DON’T BE LATE and PEDIE THE CLOWN: VAMPIRE HUNTER (Shorts) REVIEWS

Last April, I picked up a handful of films from an independent movie maker out of Flint, MI. Tyler Zickafoose (if that’s not an awesome name, I don’t know what is) and his Atomic Swan Films company were set up next to me at the April Ghoul’s Day event, hosted by the Flint Horror Collective. Tyler was extremely personable and was obviously passionate about making movies. I decided to buy a couple, letting him know I write reviews for this website and to be warned that if I didn’t like something, I would shred it like an asshole.

Surprisingly, or maybe not, he was down for it. He also gave me one or two for free (it’s been a while – sorry, I can’t remember exactly) despite my potential assholery to come. Now, nearly a year later, I’m finally getting off my ass to review them.

 

So far I’ve only watched three short films. I thought these were all full-length features so I gave one to a friend, not thinking to review it because it must have been the exception in the pile. If I’d known, I would have included it for this post.

Oh well. Let’s just move on with our lives and talk about the two shorts, “Don’t Be Late” and “Pedie the Clown: Vampire Hunter”.

DON’T BE LATE (2018)

The DVD begins with a few trailers for upcoming projects – “Killer Raccoon Fish in 3D”, some kind of Wings Pizza thing, “Among Thieves”, which tells us nothing about the film, and “Rise of the Ninja”. I’m pretty sure I have the “Rise of the Ninja” film so look forward to THAT review later.

The main short is about a dad and his son heading to the video rental store to get that “dinosaur movie where the dinosaurs chase all the people”. Despite the video store not having a porn section (which this guy should know since he bitches later about being a loyal customer, but I digress), dad gets the movie. The rental store clerk, Mr. Friendly, instructs him to return it by tomorrow at 10:00pm and “don’t be late”.

Despite the gentle reminder, dad brings the movie back a day late and is charged a $2 fee. This is when he pitches an absolute fit, ranting about being a loyal customer and how shitty the place and he ain’t paying. But instead of storming out, he decides to use the bathroom first to take a dump.

When you gotta go, you gotta go, you know?

As you can imagine, Mr. Friendly isn’t too pleased with the turn of events and grabs a rusty hammer to solve the issue.

 

Umm….

Look, I like the idea of it. Short, straight to the point, no excessive padding (well, maybe a little with the additional scene with another customer), shows us everything we need without massive exposition dumps to explain character motivations or plot lines. Granted, the acting is pretty bad, the editing choppy as fuck, and the sound is completely uneven. But I have to say it was okay. Sort of.

3/4 hatchet (out of 5)

 

PEDIE THE CLOWN VAMPIRE HUNTER (2019)

The next short opens with a title screen describing the following footage as found at an unknown location and filmed at an unknown time. Anyone with heart issues should NOT watch it.

Pedie the Clown is teaching a group of kids how to build their own vampire hunting kit. The film focuses only on Pedie as he describes each item while he smokes, drinks, and drops a bunch of f-bombs. Eventually, one of the kids points to a vampire off screen and Pedie steps away to take care of it.

When he returns, disheveled, wig askew, and bible tucked into his pants, he wraps up the show reminding the kids they’ll be exploring yoga next week.

 

Um….

Look, I actually liked this one. The sound is better, the only editing needed was for the commercial breaks, and Tuan Edwards as Pedie was fucking hilarious.

Yes, he was the same guy who played the dad in the video rental short, but maybe since Pedie didn’t really interact with any other characters, it was easier to lose Tuan and only see the clown. Also, he spoke in a high squeaky voice while delivering zingers like “holier than thou water” in reference to booze that, “yes, tastes like Jesus’s piss”.

I mean, I actually had to pause the DVD because I was laughing pretty hard.

I wouldn’t call this a short film. If anything, it’s a great comedic skit – simplistic and funny as fuck – but not a film.

2 hatchets (out of 5)

 

NOTE: I wish I could link something but their YouTube channel hasn't uploaded anything for 8 years and the FaceBook page was last updated in 2020. So...not sure what's up with that. 

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Monsters in the Closet (2021)

Even though this film’s trailer intrigued and excited me, I still had that uneasy feeling that comes with most indie films. It’s not often that these flicks succeed and I was worried my hopes would be dashed against the rocks of mediocrity. Fortunately, my psyche experienced only slight battery over the 88-minute running time.

Monsters in the Closet is about a recluse writer who suddenly dies. His estranged daughter goes to his house to do what all surviving family members do – rifle through his shit. Interrupted for only a moment by her father’s publishing house representative about getting their hands on his last work, Jasmin gets to her dad’s house to find a laptop with a recorded video, just for her.

Aside from not taking any responsibility for his aloofness and terrible parenting skills, he wants to tell her about his latest project. It’s going to be a HUGE success! You see, he found a seventeenth-century book on black magic that teaches the reader how to cast spells by writing stories about them. And once you read them aloud, the characters in each story come to life. Imagine, having a real vampire in your house!

Not sure that’s so great, but go on, Father…

What follows is her dad telling four different tales. And as you might guess, an element from each story comes to life in the house where Jasmin sits, ALONE, watching her father’s final video.

 I do love a good anthology film. And while the execution is lacking, overall I have to say I enjoyed it. It’s definitely a comedy/horror mash-up and each story is quite unique from all the others. Not saying the individual stories themselves were particularly original, but I’m glad they didn’t all blend together with shared tropes.

We’ve got zombies, a serial killer, a mad scientist, and just good, old-fashioned, isolated mania. While some of the acting is horrible, I gotta give props to John Paul Fedele and his ability to sell the idea of having sexual relations with an…assembled woman. His story was my favorite as it had me laughing the most often. And I wish I could remember the character names to shout out the actors, but the pair playing the couple who bought their first fixer-upper house in the second segment balanced hyperbole and believability so well! This was a close second place behind the mad scientist story as the humor hit home more often than not.

Something's missing. I can't quite put my finger on it...

The mixed bag of CGI did little to help. Some looked completely realistic, and others were obvious cheap computer programming. But it didn’t detract too much from the movie, making it easily forgettable.

Thankfully, the acting was better than I expected. The worst of it came in the weakest story, the third segment called “The One Percenters”. Cliché, obvious and terrible, and I’ve forgotten most of it. The performances in the main/wrap-around story were lackluster at best, awkward at worst, but not so bad as to make me want to shut it off. The good acting in the rest of the film absolutely made up for anything lacking elsewhere.

If you like to give indie films a try, despite that nagging feeling you might be setting yourself up for a long night of binge drinking, check out this one. I don’t think you’ll be sorry!

3.5 Hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

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Black Roses (1988) Movie Review

You know, most of the time I try to find films that are kinda trash. Partly because they’re fun to shred, and partly because I think the people who patronize this site like the “less polished” side of film. Every now and again, though, I find a movie that is crap but manages to be entertaining at the same time. This is such a movie.

Black Roses is about a bunch of demons who have disguised themselves as a rock n roll band in order to hypnotize the public.

That’s it. That’s the only description I’ve been able to find. I have a feeling the demons want more than just to make people cluck like chickens against their wills. Don’t worry. I’ll break it down a bit more for you.

(I WILL SPOIL IT SO IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT, STOP HERE. GO WATCH. COME BACK. READ ON.)

We know right from the start that this band is comprised of demons. The opening scene shows them performing at some concert venue IN demon form! When the cops come to arrest them, the audience bursts out of the arena, already transformed into demons, and wreak havoc. I mean, I’m assuming they do because that scene ends abruptly and the title screens roll.

Next thing we know, two Lamborghinis roll into the quiet little hamlet of Mill Basin. Damian (not kidding) throws the Devil Horns to his crew and they start hanging up flyers about the band playing a few concerts in town. Naturally, this God-fearing community doesn’t want the Satan music corrupting their children.

But the Mayor supports it. Remember how rock n roll used to be demonized when we were youngsters? Besides, the school board approved it so your little committee can’t really do squat here. So the parents sit in on the concert, and are relived to hear the soft rock strains coming from the Black Roses. Certainly, these 60 seconds we’ve heard are just like the rest of their music. Let’s vamoose.

I bet you can guess what happens after the adults leave, eh?

The next day, the kids are all kinda zonked out. The cool teacher, Mr. Moorhouse, assumes it’s because they were up late for the concert. But when the kids’ behavior keeps getting worse, and they attend every Black Roses performance, and then people start DYING, Mr. Moorhouse thinks something hinky is going on. And the rock band is responsible.

He takes matters into his own hands and plans to burn the stage down. You know, while the band is playing and the auditorium is filled with kids. But whatever gets the job done, amiright? He actually succeeds in setting the demons on fire and the kids escape, stumbling out into the night with no memory of what they’ve been up to the past two days (fighting, being disrespectful, having the sex, killing their parents, etc.).

*sigh* It’s over. Mill Basin beat the Devil out of town.

Or did it? Lucky for us, Mr. Moorhouse and the Mayor are sitting down to the news just as the entertainment broadcast comes on. Seems Black Roses has booked a bunch of shows in NY and a trip to tour the UK.

dundunDUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN

 

All right. Let’s get the bad out of the way.

Some of the acting is terrible. Mostly the high school kids, and some of the adults. But it’s a small movie filmed somewhere in Canada. This shouldn’t be a shock.

The demon makeup/monsters were actually more cute than scary. My personal favorite was the one that came out of one character’s home speaker and pulls the dad back through it (played by Vincent Pastore, whom you may remember from a little show called The Sopranos). Damian’s demon form looked more like baby Godzilla, and Julie – teacher’s pet resident goody-goody – her demon form looks like it popped straight out of a children’s comic book.

They were like adult sized Muppets.

Is there something in my teeth?

The music was rather bland for rock n roll. Very generic 80s hair metal. Honestly, I wanted to hear Damian’s rousing calls to the Devil speeches more than their music. Also, when Mr. Moorhouse ran around trying to save the town and the kids, the music sounded like something that would backing up Captain America or the Greatest American Hero. We love a good superhero, don’t we?

There’s not a lot of special effects going on. A few practical, prosthetic closeups during a couple transformations. But only one time did we get a long POV for Julie as she transforms, and they used that weird glowing purple swirling light effect that is very dated, and very 80s. Made the scene cheesier than it should have been, especially when her final form was only seen from the stomach up. I’m guessing they had the demon rolling around on some kind of wheeled contraption and ran out of money before they could hide or disguise it under a full demon body.

There were a couple of fight scenes with Mr. Moorhouse – one with Juliedemon and one with the Black Roses on stage. The punch sound effect was laughable; the weapons Moorhouse picked up to fight Julie were unintentionally hilarious (a tennis racket, tennis ball, eventually stakes her with a broken table leg). Then when he’s in the auditorium, he LITERALLY threw Julie (in human form) into the audience, like it’s some kind of active mosh pit, before swinging his fists or a giant gong mallet at Damian.

To be fair, the fight criticisms I have are also highly enjoyable. Though I don’t think they meant to make those scenes funny, it’s hard to believe that the writer wasn’t throwing in a little levity to break up the dark direction in which a bunch of kids were spiraling.

For the good acting, you shouldn’t be surprised as there were some familiar faces among the adults: Ken Swofford (tons of TV work, The Andromeda Strain), Julie Adams (Creature from the Black Lagoon), John Martin (tons of TV work). While the story does seem to center more on the kids and the rock band, John (Mr. Moorhouse) carries the majority of this film. And he does a wonderful job on those strong, broad shoulders...if only every school had one of him. *rowr*

OMG, Mr. Moorhouse's mustache power is more than I can handle!

The kills were mostly quick or off screen. But the two Julie committed were pretty fucking hard-core. She bashed her stepfather’s head in with a giant ashtray (her stepdad played by Paul Kelman, he of My Bloody Valentine fame); she murdered Mr. Moorhouse’s ex-girlfriend by sawing through her neck with a hunting knife. We got nice and close and personal on that one.

I honestly think the writer did a decent job of establishing characters. It’s easy to get pulled into how quickly the children turned on the adults. Black Roses was only in town for two days before the shit hit the fan, but since their demons, it made logical sense they wanted evil to spread quickly. And I appreciated the speedy timeline so we don’t have to wait around for the children to start changing. Mr. Moorhouse, who sees the kids every day, figures out the truth long before anyone else, and you are just as easily frustrated as he when he can’t get the Mayor to back him up.

I did enjoy the story. In Black Roses, there is LITERAL evil spreading thought the town. It’s not a bunch of bible thumping white folk whose panties have twisted in knots over PERCEIVED evil.

It’s like Footloose got fingered by The Devil’s Advocate.

One of my favorite lines comes after the Juliedemon/Mr. Moorhouse fight. He’s sitting on his kitchen floor, exhausted, the Juliedemon corpse next to him. He simply breathes out, “Fuck”, to end the scene.

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Mr. Moorhouse.

Unintentionally funny, but entertaining, little slice of 80s horror.

3 hatchets (out of 5)

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Inhumanwich (2016) Movie a Review

About 98% of the time I watch modern, indie horror films, I’m disappointed. The kind of disappointment your mother feels whenever you leave the house in your cut off sweats, the raggedy-ass Iron Maiden t-shirt from high school, and that damned baseball cap you got free for being the millionth customer at the local Choke and Puke.

So what about the other 2%? That, my friends, is an ever-widening circle that’s filling with pleasant surprises and genuine delight at the few indie horror movies I’ve enjoyed. I’m actually  starting to compile a list of these films, as I think they will deserve a future shout out.

And this film, ridiculously titled but so apropos, has made that 2% list.

Inhumanwich tells us the story of Joe Neuman, astronaut extraordinaire, flying in a rocket that employs the latest in artificial gravity technology. When it’s functioning, he can engage in all sorts of activities normally impossible in zero-gravity space, including eating his favorite sandwich, a Sloppy Joe. Unfortunately, this new tech is powered with radioactive materials and, as you might guess, something goes wrong.

After the rocket is pummeled by meteors, the artificial gravity device ruptures, and radioactive material leaks into the cockpit. In the resulting tumult, Joe falls on top of his Sloppy Joe, right smack dab in the middle of a puddle of Danger Fluid, as the capsule crashes to earth. Joe mutates into a giant blob of meat that devours everything and everyone it his path.

It’s up to the crack scientists and analysts back at the space shop to figure out what the hell happened, and how to stop Joe’s ravenous rampage!

This is one of those films where you can tell the people making it are just having the time of their lives. I don’t think anyone planned to make a movie that was groundbreaking, thought-provoking, life changing, or explored any deep thoughts of human nature. This was 100% pure entertainment. (think Blown, with CHC’s very own Kevin Moyers, Jeff Dolniak, and David Hayes)

It’s shot in black and white, so it has a nice throw-back feel to the monster movies of the fifties and sixties. The dialogue is super corny, which also adds to the vintage feel. The jokes themselves don’t just poke at the Velveeta cheese humor, but goes so far as to make that chili cheese dip from the commercials, and everyone swims in it with great gusto. In fact, I had to pause the movie TWICE because I was laughing so hard.

The sound, editing, and cinematography are of a much higher quality than I expected. So often the sound effects are louder than the dialogue; editing is sloppy; and many film makers don’t know what cinematography is, let alone know how to execute it. This film was well made from start to finish.

Now, does that mean it has no flaws? What, are you new here or something?

Most of the acting is pretty bad. The top three characters – Ed Farley (Matt Laumann), Dr. Chang (Michael Peake), and Floyd (Jack Burrows) – were the best of the bunch. Lisa Neuman (Kayla Clark) wasn’t too bad, and she actually stole a scene where she never spoke, but kneed an overzealous soldier in the nuts. Most everyone else was over-acting, just there as a favor to the filmmakers, or so awkward he kept half smiling at every line of dialogue or looked into the camera. coughcoughMattSpahrcoughcough. But in indie horror, I don’t really expect Gary Oldman levels of talent, you know?

The CGI is, obviously, terrible. But even in low-budget, I’ve seen better. I can only speculate they did that on purpose. Gods know the technology of the classic monster movies is rather crap, so it could be a nod to that. Or it was the best they could afford and has nothing whatsoever to do with nostalgia or paying homage to the bygone era of film.

I don’t want to end on a negative, so I’ll share with you one of my favorite jokes from the movie (I’d spoil the climactic ending if I shared my second favorite):

Lisa finally arrives at the space institute after hearing about Joe’s accident:

“I got here as fast as I could.” “Well, maybe you should try harder next time.”

Maybe that doesn’t sound super hilarious delivered so dryly on paper, but trust me, within the context of the film, it’s HIGH-larious.

3.5 hatches (out of 5)

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Movie Review: Krampus (2015)

Before watching The League on FX, I had never heard of Krampus.  But after hearing Jon LaJoie's character Taco singing Krampus carols and running around the mall chasing children as the fabled devil beast, I knew we needed a movie.

The previews for this film made Krampus look like a fun horror film.  The movie is also rated PG-13 so I figured this would make for a fun daddy/daughter day.  With everything being Star Wars at the movie theaters, it wasn't hard to find a seat.  The theater was actually empty until a couple of minutes into the film.

The two of us had a great time watching Krampus.  It was a fun horror film that included some recognizable stars along with some new faces.  Prior to seeing Adam Scott cast in this film, I was wondering what direction the film would go.  I was glad to see there was a level of humor to go along with scary parts.

Krampus doesn't travel alone and his helpers made this movie even more insanely fun.  Demented clown looking beasts, psychotic ginger bread men and evil elves assisted Krampus against the family that were not in the Christmas spirit.

Emjay Anthony was the real star of this movie as he was the one who started out with the most amount of Christmas spirit.  As more family members showed up to the home, his spirit becomes broken and a great storm comes along.  This is where things go downhill for all of them.


Although not a huge cast, every member of the cast mattered in their own way for Krampus.  Michael Dougherty did well directing the film and giving screen time to each actor.  Adam Scott and Toni Collette played the parts of parents to Emjay Anthony and Stefania LaVie Owen's characters.  David Koechner and Allison Tolman's redneck-type characters brought along their children and surprise everyone with Aunt Dorothy played by Conchata Ferrell.

While I said Emjay Anthony was the star, it is because of his interactions with Krista Stadler as his grandmother.  She is well aware of Krampus as you can tell by the way she talks in trailer for the film.  She gives us backstory to Krampus which is told through an animated flashback, which seems to be the way you do flashbacks nowadays.

If you're looking for some scary holiday fun, give Krampus a shot.  I know it's not Gremlins, but it's worth checking out.  I'll give Krampus three and a half out of five pile drivers.

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What did you think of Krampus?  Leave your comments below.