Movie Review: Almost Invisible (2010)

I actually wanted to watch this instead of a mainstream, higher-produced, higher-budgeted film with A-list actors. What is wrong with me? CINEMA HEAD CHEESE HAS RUINED ME!!

Anyway… My next review is of yet another Chemical Burn film called Almost Invisible. It’s the deep and complex story of a group of young adults on a meaningful journey to find merriment. Also known as a bunch of dude-bros and their hos looking for someone’s house they can trash during a party.

Cue April, the not-important-enough Goth co-ed until she offers up her parent’s house for such a gathering. They’re out of town, you see, so you guys can party hearty there. Devin, the main douche bag, accepts, though no one else seemed too keen on the idea. But whatevs. We do whatever the King Douche says because, not-so-secretly, we are all douches, too.

Jess Franco's Sleaziest Coming Soon From Full Moon Features!!

From the fevered, wonderfully perverted minds of Spanish filmmaker Jess Franco and Swiss producer Erwin C. Dietrich (JACK THE RIPPER) comes the notorious women-in-prison shocker WOMEN IN CELLBLOCK 9 (aka Frauen für Zellenblock 9 and Tropical Inferno). The controversial film (it was and remains banned in the U.K.) stars Franco regulars Susan Hemingway, Howard Vernon and Karine Gambier and tells the tale of a gaggle of female freedom-fighters who are taken to a secluded women’s jungle prison where they endure all manner of violent and sexual humiliations.

Like all of the productions in the prolific Franco/Dietrich collaborative cannon (most of which are represented in Full Moon's limited edition Jess Franco DVD Collection), WOMEN IN CELLBLOCK 9 is a visually lush, erotic and explicit exploitation masterwork, armed with exotic locations, weird performances and a great, dreamy score by composer Walter Baumgartner.

Movie Review: The Manson Family (2003 via 1997)

Nothing like delving into the nightmare world of Charlie Manson and his followers. Most of the US, and probably the world, know of the atrocities these people committed. And sometimes it can be interesting to get a peek behind the curtain inside a madman’s mind.

But this is not one of those times.

The Manson Family was shot like a documentary. A local television producer is tired of Charles Manson getting all the hype. Why is no one talking to the Family to get their side of the story? He puts together several interviews with the ‘where are they now’ members. In between those scenes, we are privy to flashbacks to 1969 and the events therein with Charles and his followers. And while all of this is going down, we get to watch a group of young people as they prepare themselves for…something by doing drugs naked, performing S&M, and worshipping Manson in someone’s mom’s basement because angst.

Movie Review: Fairytales (Full Moon, Blu-ray)

Review By: Hal Astel

I've spent many years getting as many people as I can to see Peter Jackson's debut film, Bad Taste. It's my favourite film of all time, the only movie I've seen over fifty times and probably the only film I've seen over ten. It's not a great movie, though it's astounding in many ways, but favourite movies are not always great movies and they don't have to be. A good case in point is Cinderella, which is to my wife's ex husband what Bad Taste is to me. We discovered Fairy Tales via Cinderella, as it's another soft porn comedy musical that shares the same subject matter and quite a few of the same cast and crew.

This time out the prince has turned 21 and three kooky doctors serenade him with a ballad designed to instigate him into providing an heir. He'll inherit the kingdom if only he can produce one by Thursday. The only catch is that he doesn't get turned on by beautiful naked women willing to do anything he wants, even when they're Little Bo Peep wearing nothing but her cute little bonnet. So off he goes on a quest to find the princess of his dreams who was lost years ago, because he's the only one who he'll be able to get it up for.

Movie Review: 99 Women (Blu-ray)

Reviewed By: James D.

As a film fan who seeks out the lost treasures you have always heard about Franco’s 99 Women being so controversial for its time. I think the controversy of this film is that the price is so damn high. Why attack Blue Underground. They are not the regular suspects. That would be Grindhouse, Severin, Arrow and countless others who are gouging the fans for every penny we have. I understand you are having tough times on sales, but to hit your die-hard fans so hard is not the answer. 

99 Women is basically a women in prison exploitation film. Maria Rohm plays the 99th prisoner of an all-female island prison. Franco is shooting high on this film, but it just comes up so short. You have Mercedes McCambridge and Herbert Lom in this film. They both are incredible at their crafts, but they are so wasted here. The film tries to create a plot off of the government inspector coming down on the sadistic governor. Which we get to see the guy who is in charge of the male prison on the other side of the island. 

Movie Review: Meat (2010)

I swear to the gods, Dolniak, you ever send me an arthouse style film again, I will hunt you down, prop your eye lids open with toothpicks, and force you to watch Twilight on repeat for seven straight days. And then when you’re begging for mercy, I’ll put in From Justin to Kelly and leave you there for another seven.

Artspolitation Films (*eye roll*) brings us Meat, an independent award winning film (which means absolutely NOTHING to me if it’s rife with bullshit) about…I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. It’s basically an art film that’s trying to be exploitation and fails SPECTACULARLY. Though I suppose it succeeded as an art film in which case IT JUST SUCKS MAJOR DONKEY BALLS.

Here’s the film description on IMDB:  “A girl is awakened to a world of cruelty, shadowy passions and sensuality.” They forget to mention it’s via a fat, sweaty, lusty butcher while she films everything and all imagery is some kind of fucking metaphor for humanity or something. I get no sensuality off this film. I suppose the cruelty is the slaughter of animals and not getting love from some guy she hardly knows. I guess peeing on someone could be considered a shadowy passion - it’s not for everyone.

Movie Review: Werewolves in Heat (2015)

Okay. I promised David Hayes that I would be brutally honest in my review of this movie and I intend to keep it. (please don’t be mad please don’t be mad please don’t be mad)

Werewolves in Heat is about three young men about town looking to party and get laid. Renting a house out in the desert they plan a big shin dig but if they don't want it to end up a sausage fest, they need to find some ladies. ASAP. They journey to a local bar where they hire some hookers for the evening. How convenient…except, unbeknownst to our gentlemen callers, these ladies are also werewolves and our intrepid heroes are on their dinner menu.

That's really all you need to know about the film. There is nothing deep, or even all that interesting, about the story. The characters are tissue paper, the acting is terrible, and the whole thing felt like a group of people made a movie just because they could. Basically the entire film is jerk-off fodder for 13 year old boys - which is maybe why I didn't like it.

There were just a couple of bits that made the 70 minute watch time worth it. The man-servant that comes with the rental house, Captain Bill, was amusing. He had little zingers here and there, he kept himself in the front closet until needed, and he wore a captain's hat the whole time. He made me laugh once or twice.

Movie Review: Farmer's Daughters (1976) (Impulse Pictures/Synapse Films)

Reviewed by: Rick L. Blalock - October 22, 2015

Starring :                                                           

Gloria Leonard

Susan McBain

Nancy Dare 
Marlene Willoughby

John Black

Spalding Gray

Philip Marlowe

Zebedy Colt

Bill Cort

Synopsis

An innocent afternoon of spying on their parents having sex (and then forcibly sexually assaulting the farm hand) turns even more vile for three daughters when escaped convicts pick their farm to hide from the cops! A horrifying, hardcore afternoon of assault, torture and incest follows as the convicts take advantage of the entire family, culminating in a shocking, perverted game of “Simon Says” and a weirdly mixed and edited final montage. This film is the very definition of “hardcore,” and one of the most eyebrow raising films in the Impulse Pictures library!

(Runtime - 61 minutes)

Will be released on DVD on November 10, 2015 (Impulse Pictures/Synapse Films)

Movie Review: CONFESSIONS OF A SEX SURROGATE VOL. 1 (Adam & Eve Pictures/Evil Angel Productons - 2015)

Reviewed by: Rick L. Blalock - October 15, 2015

Starring :

Chad Alva

Richie Calhoun

Jay Taylor

Jenna Ivory

Ela Darling

Riley Reynolds

Kasey Warner

Katrina Jade

Synopsis

At the Cassidy Center for Sex Surrogacy, sex is both business and pleasure! These sexy surrogates not only help their clients with taboo bedroom issues, they also cheerfully hook up with each other and plenty of steamy friends.

(Runtime - 107 minutes)

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Directed by Alexandra Silk, CONFESSIONS OF A SEX SURROGATE VOL. 1, tells the story of the Cassidy Center, an institution out of Southern California, that exists to help out clients who suffer from a variety of sexual short comings. Topics, which range from the likes of erectile dysfunction, to premature ejaculation - the Cassidy Center, covers it all. Headed by Katy Cassidy, her team includes; Sexologist, Dr. Mark Hill, sex toy specialist, Bobby Lane, and sex specialists, Lindsay Sterling and Deborah Whitehurst, Together, they work out problems for a number of others. But not without getting out a few sexual kinks, of their own!. The film goes on to detail the daily proceedings of the Cassidy Center, and its employees, both on, and off the clock.

Movie Review: LOVE, SEX & TV NEWS (Adam & Eve Pictures - 2015)

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Movie Review: Ace Jackson is a Dead Man (2015; Full Circle Filmworks)

......in gangster flicks...for good or for bad, whether one like him or not...there's seems to be an undeniable appeal, in watching the little guy climb, or at least attempt to climb to the top. You don't necessarily root for the lil' bastard, because let's face it: crawling out of the gutter, onto the savage crime-laden  streets, and fighting tooth & nail for even the most minute crumb of respect, admiration and power...not to mention, the greed-driven acquisition of wealth...well, one of such reckless and unswerving determination of such things, might well be at his most dangerous...most despicable...most deadly. And yet, there's no denying that certain measure of appeal there, in the sense that...despite all the bumbling and mishaps...well, the little guy, damned if he doesn't try harder...not necessarily smarter. mind you, but yes, definitely harder...

...OK, so shady folk of this ilk isn't exactly a likable lot, in that respect, to say the least. You know 'em...the 'Junebugs', 'Rentons', 'Beaumonts', 'Pookies' and 'Mikey T's out there, just to name a few. However, one cannot help but appreciatively rally witness to the upstart's blindly unswerving tenacity...his determined attempt to rise above, break the waters, and hold his own...greed and power, being the base-instinctive driving forces...his resigning realization that he has to kowtow to some deeply instilled assholes, in an effort to prove his worth. And charisma, a ton of fly-by-the-seat-of-one's-pants luck, and...yeah, let's say it...balls, the size of cantaloupes...well, that's part of the charm, as well...

Movie Review: Teenage Catgirls in Heat (1994)

I bought this film years ago when a nearby Blockbuster Video closed (#sorrynotsorryyoucocksuckers) because I thought Joe Bob Briggs did commentary on it. Turns out his little blurb on the cover was as involved as he got in this copy. *sad trombone* But since I’ve adored JBB since his Movie Channel days, I decided to watch it anyway. Let’s just say I was seriously unimpressed.

BUY IT HERE!

Teenage Catgirls in Heat is a comedy (Christ, I hope so) brought to us by the Troma Film folks. It opens with an old lady talking to a cat statue moments before she commits suicide. The statue then calls out to all the cats in the area to heed her commands and sacrifice themselves in order for them to become human so they can mate with human men, kill said men, and then give birth to the Great Litter.

Cut over to Ralph, hitching a ride in the back of a pick up truck, and reveling in his new found singlehood. At the height of his happiness a cat darts out in front of the truck. As it swerves, he’s shaken loose and left on the side of the road in the now sudden nighttime (read: shitty blue light filter). Lucky for him the ‘cat’ is now a beautiful naked girl.

Before he gets a chance to talk to her, the neighborhood cat finder, Warren, tears down the road and chases Ralph up a tree. You see, Warren has this homemade radar thing that picks up on cat signals. He assumed the large signal he recently picked up was from a bunch of severed cat heads in Ralph’s back pack. 

Movie Review: Nurse 3D (Blu-ray, 2014)

The whole “nurse” fantasy has been played out numerous times in films. Most notably, genre fans may remember Roger Corman’s prolific output in the “nurse” sexploitation department with late-night cable staples The Student Nurses and Candy Stripe Nurses. We’ve also seen the other angle with the killer nurse in the slashers Nurse Sherri and the Death Nurse films. Writer / Director Douglas Aarniokoski takes both motifs and combined them in making really sexy (and often naked) psycho nurse with his feature Nurse 3D.

Boardwalk Empire’s Paz de la Huerta plays Abby Russell, a pouty-lipped, scrumptiously bottom-heavy killer nurse looking to make sleazy, cheating men an endangered species. She uses her skill as a nurse to off these unpleasant fellows in a variety of ways – some even cringe-inducing for those with anything swinging in their trousers.

Movie Review: Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (2011)

Since I'm not into sports outside of pro football, I could find nothing to watch the other night as every fucking channel in the free world is broadcasting the NCAA basketball championship (March madness, indeed). To the Netflix cue! I put movies on my waiting list for different reasons: I like the actors, the premise, it’s simply horror, or a classic I’ve never seen before. But the movie I’m reviewing today had Cinema Head Cheese written ALL over it.

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead comes to us via Japan. Helmed by former porn director Noboru Iguchi (this IS my shocked face), ZA begins with a young girl suffering from unbearable stomach pains. Her father/doctor tries to help her as best he can by punching a zombie in the stomach until it throws up some wriggly stuff into her mouth.

Wow, the Japanese really ARE different.

Movie Review: The Films of Richard Kern - Hardcore Collection (Blu-ray)

Whenever I was thumbing through a Film Threat video guide in the early nineties there always seemed to be some really eclectic, interesting independent stuff that I’d never read about elsewhere.  I discovered wild films like Red and Nekromantik (both of which are huge favorites) and an interesting collection of shorts from controversial filmmaker Richard Kern. It was a while before I finally caught the films on VHS at a local Tower Records, when I did finally see it, shit was I blown away.  I didn't think I’d see the day, but Kern's The Films of Richard Kern - Hardcore Collection is here now and available on Blu-ray completely remastered in a Director's cut.

All the movies you remember from the previous releases are back in this three hour assault on the senses:Evil Cameraman, The Right Side Of My Brain, You Killed Me First, The Bitches, The Sewing Circle, X is Y, Fingered, Horoscope, Submit to Me Now, My Nightmare, Manhattan Loves Suicides, Submit to Me, and Death Valley 69 are shown in their uncut glory. As an extra we also get some bonus footage from a couple of the shorts to sweeten this sadistic little compilation.

Movie Review: Predatory Instinct (2011)

David Hayes gave me a copy of this movie a couple of years ago but I forgot about it until I needed to find something to review. And as Abnormal Entertainment made this flick, I hope none of my musings offend any of my buds at AE or CHC.

Three young people get smooth talked into attending a party out in the fucking boondocks by the oh-so-dreamy Emmit. (Personally I think he talks too much and sounds like he was raised on Mark Twain and Machiavelli.) Randi's up for it because she a ho. Brandon is basically a male Randi. And Trish doesn't really want to go but she gets peer pressured into it. Ah, youth.

They drive down a dirt road for, like, ever, and Randi flips out at seeing....something. Though they've all been sneaking booze from the bar they work at since the afternoon so whatever. They finally arrive at the house party which in this movie means 6 attendees: our illustrious youngsters, Emmit, his tart, Lydia, and some random dude named Shea (sounds like HEY why didn't I STAY at home instead of coming to this LAME parTAY). I think they need a serious lesson from Kid n PLAY.

Movie Review: Sexsquatch (2012)

I've got three words to start this movie review and they are three words I never would have predicted I would ever say: it's no Repligator.

But with names like Tobe Lerone, Spamuel L. Jackson, and PJ O'Pootertoot gracing the credits, how could it be anything but a let down?

Sexsquatch is a juvenile attempt at the horror/comedy/sexploitation film genre. Filmed entirely on location in New York (and by that I mean these guys got to use the entire backyard and 10 feet of lake behind someone's mom's house) Sexsquatch is the story of a giant hairy ape-man, named Stinkfist, from outer space who has come to earth on a bet that he can kill and rape more people and buttholes than his overlord.

Helping the Sexsquatch on his fascinating quest is Marmalade, the local homeless spaz, who talks her way out of being killed and raped (yes, that's the order Sexsquatch does it) by leading the not so gentle but surprisingly well spoken giant to a group of young people throwing a "Let's Help Joey Lose His Virginity" party. AKA a convenient gathering of disposable victims. Despite finding one friend disemboweled and violated, the group must party on. It's the best way to honor his memory. And it's the only way to keep them distracted long enough for Sexsquatch to have his way with them.

Will any of them survive? Will they be able to stop...

Japanese Erotic Delights Coming From Impulse Pictures!

IMPULSE PICTURES PRESENTS

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TWO NEW THRILLERS IN THE NIKKATSU EROTIC FILMS COLLECTION!

SHE CAT and FEMALE TEACHER HUNTING

JAPANESE EROTIC DELIGHTS — WITH AN EDGE!

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SHE CAT scratches and prowls!

Dr. “Cat” Kagami was hoping to leave her torrid past behind, but a failed assassination attempt has now put her square in the crosshairs of a team of brutal killers.  Now no one is safe, including her lesbian co-worker and a mysterious woman with a terrible secret that could bring down an entire Japanese company.  Cat must take the law into her own hands and enact her own special kind of revenge!

She Cat, directed by Shingo Yamashiro, is not only one of the more intricately plotted features in the Nikkatsu Erotic Films Collection, but it’s also one of the longest and sexiest entries.  Expert direction, the amazingly “ample” assets of lead actress Ai Saotome, steamy lesbian shower-sex scenes and an action-packed gun fight finale make this film a must see for all Japanese erotic film fans!

In FEMALE TEACHER HUNTING, a moonlight skinny-dipping session between two carefree high schoolers leads to a young boy being accused of a violent assault on his female classmate.  After throwing a teacher to the ground, he stomps out of the school gates and spends his summer break roaming a beachside town.  Falling down a rabbit hole into a dark, oppressive world of sex and violence, he is taken in by a bar-owner and his libidinous mistress. Meanwhile, the teacher he assaulted hunkers down in a rented villa in the same coastal resort, awaiting a secret tryst with her married lover.  What happens when student and teacher meet again?

A moody and dramatic from, with shocking scenes of sex and violence, FEMALE TEACHER HUNTING is deftly directed by one of the strongest of the final wave of Nikkatsu erotic film helmers, Junichi Suzuki.

Movie Review: The Lost Films of Herschell Gordon Lewis

When the word “lost” is used referring to the films of a very popular cult filmmaker come to mind people tend to listen. Some movies are just fine staying lost, but when those films are from the great Herschel Gordon Lewis (Blood Feast, 2000 Maniacs, and The Gore Gore Girls), good or bad, you just need to see what they’re about.  HG Lewis shot three sex films between 1969 and 1971 that fell completely off the radar – The Ecstasies of Women, Linda and Abilene and Black Love all under the pseudonyms of Mark Hansen and R.L Smith.  Thanks to some major digging in film vaults the movie archaeologists over at Vinegar Syndrome have unearthed all three films and remastered them for their debut release. The Lost Films of Herschell Gordon Lewis Blu-ray / DVD Combo is Vinegar Syndrome's launch title  Debuts are make or break for any new company but with H.G Lewis’ name attached to these creations it could be something enjoyable for fans of Lewis.

The first film on the Blu-ray (all chronological) is the 1969 sex comedy The Ecstasies of Women. Nearly half of “Ecstasies” takes place in a titty bar with numerous topless gals bouncing their massive areola in the background. A group of gentlemen sit at a table chatting with the various strippers. Their pal Harry (Walter Camp) is enjoying a bachelor party the boys are throwing for him. Stories are told by Walter that usually lead to him nailing a beautiful woman.

Movie Review: Australia After Dark (1975)

Review by Greg Goodsell

Directed by John D. Lamond

In Australia, “Sheila” is slang for woman, due to the preponderance of gals down there who have Sheila for their first name. What do “Sheilas” like to do Down Under? If this Australian mondo-shockumentary is correct, Sheilas like nothing better than to engage of lots of “messy fun.” Said practice is a sexual fetish where the woman finds release in covering themselves – either clothed or naked – in messy foodstuffs.

Australia After Dark begins with a trio of lassies who gleefully agree to have their naked bodies with paint, rubbing themselves on stark, white studio walls before collapsing joyfully on the canvas covered floor. Long before the United Kingdom’s Splosh! Magazine forced this particular kink out of the closet (Splosh! Is championed by director John Waters), Australia After Dark gives this particular byway a strenuous workout. Women cover themselves with honey, treacle, mud, whipped cream and even more body paint, taking up the final half hour of this film’s running time!