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October 20, 2012

Movie Review: Sasquatch - The Untold (2002)

Based on a true story. Based on a true story. Sorry, I thought if I repeated it the sentence would make sense. You see, I just sat through Sasquatch: The Untold and, if I had my way, the entire story would have remained just that. Based on a true story my fat, hairy rear end. The only true story this was based off of would have to be the terrible, desperate tale of a man that has way too much money and needs a tax shelter. This man hires Jonas Quastel to write and direct a movie that has no chance to succeed so he can at least have the write off. That man is the executive producer of Sasquatch: The Untold and he has absolutely no idea what kind of hell he has unleashed on us all.

Buy Sasquatch on DVD!

The story, for lack of a better term, is basic. One would think that even the most inept filmmaker, like me, couldn’t really mess the plotline up. Let’s take a trip into the woods, you and I… A brilliant industrialist, Lance Henriksen, hires a group… wait. Let’s take a break. Lance Henriksen, people. Why? Why?! Lance, man, you’re far too good for this. Seriously. You are a wonderful actor and yet you continue to choose these, these abominations. Come on! Back to the true story basis: This group is hunting for a downed airplane that held Lance’s daughter. The first group survived the plane wreck, but not the beasties in the woods. The really big, hairy, angry and hungry beasties. You see, the crew had DNA proof of the Sasquatch and since the average Sasquatch has a degree in biology, they know what DNA is and will pull out all the stops in order to protect the secret of their existence. ‘Quatch keeps taking the DNA equipment and dropping it two minutes later when he bumps off a member of Lance’s rescue crew. Blah, blah, blah, suffice it to say that the world never learns of the Bigfoot DNA Black Box Techno Pod and the secret remains safe. Except, of course, for the person that told Jonas Quastel about the adventure so he could write his story. Yeesh.

So, you can see that the premise is pretty simple, so how could this film get screwed up so bad? You may think that the creature looked foolish. Not really. The effects team did a pretty good job and the big reveal of the full creature wasn’t bad. Was it the acting? Nope, aside from Lance and Erica Durance (Lois Lane on Smallville) the cast has some very good veterans (Russell Ferrier and Philip Granger really do shine). So, we’ve got a mediocre, but not offensively so, script, decent effects and good performances. What’s missing? Aaah, yes. The film was shot and edited by epileptics in front of a strobe light. I swear, throughout the film, the editors were putting the wrong scenes in the wrong places. Conversations would happen between characters that make absolutely zero sense until you see a scene that happens five minutes later. It could be some weird independent art house filmmaker narrative device, but I seriously doubt it. Sasquatch: The Untold, based on a true story but stuck in a Navajo fever dream… beware the fur.

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