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October 20, 2012

Movie Review: Monsters, Marriage and Murder in Manchvegas (2009)

Yep, that's what it's called. Monsters, Marriage and Murder in Manchvegas. This is what Jeff and his pals sent me to review this week. MMMM for short. Worth watching? Mmmm, not so much.
I looked up the town of Machvegas on the urban dictionary: Alternative name for the city of Manchester, New Hampshire, USA. The word was coined by combining the first part of "Manchester" with the second word in "Las Vegas," juxtaposing Las Vegas's glitz and glamor with Manchester's lack of either. Used derisively. "So are we going out tonight?" "We live in Manch-Vegas. The hottest spot open this late is Wal-Mart."

So that answers that question. And like the town itself, nothing too exciting happens here. Oh, there are monsters, lots of talk of marriage, and even a few murders. But trust me. You won't really give a damn about any of them.

The story centers on M.O.S., which stands for Manchvegas Outlaw Society. It may also be a joke for the film jargon M.O.S., used when a scene is shot without sound. The entire movie looks like it was dubbed later, post-sync sound, to not have to deal with the poor quality of the production sound. I am giving the filmmakers the benefit of the doubt with the double-meaning, but considering how truly, mind-numbingly stupid this movie is, I sort of doubt it was intentional.

But I digress. M.O.S. consists of Marsall (Matt Farley), Jenny (Elizabeth Peterson) and All Star Pete (Thomas Scalzo), who deliver papers, play basketball, record really insipid sing-songy tunes that all sound alike, and occasionally solve crimes. They call themselves an "Outlaw Society," but are about as rebellious as boy scouts trying to earn a merit badge.

The convoluted story involves a hugely improbable murder mystery and a band of sasquatch like creatures and a bunch of other stuff you won't care about either. The monsters are a strange hodge-podge of fur coats, wigs and inarticulate masks that don't go together.

This is amateur stuff of the dullest sort from start to finish. The videography is in focus, but that's the best I can say. No suspense is generated. There is not one real laugh. No gore. No boobs. No performances. Every single "actor" without exception blunders his or her way through their part with out a moment of conviction or interest.

What else? Oh, all the young people are quite attractive in a squeaky clean, kid next door kind of way, especially Sharon Scalzo, who pretty much steals the picture(what little there is of it) with sheer adorable pulchritude.

For the most part though, these "outlaws" would be better served if a gang of real punks came to town and beat the living shit out of them. They might learn something, and it would be a hell of a lot more entertaining.

Am I being mean? If you think so, I challenge you to actually waste 80 minutes of your life on this train wreck and come away thinking I am being anything but generous.

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