaliate. When the stoners they hire to break into the witch’s home end up BOILING HER FUCKING CAT (what the hell is wrong with these guys?), the three amigos end up with something a little more problematic on their hands than a simple hex. They incur the wrath of a very powerful sorceress who is about to seriously fuck their shit up but good.

Abigail performs a glamour spell to turn herself into a beautiful, young, big-tittied woman (Debbie Rochon) who seduces the three men in order to…well…let’s just say the unprotected sex between all of them gets her some fluids she needs to birth out ghouls. PLEASE DON’T ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS.

(Side note: they’re all excited about having unprotected sex with some random chick who’s willing to fuck all of them in one night. Is that really a thing? Men are so stupid sometimes.)

The ghouls then do her bidding in capturing the three friends so she can get her revenge. 

Movie Review: The Mutilator (1984, Blu-ray)

Now that the busy season of the hubby’s business is over and October has wrapped up, I can get back to my reviews. And I’m excited to jump back in with a film from the most tubular of decades - the 80s!

The Mutilator (original title Fall Break) begins with the most unfortunate of events. Little Ed Jr. decides that the best birthday present he can give his father is to clean all his dad’s guns. We’ve all been there. Checking down the sight of a rifle and pulling the trigger to make sure everything’s clean and accidentally killing our moms, amirite?

Needless to say, Ed Sr.’s cheese slides a little off his cracker when he comes home to find his wife dead and his spawn responsible. 

Years later, Ed is in college and the relationship with his father is basically nonexistent. Until now. He wants Ed to close up the beach condo for the winter. And how convenient because Ed and his friends are on fall break (ahhh…now the original title makes more sense!) and have nothing to do. So why not help close up the place while enjoying time at the beach?

Because Ed’s dad is a fucking nut job and wants them all dead!! Particularly Junior, of whom he dreams about killing all the time.

Movie Review: Puppet Show (2008)

Puppet movies can be scary (Puppet Master). Clown movies can be terrifying (IT). Put these two together and you’ve got the biggest disappointment since Ray Finkle missed the winning field goal for the Dolphins.

Puppet Show is about a homicidal psychopathic killer clown puppet, Charlie Chowderhead. That in itself is just all kinds of layers of creepy. We discover through a series of flashbacks that old man Rick Springer used to be the famous ventriloquist, Ringmaster Rick, on an old television show called Circus Town. He and his puppet, Charlie, were a huge success on the children’s TV circuit despite the fact that Charlie looks like he’d slit any random 8 year old from crotch to skullcap in three seconds and enjoy every moment of it.

Michael, RR’s number one fan and journalist, is finally granted an audience with the retired ventriloquist for an exclusive interview. Even though he never does interviews and keeps Charlie padlocked in a closet in the back of the house, Rick deems now an appropriate time to talk about his past. But before he can tell the whole truth, his heart starts to give him fits and he sends Michael on his way.

Double Feature from Hell: Hellinger and Holy Terror

That title pretty much sums it up. This write up is the result of me having to sit through two crappy films in one afternoon. So put your big girl panties on and let’s get through it.

Hellinger (1997)

We begin this movie with a flashback to 20 years earlier. Eight-year old Melissa’s dad is being a total dick to her because his wife, her mom, left him. Apparently the little tyke is afraid of the dark and of something called Hellinger, a mythical demon of sorts that she fears will come take her away to Hell. So naturally the dad taunts her because dick and by doing so, incurs the wrath of Hellinger - who’s real, by the way - who pops in just long enough to pluck out daddy’s eyes and deliver a promise to return.

He doesn’t give us a timetable or a reason WHY so Melissa is left frantic, fearful, and fucked in the head.

Now it’s present day and Melissa is in therapy (shocking). Her therapist doesn’t believe her story about Hellinger, even though she saw him the other night! The power went out in her apartment and Hellinger showed up, tore some skin off his face then ate it. He blathered on about how much he missed her. Is he hitting on her or something? I guess yelling at a woman about how much you love her eyes and wanting to rip them from her skull is considered foreplay in the demon world…

Movie Review: Bloody Birthday (1981, Severin Films)

Thinking about having a kid? Want to expand your family so you can have more love in your life (and a lot of snot and poop from what I’m told)? That’s cool. Just don’t give birth on the night of a lunar eclipse. That’ll fuck your plans up but good.

Bloody Birthday begins with a trio of families birthing unto the world three kids - two boys and a girl. It’s also the night of a lunar eclipse. Isn’t that fascinating? Not really. And you’ll find out why.

The story jumps ahead ten years later to a young teenage couple making out in a cemetery. Um, what? The gal is worried about being seen “doing it” out in the open. Really, sweetheart? That's what you’re worried about? The boyfriend is nothing but accommodating so he leads her to an OPEN FUCKING GRAVE where they can bow-chicka-wow-wow in private. And then promptly die.

After the murders, the local Sheriff thinks discussing the travesty openly and honestly with a bunch of 10-year olds is the best thing to do. To be fair, a broken jump rope handle was found at the scene and personally I think they all look like they could have done it. And it soon becomes apparent that three of these kids are responsible.

My Stepdad's a Freakin' Vampire (2009) Movie Review

I’ve been told that Kevin has already reviewed this film. Though I didn’t see if on the archive list, I’ll still assume it’s true. From what was described to me, this movie left quite the sad and sour taste in Kev’s mouth. I, however, enjoyed it more than I anticipated. I mean, come on. The title alone screams steaming pile of shit but I was pleasantly, if only slightly, surprised.

My Stepdad’s a Freakin’ Vampire is about a young lad, Rusty Funkhouse (yeah...), and the typical set up of a shitty relationship between him and his step-dad, Richard, aka Dick. Rusty’s BFF, Travis, also has a dick for a dad so it all works out. Brad, the Frosh, simply wants to be a part of Rusty’s inner circle. I’m not sure why because Rusty is kind of a jack ass.

But it turns out Richard really is a dick. Well, a vampire dick anyway. He kills and turns the local mailman, Chuck, and uses him as ‘muscle’ while Richard searches for an ancient artifact. Naturally, no one believes Rusty’s story about his monster step-dad (despite the blood smears on the attic door - how did the cops miss that?) so it’s up to him, Travis, Brad, and the grizzled janitor, Gert, to find out what the hell Richard is up to and why.

Long story short (too late), we discover Richard is the dethroned king of the vampires and a prop that Rusty’s dad used in his old magic show is the key (literally) to the success of his takeover of the world. He releases a bunch of ancient vampires, Chuck raises some zombie vampires (wha...?), and Rusty’s mom is in big trouble because Richard needs to take a human bride.

I don’t know what the hell is going on, either.

Shower of Blood (2004) Movie Review

I bought this film a few years back at a horror convention because it was from Brain Damage Films. They don’t always deliver great B-movie fare but I was willing to risk $5 on it because I enjoyed Hell’s Highway so much. Little did I know that our own David Hayes was one of the screenwriters. That’s the only good thing about this flick.

Shower of Blood opens with a quick scene of some poor woman being attacked in the woods. Apparently, there has been a series murders in a local forest and she is the latest victim. Cue the opening credits scrolling over a naked woman rubbing blood all over her tithes.

Next we see a group of friends on their way to visit the one girl’s uncle’s house. I don’t know why and I certainly don’t care. But here’s the character breakdown: Lisa (ball-buster) and Kurt (douche nozzle), Heather (virgin) and Terry (moron), and Megan (drunken slut). Lisa’s Uncle Marty, whose house they are traveling to, isn’t home when they arrive but since she’s family she can let them all in to crash and raid the fridge.

Movie Review: Zombies Vs. Strippers (2012)

You know, I’ve seen a bunch of movie listings with some kind of creatures battling strippers in their titles. For some reason, there are a ton of film makers out there that seem to think strippers would make great defenders of the American Way in case of some kind of supernatural outbreak: zombies, vampires, werewolves, etc. For you folks out there that like to make films, what’s up with that?

And so I waded into the naked glittery world of (non-porn) stripper movies with Zombies Vs. Strippers. In the greater Los Angeles area sits the Tough Titty, a quaint little strip club with a tiki motif. It’s run down and starving for customers, so much so that it’s $5000 in the hole and the owner, Spider, is considering selling it to a local land developer. His girls are devastated. But not to worry. A young stud, Spike, has just entered the establishment with $16,000 to spend. So what if he got it from a robbery? This could be the miracle the Tough Titty needs to stay alive!

Movie Review: Everyone Must Die (2012)

If the title of this movie refers to those responsible for its creation, then yes, I wholeheartedly concur (those people being mostly Steve Rudzinski and Derek Rothermund, co-writers, with Steve also directing, and both of them acting).

In EMD, a seemingly unkillable killer is hacking and slashing his (or her) way across the country. When he (or she) kills Kyle's sister, Kyle demands satisfaction. When the police prove less than helpful, and hardly intelligible, Kyle vows to catch this killer on his own. Even though his sister's boyfriend ran over the psycho’s face with a lawn mower, Kyle just knows the killing isn't over.

With a conveniently helpful exposition scene, the local news reporter explains that the high body count tallying up across the country is the dirty work of the same person who killed Kyle's sister. And this nut job will keep killing even if he (or she) has been chopped into hamburger.

Movie Review: Slices (2009)

You know how much I love anthology movies? In case you haven't been paying attention, I adore them. I think it's an MTV short-attention span generational thing. And thanks to David Hayes, I got to watch one to wile away two hours as the subarctic temperatures raged across the Midwest. I'm not saying the flick kept me warm with its awesomeness but it did keep me distracted at least.

Slices is about a man who can't sleep and decides to spend the wee hours of the night watching a Creepshow-esque show on television, Theater of the Macabre, replete with giggling something-wrong-with-that-guy host, Lucius Phibes (sorry, had to do an eye roll at that). And Lucius brings us 5 horrifying tales to help pass the time.

Movie Review: Predatory Instinct (2011)

David Hayes gave me a copy of this movie a couple of years ago but I forgot about it until I needed to find something to review. And as Abnormal Entertainment made this flick, I hope none of my musings offend any of my buds at AE or CHC.

Three young people get smooth talked into attending a party out in the fucking boondocks by the oh-so-dreamy Emmit. (Personally I think he talks too much and sounds like he was raised on Mark Twain and Machiavelli.) Randi's up for it because she a ho. Brandon is basically a male Randi. And Trish doesn't really want to go but she gets peer pressured into it. Ah, youth.

They drive down a dirt road for, like, ever, and Randi flips out at seeing....something. Though they've all been sneaking booze from the bar they work at since the afternoon so whatever. They finally arrive at the house party which in this movie means 6 attendees: our illustrious youngsters, Emmit, his tart, Lydia, and some random dude named Shea (sounds like HEY why didn't I STAY at home instead of coming to this LAME parTAY). I think they need a serious lesson from Kid n PLAY.

Blood Orgy of the Damned (2010) Movie Review

I don’t know exactly when this movie was made. I’m going to say it was about 15 years ago but it was re-released in 2010. Not because it was such a fantastic film but because the audio was completely lost and it was recorded at a live event where an improv comedy troupe performed voice overs as the film rolled. As I have not seen the original film with its original audio, I can’t honestly say whether or not the MST3K style set up I viewed makes this better or worse. All I know is I did LOL at a lot of the jokes. Also, I can’t say for sure what the original plot was so I’m making some assumptions based on the troupe humor.

BUY IT HERE!

Blood Orgy of the Damned starts off sometime in the past, possibly the 1700-1800s. Vampire hunter kills a vampire, who adjusts his wig before he bites it. No pun intended. Bad edit later and another vampire appears before the hunter but he looks like he’s from our time (21st century). He dies, too. So much for time travel.

100 years later (though the opening scene looked more like it was 200-300 years ago) a young girl is leafing through an ancient book. She falls asleep, like you do, and dreams about a vampire staring at her, a la Edward Cullen (I only read the first book, I swear), and then a bunch of hands are feeling up her naked body. For a long time. Seriously, there was an inordinate amount of groping in this scene.

This must have given our gal Friday a great idea because the next thing you know, she and a handful of her friends are lighting candles, getting drunk, and then reading from the book to resurrect an ancient vampire (YOU MUST NOT READ FROM THE BOOK!). They all fall asleep and the women dream about being wrapped in gauzy curtains and more groping.

Movie Review: The Dinosaur Experiment (2013)

Not exactly sure why someone thought the world needed another dinosaur movie, particularly one that touts Lorenza Lamas as a ‘star’ of the film (can Lorenzo still be considered a draw when his screen time adds up to maybe 15 minutes?). You know, Jurassic Park set the bar pretty fucking high and this, sir, is no Jurassic Park.

The Dinosaur Experiment begins with crazy old Dr. Cane as he goes to feed his dinosaur. You heard right. He talks to the damn thing like it’s his pet, about how much he loves her, and how annoying his wife was but how easy it was to get rid of her. Wait, what?

Let’s a do a quick roll call for the rest of the cast, shall we?