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October 20, 2012

Movie Review: The Dinosaur Experiment (2013)

Not exactly sure why someone thought the world needed another dinosaur movie, particularly one that touts Lorenza Lamas as a ‘star’ of the film (can Lorenzo still be considered a draw when his screen time adds up to maybe 15 minutes?). You know, Jurassic Park set the bar pretty fucking high and this, sir, is no Jurassic Park.

The Dinosaur Experiment begins with crazy old Dr. Cane as he goes to feed his dinosaur. You heard right. He talks to the damn thing like it’s his pet, about how much he loves her, and how annoying his wife was but how easy it was to get rid of her. Wait, what?

Let’s a do a quick roll call for the rest of the cast, shall we?

- Abbi Whitecloud is a beautiful Native American stuck in Fossil Ridge, TX. She’s basically the indentured servant to Billy Wayne, local owner of the only gas station/restaurant in town. She has to be his waitress until she makes all the payments for the truck her mother bought from him. So she blows off steam by shooting arrows in her house.

- College studs Lucas (aka the Tittyman), Sheldon, and the Beast head off in Sheldon’s mom’s car to go skiing. They’re all idiots. 

- Little Willy, a chunky R&B singer, and his two back up singers, slut Josie and goth Kolin, have a less than successful review in town but their bus breaks down before they can skedaddle.

- Special Agent “Mulder” Logan (Lamas) and his partner, Special Agent “Scully” O’Reilly, are called to Fossil Ridge to investigate a handful of disappearances and murders. Was it chubacabra? Aliens? A really really big dog?

Is there something in my teeth?

Everyone, except the Agents, ends up at the gas station/restaurant. They can’t get back out of town immediately which sets them up as convenient dino snacks. While Lucas and Josie hook up, the rest go over to Doc Crane’s. The old coot took all the gas in town for whatever the fuck he’s doing over at his farm and they need to get it. 

Cue Hell and the loose it has broken. Turns out the doc has been experimenting with dinosaurs, they start running amok, people become dino chew toys, and no one knows about it until it’s all over. So glad you guys called in the agents. What the hell were they doing in their hotel room all this time?

I lost interest in the movie halfway through and pretty much stopped watching with 20 minutes left on the timer, right after they killed a dog. I vaguely remember one person surviving and fulfilling the dream of becoming a singer while a little dinosaur watches from the sidelines. Ooops, spoiler alert. Like anyone gives a fuck.

I know I don't.

This flick isn’t advertised or promoted as a comedy but that’s exactly how it comes off. If it was on purpose, they failed. If it wasn’t on purpose, they failed. Tired acting, trite plot, Jurassic Park rip offs, flat jokes, and uninteresting or unsympathetic characters. These things do not make me invest myself in your movie. All I see is a bunch of half-assed attempts at film making. Maybe not even that much. More like 25%-assed. For crying out loud, there’s a sign on the way into the Doc’s homestead that says RAPTOR RANCH. How the fuck did no one know what he was doing?

I admit that some of the dinosaur CGI wasn’t half bad. A few scenes looked rather realistic, as long as you didn’t look too closely. Sharknado’s special effects were much worse, though I’m not sure that’s saying much. And thanks, writers, for throwing in a few scenes explaining to us that these creatures are in fact dinosaurs (because it’s clear the characters have no fucking idea) and haven’t existed for realz since the cretaceous period. Herpa-derp! I caint rightly member by grade schoolin edumacashun. 

Seriously, I just wanted everyone to fucking die.

0 Hatchets (out of 5)

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