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May 3, 2018

Movie Review: Almost Invisible (2010)

I actually wanted to watch this instead of a mainstream, higher-produced, higher-budgeted film with A-list actors. What is wrong with me? CINEMA HEAD CHEESE HAS RUINED ME!!

Anyway… My next review is of yet another Chemical Burn film called Almost Invisible. It’s the deep and complex story of a group of young adults on a meaningful journey to find merriment. Also known as a bunch of dude-bros and their hos looking for someone’s house they can trash during a party.

Cue April, the not-important-enough Goth co-ed until she offers up her parent’s house for such a gathering. They’re out of town, you see, so you guys can party hearty there. Devin, the main douche bag, accepts, though no one else seemed too keen on the idea. But whatevs. We do whatever the King Douche says because, not-so-secretly, we are all douches, too.

While the party rages on (though how ragey can it get with only 8 people), weird shit starts happening around the house: furniture shaking, lights flickering, shit moves around as though by an invisible force, hallucinations, party goers popping in and out of different dimensions. You know, the usual college shenanigans.

Eventually things get hairy when one girl kills herself and the rest become trapped in the house with no foreseeable escape. Is April doing this? Is the house haunted? What the fuck, dude?

Honestly, I’m messaging a friend right now about convention and author appearances, so I have no fucking idea what’s happening. Something about a suicide? One of the guys is gutting himself. The others are trapped in another place. I just don’t know. I’m also waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care. Because I don't.

As usual, Chemical Burn phones it in. Maybe they aren’t trying to, though. Maybe this is honestly a hard-working effort to put together an entertaining film. I don’t know if that’s better or worse. Either way, this is another terrible product. Let me try to organize my issues:

1.      Sound and camera work are terrible. The dialogue is muffled most of the time and all the shaky visuals made me sea sick. Music was more generic rock, sad and boring.
2.      I never expect the acting to be stellar and I was not disappointed this time. Or I was, depending on how you look at it. So bad.
3.      The story has been done and they brought nothing new to the tale. The jumping back and forth between reality and this other dimension or whatever was way too confusing. Too many ideas tossed around didn’t make for a deliciously blended stew. It was more like a pool of vomit on a public bathroom floor.
4.      Special effects are terrible but again, I never expect them to be ground breaking. Or even decent. Just crappy. Which they were.
5.      Too many close-up views of the girls’ bikini clad butts or their flat stomachs. Sure, they’re nice to look at it but do nothing to move the story forward and were obvious filler to pad the run time. Seriously this movie could have been at least 20 minutes shorter.
6.      Characters were just stereotypes - douche bag, horny guy, slutty girl, dumb girl, quirky weirdo, lame lame lame. Never truly developed and I didn’t really care about any of them. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to but even in B-horror or low budget fare, I usually give a shit about SOMEONE or, at the very least, enjoy his/her demise. Alas, I was denied both these pleasures.

The two things I did enjoy were: 1. The opening credits. There’s a close-up of a sticky note pad with writing on it (names of the cast, director, producer, etc.) and then the hand that did the writing goes in reverse, removing the name from the pad. Unwriting it, so to speak. Actually kinda cool. And, 2. I liked April. Yes, she was a typical Goth and so lackadaisical in her emoting is was like she was half asleep. But something about her, or more accurately the actress portraying her, just struck me as intriguing.

So, besides those two things, this movie was a total fail from beginning to end. Just another typical shit pile from Chemical Entertainment.

.5 hatchet (out of 5)

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