Spirit Animal Movie Review (2019)

 

I love being able to meet indie horror film makers at conventions. It’s usually because I’m set up next to or near them, and I end up staring at their DVDs and posters all weekend. My first Cinema Wasteland was no exception. I was set up across from Nekroshark Films and writer/director Madeline Deering. While the poster for another unfinished film got my attention, I was able to get my hands on a copy of this movie to review today.

Madeline was super cool to talk to and I really like the story idea for this flick. Is it perfect? No. Is it really good? Also no. But it’s not the worst film I’ve ever seen and I enjoyed quite a few bits of it. Let’s break it down.

The basic premise of Spirit Animal is simple – a serial killer murders people while wearing different animal masks and using different kill methods that are dependent on the victim. The killer is guided by a sentient tree in the forest that wants to destroy humanity because we’re fucking up the planet.

Makes sense.

The film opens with a couple ads, very much like the Atomic Swans films I’ve recently reviewed. Are they real places? Fuck if I know but I’ll tell you this, after seeing the ad for Dingo Pizza, I really REALLY wanted to eat pizza.

 

Cut to a ‘bartender’ slinging beers and telling us, the viewer/customer, about this weird VHS tape he found by the dumpsters. He then proceeds to break down the two tasks we must do: 1. Play the smell-o-vision scratch card game when certain numbers pop up on screen (I, unfortunately, did not get one); and 2. Play the Spirit Animal drinking game. Every time a shark is on screen, take a drink. Every time you see the plushy shark, take two drinks. 

If I’d actually played along, I would have died of alcohol poisoning before the 2^nd half of the film.

THEN we get to the actual movie, which is a twenty year flashback to a camp, a bunch of kids, and a counselor who’s making them figure out which spirit animal they are – or will be after they die.

Nothing like a little bit of heavy existentialism right before bed, eh kids?

The remainder of the film takes places in the present and a bunch of people are going out to the woods to camp, hang out, and have some fun. Unfortunately for them, the killer, Aarav Niktomi, is about to pee in everyone’s proverbial personal pools.

 

As you can imagine, indie horror is a bit rough. Very low production value, skilled actors are few or non-existent, lame writing/dialogue, sound and lighting unbalanced, and cinematography who? While there are weak aspects in this film as well, it’s actually much better than I expected.

For once, the sound was well balanced. The sound effects didn’t make my ears bleed while the dialogue belonged in your local library. Most of the special effects were practical. I’ll take those any day over crap CGI. There were some digital effects but not enough to irritate.

I really enjoyed the kills, for the most part. Like I said, the practical effects were fun and probably ‘death by pizza cutter’ was my favorite. But each character was killed in a different way. Tim, who always used plastic straws and littered the ground with them, had his brain sucked out through one by the killer wearing a shark mask while he screamed about how straws ruin the ocean.

I told you...NO MORE PLASTIC STRAWS! EVAR!!!

While the acting is less than stellar, I really liked the character of Lisa. She was probably the most and best developed (she had a backstory with an abusive ex-boyfriend) and I think she was the only smart character of the bunch. Very sympathetic, likeable, and I wondered why she was friends with any of these fools.

I actually have several places in my notes where I typed out ‘haha’ in capital letters, just so I wouldn’t forget them. The humor does fall flat a lot but it hits the mark more often than not. Some basic silliness, sneaking in lines from other terrible films, but I probably laughed the most during the ending credits. Lots of little jokes and asides in there, especially what were obviously things said by the cast and crew about the director, Madeline.

And someone correct me if I’m wrong, but did Andrea sing the camping song from Sleepaway Camp 2 when she was drunk in front of the fire? I need a fact check!

I thought the story itself was very original. Allowed for a lot of creativity and humor while presenting real environmental horrors that happen every day. And while I don’t condone killing off humanity to save the planet, I do understand why it might seem like a viable option. Particularly to a sentient tree who bears the brunt of human’s destructive nature.

Now, with that said, there are a lot of faults in this flick, too.

Aside from Lisa, none of the characters matter. They’re either irritating or just…there. Even the killer couldn’t make me care about his cause, one-liners and quips not withstanding. I couldn’t be bothered when characters died. I just wanted them to shut the fuck up (except for the two chicks lost in the woods looking for a party – that actually cracked me up, though I remained untroubled at their deaths).

Would you like a taste of my banana?

The pacing dragged ass about halfway, which most films do. But while I understand hyperbolic humor, if there’s no action in a scene after about ten seconds, the viewer starts to tune out. Only Tom Hanks can pull off a peeing-for-thirty-seconds scene. And don’t get me started on the expo-dumps and ravings about how shitty humanity is. The killer’s mask-themed jokes were funny at first but by the third one, I just wanted it to end.

Postproduction sound is not good. The dialogue synching was mediocre at best and completely distracting; lighting is pretty bad for the night scenes; continuity lacked; some gaping plot holes. If this cleansing the world of humanity ritual can only happen every 1000 years, why did Aarav mention that it happened last time 20 years prior? Aarav says he’s not the only one (wanting the ritual) but we never circle back around to that idea. How does having a banana allergy make a victim of a banana attack melt into green goo?

Head scratching indeed.

So while this film isn’t really that great, as far as indie horror goes, I have to say I enjoyed it more than I thought possible. Maybe next time I’ll try the drinking game with a few friends and see if it’s any better. Perhaps at the next Cinema Wasteland…? I am excited to see if Bathtub Shark Attack, the movie poster that actually caught my attention, will screen at the fall CW show. I’d like to see what else Nekro Shark Films and Madeline Deering have to offer us in the future.

 

2.5 hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

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Static Age #24: The Mad Death (1983)

 

The Mad Death (1983) DVD box art

This Static Age’s spotlight goes to BBC’s miniseries The Mad Death (1983) which consists of three hour-long episodes (all of them directed by Robert Young, written by Sean Hignett, based on a novel by Nigel Slater), and is about an epidemic that plagues England after an infected cat gets smuggled into the country and spreads a rabies-like disease that turns humans into crazed maniacs. In the end it is the army against the infected animals, which is an interesting scenario, but unfortunately most actors here don’t look like soldiers, and most animals look too cute to be menacing. However, this is eerily relevant and well-made, as well as haunting horror television at its best.

 

And now, let’s switch our focus towards some recent series…

 

Wednesday - Season 1

The 1^st season of Netflix’s Wednesday (2022 – present), ‘from the imagination of Tim Burton’ (who directed half of the episodes) and based on the Addams Family comic strips and cultural phenomenon, is focusing on that peculiar family’s titular daughter (played by an excellent Jenna Ortega) who is sent by her parents (Luis Guzman and Catherine Zeta-Jones) to a school she dislikes and where she will have to solve a murder conspiracy that involves monsters. This is the show all the cool kids should like and is done with affection and brilliance, not to mention gorgeous dark aesthetics, and if that’s not enough Ortega’s dance sequence (to a tune by The Cramps, no less) is the best in the history of the medium and was choreographed by her.

 

The 5^th season of The Handmaid’s Tale (2017 – present) is about the trauma that plagues June Osborne (Elisabeth Moss) despite the great revenge she managed to tackle during the previous season’s finale, but with Serena (Yvonne Strahovski) still alive and back in Gilead, the Waterfords seem to not have said their final word. Deep, thoughtful, artistic, and well-made, this show is one of these rare occasions when the fact that it raises more philosophical questions than it can answer, works in its favor.

 

Irma Vep - Season 1 

The Irma Vep (2022) mini-series is about American actress Mira Harberg (Alicia Vikander) who goes to France in order to work with an acclaimed director on the remake of the legendary Les Vampires serial. Suffering from a lack of any sense of real plot of dramatic progress, and focusing on the daily lives of a cast and crew of disillusioned artists, this is more about tone and aesthetics rather than any kind of storytelling, and as such it outstays its welcome rather quickly even at a mere 8 episodes long. However, all the main actresses are gorgeous beyond belief in a European way that they make the end result bearable. The title cards’ song is completely out of place and ridiculous.

 

Based upon Stephen King’s same-titled classic horror novel, the limited series The Stand (2020) is about a plague that has wiped off almost the entire population of our planet and is focusing on a grand battle between survivors. Amazingly current and sadly relevant, this only loses points for involving the supernatural too much, whereas a straight approach grounded more in realism would be more sufficient. What’s also unfortunate is the lack of any sense of real threat, a bad sign when you’re watching a supposed thriller. It is not without its merits though, as the set design is a work of art the rocking soundtrack is well-chosen and well-placed, and even Amber Heard and Whoopi Goldberg are providing decent performances.

 

Directed by Bryan Singer, the sole episode of Mockingbird Lane (2012) brings back the beloved ‘Munsters’ family for a new generation, but it does so unremarkably as it is desperate to include gore gags that seem out place and is rounded by an inappropriate cast. The CGI are primitive as well, and overall I don’t understand why many people like this TV special.

 

Loki - Season 1

The 1^st season of Marvel’s Loki (2021 – present) finds the titular god of mischief (the handsome Tom Hiddleston) without his powers and going through a much more human story, full of emotions. A great show, and at a mere 6 episodes long it’s a joy to watch.

 

The 1^st season of Marvel’s I am Groot (2022 – present) consists of five episodes featuring stunning animation and fresh comedy delivered in short sketches. They are entertaining, but in at least a couple of them Groot (Vin Diesel) comes across as an asshole.

 

The sole season of Marvel’s WandaVision (2021) is a fresh take on the superhero genre as it takes the classic sitcom approach of filmmaking and it comes across as nostalgic and warming. The show is about the suburban life of superheroes Wanda Maximoff (Elizabeth Olsen) and Vision (Paul Bettany), but never mind the plot, you should focus on the charming aesthetics instead.

 

Set in the 1950s Kansas City, Missouri it is a scenario featuring African-American gangsters against Italian-American gangsters in the 4^th season of Fargo (2014 – present), offering snow and crime in equal measures, as well as wide spaces and Western-like aesthetics and shootouts. Needless to say, it comes highly recommended.

 

Gomorrah - Season 5

The 5^th, final, and best season of Gomorrah (2014 – 2021) finds Don Genaro (Salvatore Esposito) lower in the annals of Neapolitan organized crime, following a series of events that made him a wanted man both by the authorities and competitive gangs. Will he rise as a phoenix in the series finale? His biggest obstacle will be the return of ‘The Immortal’, or Ciro di Marzio (Marco D’Amore, who also directed several episodes) who will form his own clan and swears to revenge his once-brother. Possibly the best series to ever come out of Italy, this is well-made, authentic, and enjoyable for fans of the gangster genre.

 

And now, please allow me a word on some recent mainstream film releases…

 

Glass Onion: A Knives Out...

Written and directed by Rian Johnson, Netflix’s Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (2022) was shot in Greece on a gigantic budget of $40 million and it is such a lavish production that manages to look even bigger on screen (the set and costume design are stunning). Benefiting from a stunning cast that includes Daniel Craig, Edward Norton, Kate Hudson, Dave Bautista, and Ethan Hawke, this murder mystery has plot twists that you’ll never see coming, and just enough comedic elements to sweeten the proceedings. When it comes to ‘whodunit’ films we prefer gialli in these shores, but if you’re looking for something in the Hollywood vein this will do the trick.

 

Based on the book by Louis Bayard, adapted by Scott Cooper (who also directed), Netflix’s The Pale Blue Eye (2022) is a murder mystery that Augustus Landor (a mustached and bearded Christian Bale) attempts to solve, and later on claims the help of Cadet Edgar Allan Poe (Harry Melling). Slow burn and tonally dark – both elements work in the film’s favor – this also benefits from a great cast (Toby Jones and Gillian Anderson are also on board), but is let down by its mildness (the story definitely allowed and asked for more grittiness and an edgier approach).

 

Lady Chatterley's Lover (2022) frame

Netflix’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover (2022) directed by Laure de Clermont-Tonnerre, is about Connie (the gorgeous Emma Corrin) and the relationship she forms with handyman Oliver (Jack O’Connell) upon feeling neglected by her terrible husband (Matthew Duckett). Based on the classic and then-controversial book D.H. Lawrence, this adaptation is obviously not aimed for the target group the original material or the former cinematic adaptations were, but takes the ‘housewife’ approach, as the end result is focusing more on the love story and less on the strong eroticism, or its commentary on classicism. Still it is a very enjoyable film and rather beautifully shot, as the exteriors and the love scenes are really well-done.

 

Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio (2022), now streaming on Netflix, tells the classic story of carpenter Geppetto (David Bradley) who upon losing his only son, crafts a the titular wooden child (Gregory Mann) that upon coming to life, helps him with grief and the overall Italian 1930s fascism surroundings. With expertly crafted stop-motion animation and voiced by a great cast (other than the aforementioned players we also get Ewan McGregor, Ron Perlman, John Torturro, Cate Blanchett, Christoph Waltz, and Tilda Swinton), this may be a very sad tale for younger audiences (talcling strong subjects such as loneliness and loss), but it is a work of art nonetheless.

 

Not to be confused with John Carl Buechler’s 1986 classic – how could it be, anyway? – Netflix’s big budget extravaganza Troll (2022), directed by Roar Uthaug (who also wrote the story, which was turned into screenplay by Espen Aukan) is about the titular monster that was recently and accidentally (not to mention, irresponsibly) awaken in the Dovre mountain, and is now on a destroying rampage that is about to have its crescendo in the city of Oslo. This Norwegian film is as simplistic as these monster movie blockbusters can get, but it is so well-done, engaging, and entertaining, that you’ll forgive its flaws. Surprisingly for such a thing, the women in the film are really strong, and on another plus note we also get a Ramones reference.

 

Written and directed by Rob Zombie, The Munsters (2022) may be aesthetically perfect and rich when it comes to popular horror references, but it lacks drive and storytelling as the plot – about Lily (Sheri Moon Zombie) falling in love with rock-star Herman (Jeff Daniel Phillips), much to her father’s (Daniel Roebuck) objection – is much too think to keep you interested. Rob Zombie has proven he’s capable of helming some pretty important films within the horror genre, but he’s also responsible for some serious duds, and this falls in the latter category.

 

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)

Marvel’s Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022), directed by Ryan Coogler (who also penned the screenplay, with Joe Robert Cole), finds the people of Wakanda mourning the death of their king, and their desperate search for a replacement upon the threat of an invading enemy army. Featuring stunning production design (the costumes and sets are a breathtaking combination of African tradition and technological evolution), but suffering from superhero clichés (predictable CGI and battles, as well as terrible soundtrack choices), this is still one the studio’s better works from the last few years and therefore comes recommended.

 

And also, as unlikely it might be for me, I read some fiction books: Franz Kafka’s Die Verwandlung (1915), Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale (1985), John Grisham’s The Appeal (2008), Paul Garrison’s Robert Ludlum’s The Janson Command (2012), Alberto Garlini’s La Legge dell’odio (2012), Fernanda Melchor’s Temporada de Huracanes (2017), Margaret Atwood’s The Testaments (2019), Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2021), and Ashley Flowers’ All Good People Here (2022).

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A Binge too Far #30: Revenge of the Nightmare Alley duo (1947 & 2021)

Nightmare Alley (1947) frame featuring Coleen Gray

Nightmare Alley (1947) poster

Nightmare Alley (1947)

 

Stanton Carlisle [Tyrone Power, later in Rawhide (1951)] is a mentalist (a fancy word for a con artist) that works a sideshow of a travelling circus, but his talents and determination elevate him to a greater showman and win them success and the girl of his dreams [the stunning Coleen Gray, later in The Vampire (1957)], but she cannot follow his every scam and will prove essential to his downfall.

 

Written by Jules Furthman (based on the same-titled novel by William Lindsay Gresham) and Directed by Edmund Goulding, this Carney-centered melodrama (it is little more than a love story in a nice setting) is surpassingly (for the era it was made, when the 1930s circus-styled exploitation pictures were already old news, if not entirely dodgy) affectionate to its subject matter, and even goes out of its way to raise important and well-thought questions about religion. As far as 1940s noirs are concerned (and this is not totally one, but can qualify due to its moody black and white cinematography, as well as the dooming fame fatale, among a few more elements in it) this wasn’t a great success at the box-office, but time has been kind to it and it is now regarded a classic by the genre’s aficionados.

 

Nightmare Alley (2021)

 

Stanton Carlisle (Bradley Cooper) is a talented hustler and mentalist that takes his sideshow spectacle at a failing carnival to the next level and sold out shows in legit venues, with the assistance of Molly Cahill (the stunning Rooney Mara), but once he dips his toes too deep into uncharted waters, he meets his match and sets himself up to failure and doom.

 

Directed by Guillermo del Toro (who also wrote the screenplay with Kim Morgan) and featuring an all-star cast (other than the aforementioned lead couple we also get Cate Blanchett, Willem Dafoe, and Ron Perlman, among others), this stellar remake takes everything to the next (Hollywood) level with breathtaking production design and attention to detail, but whereas it was loved by critics and fans alike, it failed at the box-office, possibly because its story is difficult to gel with today’s audiences.

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Rise of the Ninja and Tales of Time (movie shorts) Reviews

Here we are again, folks. I’m wrapping up the reviews for the short film/shorts that I got from Atomic Swan Films last year in Flint. And, funny story, I ran into Tyler Zickafoose (the man behind ASF) at a convention in Monroe a couple weeks ago. I was a little worried he’d be mad that I mostly trashed the films I’ve reviewed so far. But he was gracious and super cool, and said his friend was actually mad that I gave a GOOD rating to one of the films.

Huh…whodathunk?

Well, let’s see what happens this week as I review Rise of the Ninja and the anthology, Tales of Time.

For Rise of the Ninja, I think the basic story is about Tommy Toyota, a drug dealer, who goes to sell some cocaine to Mamasan. Somehow, a blind ninja get tangled up in their dealings and vows revenge on the thugs who beat him up.

 

I mean…

Yes, this film was sixty minutes, the longest project ASF has made. But I think short, Pedie the Clown, raised my expectations too high because I was sorely disappointed with this offering.

The faults, for me, were:

1. The pacing drags major ass.
2. There’s a lot of singing going on for a non-musical film, so it felt like filler, making the sixty-minute running time completely unnecessary.
3. The humor falls flat most of the time.
4. The dialogue is nonsensical. It felt like while Tuan wrote the story, he may not have developed dialogue and figured, “Well, I’ll just make shit up as I go along.” Please don’t do this.
5. The audio was mixed - sometimes done well, other times uneven, either too loud or too soft.
6. While Tuan was hilarious as the solo actor in Pedie the Clown, that set up didn’t really work here. He’s playing multiple characters so he can’t act or react off the energy of another person. That also subjects us to his character explaining what’s going on instead of just showing us.
7. Because of #6, the editing looked choppy.

The good stuff, for me, was:

1. The early humor was enjoyable, and I honestly liked how Tommy kept pulling out his gun and aiming it at inanimate objects that didn’t work properly (his phone, the toilet, the briefcase, etc.). As the blind ninja, Tuan did that “mouth moving but no sound is coming out” mimicry of many early Asian action films when the dubbing was truly awful. 

Actually, that’s about it. Except for another joke about a “disturbance in the chalupa” for a couple characters having intestinal distress making me chuckle, most of this movie was a total mess and a total miss. With the disorganized story and dialogue, this was an exercise in futility.

.5 hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

Tales of Time

The second DVD I got is an anthology of short films. Y’all know how I love a good anthology. The main problem right off the bat, though, is the listing of film titles. The back of the DVD case only lists three titles and there are four films. And even the films themselves don’t all have title screens. So whatever I list below are just my guesses.

".357 (357)"

The first short shows us two people listening to a radio broadcast. The guy is clearly stressed out about the state of chaos going on outside, while the woman is begging him to listen to her. He argues that she’s been bitten by an infected person and now he’s gotta kill her before she turns.

I actually don’t want to spoil this for you because it was so well done. It’s probably my favorite of the bunch. Sure, it looks like an indie horror and consists of only two casts members. But don’t let that idea turn you off. The story is good, the suspense and tension are well-maintained, and the reveal gave me the sads. I mean, really. If any movie can connect to me emotionally, it’s job is 50% complete. And this one got me.

 

"20 Seconds (The Longest 20 Seconds)"

Just a guy sitting and having an internal monologue, questioning stuff, while random images flash on screen. For twenty seconds.

I…I don’t get it. Especially since I couldn’t hear one fucking word.

 

"Experiment 7734 (??)"

A man has kidnapped and restrained another man. Through the dialogue we come to learn the kidnapper is having an affair with the kidnappee’s wife. Seems the wife is sick of her married life and wants her lover to get rid of her husband.

Seems like a simple story, yes? Sure it is. But the way it’s delivered is smart. We watch a hybrid of a split screen and one scene overlaying the other. One shows us the lover driving around in his car, the other shows us the exchange between him and the husband. Once you realize what’s happening with the lover in his solo scene, it’s actually genius. I honestly got chills and said, “Whoaaaa”, out loud while I was watching. So good and definitely my second favorite.

 

 

"Seven/eleven (??)"

We watch as a clearly distraught man arrives home. As he guzzles some beers, one roommate on the easy chair just stares at him while his other roommate is blasting loud music. The man is clearly distressed but the loud music roommate doesn’t give a fuck and in fact, flips off the man. Well, this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back as the man goes to the kitchen and grabs a giant knife.

You can guess how this ends, right? You’d probably be mostly correct. What’s great about this short film is the style. It’s black and white with no audio. We can’t hear the blaring music; we can’t hear the man screaming in frustration; we certainly don’t hear the murder. We have to go on facial expressions, movement, and emoting. The main actor, Dustin James, did such a great job of showing emotions throughout the story. The audience knows exactly what he’s going through. I’m not sure how this guy is in speaking parts, but for this film, he was great.

 

So, surprisingly, this collection of films was my favorite. Despite that head scratching 20 Seconds one, these were solid offerings of indie horror.

 4 hatchets (out of 5) – sorry, Tyler’s friend. I liked this one, too.

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A Binge too Far #29 – The Sicario duo (2015 - 2018)

 

Kate Macer (Emily Blunt) in Sicario (2015)

Sicario (2015) poster

Sicario (2015)

 

Honorable rookie FBI agent Kate Macer (Emily Blunt) volunteers and joins an elite task force with a mission to tackle major hits against the Mexican drug cartels, but what at first seems like a step up in the general field of law enforcement, it is in reality a journey deep in the annals of corruption, where the line between being a good guy or a bad guy is really thin.

 

Directed by Denis Villeneuve [Blade Runner 2049 (2017)] this high profile action film about the genre’s ever-ending fascination with the subject of the war on drugs is featuring a great cast (other than the aforementioned protagonist we also get Josh Brolin and Benicio Del Toro), a very engaging pace that rarely becomes annoyingly bombastic (which is a welcome surprise in this genre), and a tendency to give equal time to all players of the game.

 

Made on a whooping $30 million budget, it was selected at the competition of Cannes Film Festival, became a sensation with the critics, received BAFTA and Oscar nominations, and won audiences so much that it went on to gross a respectable $85 million, guaranteeing a sequel.

 

Sicario: Day of the Soldado

Sicario: Day of the Soldado (2018)

 

U.S. politicians need to escalate the war on drugs and in order to do that they secretly hire Alejandro (returning Benicio Del Toro) and Matt Graver (returning Josh Brolin) who are game for getting their hands dirty. The conspiracy they stage gets the cartels fighting each other, resulting in a chaos of abductions and murders. The statement made by the franchise is once again that law enforcement agencies need to be brutal and vigilant in order to fight the powers of evil, but to me this sounds unethical, dangerous, and slightly fascist.

 

This sequel was directed by Stefano Sollima (son of legendary Italian filmmaker Sergio Sollima) and is less subtle than the first film, but not as bombastic as promised by the premise either. Made on a larger budget than the original, it grossed less too – an estimated $75.8 million, but still the franchise seems to have legs a third movie is already in the works.

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DON’T BE LATE and PEDIE THE CLOWN: VAMPIRE HUNTER (Shorts) REVIEWS

Last April, I picked up a handful of films from an independent movie maker out of Flint, MI. Tyler Zickafoose (if that’s not an awesome name, I don’t know what is) and his Atomic Swan Films company were set up next to me at the April Ghoul’s Day event, hosted by the Flint Horror Collective. Tyler was extremely personable and was obviously passionate about making movies. I decided to buy a couple, letting him know I write reviews for this website and to be warned that if I didn’t like something, I would shred it like an asshole.

Surprisingly, or maybe not, he was down for it. He also gave me one or two for free (it’s been a while – sorry, I can’t remember exactly) despite my potential assholery to come. Now, nearly a year later, I’m finally getting off my ass to review them.

 

So far I’ve only watched three short films. I thought these were all full-length features so I gave one to a friend, not thinking to review it because it must have been the exception in the pile. If I’d known, I would have included it for this post.

Oh well. Let’s just move on with our lives and talk about the two shorts, “Don’t Be Late” and “Pedie the Clown: Vampire Hunter”.

DON’T BE LATE (2018)

The DVD begins with a few trailers for upcoming projects – “Killer Raccoon Fish in 3D”, some kind of Wings Pizza thing, “Among Thieves”, which tells us nothing about the film, and “Rise of the Ninja”. I’m pretty sure I have the “Rise of the Ninja” film so look forward to THAT review later.

The main short is about a dad and his son heading to the video rental store to get that “dinosaur movie where the dinosaurs chase all the people”. Despite the video store not having a porn section (which this guy should know since he bitches later about being a loyal customer, but I digress), dad gets the movie. The rental store clerk, Mr. Friendly, instructs him to return it by tomorrow at 10:00pm and “don’t be late”.

Despite the gentle reminder, dad brings the movie back a day late and is charged a $2 fee. This is when he pitches an absolute fit, ranting about being a loyal customer and how shitty the place and he ain’t paying. But instead of storming out, he decides to use the bathroom first to take a dump.

When you gotta go, you gotta go, you know?

As you can imagine, Mr. Friendly isn’t too pleased with the turn of events and grabs a rusty hammer to solve the issue.

 

Umm….

Look, I like the idea of it. Short, straight to the point, no excessive padding (well, maybe a little with the additional scene with another customer), shows us everything we need without massive exposition dumps to explain character motivations or plot lines. Granted, the acting is pretty bad, the editing choppy as fuck, and the sound is completely uneven. But I have to say it was okay. Sort of.

3/4 hatchet (out of 5)

 

PEDIE THE CLOWN VAMPIRE HUNTER (2019)

The next short opens with a title screen describing the following footage as found at an unknown location and filmed at an unknown time. Anyone with heart issues should NOT watch it.

Pedie the Clown is teaching a group of kids how to build their own vampire hunting kit. The film focuses only on Pedie as he describes each item while he smokes, drinks, and drops a bunch of f-bombs. Eventually, one of the kids points to a vampire off screen and Pedie steps away to take care of it.

When he returns, disheveled, wig askew, and bible tucked into his pants, he wraps up the show reminding the kids they’ll be exploring yoga next week.

 

Um….

Look, I actually liked this one. The sound is better, the only editing needed was for the commercial breaks, and Tuan Edwards as Pedie was fucking hilarious.

Yes, he was the same guy who played the dad in the video rental short, but maybe since Pedie didn’t really interact with any other characters, it was easier to lose Tuan and only see the clown. Also, he spoke in a high squeaky voice while delivering zingers like “holier than thou water” in reference to booze that, “yes, tastes like Jesus’s piss”.

I mean, I actually had to pause the DVD because I was laughing pretty hard.

I wouldn’t call this a short film. If anything, it’s a great comedic skit – simplistic and funny as fuck – but not a film.

2 hatchets (out of 5)

 

NOTE: I wish I could link something but their YouTube channel hasn't uploaded anything for 8 years and the FaceBook page was last updated in 2020. So...not sure what's up with that. 

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A Binge too Far #28 – Rise of the Predator (2018 & 2022)

A stunning frame from Prey (2022)

Happy New Year! For me New Year’s Eve is always about changes and setting new goals. Well, for starters, I thought I’d change the way my posts work in Cinema Head Cheese. You’ll still be getting one post per month by yours truly but for 2023 you’ll get A Binge too Far posts on the 1^st of January, February, March, May, June, July, September, October, November, and you’ll get Static Age posts on the 1^st of April, August, and December (essentially becoming a quarterly column). In other words, every three A Binge too Far posts, will be followed by one Static Age post. I decided upon this new arrangement in order for Static Age to grow even bigger and include more content each time (I’m thinking more than 2,000 words and more than ten series tackled per post), while of course A Binge too Far will remain pretty much the same, with a special that’ll included a couple of reviews in each post. Got it? This time we’ll take a brief look on the two recent Predator releases.

 

Reviews:

 

The Predator (2018) poster

The Predator (2018)

 

Another tagline reads “You’ll never see him coming.”, to which I should add that we would probably be better off if we didn’t anyway, but here we are with another Predator film (1987 – present) on our hands. But is it any good? The short answer is, unfortunately not. Although director Shane Black (who also co-penned the screenplay with Fred Dekker) went for an R-rating (as promised in his interviews), and the beheadings and overall mayhem are intact, there’s not much else to enjoy here. For starters, the plot is thinner than the ones usually employed by SyFy product, and the acting is bordering on the laughable. If you care to see it, all you need to know in advance, story-wise, is that the film concerns a Predator that is on custody by human scientists that keep him under heavy sedation, and – surprise! – he escapes, and now humanity is in danger. Will we be able to save our asses?

 

Produced by Lawrence Gordon (who had also backed the original film) on a $88 million budget, this premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival 2018 before embarking on a general theatrical release which doubled its money (it went on to gross more than $160.5 million), so we might see more of the hard boiled aliens. However, the film will remain immortal in popular culture memory solely because of the controversy it caused to PC circles because sex offender Steve Wilder was cast in a minor role, which was then left in the editing floor due to the fabricated outrage.

 

Prey (2022) poster

Prey (2022)

 

Naru (Amber Midthunder) is a young Comanche woman who faces sexism from her tribe who’d prefer to have her as a cook due to her gender, but she wants to be a hunter and becomes one of the best after meticulous training, which comes handy when her small community in the forest is attacked by an alien predator.

 

Working as a prequel, this fifth installment in the long-running franchise is both entertaining (mainly due to its several outstanding gore and action set-pieces) and masterful (due to several well-staged one-shots and a stunning cinematography), resulting in what is possibly the best chapter in the series since the original.

 

Directed by Dan Trachtenberg (who also penned the story, with Patrick Aison, who in turn wrote the screenplay), this started development during the production of the 2018 film reviewed above and it was shot in Calgary in 2021 on a massive $65 million budget. It premiered at the San Diego Comic-Con before receiving a release as a Hulu original to positive reviews from fans and critics alike.

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